


An Analysis of Charlie Smith

by TheLaziestMotherfucker



Series: Charlie Smith and More! [1]
Category: Class (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, April's POV, But just for a heads up, But that finale was just angst, Charlie's POV, Depression, F/M, Heavy Angst, M/M, Matteusz's POV, Miss Quill's POV, Once again there is a lot of talk of depression in this story, POV Third Person, Post-Canon, Post-Finale, Quilliam - Freeform, Ram's POV, So can you blame me?, Suicidal Thoughts, Tanya's POV, This fic is basically just angst, april is human, there isn't anything graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2018-10-31 04:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 101,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10891395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLaziestMotherfucker/pseuds/TheLaziestMotherfucker
Summary: After events that took place in The Lost, the Bunghole group has grown apart. The only time they are together is when something slips through the rift and they have no other choice but to fight it.This fic is strictly Charlie centric (not Charlie/Matteusz). Through the eyes of the Bunghole group members, including Charlie himself, this fic is taking a look at Charlie's behavior and emotions. There is no fixed point of view at any certain time. It constantly changes during chapters without warning.





	1. Why did the finale wreck all of these characters and relationships?

**Author's Note:**

> Depending on how this fic is taken by Class fans, I might continue it. I love Charlie. He is interesting, complex, and morally grey, who can still be a sweetheart. I know that Charlie is a character that has been much discussed by the fanbase and I hope I do this character justice. Feedback is greatly appreciated, especially in this fic!

They all met up at the school. That was what they usually did whenever an alien attacked. They would hang around the school and wait for the aliens to come out and try to get them. Most of them were at the school, all except Charlie. He had texted that he was on his way but they were still waiting for him to show up. Matteusz was sitting down, staring up at the stars. Ram kept glancing down at his watch. April was glaring out at the street, waiting to see any sign of Charlie. Tanya was playing candy crush on her phone. So far, the night was uneventful. 

“There he is,” April, pointed across the street. There was Charlie, strolling across the street, green jacket and all.  He glanced around the street, checking for cars, although there were none. No one wanted to be out driving this late. It was late, cold, and overall traffic can get really shitty, so not many people preferred to be out this late. 

“Hi,” Charlie greeted once he had approached them. They all said hi back and that was the end of the conversation. 

They didn’t talk much. Not as a group anyway. There was always heavy tension lurking around whenever the five students were together. It was a tension filled with grief, guilt, horror, and anger. The fact was that none of them knew how to do this. None of them knew how to move on. They knew how to move on individually but not as a group. The Shadowkin and the Cabinet forever left a mark on the children and their friendships. The children could mend themselves but they weren’t sure about the relationships that they had formed. It was a cluelessness mixed with fear and anger. There was a fear of what would happen if they touched the fragile bonds. Would it destroy what progress they had made with themselves? What emotions would it implicit? 

There was the anger of it all as well – a grudge that everyone was hesitant to let go of. They all knew what the grudge was. They all knew who and what the grudge was directed at. There was a fiery passion burning inside all of them that was meant for the Shadowkin. The monsters had been long gone for months now; killed by Charlie, but none of them had forgotten what they did to them. They would recover, yes, but never forget. It was a nasty scar that was hidden on their hearts. No one else in their lives would know about their scars but them. No one would understand the pain and anger behind it except them. The Shadowkin had indeed casted a shadow over them. They would burn through it and meet the light but the darkness would still be creeping around them. 

Another source of anger was meant for the Prince. Not even Charlie himself was excluded from this group. He was disgusted with himself more than anyone else was. He was plagued with guilt and grief. Despite not speaking with Charlie much, the group knew that Charlie hated what he did, what they didn’t know was how much he hated himself. It was a constant mixture of emotions with the alien boy. On one hand, he wanted nothing more than to runaway. He wanted to start his life over for a third time, except this time no one would be able to find out who he was. There was no Shadowkin to hunt him down. Maybe one day he will know enough about humans and their culture to seem like an actual human. Not only would he be unknown, but he would be normal as well. He would be running towards a different life, while running away from the one he once loved. He would try to forget Coal Hill and all of the horrors he had caused there. 

But on the other hand, Charlie Smith wanted nothing more than to end his life, all for the sake of ending the pain. The group had seen him attempt to do it once before, but since then the Prince had assured them that all was well. He was a Prince; he knew how to hide what he was feeling. While they all believed that he was coping, in truth he was dying. Grief, guilt, and isolation were slowly leading him to madness. He lost sleep to nightmares and wishes. Wishes of what he wanted and what he wished he never had to do. He lost sleep to thinking. He would sit in his bed and debate on whether or not he should steal Quill’s gun and end it quickly. He debated if there were less terrifying ways to die, but he knew better. He knew that death shouldn’t be anything but terrifying. He debated on his death. He debated if anyone would care. That debate always ended with a certainty that _some_ people would care. He liked to think that there was at least one person in the world who would care. He didn't want to die, but he wanted the pain to go away. He ached, he was tired, he was surrounded by darkness and he wanted it all to stop. 

The other four teenagers didn’t know this. They hadn’t conversed much with Charlie, but they occasionally checked up on him. He was convincing for someone his age. At times, he was too good of a liar. The only one who knew he wasn’t alright was April. There was still anger that needed to be dealt with in regards to Charlie, but out of the four, her anger was the dimmest. The two had spoken about the events of her death many times. In those moments, April saw only glimpses of the guilt Charlie held against himself. She knew how awful he felt. She knew that her death was one of events that consuming his heart and mind. She was well aware of the fact that her death needed to happen, but there was still hurt. Charlie pulled the trigger on her. It was necessary, yes, but it hurt to have a friend do that to you. They were both hurting and they comforted one another. April was the one that spoke with Charlie the most.

Aside from alien ass kicking, the five of them never hung out as a group. It was anger and fear. There was anger concerning the deaths of Tanya’s mother, Vivian, and Ram’s father, Varun. There was anger over the use of the Cabinet. Most of this rage was directed at the Shadowkin, yes, but because it was not used earlier _they_ suffered the consequences. _April_ had to suffer the consequences. It was an anger that they had to pay the price for trying to do the right thing. There was an anger that they’re friend cost their parents their lives because he didn’t use the Cabinet of Souls earlier. There was an anger that Tanya almost lost her brothers as well because Charlie didn’t use the Cabinet. It was a rage towards their friend who had _appeared_ to lose nothing in the process. It was a complicated relationship between wanting to forgive him, and still having that rage burning in the pits of their stomach. 

Amongst all the anger, there was the fearful one. The relationship between Charlie and Matteusz had ended a while after everything went down with the April and the Cabinet. At first, it was a need for space. Matteusz stayed with him for a few weeks then he left because he didn’t know what to think of the situation, neither did Charlie, but the alien boy understood that he needed to make sense of it all. Charlie must’ve terrified him. Charlie was scared of himself. He didn’t want to believe it but he knew that the break up was coming. After a couple days they met up again, both knowing full well why they were meeting. Neither of them said much. They both stood awkwardly at the opposite sides in Charlie’s room, heartbroken and crying at the end of their relationship. Charlie didn’t want it to end and neither did Matteusz. The Polish boy kept sobbing apologies to him as they broke up. Matteusz was still in love him at the time, and he was still in love with Matteusz, but his ex-boyfriend was afraid of him, as he rightfully should be. Charlie didn’t blame him. How could he? He was a monster who didn’t deserve someone as wonderful as Matteusz. His ex-boyfriend decided to move out. Charlie had a few guesses why but Matteusz never said. After Charlie’s constant pestering about how he didn’t want Matteusz to sleep in his cousin’s car, the other boy moved in with Tanya a couple days later. 

The two boys occasionally spoke to one another. Like the rest of teenagers, Matteusz checked up on him, he wanted to know how Charlie was doing. He wanted to make sure that he was all right. Matteusz was different from the rest. He was not angry but he was fearful. He had been a bit scared when they first started dating but that fear worsened when he found out that the Cabinet of Souls was not empty. It worsened again when Charlie confessed he wanted to use the Cabinet on the Shadowkin. Six days after that happened, all of his worst fears about Charlie came true within 24 hours. He watched the boy he loved commit murder and genocide. He went somewhere where Matteusz couldn’t follow. He feared Charlie’s actions and Matteusz feared what he would become if he stayed with Charlie. He was frightened by his feelings for his boyfriend so he broke up with him. 

From the looks of it, his ex-boyfriend seemed to be doing well. Matteusz believed that he himself was over the breakup and it appeared that Charlie was too. Charlie seemed to be coping with everything. On the outside, there wasn’t any appearance that Charlie was struggling to deal. He wore his same attire: a button up shirt, tight jeans that were rolled up at the bottom, knee socks, a zip up jacket, and the brown shoes that he always wore. From what Matteusz could tell, he wasn’t any skinnier, which would mean that he was taking care of himself. On the outside, he was coping just fine. But like Tanya stated months before, _“It’s not hard to forget he’s an alien, is it?”_ It wasn’t hard to forget that Charlie was a Prince, too. When you forget that, you forget that Charlie can hide what he’s feeling, and then you believe that he is okay. He could fool anyone, even the person that knew him the best. 

The alien fell for their bait. They quickly figured out how to defeat it and like usual they won the battle. It was becoming a bit anticlimactic for the five teenagers. They were attacked, they questioned, they solved, and they won. They didn’t want to fight aliens anymore but they were fine with the cycle they had. It was boring but predictable. They had their plans and then they went home for the night. This night was a bit different. They defeated the alien and met back out front of Coal Hill like usual, except the night was still young. The sun was setting but the sky had yet to be consumed by blue. It was orange, pink, and purple; the night sky would soon follow. 

“Want to go get ice cream?” April suggested to the rest of them. They all stared at April with wide eyes and the expression of confusion on their faces. They all slowly nodded their heads and followed April as she led the way to the nearest ice cream shop. Ram walked besides her, their hands interlaced with one another. Matteusz and Tanya strolled side by side behind the couple. Charlie was behind all of them. He walked slowly as his focus was on his phone. He was texting Quill, letting her know where he was going. She didn’t care about his whereabouts; he knew that, the entire group knew that, but he let her know anyway. She didn’t have to care now that the arn was out of her head. The alien boy put his phone back in his pocket and continued to trail behind the rest of the group, watching them make small chit chat as they walked. 

They arrived at the little shop and got in the short line. It was silent amongst the five children. They exchanged awkward smiles but most of them stared at the ground. They pretended like they were fascinated by the nothing that was on their shoes. There was an urge to speak. Every one of them felt it. They wanted to talk but didn’t know what about. There were those feelings preventing them from speaking. There was history tearing them apart. One at a time, every student approached the counter, ordered, and paid. Charlie was the last to go, ordering a large cup on ice cream for him and a container of chocolate ice cream for Quill (she asked him to). They all squeezed around two small tables that were only meant for four people but they pulled another chair for their fifth friend. 

“How’s Andrea?” Tanya spoke up, graciously breaking the silence that they all hated. Charlie looked up from his bowl, mouth filled with ice cream. Matteusz smiled at the alien boy, remembering that he had a sweet tooth. They all knew the daughter of Miss Quill. They had all met the baby a few times. Both Charlie and Miss Quill were absent from school when she had the child. Miss Quill was in labor and Charlie went with her to ensure that she lived. The two didn’t care for one another, but unfortunately, they were the only ones who understood how it felt to be the last of their kind. Neither of them wanted to be alone. Neither of them wanted to be the _very_ last one of their people. Once Charlie returned to school, he told the rest of them the news that Quill had her baby and both were alive and healthy. 

“She’s well,” Charlie answered once he swallowed down the ice cream. “She’s healthy.” He showed them all a picture of her. He didn’t exactly know how to answer the question. Whenever Quill was out of the house, he helped take care of her. That usually happened whenever Quill had an afterschool meeting or gladly gave some students detention. On those occasions, Charlie watched over her for a couple of hours or so. Despite being the daughter of Quill, Charlie did love her. She made the house feel less spacious and empty. She brought some joy into a flat that contained nothing but pain and anger. In a way, she was Charlie’s only reason to live. Andrea wasn’t his child and she never will be, but if allowed, he would love to tell her stories of Rhodia. He would like to but it seemed to be only a possibility. He didn’t think that Quill would want _him_ to be the one to tell these stories. 

They made light chit chat until they finished their ice cream. Ram talked about football. April talked a bit about folk music. Tanya talked about her brothers and some of the teachers at Coal Hill. Neither Charlie nor Matteusz knew what to talk about. Matteusz made the occasional comment in the conversation while Charlie was almost completely silent. He wanted to join in, more than anything he wanted to, but he didn't know how. April tried to get him involved. She asked him questions about grades, and Charlie told her they were good, and they were. His report card was all A's and B's. He wasn't necessarily surprised by his grades. He spent hours devoting himself to his studies. April asked him about art, to which he sadly responded with he hadn't drawn anything for a while. The drawings in his sketchbook came to a screeching halt after the events of _that_ day. His hands were itching to sketch something out but he was afraid of what he would do if he let them. He was scared of the illustration that would be printed out across the page if he let his hand carry a pencil on it. 

“A dance is coming up," April commented, staring down at her half-filled bowl. The rest of the group, except Ram, nodded their heads, remembering that the date was soon. "Can you guys help me decorate tomorrow?” She asked, leg bouncing underneath the table as she anxiously waited for an answer. Her boyfriend nodded his head as he continued to eat the ice cream. Ram had already agreed to help her out. He was the only at the table who was aware of her scheme. She told him her plan to get everyone together in one room. It might be a bad idea, or it might be a good one, April believed that it would simultaneously be both. She knew it wasn’t good to meddle with people’s lives, but that was what the Shadowkin did to them, and now they have to find away to un-meddle their lives. She knew that despite all the tension and anger that was between all of them, there was a desire to be friends again. Ram admitted it to her one night in the dark. He whispered in the night about how he missed those dorks. 

Besides April, Ram stayed in touch with Tanya. Whenever he went over to Tanya’s, he hung out with Matteusz too; but it was only when he was over there. There were still feelings of dislike towards Charlie, that much was expected since he did murder his girlfriend. He knew April was dealing some that anger as well, but unlike him, she was more understanding. Both her and Charlie knew that the way to end the Shadowkin was by killing April and Corakinus. From what April has told him, it hurt Charlie to pull the trigger - and aside from the pain of actually being shot- it hurt her to see him do it. With this anger and history between the two, he was surprised when he realized that he missed Charlie as well. It was weird. In a short time, the group somehow etched themselves into Ram's life and it felt strange without them. He got used to the company. Then as quickly as those bonds were formed, they were broken. They were strained by the space rock and they were broken by the Shadowkin. It was war on earth and amongst each other. Like April, he missed the five of them hanging out on an uneventful weekend. 

Everyone around the table looked like they were deciding about whether or not to help out. In order to speed up the process, Ram kicked Tanya's leg under the table. "Ow!" She exclaimed. She stared at him with wide eyes and an annoyed expression. 

He mouthed the words, "Do it!" He then realized that he wasn't as subtle as he wanted to be.

"I'll do it," Tanya answered first, rolling her eyes at Ram as she replied. 

"I can help out too," Matteusz volunteered. 

That left Charlie. He sat at the end of the table, elbows resting on the table, hand circling around the bowl as he tried to scoop up what ice cream was left inside of it. He was truly oblivious at times. Sometimes it was adorable, other times it could be quite irritating. Once he put the spoon in his mouth, he realized that the other four teenagers were staring at him. His eyes grew a bit wider once he realized it was his turn to answer the question. He quickly took the spoon out and swallowed down the cold dessert, making a small wince that was noticed by everyone because they were staring. Charlie stared down at the table, skin heating up in embarrassment. He was doing it again. He was behind on the conversation that his colleagues were discussing around him. Of course, he was distracted by another human delight - a delight that didn’t seem to be as big or important to humans as it was for him, making him even stranger than he already was. ”I’ll have to work things out with Quill," He answered, dropping his spoon in the bowl. 

"What do you mean?" Tanya asked, leaning over the table to look past Matteusz. Charlie knew what was going through her head. Maybe it was a thought that flashed in her mind for one second, but Charlie knew that it occurred to her. Despite the fact that Quill got the arn out of her head, Charlie knew that Tanya suspected that he somehow had power or leverage over her. He didn't. He didn't try either. The thought did cross Tanya's mind for a second. From what she could tell, Charlie and Miss Quill still weren't friends. Tanya didn’t think that the two could ever be friends. She would be worried if they did. The words Charlie spoke brought the emotions of fear, anger, and above all caution. She didn’t want to make the incorrect assumption about her old friend but it would be better to be wrong than to never ask at all. It was better to misinterpret someone’s words rather than ignore them and hope for the best.  She was worried because the only time the two 'worked things out' was when Charlie ordered Miss Quill around, and she always had to reluctantly obey. The creature was out of her head so Charlie shouldn't be able to control her. The words Charlie had just spoken used to have a different meaning. While Charlie knew the _true_ meaning of his words, Tanya was only _hoping_ that they meant something different. 

Charlie's eyes glanced up at her for only a second. He looked kind of tiny, like he wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. It wasn't that he was physically tiny; it was that his body seemed to be vulnerable. It was difficult to explain. Charlie was Charlie but on other occasions, he was terrifying. There were moments where Charlie was tough and strong and looked invincible. Charlie wasn't tiny but he was giving the _appearance_ that he was. His eyes flickered up in a way that made Tanya think he was a bit nervous. His hands moved under the table but his arms were moving slightly which would mean that his hands were fidgeting. She didn't exactly know what his hands were doing, but his body language could be interpreted as nervous. She couldn’t think of a time when Charlie was nervous. She recalled him being anxious or having anxiety, but never nervous. Usually she has only seen him as oblivious, nice, or downright scary. 

"Whenever Quill has an after school meeting or has to stay at the school later than I do, I go pick Andrea up from the daycare nearby Coal Hill," He explained quietly, eyes still glaring down at the table. "I then go back to the flat." _The flat_ , not home. That was Charlie’s cry for help. That was the only way Charlie knew how to ask for help. It was by using simple words or sayings that displayed emotional attachments or detachments. For everyone else, ‘flat’ was another term for home. It could easily be brushed off. For Charlie, it was a way of saying that he was lonely. He was lonely, isolated, and angry in the house and it was driving him mad. The flat wasn’t his home; it was his prison. It wasn’t a physical prison – Charlie had the ability to leave whenever he pleased – it was more of an emotional prison. It was a reminder of how he ended up in a room in an empty house. It reminded him why he was alone again. It was a cold house filled with nothing but silence and the occasional cry of a baby. At one point –for Charlie – the house held light. He thought that maybe the empty house could become his home, and for a couple weeks, it felt like home. But the light went out and now it was consumed by darkness again. 

"I can help with prom decorations as long as Quill is available to pick her up." He finished explaining, eyes glaring down at the light brown surface of the table. He pretended he was observing it and waited for everyone else to look away. Quill and Charlie had built up an orderly system that would only require them to meet only so few times in the household. Quill was able to pick Andrea up on most days and by the time she got home Charlie was already up in his room. On those days, the only time the two saw or spoke to one another was at school and when they were ordering dinner. On the days that she couldn't pick up Andrea because of job obligations, Charlie helped out and picked up the baby from daycare. On those days, they saw each other more often. They would see each other at the school, then again when Quill arrived back at the flat and Charlie would go downstairs to give her Andrea. Then they would see each other again when they ordered in dinner. They lived together but they lived completely separate lives. There was little conversation that went on between the two. Neither of them wanted to share and neither cared enough to ask. 

April nodded her head, hiding the disappointment that she felt with Charlie's words. Charlie didn't notice because he was still staring down at the table. Ram knew. He squeezed her hand gently under the table and she smiled at him, appreciating the small gesture. Matteusz and Tanya were somewhat clueless to what was happening with the other three teenagers. Neither of them was aware of what April was planning, but both were extremely aware of the fact that Charlie still had this certain expression on his face. Only one of the two teenagers were kind of familiar with that look and it was Matteusz. The Polish boy had seen similar look on Charlie before. It was when Charlie began thinking about Rhodia, or aliens, or something along that line. Charlie practically had a universe in his head, and sometimes the alien boy would get lost inside of it. He would stare off into space and Matteusz would always wonder if he was thinking about something that was completely unimaginable but completely true. The expression resembled the one Matteusz knew but there was a difference. 

Charlie’s eyes were darker, shadowed by his eyelids. They were staring down like a child would when they were being scolded by their parents and couldn’t bare look up at them for fear of seeing their disappointment. Matteusz couldn’t tell what was wrong with his ex-boyfriend. He knew there was something up, something sprinting across his mind, but he didn’t know. He wanted to know what was going on in Charlie’s head. He _always_ wanted to know what was going on in Charlie’s head, but now he was curious as to what sent him into that state. Matteusz wanted to reach out and hold him. He wanted to protect him. He ignored that feeling, blaming it on the lingering feelings he had for Charlie.

At the end of the night, they threw away their trash and left the tiny shop. They gathered outside to say their goodbyes. “I’ll message you once I’ve spoken to her,” Charlie informed April. His hands were hanging by his sides, stiff and controlled. His posture was straight; she couldn’t recall a time when he really slouched. He tried to give her a small smile and she smiled back. “Hopefully I will be able to attend.” April smiled again at him. She rubbed the side of his shoulder, appreciating his words. They all stood around in a bunch. 

“Need a ride home?” Ram asked from besides April. Matteusz and Tanya nodded their heads. Charlie didn’t do anything until Ram and April looked at him, waiting for an answer. He nodded his head. It was cold, and the ice cream for Quill was making it worse. 

The car ride was completely silent, only filled with the music from the radio. April sat up front with Ram while Charlie, Matteusz, and Tanya sat in the back. Charlie and Matteusz sat next to the opposite doors while Tanya sat in the middle of them. It was rather cramped in the back, making Charlie exceedingly uncomfortable. He was the first one to be dropped off since his flat was the closest. They all muttered their goodbyes as he left the car and he waved to them as they drove away. He stood there a moment longer, despite the fact that the car was out of his eyesight. He breathed in deeply, ignoring the fact that he was shaking from the cold. He didn’t like the cold but he liked breathing in chilly air. It was one of the few things he enjoyed. It was nice. It was different. Charlie found it refreshing. It made him feel like he was somewhere else. It fueled his imagination to run away. It fueled his dream of being somebody else, someone other than himself.

Later that night, four phones rang. Each one belonged to Tanya, April, Ram, and Matteusz. They were all resting in their beds, waiting for sleep to consume their minds, and then their phones rang. On the screen was a message from Charlie. It simply read: _I can help with decorations tomorrow._ April smiled in her bed and responded with an enthusiastic _Great!_ A little smile grew on Ram’s face as well, for he knew that his girlfriend would be smiling in that moment too. Tanya read the text and put the phone back on her bedside table. She buried herself in the warmth of her covers. She had problems with Charlie, problems that desperately needed to be addressed, but for right now, it all seemed like they were going to help out with decorations. They were all helping out April. Matteusz saw the text and put his phone down as well.

(Thank you so much to @[timeneverforgets](https://timeneverforgets.tumblr.com) on tumblr!)


	2. Why the fuck are all these lights on?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miss Quill walks into Charlie's room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Half of this is Miss Quill's point of view and the other half is Charlie's.
> 
> There is no schedule I have for updating. It can be a couple days from now or a couple weeks from now. It depends on what I want to write and how motivated I am to write it.

The Prince jumped in his seat when Andra'ath opened the door to his chambers. He quickly returned his attention to whatever he was doing on his desk and she rolled her eyes at him. Of course, she barges into his room in the middle of the night and he continues to neglect her presence. She had to get up to go to the toilet when she noticed Charles's lights on. Once she was finished in the restroom, she decided to pay the Prince a visit. It wasn't interest or curiosity that made her do this, it was simply out of spite. She knew that the Prince hated it when she barged into his room. If he complained that her presence was distracting, she would argue back that his annoyingly bright lights that slipped between the cracks of his door were obnoxious. Instead of having the reaction that she anticipated - which was quite disappointing - he continued to scribble on his notebook. "What are you doing?" She asked, narrowing her eyes at the boy. 

His hand paused over the notebook and his eyes lifted slightly, staring right at the tip of the page. His chest rose with a quick breath before he answered, "A project." His hand proceeded to write across the page beneath his arm. She glanced around the room, ensuring that there were no deadly threats that made him easily surrender to her question. Usually whenever she asked Charles about anything she received _'it's none of your business, Quill.'_ She took a step inside the room, testing the boy’s strange behavior. His hand paused for a second before continuing to write. He was aware of her. She took another step forward, testing him once again. His hand stopped completely and he finally looked at her. "What do you want, Quill?" He asked again, voice remaining calm. 

"What are you doing?" She repeated her question from earlier. Charles has never answered any question of hers so simply. 

"A project," He sighed out again, annoyance crossing his face. It brought Andra'ath some happiness. Her brow still furrowed at the easiness it took to get him to answer her question. She strolled over to the desk, taking a look at what the Prince was doing. Spread out across the desk was neatly written notes. Some were individual sheets of paper; others were ripped from the spiral notebook that the Prince was currently writing in. The computer screen was bright with two tabs open. One of them was a Word document that was hidden behind the safari. Pulled up on the Internet was a bunch of words concerning a book that Andra'ath certainly didn't care about. She blinked and stepped back from the computer screen, bewildered by the young man’s behavior. 

With that, Andra’ath left the room, closing the door behind her. Neither one of them said goodnight. They acknowledged that the other departed to their rooms but it was always without a word. The relationship between Charles and Miss Quill was hardly a relationship at all; it was more of a dynamic. It was a lonely one. They solely kept the dynamic alive purely because neither one of them wanted to be alone. ‘Alone’ in this case means the last of their kind. It means that only one of them would carry the grief and pain of seeing their entire species get slaughtered by the Shadowkin. The bond between the two aliens was a lifeline that was hardly used. Neither one spoke to each other about the events of their planet. The only time they had spoken of it was when they were discussing the Cabinet and the Shadowkin. Neither aliens could or would seek comfort in the other, thus making the bond almost useless, but they were the only ones who understood what they saw on that horrid day. They may not talk about the events, but there was an unspoken feeling that both aliens carried. 

Everyone – not even Rhodians or Quill is excluded from this – have the need to be understood. There is this desire to have someone understand what you have been through. It’s a want to be understood. When that want happens, comfort comes along with it. The relationship between Charles and Andra’ath was hardly a relationship at all, but with their memories and scars came _some_ comfort because both knew what it was like. They didn’t understand each other and they might never understand one another, but they understood their suffering. They understood that pain. The dynamic let both of them know that they were not alone. The dynamic helped the Prince and Freedom Fighter know that they were both carrying the weight of their world. This dynamic was useless at times. Most of the times the dynamic was filled with anger and resentment. But there were times when it kept both Charlie and Andra’ath from drowning in the grief of their people. 

That was why Miss Quill saved the Prince. She is powerful, she is strong, and she is _war itself_ , but even a powerful warrior like herself can be consumed by grief. She disliked – sometimes – hated Charles but he too had those moments where he felt like he was drowning. When he stood in front of that soul, she saved him. A part of her did it because she was motivated by revenge, the Prince believes that it was revenge, but another reason why she saved him is because she didn’t want to be the only drowning victim. He has never helped her and she has never helped him. They don’t speak about what they’re feeling like all these obnoxious humans do, but their presence made the other one feel a _little_ less lonely. Aside from those few moments, the dynamic was mostly resentment and anger. It was distant and cold. They only wanted the other person to be alive because neither one wanted to be alone.

The two meant nothing to each other. What formed a dynamic was their home planet and how it no longer existed. If Rhodia had never been destroyed and Miss Quill was still able to get her freedom, they would’ve parted ways a _long_ time ago. They might’ve become their very worst enemy. But that didn’t happen. Rhodia was destroyed and the Shadowkin had become their nemesis. Now the Shadowkin was dead, but so was their planet.

She slowly crept into her room, trying so desperately to not wake her child up. She climbed into her bed and slowly brought the sheets back up to cover her body. She turned to her side and stared out the window. Light was barely shining through the curtain-covered window, but it was enough to bring her comfort in the shadows. While she tried to fall back asleep, the alien Prince remained in his room, working on his project. 

Charlie watched as she closed the door. He continued to stare at it after it shut. After a minute of solitude, he returned to his notebook. The page was halfway filled with sloppily written notes on this book called _Wuthering Heights_. He read it. He didn’t care for it. He found books like _Harry Potter_ much more fascinating. He had heard Tanya mention the books the books several times. It always led to debates between his old friends, and Charlie always sat there clueless. For the project, he was looking back on some plot summaries, making sure that he remembered some of the scenes correctly. He was taking notes using the internet and the book itself. Creating bullet points for quotes and pieces of evidence that he deemed important to the story. The essay for the book wasn’t due for a couple weeks, Charlie was aware of that, but he figured that since he can’t sleep he might as well start on it. 

Charlie's bed was a mess. The blankets were twisted and tangled from his fitful sleep. He would toss and turn and occasionally kick, trying to hide and protect himself from the monsters that haunted his nightmares. Sometimes...only a few times...in the nightmares...he was trying to run from himself. This reoccurring, hellish nightmare that took place in his drowsy head was in no way connected to his dream of running away, no, he was running from himself because he _was_ the monster. While the monsters haunted him from his past, he was haunted by himself as well – by the horrible acts that he has committed. He wanted to forget them. He wanted to escape them. He wanted to escape the monster that he was. 

There was this one nightmare – a more specific reoccurring one – where Charlie couldn’t run. He couldn’t run from himself, instead he was being taken down. In this dream he was drowning in blood. It was the blood of his people, the blood of the Shadowkin; it was _April’s_ blood. He was drowning in it. He would vomit the blood out, it would stream out of his eyes and ears, and the blood would escape from underneath his fingernails as well. It was horrifying. He would always wake up before he suffocated to death. Until that sweet release came, Charlie was doomed to a fitful slumber where he drowned in the blood of the people he killed.

After making progress on his report, he decided to return to his bed. He shut his computer, demolishing the bright screen. He turned off the main lights, which only left the lamp on his bedside table on. He trudged through his room to the side of his bed. He straightened up the bed, untangling the sheets and organizing the pillows. The bed was practically filled with pillows. About four of the pillows were originally purchased for decoration but Charlie put them to use. The pillows covered the opposite side of the bed, turning his large bed into a single one. It made the bed warmer, less emptier. He climbed in the bed, bringing the covers up to his shoulders. He switched off the lamp and was instantly greeted by darkness. His eyes needed to adjust from the sudden change in lighting.

He filled the bed with pillows weeks after the Polish boy moved out. Before that, it was Matteusz who was there to comfort him when he woke up from a bad dream. It was Matteusz who embraced him in his warmth and calmed him down. When he moved out, there was nothing. There was no one to hold him in the middle of he night. Like the house, the bed was cold and empty, reminding him of what it once was and what it currently is now. He didn’t think that the change of bedding arrangements would affect him as much as it did. Before Matteusz, Charlie had slept alone his entire life. Even when he couldn’t sleep as a young child, he was never allowed to sleep in his parent’s bed. He had himself for 17 years. He never had to turn to pillows to make his bed fuller. But unfortunately times have changed and so has Charlie.

The pillows were large enough to hold when he got scared. They were large enough to take up half the bed. The pillows were _good enough_ to calm Charlie down and bring him little – but some – comfort. They weren’t warm but at least it wasn’t empty. If the pillows helped him sleep then he wasn’t going to be embarrassed by the fact that he needed them. Never mind, he would be embarrassed. He would be embarrassed by the fact that all he had was a couple pillows. Nevertheless, he needed to do what he could in order to get through life. Everyone had their way of coping and this was one of Charlie's. 

Lights from the lampposts on the street barely shined through his blinded window. It provided a dim light that was barely visible. It wasn’t too bright to keep Charlie from sleeping but it was bright enough to keep him safe. Most of the room was still dark. He was fine as long as he had some source of light. The thought of complete darkness was rather terrifying. If he had no lighting then there were shadows everywhere and there was no way to escape it. He wanted to escape it. That was why the light didn’t bother him; it was because it protected him in some way. It provided comfort. 

Charlie stared at the ceiling and closed his eyes, praying to the Rhodian gods that no more nightmares would visit him this night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said at the bottom of my last chapter, I am needy for validation so please leave comments and kudos.


	3. How Can I Be Myself When I Don't Want To Be Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am posting this chapter because desperately need to make sure that I am still doing a good job.

April split up the days of week so that she would equally share her lunchtime with Charlie and the rest of her friends. The two were eating outside. They always ate outside when it was warm enough. The sun was out and the temperature was good enough. There was a bit of a breeze but neither cared. 

“I’m assuming you and Ram are going to the dance together?” Charlie asked her, pinching off a bite of his sandwich. He was staring down at his sandwich and only looked up at her for a brief moment. His voice was curious, completely hiding the fact that he wished he had someone to go to the dance with. He knew he could go alone like April did at prom, but he wasn’t like her. She was beautiful and human; she fit right into the crowd. Charlie was an awkward alien with the one friend. That one friend was also attending the dance with her boyfriend and Charlie didn’t want to ruin it for them. He had already ruined the last dance for her and Ram by attracting the Shadowkin to Coal Hill. There were other reasons as well, but that was one of them. 

April nodded her head. She had recognized some of the ways Charlie hid himself but she had yet to find out what feelings lied beyond tones. His voice would be natural sounding and she wouldn’t be able to tell that he was upset. She might be able to recognize the signs with his expressions, but never from his voice alone. He was able to hide when he wanted to. “Ram asked me last weekend,” She answered once she swallowed down a piece of her sandwich. “He’s a bit nervous.” 

“That’s understandable,” Charlie said, recalling how prom went. April nodded in agreement. To be honest, she’s a bit nervous herself. The idea of attending the dance was a foreign one. After all that has happened at the school, do they dare try to have a good night on school grounds? If Charlie were going, he would be frightened as well. He would be worried that the crack would open up once more. In fact, Charlie is worried that the crack will open at the dance. The Shadowkin won’t be coming through the crack again but something else could. And it will most likely be deadly. “Are Matteusz and Tanya attending?” Charlie briefly glanced up at her again. His eyes seemed to be focused on his food. 

“I know Matteusz is going,” April answered; leaving out the detail that Matteusz was going with a date. If someone was going to tell Charlie that his ex-boyfriend was bringing a date to the dance then it should be Matteusz himself. “Tanya doesn’t know if she’s going yet.” 

“Matteusz has a date, doesn’t he?” Charlie asked. This time he didn’t meet her eyes. Instead, he stared down at his half-eaten sandwich. His voice was completely neutral. It had no trace of emotion in it. April froze in her spot, eyes wider than they were a second ago. “I overheard a boy in my English class talking about how he was going to the dance with another boy named Matteusz.” Charlie now met her gaze, it was completely stoic. His eyes were looking into hers for confirmation. She begrudgingly nodded her head. He returned his attention to his food. To Charlie it made sense that he was moving on. It made sense why Matteusz would date a human after Charlie, specifically _that_ human. He was attractive, nice, smart, and _human._ He was ordinary, much different from Charlie. 

April didn't know if Charlie still had feelings for Matteusz. He never talked about the Polish boy with her. It was one of the things he never spoke to April about, but Charlie didn't talk about many things with April. She believed that Charlie didn't speak about many things with anyone. The young alien Prince seemed to have an infinite amount of secrets. Another definition for 'secrets' was details about his past that he kept to himself. Some of those details appeared to have shaped Charlie's personality in every way possible. A few details weren't good. They affected him negatively. From what April has gathered, Charlie was isolated as a child. Because of that isolation he has a gut-wrenching, almost sickening fear of losing any of his friends. If the friendships did fall apart, he would blame himself. Charlie was a bit awkward, and April loved that about him because that was what made him Charlie, but unfortunately, he would think his awkwardness would be one of the reasons why they had left. Every aspect of himself that he didn't like would suddenly become a con. It was a problem that needed to be fixed. At the end of a relationship, he would think that it was his fault. 

April was right, that was exactly what was happening to Charlie. That was what he was doing to himself. He was nitpicking at every personality trait that he knew others disliked. He knew that his actions were the reasons why he was now single with almost no friends, but he knew that he had traits that his old friends and ex-boyfriend didn’t like. He knew that they wished he were more human. He believed that if he fixed these obnoxious traits then maybe people would like him more. He hoped that he could change himself enough so that he wouldn’t be this obnoxious, oblivious, awkward alien that constantly had to ask questions about pop culture. He hoped that he wouldn’t be this _weird_. One thing that Charlie noticed about humans was that they always preached ‘be yourself.’ It seemed that ‘being yourself’ only applied if you were ordinary. If Charlie continued to be his strange alien self then he would continue to get weird glances and eye rolls from people. He didn’t want that anymore. What humans unknowingly preach is an ordinary and normal personality and life. Charlie could forge an ordinary past and he could work on making himself normal. 

"What do you need me to do for decorations?" Charlie asked, biting down into his sandwich. 

"You could draw some posters," She suggested. She covered her mouth with her hand as she spoke, hiding her mouthful of food. Charlie instantly and viciously shook his head side to side. It was like the idea of him drawing was absolutely repulsive. If Charlie weren’t Charlie, then April would've thought that he was being modest. If it were anybody else, she would've thought that they rejected the suggestion because they thought they were poor at drawing. But Charlie was a fantastic artist and he knew it. He told her the previous night at the ice cream shop that he hadn't been drawing as much. She figured that he was busy. They were all busy with fighting aliens and doing homework. She didn't know why he was so appalled by the idea that she would want him to make a poster. 

"I don't want to draw anything," He finally got out. "I can hang stuff up on the walls." His eyes were blue and sweet, like he desperately would do anything to help her, anything except that. She nodded her head, agreeing to his idea. He cleared his throat. “Are you excited? For tomorrow night?” He clarified. A small smile spread across her face and she nodded her head. 

“You’re coming, right?” She hoped to see Charlie there. She wanted to see him have a good time. She wanted all of them to have a good time. They deserved to. But sadly, Charlie shook his head. 

“I couldn’t go even if I wanted to. Quill has to chaperone the dance so I’m staying home with Andrea.” She nodded her head, understanding that he had other obligations, but it still hurt to hear that Charlie was going to lock himself up in that house again. Whenever he wasn’t at school, he was at home. April had the impression that Charlie never really left the house. She would visit him when he invited her but never visited her place when she invited him. She didn’t know why he never came over. 

Charlie knew why he never accepted the invitation. He wanted to tell April why but he knew what she would do if he told her. If Charlie told her the truth, that he couldn’t bring himself to enter the house and see the mother of the friend that he betrayed, for fear of being completely forgiven, then she would lecture him. It wasn’t a bad lecture it was a good one. She would list all of the things they tried to do to stop the Shadowkin but in the end it wasn’t enough. In the end, they both did what had to be done. She comforted him. April would also remind him that it was her choice whether or not to forgive him. It was _her choice_ not his. She was a good friend, and Charlie loved her for putting up with him. But despite the fact that he loved the long and true lecture, he hated it as well. Charlie knew that admitting he had still rejected her forgiveness would launch her into another lecture. Charlie knew it well. But the lecture was beginning to feel like a waste of time. He wasn’t going to budge on the topic of whether or not he has been forgiven, so he would rather not waste April’s time by making her repeat it. 

April was right. It was her choice to forgive Charlie. He could not take that away from her. She was also right to point out that Charlie had to make a decision that needed to be made. Charlie didn’t know it, but he needed to be reminded of that. The problem was the guilt that Charlie carried and what he thought of himself. It was a complicated, unhealthy mindset. One that few people can understand. Charlie wanted to be happy but didn’t think he deserved to be. He wanted to be forgiven, but he didn’t believe that he deserved that either. He thought he was a monster who deserved the worst that this world had to offer him. With that thought, he punished himself and it wasn’t a hard thing to do since he knew that people blamed him for what he has done. He punished himself and he looked for others to punish him as well. Having someone else punish him was better, it was easier, and it justified what he was doing to himself. It was justifying the way he punished himself, one of these punishments being isolation. Charlie was and wasn’t isolated by choice. Not many people wanted to be friends with him, that wasn’t his choice. But he purposely isolated himself from April, thinking that he didn’t deserve her in his life. He was worried that he would hurt her again. That fear made him choose to never get too close to any of his old friends. He didn’t want to ruin their lives more than he already has. 

Here is the point that is trying to be made. Charlie preferred to be punished by other people because it justified what he was doing to himself. He didn’t want to enter April’s house because her forgiveness would become more real to him. Forgiveness would give Charlie the idea that he could be happy, which he firmly believed he shouldn’t be. Forgiveness would take away his source of punishment, which would mean that he would have to go to himself for such guilt. Forgiveness would mean that maybe one day Charlie would have to forgive himself and he didn’t think he was worthy enough to be forgiven. He would apologize for his actions a million times and he would mean it but that didn’t mean that he wanted to be forgiven. 

April didn’t know any of this. No one but Charlie knew this. 

“Are the _Harry Potter_ movies good?” Charlie suddenly asked. April choked on her sandwich and began coughing. Charlie patted her shoulder, seemingly confused about how he should help her. The question caught her off guard. Charlie has never brought up Harry Potter before. Of course, he has asked her a lot of questions about pop culture but it was never about her opinion on something. Charlie always asked what something was not if it was good.

She nodded her head once she finished coughing. “Yeah, they’re pretty good. I mean, almost _always_ the book is better so I would recommend reading them first.” 

“I already have,” Charlie informed her. He was finally looking at her now. The conversation felt different. Charlie seemed more confident than he was only a second ago. April was surprised again by his words. 

“When?” She asked. He had never spoken to her about reading them. She was happy of course. She would gladly talk about Harry Potter with Charlie. She knew that the rest of the group would probably be excited as well. Before everything fell out, Tanya was always getting on Charlie about watching them. While she was happy, she was a bit shocked as well. Charlie loved telling them when he was going to watch or read something that was huge in pop culture. When watching something, he loved to be with friends, or his ex-boyfriend. She knew that circumstances have changed and he probably wouldn’t be able to do that, but April figured that she would’ve known when he read them. She figured she would have some idea of the reaction he had to the novels. 

“A little over a week ago,” He answered. “I enjoyed them. I was going to watch one tonight and then watch the rest tomorrow. Are you doing anything tonight?” Charlie asked her. He was inviting her over. She smiled and shook her head, agreeing to watch the first Harry Potter movie with him.

The action was sweet. It was nice to see the two planning a fun activity together. But Charlie’s sudden interest in popular books and movies was an idea. Charlie didn’t understand why some of these sources of entertainment were so popular, but none of that mattered now. If he wanted to be a normal human being than he needed to know such ridiculous facts about movies that no one was going to remember years down the road. Charlie didn’t want to be Charlie, he wanted to be Human Charlie. The interest and need to engulf himself into pop culture, was the beginning of Charlie becoming human.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know when I will post again. I will definitely try but it might be a while. Once again, I want to make sure that I am doing this story justice so I posted this chapter. 
> 
> Also I want to write Matteusz's point of view next. What would you like to happen? I want suggestions.


	4. How Do You Get Over An Ex When You're Still In Love With Each Other?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteusz's point of view

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't quite know what to think of this chapter. I still took a look at Charlie but I also took a look at Matteusz and their relationship.

The school was quiet. Everyone in the school was gone except the new headmaster and the five teenagers that were going to do decorations for the prom. April brought all of the material that was needed: markers, paper, poster board, streamers, etc. They all stood around in the room where it all happened. It was where they attended prom. It was the room where April died. It was the room where Charlie used the Cabinet. So much happened in this room. All of them were beginning to regret that they agreed to this, even April had a sickening feeling in her stomach. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” She mumbled; leg bumping into the back of the bag. They all nodded their heads in agreement. 

“Well, we’re already here,” Tanya said, taking away the bag from April and dropping it on the ground. She began unpacking the material, tossing them down on the floor beside her. The rest of them all kneeled down too and helped out. Once the bag was completely unpacked, they all collected a few materials and spread out around the room. April collected large pieces of paper and some markers, the material needed to create a poster. Matteusz glanced over at Charlie, completely surprised that he wasn’t the one designated with the job of drawing up posters. The rest of them gathered up sticky bows that had tape on the back. They parted ways around the room, April at the center of the room and the rest of them at walls. 

It was completely quiet but it was absolutely deafening. They all felt like they were suffocating in the room. 

As April began to finish posters, the group came along and hung them up on the walls. Ram and Tanya paired up, leaving Charlie and Matteusz. 

“Why are you not drawing?” Matteusz asked Charlie. 

“I didn’t want to,” Charlie answered with a few simple words. He slapped the corner of the poster onto the wall. Like April, those words didn’t sit right with Matteusz. When him and Charlie were dating, his ex-boyfriend _loved_ to draw. It didn’t matter what it was Charlie would draw it. Sometimes the alien boy just made really pretty doodles. Other times he drew something that he had seen, like the picture of the dragon. Other times he drew images of people he loved. Charlie had drawn him a picture of Matteusz himself. While Matteusz loved the picture, he insisted that Charlie draw a picture of himself, so that way he would always have a picture of him. The idea feels foreign and silly now that they have broken up. Matteusz has kept the picture of himself and the one of Charlie is with Charlie. The point was that Charlie was always itching and willing to draw. Hearing him say that he didn’t made him worried. April knew that Charlie wasn’t all right, and Matteusz was going to realize that soon. 

“Why not?” He asked, hoping that Charlie would tell him. The two boys were standing in front of the wall, sticking on posters and other decorations. Matteusz turned to face Charlie; he was staring at the poster in front of him. 

“I haven’t wanted to,” He responded. Silence fell upon the two as Charlie lied and Matteusz knew very well that he was lying. Charlie has only lied to him about the Cabinet; so Matteusz didn’t really know what he looked like when he lied, but Mattuesz knew that he was lying now because it was about something that Matteusz knew Charlie loved. It was obvious. 

The topic of Charlie and drawing has been brought up many times. He wanted to draw but he was afraid. He had the strong desire to paint Rhodia on the wall of his house while the memory of his planet was still in his mind, but at the same time, he was worried how he would react to seeing his planet – a planet that is no longer alive – painted on the walls of the house where he currently lives. It would explicit emotions, which he has done his best to repress. He wanted to remember the image of his planet but he didn’t want to see it on the planet where he had to live. He was constantly reminded that he wasn’t home but it was different than seeing your planet and knowing that you can never go back. He knew that he couldn’t go home but he didn’t want to see his planet and not be able to go. 

Charlie was worried about what contained emotions would rise to the surface if he allowed himself to draw the subjects that he desired, his planet being one of these subjects. There were other subjects that he could use but he feared that he would have the same reaction that he had with the thought of painting his planet. He couldn’t draw the people that he used to draw. He had a pile of old pictures and drawings stashed away in a drawer in his room. Several illustrations were stored away from his eyes. He needed to give them to his old friends. He thought that maybe they would like the pictures. They all knew that Charlie had drawn them in the past, he had always asked permission, but he did them in his sketchbook and intended to keep them along with all of his other pictures. Obviously that has changed. Since then, Charlie has removed the pictures from the book and hid them away. He loved drawing pictures of his friends, but he couldn’t do that anymore. Charlie thought that it would be a bit creepy, and he knew that it would upset him as well. He wasn’t with Matteusz anymore, and besides April, they weren’t friends anymore. 

He decided that he would give his friends the pictures and drawing he had of them. Charlie didn’t think that he was supposed to keep images of people that were no longer in his life, but he was an alien, he didn’t know to do this. The only problem was that he had old pictures of him and Matteusz together as well. He had drawings, and he was proud of them, but he didn’t think that his ex-boyfriend would want these pictures. Charlie didn’t think that he was supposed to keep pictures of him and Matteusz together. Once again, Charlie was an alien with little experience in the topic of friendship and romance. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do. 

"I heard that you were going with Andrew to the dance," Charlie brought up, shattering the silence between Charlie and Matteusz. "He's nice," Charlie complimented, crossing his arms over his chest. The smaller boy turned his face to smile at him. The smile was brief, quickly fading away. Matteusz had seen Charlie smile like that before. It appeared when Charlie confessed something that would upset him or Matteusz. He had seen the smile for a brief second when Charlie had confessed that the Cabinet of Souls was a weapon. It was a smile but it wasn't there because he was happy. It was a smile with no real happiness behind it. It had good intentions but the emotion behind it was somewhat empty. “He's smart, too. I can see why you like him." 

“How do you know him?” Matteusz questioned. It wasn’t a question of paranoia or worry; it was simply out of curiosity. He didn’t know that the two knew each other. 

“He’s in my English class,” Charlie answered, staring down at his shoes. “I hope you like him.” 

The Polish boy knew that Charlie wasn’t looking at him, but he still smiled. He knew Charlie was trying to make an effort. Matteusz knew that behind Charlie’s words were good intentions. The alien boy wanted nothing more than for Matteusz to be happy, and Matteusz knew that. Neither of them talked much because neither of them knew how too. They were both their first boyfriends and both had their first break up. They weren’t quite sure how to maintain a relationship while being exes. But just because they didn’t talk much, didn’t mean that they didn’t care for one another other. On the contrary, both boys cared about each other, and the two boys knew that. 

Matteusz was conflicted. At the time, when everything was completely chaos and everyone quit talking, breaking up with Charlie seemed to be a cut and dry decision. Charlie had killed his friend. Charlie had committed murder _and_ genocide, which was a good enough reason to justify a break up. There was the fact that Matteusz feared Charlie. He never feared what Charlie would do to him – Charlie would never hurt Matteusz – but he feared what he would do to other people. Matteusz never approved of what Charlie thought about Miss Quill’s “punishment,” but he then did something monstrous, and Matteusz couldn’t be with him anymore. At the time, when the five children were still shaking from fear and sobs, it seemed like the only thing to do. Break up with Charlie, end the fear that Matteusz had while being with him, and hopefully put an end to all of his conflicting feelings. These conflicting emotions fogged up Matteusz’s mind. Charlie committed genocide that would make him a monster, correct? If Matteusz stayed with him, would that make him a monster as well? Was Matteusz a monster if he continued to love one? There wasn’t a simple answer. Along with the confusion of the questions, and the fear and anger, Matteusz broke it off. 

It seemed right and for a while it felt right as well. 

When the actual break up came, it hurt. Matteusz knew it would. Despite how he was feeling towards Charlie in that moment, Matteusz still loved him. He wanted them to work out so badly and it hurt to admit that they didn’t. The two boys accidentally made each other they’re everything. They needed each other in such an intense way. Charlie had found love and it gave him a reason to live after Rhodia had been destroyed. Matteusz had been abandoned – kicked out – by his own family and without hesitation Charlie gave him a home. They loved one another and they _needed_ each other. They were the only family they needed. Then it ended. It ended and it _hurt_. Matteusz stood by what he did but at the same time he wanted to take it all back. In that moment, while they were standing in what was now Charlie’s room, it broke Matteusz’s heart. In the end, it hurt like nothing he had ever felt before. His family kicking him out hurt more than anything but what he was feeling then was different. Matteusz survived that moment, confident that he would move on from Charlie, confident that he had put an end to so many conflicting and stressful emotions that he had been feeling at that time. 

But here he was, months later, standing in the room where Charlie used the Cabinet, and Matteusz was still as conflicted as he was before, except now it was worse. He _missed_ Charlie and he knew that Charlie missed him as well. He knew that with every conversation, Charlie was making an effort, and Charlie knew that the same could be said for Matteusz. They weren’t friends before they started dating. They flirted, they made each other blush, and they started dating. Nothing with them was platonic when they first met. It was hard to figure out how to go from exes to friends when they never were friends. They were only boyfriends and they had no idea how to be anything else. They figured that the only way to remain exes and to recover from the break up was to spend time apart but it _hurt_ as much as the break up did. Matteusz had most of the same feelings that he did before the break up but it was somehow worse. Matteusz had lingering feelings for Charlie. Scratch that, they weren’t lingering, but Matteusz wanted them to be. 

Matteusz no longer feared Charlie. Maybe that was because April was alive again, maybe it was because the Cabinet was no longer a weapon, or perhaps it was because him and Charlie had spent so much time apart; nevertheless, Matteusz wasn’t frightened by what Charlie was going to do. He was still scared of his feelings for Charlie. Now Matteusz was caught up in the desire to get back together with Charlie, the fear of still wanting Charlie, and the anger and hatred of what Charlie has done in the past. He didn’t know what he wanted and he didn’t know what to do. This was all made worse by the fact that Charlie _knew_. The alien boy knew that Matteusz had all of this going on in his head. He knew that the Polish boy still cared – possibly even loved – him, but it didn’t matter. Matteusz might’ve still cared for Charlie but the Prince knew that they would never get back together. Matteusz didn’t want to have feelings for Charlie and that was the deciding factor of their future. Charlie loved Matteusz and Matteusz didn’t _want_ to be in love with Charlie. Love didn’t matter when one person didn’t want the relationship.

Saying that Matteusz didn’t _want_ to be in love with Charlie could be taken the wrong way so here is an attempt to clear it up. Matteusz missed Charlie and without a doubt still had feelings for the other boy, but the problem was that they had spent so much time apart, and they ended in such a bad time, that it was even hard for them to be friends. Matteusz was still fearful and confused. He was still trying to make sense of those emotions and it was harder when he still felt something for Charlie. His feelings for Charlie were only making matters worse in his head. He had those same questions: Charlie committed genocide that would make him a monster, correct? If Matteusz stayed with him, would that make him a monster as well? Was Matteusz a monster if he continued to love one? And more importantly, what does Matteusz do if he still has feelings for the boy? His heart and head were telling him different things and these feelings for Charlie weren’t making it any better.

So here they were, standing in the room where it all happened. They were standing in the room, both _missing_ each other even though they were standing side by side. Here they were, both boys wishing that they could take the hand of the other in theirs. There they were, wishing that they could wrap the other in their arms and protect them from the world. Neither of them did that. They were broken up. Separated. Both of them stood there, experiencing and maybe even fantasying their desires, but they didn’t do anything. They were well aware that they couldn’t do that. Not only were they broken up, but they needed to move on as well. They ignored their ideas and desires because they knew they couldn’t be stuck in them. They needed to move on. 

“I do. Like him, that is,” Matteusz answered Charlie’s question. The answer was true enough. He did like Andrew, but those feelings weren’t as romantic as Matteusz hoped they would be. They weren’t helping him move on from the break up. The smile flickered again on Charlie’s face. It was tinier, weaker, and far more hurtful than the first one. 

Charlie was staring deeply down at his shoes and his arms were crossed over his chest. He looked small, like he wanted to hide away. “Are you going with anyone?” Matteusz asked, desperately wanting to continue the conversation. 

Charlie shook his head, eyes never leaving the floor. Charlie shrugged it off, a reaction that Matteusz always hated. Besides the ordeal with the Cabinet of Souls, Charlie and him were always honest with one another, but he knew that there was much more to Charlie than he knew. There were things that never came up and things that Charlie could never bring himself to actually talk about. There were some things that Charlie never thought to bring up. Matteusz knew that. He also knew that the root of the problem traced back to Charlie’s upbringing. Matteusz knew Charlie was isolated as a child, and he had his parents to blame for that. The King and Queen of Rhodia neglected their son. They isolated him and ignored him. It led to certain unhealthy emotional habits. For Charlie, a shrug meant that he was hiding something that upset him. For some people, a shrug meant uncertainty or that something was fine. With Charlie and for some other people, it was the internalization of something that bothered them. Charlie passed it off as if he was fine, but Matteusz knew better than that. 

“It doesn’t matter,” He mumbled. “I’m babysitting Andrea tonight since Quill is chaperoning the dance.” 

“Hey, um, can you guys hang up these streamers?” April asked, holding out a roll of blue streamers for them to take. The color almost matched the shade of blue on Charlie’s shirt. He always wore blue. Matteusz couldn’t recall a time when Charlie didn’t wear blue. He remembered being completely shocked when he found out that his ex-boyfriend wore red pajamas. The two nodded their heads and Charlie took the roll. “There’s a stepladder in the janitor’s closet,” She informed them, and they nodded their heads again. 

They headed out of the room in search of the janitor’s closet. They walked side by side in the hallway, something they hadn't done in a while. Charlie was still holding the roll in his hand. When he wasn't holding anything, Charlie usually liked to walk with his hands in his pockets or with his arms crossed, he rarely walked with both hands down by his sides, but since he was holding the large block of blue streamers, his hands hung by his sides. He was staring ahead at the hallway, clearly ignoring the fact that Matteusz was staring at him. He didn't mean to stare. Back when they were dating, Matteusz would stare at Charlie all the time because he thought his boyfriend was super cute. Charlie was still handsome, but that wasn't why Matteusz was looking at him. He was looking for something. He was pleading in his head for Charlie to look at him. There was a chance – a high one -that Charlie wasn't doing as well as Matteusz originally thought he was, and Charlie would never ask for help out loud, Matteusz didn't think that Charlie knew _how_ to ask for help, but if Charlie looked at him then maybe he could find confirmation that he wasn't doing well. 

“How are you?” Matteusz asked Charlie, hoping to get the other boy to look at him. 

“I’m doing well. How are you?” Charlie continued to stare out in front of them, neglecting the fact that Matteusz was trying to get to him. Charlie was smart in certain ways. Education wise he was smart, his grades were great. He was quite oblivious when it came to social cues, pop culture, sarcasm, etc. but he was quite good when it came to observing them. He was a Prince after all. He knew how to observe behaviors; he couldn’t trust everyone in the palace so he developed a skill to protect himself. He knew when people were digging to find something out about him. Sometimes he would give in, other times he held up. If he didn’t want to talk about something then he wouldn’t talk about it. When it came to something personal to Charlie, it all depended on whom he was talking to and what they were talking about. Once again, it was difficult for them to be friends; Matteusz doubted that Charlie was going to talk to him. 

That was another way how Charlie hid how he was doing. A common way to communicate that you weren’t fine was by saying you were ‘fine.’ Charlie never used that word. He used words such as ‘well’ or ‘good.’

“Me too,” Matteusz answered the question. Silence fell upon them once more. They walked around the school in silence until they found the closet. 

They opened the door to the janitor’s closet. Matteusz stepped inside and Charlie remained outside. The room was rather small; he knew why Charlie didn’t enter it. The stepladder was perched up against the wall. Matteusz wrapped his fingers around the handle and carried it out, closing the door behind him. Charlie started to turn away but Matteusz caught his wrist, stopping him for one second. Charlie looked at him and he hesitantly let go, fingertips light grazing the skin on Charlie’s hand. “I…” He started, eyes staring down at the ground. There was so much tension hanging in the air around them. It wasn’t a specific kind. “I know we haven’t spoken much…” He started again. When Matteusz’s eyes flickered up to look at Charlie, he noticed the other boy staring down at the ground as well. His hands were by his sides. His posture was perfect, his body was straight and aligned, and his eyes were just looking somewhere else. “But please let me know if you need anything.” 

Charlie nodded his head, heeding Matteusz’s words. Matteusz’s heart sank when Charlie refused to look at him. He nodded, clearly hearing his words, but Matteusz doubted that Charlie would actually listen to them. When Matteusz turned away, starting to make his way down the hallway, Charlie followed closely behind. He held the wrist that Matteusz touched. It wasn’t romantic, he knew that, but his skin tingled under the contact. 

Here was the thing. Charlie was lost. He couldn’t reach out. He didn’t know how and quite frankly he didn’t want to. He was trying to do it all on his own. He didn’t want to bother anyone else with his burden. He was trapped inside a dark cave and he was searching the ground for a flashlight. Someone needed to reach out for Charlie. Someone needed to be Charlie’s flashlight. 

Charlie needed to be found. And maybe…just maybe…it was five other Coal Hill students that could find him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEEDBACK PLEASE
> 
> And kinda I think that if M & C ever broke up it would have everything to do with logic and the characters' state of mind.


	5. Do You Really Think I Hate You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ram's point of view

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like the rest of the chapters, I am still not sure about how I feel about this chapter. I think I found something towards the end.

It was kind of a sudden thing. Ram was playing, they were all playing, and then suddenly the ball went out of bounds, except somehow it went _way_ out of bounds. For one second, Ram had his eye on the ball, then he next it was being kicked out of his eyesight. When his eyes laid on the ball again, he found a blonde boy dressed up in blue, sitting on the ground and cupping his nose while the ball rested besides him. Most of the players began to drift over to Charlie’s direction, most likely to retrieve the ball. Ram jogged over to Charlie and as he got closer he noticed blood covering his hands. Ram winced when Charlie removed his bloody hand from his face, revealing blood pouring out from his nose. Some of his teammates left once they had picked up the ball, others had stayed with Charlie, most likely to see his nose. Ram kneeled down next to the alien boy, “You okay?” He asked. Charlie nodded his head but it wasn’t exactly convincing. Ram gripped Charlie’s by his bicep and pulled him onto his feet. 

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” He told Charlie. He left the football field and entered the boys’ locker room. Charlie didn’t argue; he just let himself be pulled away by Ram. 

“There’s so much blood,” Charlie whimpered, glancing down at the blood that had dripped onto his shirt. It contrasted greatly from the bright blue button up he was wearing. He always wore blue, and very rarely ever wore red. Besides Matteusz, none of the others had actually seen Charlie in red. He had red pajamas but that was it. Ram only glanced at the shirt briefly before abruptly turning his head away. His stomach churned at the sight of it and suddenly Ram had a strong urge to throw up, so he didn’t look at it. There was quite a lot, and neither of the young men was exactly thrilled to deal with it. 

The boy’s locker room was dimly lit and extremely tinted with blue, only making Charlie and Ram’s shirts even bluer than before. Why was everything at Coal Hill always blue? “Why is it so dark in here?” Charlie asked him. Ram dropped his hand off Charlie’s arm. He didn’t really want to look at Charlie because of the blood but he did for one second, noticing that innocent look in eye. It was one of wonderment - a curiosity. Ram thought that the question was ridiculous but he wasn’t going to not answer it. He wasn’t going to ridicule Charlie either. The room was unnecessarily dark and Ram wondered the same thing. 

He shrugged his shoulders, “It’s never light in here.” He strolled across the room to where the sinks were and Charlie followed closely behind. Charlie stood outside of one of the stalls and watched as Ram tugged out some pieces of toilet paper. He handed a strip to Charlie, “Roll it up.” Ram started to roll on tiny strip up and Charlie did the same. “Can you put them up in your nose?” Ram asked him and Charlie nodded. Matteusz told him to do the same thing when they came back from detention. 

He took the rolled up stick from Ram and placed himself in front of a mirror. He looked horrible. The bags under his eyes appeared even worse under this florescent lighting. It made him look paler as well. He might as well be sick he looked so terrible. It certainly didn’t help that he was _covered_ in blood. It stained his face, his hands, and his shirt. He felt sick at the sight. Whoozy. It was as if the blood of his people, of the Shadowkin, of April, made itself visible to him. It was like his nightmare, the one where he drowns in blood. Charlie stood there completely fazed out, terrified and relieved that maybe this was the end. Maybe the dream was a sign. Perhaps today was the day Charlie drowned in his guilt. 

“Mate, you okay?” Ram asked him, forcefully pulling him back into reality. Charlie looked like he was a dead person walking. His skin was pale and sickly looking under the lighting and the blood was messy. Charlie glanced back at him for one second, blue eyes wide with shock. He looked like a dead man walking. Charlie subtly nodded in response to his question and returned to staring at the mirror. Ram looked away and stared at the blue tile on the wall in front of him, wanting to avoid the blood on Charlie. 

“How was the dance?” Charlie asked him, making conversation. The tension in the air was awkward and uncomfortable. Ram wanted to run out of the locker-room to escape that atmosphere. It was almost unbearable. Charlie wanted to do the same. He didn’t understand why Ram was in here with him anyway. Charlie could’ve taken care of his nose on his own. Maybe Ram was just being polite. There a couple reasons Charlie could think of as to why Ram was helping him. They were just guesses, nothing factual. He would like to think that Ram was helping him because they were friends, but he knew that wasn’t why. They grew apart and for good reason as well. Charlie thought that Ram was being polite because he figured that Ram hated him. As discussed previously, Charlie _wanted_ Ram to hate him that was why he was convinced that Ram was simply being polite. 

Ram wasn’t being polite or nice by doing this. He just did it, without really thinking. He saw Charlie hurt and went to help him. It didn’t exactly make complete sense to Ram. None of it did. For the longest time, Ram thought that he would be fine without any of those dorks in his life. He kind of convinced himself that he didn't need them. He thought he would be fine without any of them. Then things happened and suddenly Ram needed all of them. He fell in love with April and he made friends. They were his friends even though Ram didn't call them that. In truth, Ram needed them as much as they needed him. Here was the thing, Charlie was the weird one that Ram thought he wouldn’t miss if he left his life. He thought that until it happened, then suddenly everything seemed off. It seemed weird and strange, like he was missing something. Ram cared for Charlie. He was his friend. Helping Charlie was an act of kindness, yes, but it was also a boy helping out his friend. 

“It was fun,” Ram answered the question, nodding his head. "The food was good, so was the music. There weren’t as many people there,” Ram added, thinking back to prom. A little smile grew on both of their faces at the statement. Neither was surprised by that outcome and it made Ram’s statement amusing. “None of us really danced. We just kinda sat over at the tables at ate.” Ram paused for a moment, unsure of what to talk to Charlie about. He didn’t know how into detail he was supposed to go into. The dance was fine. The Shadowkin ruined any chance of them having regular dance. They would never be comfortable at a dance. They were worried and on edge about if something was going to come out of the crack. They were able to stay in the same room without getting sick but all of them wished that the dance were somewhere else. “April told me why you couldn’t go. Sorry, mate.” 

“It’s fine,” Charlie said, shrugging his shoulders. Charlie wasn’t overly upset by the fact that he missed the dance. He wasn’t asked and he had no one _to_ ask to go with him, and if he did go he would’ve felt like he was interrupting someone’s date. It was probably the better option to have stayed back at the flat. If they had fun at the dance then great! That was exactly what Charlie wanted his old friends to do. He wanted them to have a good, fun night out, but that same want didn’t exactly apply to him. Maybe he would’ve had fun, maybe he wouldn’t have. In the end, it didn’t matter. Charlie was unable to go and if he allowed he wouldn’t have gone anyway. Charlie was okay with how things turned out. He didn’t regret not going. He had a fine night. He did his homework for the weekend, he played around with Andrea, and he watched the first Harry Potter movie. “I saw your pictures on Instagram. You both looked very nice.” Charlie turned to Ram and smiled at him. He looked back at his reflection in the mirror to find that most of the blood had wiped off. “Tanya and Matteusz looked good as well.” 

“Yeah, they did,” Ram agreed, nodding his head. Charlie turned around to show that his face was clean but Ram still winced at the bruise that was beginning to show up on his nose. “You’re gonna need to put some ice on that,” He informed Charlie. “I’m sure the nurse is still around. Do you know where her office is?” Ram asked him. Charlie stared down at the ground and shook his head side to side. He looked embarrassed and all Ram said was, “Let’s go.” 

“You don’t have to go with me,” Charlie argued. While he appreciated Ram’s gesture, he didn’t want to make him feel like he was obligated to help out Charlie because he was injured. Ram was nice. He was way kinder than he let on. He wanted everyone to think that he was this kind of asshole-y jock when really he had a heart of gold. If Ram didn’t want to help Charlie and wanted to play football, then Charlie wanted him to do it. He didn’t want Ram to help him out of kindness. It was nice but he didn’t need to do it. Charlie wasn’t worthy of his kindness either. 

“Nah, it’s fine,” Ram ensured him, patting the back of his shoulder. 

“Really, you don’t have to,” Charlie reminded him once more. 

“Charlie, I said it’s fine,” Ram gritted through his teeth, rolling his eyes, but making sure that Charlie didn’t see him. Charlie was quite stubborn at times. It usually showed up when Charlie believed or saw things differently from others. Silence fell between the two and they stood still in the room. Ram would’ve moved if Charlie did but the alien boy stood there like he had more to say. If he asked the same question again, Ram might just drag him out of the room. Their eyes weren’t meeting. Their eyes would flicker over to one another every few seconds but they wouldn’t meet. 

Charlie opened his mouth but it fell shut. He was hesitating. Charlie opened his mouth once more and asked, “Are you doing this because of April?” Charlie’s eyes met Ram’s. There was something there, something that Ram had never seen before. Charlie seemed tinier than he was a second ago and that was ridiculous because the two boys were the same height. There was uncertainty and sadness, like Charlie was upset by the idea of the question and he growing worried by whether or not it was right to ask the question. He was nervous and upset. His fingers were flinching at his sides as if he was itching to run away from the question. He was nervous about Ram’s reaction and if Charlie actually wanted to hear the answer to it. 

“No,” Ram answered, with a confused looking expression on his face. There was a bit of confusion in response to the question. It wasn’t exactly what Ram was expecting to come out of Charlie’s mouth. He didn’t know what he was expecting. Charlie’s eyes glanced around the room. His eyes were glassy and watery and he was looking around the room like he didn’t quite believe Ram’s answer. Saying that Ram wasn’t a little hurt would’ve been a lie. Did Charlie think that he cared for him so little? Or did he just think so little of Ram? His answer was the truth. He was helping Charlie because he was his friend. They were so distant that Ram wasn’t sure that ‘friend’ was the right word for their relationship but he still cared for Charlie and he missed him. 

"Then why are you helping me?" Charlie asked next, shrugging his shoulders. As stated earlier, Charlie believed that everyone hated him. He thought that for many reasons. With some people, it was because of how awkward and weird he was. For his friends, it was because of the affects his actions held. People _died_ because of him. He _killed_ people. He was responsible for countless of deaths. In the end, Charlie believed that to be why his old friends would have hated him. There was also the fact that Charlie couldn't forgive himself. He hated himself and believed that everyone else should hate him as well. Ram's answer was unfathomable to him for those two reasons, and there was also the fact that they hadn't spoken in months. That was expected, of course. So much happened that it was natural to grow apart. But after months of not speaking, here they were, in a locker room, awkward and a little hurt, and trying to make conversation. Why else would Ram suddenly do this if it weren't for April? 

But Ram's answer was the truth. The entire truth was that Ram had no idea what to do. He wanted to help Charlie. He had wanted to speak to him for weeks, but he never knew how. None of them did. How do you repair a relationship that has been damaged that much? Ram didn't know how to do it and neither did Charlie. Ram wanted to fix it but he didn't know how. He didn't know when it was a good time to speak with Charlie. The timing never felt right, although the timing will probably never be right. The when, where, and how never felt right. The idea of planning it felt awkward and forced. Then suddenly it happened. There Charlie was on the football field, hurt and bloody and his instincts kicked in and he helped him. His mind screamed at him to help his friend. It happened naturally and almost unknowingly. They had grown so used to helping one another that it was a habit. Without even thinking, Ram helped him and here they are talking. 

Ram let his eyes shut and sighed deeply. "Let's get you to the infirmary," Ram said, wanting to walk Charlie there. He turned him around and they left the locker room. The walked side by side in silence, elbows occasionally bumping into one another. Charlie was holding his bruised and swelling nose. He was breathing heavily and constantly blinking, hoping that it would make the burning sensation fade away. He was feeling more overwhelmed by every passing second. The pain – both emotional and physical – hurt so much. “I meant what I said, Charlie,” Ram reassured him. Charlie still didn’t believe him but he nodded anyway and Ram knew it. He sighed again, knowing full well that he was going to have to confess. “April hasn’t gotten me to do anything, okay? I’m helping you because I want to.” 

Charlie nodded his head again. “Do you _really_ think I hate you?” Ram asked him. Charlie was silent and that give him his answer. “I don’t,” He argued, trying to make sure that Charlie got it through his head that he didn’t. He was still silent. “I actually like you.” He looked back at Charlie who was still focused on the ground. “I was a bit angry, yeah, I’m probably still a bit angry, but I don’t hate you. None of us do.” Charlie nodded his head and Ram’s heart sank. He stopped Charlie by placing a hand on his shoulder. Charlie wouldn’t look at him but Ram saw the tear stains on his face. Him and Charlie have never hugged before, but there’s a first time for everything. 

On that day, after months of barely speaking, Charlie was hurt. He was hit in the face by a football. Without even thinking, Ram Singh, an old friend, went over to help him. He helped in more ways than one. He aided him and he comforted him. April had told Charlie that the others didn’t hate him but it was different from hearing it from the actual person. He wasn’t quite sure if he believed Ram, but his words brought something out of Charlie. It changed something. While the two still had much to discuss and work out, this was the beginning of progress. It was the first step in a _long_ journey of recovery. They just needed to make sure that they both still worked at it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEEDBACK PLEASE! 
> 
> Also Tanya's pov should be next chapter.


	6. Does Harry Potter bring people together? The Answer Is Yes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tanya's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait to post this but after hearing the news about Patrick, I decided to post this to lighten the mood.

Tanya entered the store, wincing when the bell at the top rang. It didn’t matter what store it was Tanya always hated bells. She always had the feeling that people were watching her when she came in. Everyone glanced in her direction but only for a moment then they returned to looking at the merchandise. She left the doorway and walked further into the room. She has always liked this store. It was where she bought all of the posters in her room. It had nearly everything she wanted and more. She understood many of the posters, comics, and shirts. The store was small like a Hot Topic store in a small mall. She’s been to one of those before. They’re usually loud, crowded, and sometimes out of stock of the item she desired. She preferred other places. 

She stopped in her place when she noticed a familiar head peeking over a shelf. She stood still as she observed what Charlie was doing from a far. Her face squinted up in confusion as she realized that Charlie was flipping through the framed posters that hung up on the wall. She quickly realized that she probably should’ve made that confused face the second she saw Charlie in the store. To be honest, he wasn’t exactly the best when it came to pop culture. As far as Tanya could recall, Charlie had only watched a few movies and a couple TV shows that they recommended to him. He was probably searching for merchandise from one of those few things but Charlie never showed any interest and buying any of that stuff. He never seemed to quite understand why people would buy it. 

She took a few steps closer, trying to see what he was looking at. There was nothing in particular at the moment. He was just searching, maybe for something he’s seen before? She took a deep breath, letting her eyes flutter shut. She knew she needed to talk to him. She couldn’t go forever without talking to him. With her eyes closed, she stepped forward. _You don’t have to instantly become friends with him_ , she reminded herself. She had the right to be angry. These things take time. Their relationship needed to develop again; they didn’t need to rush into things. From what she heard from Ram the other day, he was going through a tough time; they were all going through a rough time. Be truthful, don’t hold anything back, but don’t be brutal. Both sides were hurting. 

“Hi,” She said, standing next to Charlie. He jumped besides her, clearly not expecting to see her. 

“Hi,’ He responded. His head was constantly looking from her to the posters like he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. They both exchanged small, awkward smiles. 

“What are you doing here?” She asked. 

Charlie breathed in deeply, chest rising significantly, and then it fell all at once. His hands went behind his back; the fingers of his right hand gripped his left wrist, keeping his arms from falling forward. His eyes stared straight ahead at the posters but he didn’t touch them. “I wanted to change my room,” He answered. “I know that you have posters on your walls so I thought maybe that was a good way to decorate it.” 

“Why do you want to decorate it?” Tanya asked another question. She's been inside Charlie's room. It was rather fancy. It never seemed like the room of a teenager, more like the room of an adult. It had pointless pretty objects on shelves. They held no purpose but to sit there day after day and gather dust. The room had color palettes. One of the walls was a window that led outside to the balcony. It felt cold and blue when she was in the room, like it was too big for it's own good.  

Charlie shrugged his shoulders. “It feels empty,” He answered, tearing his eyes away from the posters to look at Tanya. They stared at each other for a moment. Charlie’s eyes flickered down and his head slowly turned away again. Charlie’s room was _filled_ with objects, none of which held any real meaning to him. He got them purely for the sake of buying something. He thought the pieces were beautiful and interesting. They were completely useless but it added something to his room. What really filled it up was the Cabinet, but that was gone now. It was given away to the Doctor in the hopes that he could destroy it. Charlie hasn’t heard any news on that. It was gone and Charlie never wanted to back, but that was the only thing in his room that had value. It was the only piece that meant something to him. Now everything seemed more useless than before. They were empty objects that were purchased to fill up an empty room; he shouldn’t have been surprised that outcome remained empty. 

He knew in his heart that he would never find anything that held such meaning to him ever again but he figured that he could find something that he liked. He liked Harry Potter. He enjoyed the story it told and the characters it had. He liked it enough and the novels/films meant more to him than any piece in his room. He thought that it was worth a try. 

He considered hanging up some pictures but he hasn’t decided yet. He most _definitely_ was not going to frame a picture of himself. He was putting pictures of him in a separate box as well. He might as well be organized. But whom would he hang up pictures of? He debated in his head whether or not he should hang up the pictures of Andrea, but he might just end up giving them to Quill. He loved Andrea, he really did, but she wasn’t his child. She was the daughter of his enemy. He couldn't be a guardian even if he wanted too. That was just how things were between him and Quill. He dreamt that one day he would be able to leave this place. Him and Quill would go their separate ways. They would remember one another in the back of their minds; comforted by the fact that both were alive, but relieved that they were no longer together. He liked that thought but it was only a dream. 

He had pictures of him with all his old friends but he wasn’t quite sure where some of those relationships stood. The only person he was certain he could hang a picture of was April, which he might just do, but he wanted to give her a few pictures as well. 

“Do you know what any of these are?” Tanya hoped that was going to be her last question. While she had questions and wanted them answered, she did not want the _entire_ conversation to be spent on questions and answers, although maybe that was just the way to keep the conversation going. They were going to have to figure out how to do that. So far the majority of the posters appeared to be anime and Tanya didn’t think that Charlie was a fan of that stuff. She didn’t know if he even watched it. 

Charlie shook his head side to side. “I was searching for a Harry Potter poster,” He answered, hands reaching out to continue searching. “So far I haven’t found anything.” She joined in, fingers grasping at the frames of the posters and began to flip through them. The two stood there side by side, flipping through the hung up posters, trying their best not to accidentally elbow each other. She found herself liking quite a few and wanted to buy them, but she only had enough money for a couple of things so she wanted to make sure that she spent it wisely. She has been to this place before and she was sure that there were some Harry Potter posters around, so there was a chance that they just weren’t looking in the right place. 

“Wait,” Tanya abruptly stopped searching which left a very panicked and confused expression on Charlie’s face. She realized that she had one very important question that she hadn’t asked Charlie yet. “When did you watch Harry Potter?” She almost shouted in the shop. Charlie glanced around, face turning red and she drew attention to them. Tanya felt herself blushing as well. The two teenagers stared at the ground in embarrassment and waited for the attention to fade away. Slowly everyone looked away from the two teenagers and then their eyes hesitantly met. Charlie opened his mouth to answer the question but Tanya cut him off, “Wait, did you read the books?”

He nodded his head. “I read them a couple weeks ago. I finished the films last week.” He stood still, face completely stoic. He seemed nervous under her gaze like he was worried of the reaction she was going to have of this news. To be honest, Tanya didn’t know what to think of it. One part of her was excited. Charlie never understood any of the past references so it was cool that he was going to understand them now. Another part of her felt something strange. It border lined disappointment. It wasn’t disappointment that Charlie watched them – it was more along the line that Tanya never got to see his reaction. They all liked the idea of seeing Charlie’s reactions to certain projects. She felt like she missed something. She brushed it off; it wasn’t exactly the reaction she was expecting. 

It was similar to April’s reaction. The other boys in the group probably would’ve had the same reaction as well if they had known. April was going to tell the rest of the group but decided last minute not to. It was Charlie’s news to tell, not hers. She also knew that this would give them an opportunity to bond over something when the topic came up. 

“What did you think?!” Tanya exclaimed, but her voice wasn’t as loud as before. “Who was your favorite character? What house are you in?” She blurted out all at once. 

For some reason this felt like a big deal. For some reason, it _was_ a big deal. It meant something to Charlie. It meant more than the others knew. He hoped it would give him the ability to connect or bond over something. He was becoming more knowledgeable on how to be human, on how to act normal. He was excited that it was already working. Of course he hid that excitement behind a stoic face but he was excited. Tanya was excited as well. She never had the chance to talk to Charlie about some of these things and now she could. Here was their chance to get along. Here was a chance to start talking, even if it was over a book series. Talking about something silly is better than talking about nothing at all. This could be the beginning of developing a relationship again. Remember the word _beginning_. They all had a long way to go when it came to building a friendship up again. 

Charlie’s stoic expression broke as Tanya blurted out all those questions at once. His eyes grew wide as he felt bombarded with questions. Tanya saw the confusion and slightly frightened look and took in a breath. “What did you think of them?” She asked slowly. Her voice was lower than before. 

“The books or movies?” Charlie asked her in return. They turned their attention back to the posters and started to flip through them once more. 

“Both!” Tanya answered the question like it was obvious. 

“I enjoyed them,” Charlie answered, shrugging his shoulders. Tanya smiled and rolled her eyes at the vagueness of the response, but Charlie didn’t notice. She was hoping for a little more detailed answer.  

“You liked the books more than the movies though, right?” She assumed that he did but Tanya learned to stop making assumptions when it came to movie adaptations of books. She once met someone who thought the Percy Jackson movies were better than the books. 

“Of course,” Charlie said, shrugging his shoulders once again. Tanya let out a sigh of relief. Her and Charlie had little in common but they agreed on that. 

“What house are you in?” She questioned, glancing over at Charlie.

“I don’t know.” Charlie’s voice was quiet. Tanya made a mental note to herself to have Charlie take a Harry Potter quiz to find out. He was interesting and complex enough to probably fit into any house. Tanya’s hands paused when she found a Harry Potter poster. It was the cover of the movie _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone._ She patted Charlie’s arm and he looked over at it. “Oh,” Was all he said. He didn’t really react. He took the poster off and held out in front of him. "Thank you.” A small smile appeared on her old friend’s face. 

Tanya smiled and nodded her head. That was kind of the end of the conversation. They both gave one last nod and smile and then traveled in different directions throughout the shop. Tanya further into it to find what she was looking for, and Charlie up to the front where the check out was. It wasn’t a long time but they still spoke. For the first time in months, they had an actual conversation, and it centered on a topic that wasn’t about aliens. Once again, the two had a _long_ way to go. This was just the start. They weren’t instantly going to be friends again; they couldn’t do that until they worked out all the bad blood between them, but it was a step. 

Later that night while both were in their beds, neither was trying to sleep. Tanya sent a link to Charlie. When he pressed on it the title showed up ‘Find Your Hogwarts House.’ After answering a series of questions, Charlie got his results. He sent a response to Tanya that consisted of one word: Hufflepuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback please! I took a Harry Potter House quiz and I tried to answer as Charlie and he turned out Hufflepuff. Also I don't know when the next update will come.


	7. Do You Think We Will Ever Be Friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie calls for help. Literally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started by making this only a Charlie chapter only but then I wanted to get started on developing the Matteusz and Charlie friendship.

Every once in a while Charlie had a good day. It was rare and hardly ever happened, but it still occurred. But just like the good days, he had bad days as well. It was hard to tell what exactly made it a bad day. Sometimes it was because something happened. Sometimes it was nothing at all. There were some days that were just worse for no particular reason. Charlie would wake up in the morning feeling an anxious, almost sickening feeling in his stomach. It made him want to cry, vomit, and scream all at the same time, but he stayed quiet. He would sit in Quill’s classroom, on the edge of losing it, but he always kept it together. He stayed silent, sat still, and stared up ahead at the board in front of him. It was only staring, nothing actually registered in his mind. All of his focus was going towards keeping himself from breaking. 

In those moments, Charlie only wanted one thing. He wanted someone - someone he loved - to wrap him up in their arms and hold him while he cried. He wanted to rest his head on their chest, listen to their heartbeat, and let everything out. He wanted to cry into their shoulder and feel a comforting hand run up and down his back. He wanted someone to listen and comfort him. He wanted reassuring words to be spoken softly over his sobs. When Charlie had a bad day, the thing he wanted the least was to be lonely. He wanted his friends. He wanted Matteusz. The Polish boy knew how to take care of Charlie. He wanted all of them to help him, but the problem was that Charlie didn’t know how to ask. He would look at them, knowing full well that he could say something, and the words wouldn’t come out. He would be screaming for help but it was all inside his head. No one could hear him. So at the end of the day, Charlie would end up exactly how he didn’t want it to end, alone. 

By the end of the day, Charlie was in his bed, body aching for some form of contact, clueless as to what he should do. He laid on his side in the bed, legs bent but not curled up, and his hands were interlaced, hugging a pillow tightly to his chest. His old friends made it clear that they were there for him if he ever needed to talk, and Charlie wanted to talk, but it was night. What if it wasn’t a good time? What if they were asleep and Charlie woke them? The last thing he wanted to do was bother them. His chest felt heavy, restricted almost. He was taking in deep breaths, just like how Matteusz told him to. He squeezed his eyes shut, concentrating on breathing, keeping himself from going into an attack. He echoed Matteusz’s words; he let that be the only thought in his head. _“Breathe.”_

He continued, each breath became easier and easier as he continued. _Breathe._ For a second, it felt like he was going to be okay. He wasn’t. A loud sob tore out of his throat and he buried his head into his pillow, muffling his sobs. His body shook as he cried. It was the end of the day. Charlie was a boy who somehow made it though the day. He wondered if that was an accomplishment. It was the end of a long day and Charlie laid in his bed feeling lost, lonely, and broken. Charlie thought he was a monster. He had to be right? He killed people. He killed his friend. How was he not a monster? On these days, even though Charlie believed himself to be a monster, he desperately needed someone to tell him that he wasn’t. More than that, he just wanted to talk to someone. He _needed_ to talk to someone. Charlie’s mind began screaming at him as he reached for his phone. It was shouting at him not to do it - that everyone else was better off without him - that they all deserved better than someone like him - but he needed someone. He was stuck in his house with only his enemy to talk to. He needed someone else. Another line of words spoke in his head, _“But please let me know if you need anything.”_

Charlie continued to cry as he unlocked his phone. He went to his texts and scrolled through to find the person he wanted to talk to. He wiped his nose on the red sleeve of his pajama shirt. His hands were shaking as he typed the words, _“Are you awake?”_ Charlie tossed his phone aside once he had sent it. He whimpered as he cried and wrapped his arms around his body in an attempt to comfort himself. He was shaking; he was breaking. He felt sick. He felt ashamed. He felt lonely. He felt guilt and _regret_. His mind was becoming fuzzy and he wondered if he was losing it. He was crying so hard that he wondered if he was breathing at all. 

The phone lit up besides him and Charlie looked at the message on the screen. _“Yes.”_

Charlie unlocked his phone once again. He pressed on the symbol in the corner of the messages screen that looked like an ‘i’ in a circle, then he pressed on the phone symbol that was listed on the contact’s name. Charlie bit down on his lip as he held the phone up to his ear, trying to hide the fact that he was sobbing. He listened to the phone ring and he anxiously waited to hear a voice on the other line. 

Suddenly Charlie froze and wondered what the hell he was doing. He instantly hung up and threw his phone across his bed. He couldn’t talk. He was a mess. He didn’t know what to say. Charlie started to hyperventilate he was crying so hard. He curled his feet up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He could feel himself slipping away. The phone rang and Charlie jumped in his place. He reached for his phone, stomach twisting and wrenching as he did so. What was he going to say? Why did he do this in the first place? He closed his eyes and answered the phone. “Hello,” He answered, trying to keep his voice as strong as possible.

“Are you okay?” A thick Polish voice spoke on the other line. Charlie’s stomach sank at Matteusz’s words. Charlie recognized that he voice was thick with sleep. He had woken him up.  

“I’m so sorry,” He began to apologize profusely, shaking his head vigorously even thought Matteusz couldn’t see him. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m so sorry –“

“Charlie,” Matteusz cut him off. His voice was gentle and tired, but it wasn’t angry or irritated. “I was already awake. I had to use the restroom.” Charlie sank down in his bed, feeling some regret fade away with his words. He could hear breathing on the other line. Charlie always loved to listen to Matteusz breath back when they were dating. It reminded him that he was there, and it held the power to lull him to sleep. “Charlie,” Matteusz repeated his name. “Are you okay?” He asked again, voice much lower and softer. 

He started to shake his head again. “No,” He whispered, body beginning to shake again.

“What’s wrong?” Matteusz asked him. His voice was soft, so soft, and caring. Charlie didn’t deserve Matteusz. He didn’t deserve him in any way, lover or friend. But the issue with the question was exactly the problem with calling Matteusz. Charlie didn’t know what was wrong. He woke up like this. He woke up with his chest feeling heavy. He woke up that morning knowing full well that he was going to have to fight harder to get through the day. It all happened, and Charlie didn’t know why. 

“I don’t know,” He answered honestly. 

His throat was burning as he spoke. He was trying not to sob into the phone. He was trying to keep his voice under control. He could do it. He knew he could. He has done it before. He has done it all his life. He has given speeches while on the verge of breaking down. Why was he having trouble doing it now? It was because he was talking to the person who knew him best. Matteusz was the person that Charlie revealed the most information about himself to. He was the only one Charlie ever really opened up to. Matteusz was the only one who saw _Charlie_. Charlie has been vulnerable and open to Matteusz before. With Matteusz, Charlie sometimes tried to be a Prince. He often repressed emotions but he sometimes he confess these feeling to his ex-boyfriend. The same reaction Charlie had to opening up to Matteusz in their relationship was the same reaction he was having now. He was trying to be a Prince while opening up. 

“I don’t know,” He repeated again, voice quieter. He wrapped one arm around his knees, keeping himself close and warm. He had blankets but he didn’t want to be inside them. “Today was…rather difficult.” Charlie sniffed and wiped his nose again.

On the other side of the line, Matteusz laid in his bed. His eyes were shut but he wasn’t asleep. He knew what Charlie meant when he said that. He inhaled a shaky breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. It was late at night, or early in the morning, Matteusz didn’t know, but either way, the fact that he was sleepy in no way changed the fact that his heart broke. His heart felt heavy in his chest, as he thought about Charlie alone in his large room. The image wasn’t hard to depict in his mind. He has seen Charlie like that before. He knew that some days the grief of Charlie’s people consumed him, and on those days Matteusz was there to help him. Charlie needed to be comforted. He needed to be told that someone was there for him. Matteusz always did that. Now he had to figure out a way to do the same thing over the phone. 

There was some part of Matteusz that was glad Charlie called him. He wouldn’t want him to be alone. Matteusz couldn’t be there with him but at least he could keep him company over the phone. Charlie calling him was also a sign that he was accepting his help. That was a step forward. 

“I’m sorry, I just felt lonely,” Charlie continued to explain on the phone. Matteusz could hear his breathing. He heard the occasional hiccup make its way through the phone. Charlie was trying to hide that. He was biting down on his lip, trying to muffle to sounds of his hiccups. 

“Charlie, you don’t have to explain,” He reassured him softly. “It’s okay.” Those words were important. It didn’t mean that Charlie was okay or that he would feel better later, no one knew if they would ever be okay, but what Matteusz was telling is that calling him was perfectly okay. Charlie didn’t need a reason for it. If he wanted to call him so he felt less lonely then Matteusz would gladly pick up the phone. If Charlie simply felt himself slipping away, then Matteusz _wanted_ him to call. He wanted to help in any way he could. “Tell me what’s going on,” Matteusz said, urging Charlie to talk. His words didn’t have to make sense to Matteusz, it only had to Charlie, and he hoped that it would help him. 

It took a while for Charlie to start speaking. He stayed silent on the phone with Matteusz, working out the words he wanted to say to him. Charlie knew how he felt but he didn’t know how to say it. He always struggled with that part. Admitting his feelings. It was complicated and conflicting and Charlie didn’t know where to begin and how to say it. Matteusz didn’t care if Charlie’s words came out rushed and incomprehensible, he cared that he got it out, but he knew that Charlie liked to make sure that it made sense, so he waited in silence on the phone as Charlie tried to figure out how to explain it to him. But once Charlie got started, Matteusz listened. 

Charlie explained what he had been feeling throughout that day. He told Matteusz how he felt like he was going to be sick. He explained how his chest has felt restricted all day and he had to remind himself to breathe so he wouldn’t go into an attack. He told Matteusz almost everything that he felt that day. Everything except that he wished Matteusz was here with him, but he’ll take what he can get. The Polish boy was good company, even over a phone. He listened. He reminded Charlie that he didn’t need to apologize for calling him. He consistently reminded Charlie to never apologize for what he was feeling either. There was also the occasional reminder to keep breathing. Matteusz comforted him. 

After talking about everything, Charlie had pretty much cried himself out. He felt weak and exhausted and he wanted to go to sleep. His face was wet and snot ran down from his nose. He was now lying down in his bed. He was too hot to be under the covers. The blankets were kicked off the bed. His heart and back still felt heavy, he couldn’t tell if that was because of how he felt or because he was drowsy, either way, he got something off his chest. He was still upset but at least he didn’t feel like he was rotting away from the inside. The feeling of loneliness had dissipated some. Matteusz wasn’t there right beside him, but he was there, and his presence on a cell phone was still helping. He could hear the other boy’s breathing. He was tired as well.

“Matteusz,” He started, pausing to lick his lips. His voice was weak and quite. He heard him make a humming sound on the other side of the line that indicated that he was wondering about the rest of Charlie’s sentence. Charlie took in a deep breath. “Do you think we will ever be friends?” He asked. If Charlie weren’t so exhausted, he probably would’ve been crying as he asked the question. He missed Matteusz and he wanted him back in his life. He missed him more than he could ever say. 

“I certainly hope so,” He answered and Charlie breathed a large sigh of relief. 

“And Matteusz,” Charlie started again, instantly regretting it. He wanted to ask Matteusz one more thing but he decided against it. It was too late and Charlie was too tired to face the answer to his question. He probably already knew the answer. He wanted to ask if Matteusz - true or not - would tell him that he wasn’t a monster. He wouldn’t believe Matteusz, he never believed anybody, but it would be nice to hear him say it. He wanted to hear someone say it to him now. He didn’t want to ask Matteusz to lie. He knew that his ex-boyfriend didn’t know what to think of Charlie. They needed to be friends in order for Mattesuz to figure out where Charlie stood in his heart and mind. They weren’t friends yet; as of right now it was two people who used to be close helping each other out. It was nice but it didn’t mean they were friends. Not yet. 

“Yes?” Matteusz asked, once again trying to get Charlie to finish the question. 

Charlie shook his head even though no one could see it. “Nothing,” He said. “Thank you. For everything,” He added that last part. 

“No need to thank me,” Matteusz said. A small smile grew on his face. “See you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight,” Charlie said. He hasn’t said that to Matteusz in _months_. It brought back an old, familiar feeling. A feeling that Charlie knew he shouldn’t get used to. 

“Goodnight, Charlie,” Matteusz said. That was the first time in months that Matteusz had said that too. He closed his eyes at the sound of his voice like he was trying to memorize it. He never realized how much he missed the little things like that. Charlie wanted to say goodnight one more time, he wanted to hear Matteusz say it one more time, but he let the conversation end there. 

Then they hung up and both boys fell asleep in their beds, exhaustion consuming them. 

That next morning, while Charlie was switching out the books in his locker, Matteusz approached him. Charlie looked at him with a worried face as if Matteusz was the one who was upset the previous night. “Are you alright?” He asked Charlie, wanting to see him in person instead of hearing his voice over the phone. 

Charlie nodded his head. “Better than last night.” 

Matteusz nodded his head, feeling some relief with Charlie’s words. Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around Charlie’s shoulders and brought him in close. He hugged Charlie tightly, fingers clutching at his shirt like he would lose him if he let go. Charlie’s eyes were wide with shock and he glanced around at Matteusz to make sure that this was really happening. His hands hesitated by his sides, opening and closing, unsure of what to do. Charlie wanted to bury his face into Matt’s shoulder like he used to but he decided against it. Charlie breathed in deeply, letting his eyes close, and he slowly brought his hands up to Matteusz’s back. Matteusz squeezed his eyes shut as Charlie’s hands ran up his back. 

This was the first time they hugged since everything went down with the Cabinet. Despite that they were going to be breaking up weeks later because of everything that happened, Mattesuz still held him that night. The night that it happened was the last time they were this close. Both stood there in the hallway, holding onto each other desperately. Matteusz didn’t want to let go of Charlie. He missed him so much and after last night he was worried sick about him. He didn’t want to leave him and go to class. Charlie didn’t want to let go either. For a while, neither did. They stood in the hallway, and for a couple minutes or longer it felt like it only the two of them in the world. They didn’t think about anyone else. They were only thinking about holding onto to each other. Just for a little while longer. Just to keep each other safe and sound. That was all they wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEEDBACK PLEASE!
> 
> Also just a reminder that my updates are scattered and unknown.


	8. Does Every Chapter Title Need To Be In The Form Of A Question? Yes it does.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group talks about Charlie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Charlie is only present for the beginning of the chapter. I had this idea of having all of them talk about him but I never thought about going through with it until @Ellienerd14 had the same idea. Thank you so much for you help!

They had all noticed or seen something. Charlie called Matteusz, sobbing and breaking. Charlie broke down in front of Ram. He cried his eyes out when he first came face to face with April. He fell to his knees in front of her and wrapped his arms around her waist, apologizing profusely. She had known longer than the rest of them.  Tanya didn’t have such confirmation like the rest of the group. When she talked to Charlie, it was a light conversation. Nothing was really said that triggered alarms in her head to go off, but she noticed something that raised her interest. She saw it in Charlie’s face, the way he said his room was empty. There was something off. She couldn’t pinpoint what it was but she _felt_ it. There was something wrong with Charlie. They had all finally reached the same conclusion. He wasn’t as well as they had all believed him to be. 

The five students were sitting in Ram’s car. They had just defeated another alien and Ram was driving them all home. The car was silent besides the music that was played from Ram’s iPhone. “What made you decide to read Harry Potter?” Tanya asked Charlie. He was staring out the window, watching the lampposts past by. 

“What?!” Both Ram and Matteusz exclaimed at once. “When did you read Harry Potter?” They asked at the same time. Charlie glanced between the two other boys. 

“A few weeks ago,” He answered. Matteusz and Ram had the same feeling in their gut that Tanya and April had. It was excitement accompanied by disappointment. They never really got to see Charlie’s reactions to anything. They hadn’t been talking but there was something in their mind that made the three students believe that they would’ve known when Charlie had read them. The friendship between Charlie and April had remained, but even she didn’t know that Charlie was reading them until he told her. It was a funny thing to keep secret. April wondered why Charlie kept that fact to himself. Charlie stared down at his lap as he figured out his response. “Well, you all spoke of it so fondly, and it seems to be exceedingly popular among humans, and since I need to be more human, I figured that was a good place to start.” 

_Need to be more human._ Charlie was an odd one, he certainly was, but that made him Charlie. He looked human. Humans are often awkward so it wasn’t completely uncommon to come by an awkward person. What did that phrase mean? If Charlie meant that he wanted to expand his horizons and understand more about pop culture then they would tell him to go right ahead. Charlie needed to understand some of that himself. _Need to be more human._ What did that mean? For some reason, his words sat like that in all of them. It felt like it didn’t mean what they thought it meant. 

_Need to be more human, t_ hat was a phrase to be somewhat alarmed by. Charlie wanted to learn more about pop culture, that was a good thing and that was one part of that phrase, the other side of his words meant that he wanted to stop being the clueless, awkward, weird one who asked stupid questions all the time. That was Charlie’s own thought that his mind had come to develop. He was well aware that it echoed Tanya’s words from their time in detention, but that happened to be a coincidence. Tanya had apologized to him in the classroom for what she had said and he had forgiven her. There was no anger there regarding that statement. Charlie just knew that everyone else thought that of him, and he thought that of himself as well. There weren’t any humans that were as weird as he was. He didn’t want to be him anymore. He wanted to be like his humans friends who were far cooler than he was. He wanted to be like other humans in general. He didn’t fit in. He stuck out and Quill knew it as well. He wanted to be a normal human being that fit in with everyone else. 

Before any of them had the courage to ask, Charlie asked, “Matteusz, do you have any copies of the Narnia books?” Matteusz shook his head side to side. He did have copies but they were back with his parents. The books were theirs now. He wished he still had them. Charlie his nodded his head. He will buy them on kindle, he decided. 

Charlie was the first to be dropped off. His place was the closest. He unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door. Before he shut it, everyone said goodbye to him. He said goodbye as well, then he sat the door behind him and headed into the flat. 

In the car, Tanya unbuckled her seat belt and moved into Charlie’s seat. They watched Charlie walk until he entered the house. She turned to look at Matteusz who was still looking at the house. There was something in his expression. It was subtle and small but Tanya could see that he was worried. His eyes were wider than usual and his mouth barely hung open. Their eyes met and both knew in that moment that they were thinking the same thing. To prove it, the roommates opened their mouth and said, “I’m worried about Charlie!” 

Ram and April turned around to face them from the front seat. They gave each other a weird side eye, which was probably because Tanya and Matteusz were super in-sync for a moment. Or it was because they were thinking the exact same thing? Their strange side eye slowly faded and then April and Ram turned to look at them. The expressions on their faces gave away that they were just as worried as they were. “Same here,” The couple admitted at the same time. Ram turned back to the steering wheel and kept driving. It probably wasn’t best to have this conversation in the front of the house of their old friend. 

“Did something happen?” April looked back at them. April knew the entire time, she had been with Charlie and she has _seen_ what he was doing to himself. She knew but she didn’t tell anyone. She wanted to tell someone, more than anything she did, but it wasn’t her business to tell. April could put them all in a room and hope that something would happen but she couldn’t make anyone do anything. If the friendships between the gang and Charlie were going to rebuild then they needed to it on their own. They needed to be built up naturally. April wasn’t going to push them together and force them up, no, they needed to reconcile on their own, and with that they will find out about Charlie. April was well aware that she shouldn’t meddle when it came to that. She also knew that when the process began, Charlie would think that April had put them up to it, and she couldn’t have that be true. From what Ram told her, he did think that. She needed everyone to _want_ to reach out to Charlie. The relationship would be useless if it was forced. If forced then it would be unwelcomed and unwanted. 

“Not exactly,” Tanya answered. Her nose scrunched up and her brows creased. She knew it sounded weird and confusing. She shifted around uncomfortably in her seat. “Something just felt off… I can’t really explain it. We talked and it was nice but, I don’t know, he didn’t seem the same.” April’s eyes stare down and she nodded her head. It was like a sad, but knowing nod, like she unfortunately knew that Tanya was going to say something like that. Her eyes slowly drifted over to Matteusz. She didn’t repeat the question; she just waited in silence for Matteusz to answer the same question. 

He nodded his head. “Charlie called me the other night,” He mumbled slowly. Ram’s eyes met his in the overhead mirror. His eyes narrowed. His lips were somewhat pursed. This created a serious, but sad expression. He stared ahead at the road and listened to Matteusz tell the story. Matteusz was vague with the details. Like April, he didn’t want to tell what wasn’t his to say. He explained but he didn’t describe. He didn’t quote what Charlie admitted to him that night, but he gave an _extremely_ brief and vague summary. He told the time, the state he was in, details such as those two. They were tiny details but some weren’t necessary to the story. In the end, all he had to say was, “He wasn’t okay.” 

Then it was Ram’s turn. He glanced to April for a second. She knew what happened. He told her soon after it happened. He called her that night, eyes watering and chest heavy. He didn’t know how to explain what happened.  He was helping Charlie with his bloody nose, then they were making small talk, then suddenly Ram was holding onto Charlie as the other boy cried into his shoulder, and then Ram found himself crying as well. Outside of the small talk they had, Charlie didn’t say much to Ram. There was only one thing that was said that held any bearing and Ram was the one who said it. _Do you really think I hate you?_ That was what he said. Charlie didn’t respond with words. His reaction gave Ram his answer. The only thing Ram knew to say was, “Charlie thinks we hate him.” 

“Or he thinks we should hate him,” April added. That last part applied to all of them, but it held more bearing towards April. She forgave him. Yes, it hurt to see her best friend to pull the trigger on her, but it had to be done. She understood that and Charlie knew that as well. He knew that it had come to that and he had to do it. Just because they both knew they had to do it, didn’t mean that it didn’t affect them. April was dealing with some anger and Charlie was coping with the guilt. It was a necessity where they both carried something away from it. Nevertheless, April forgave him, but Charlie didn’t forgive himself. She knew that. Charlie didn’t agree with the idea of being forgiven. He was letting the guilt eat him alive. It was like he didn’t want to be forgiven. 

The car fell silent. Music wasn’t playing anymore. “What do we do?” Tanya spoke up from the back, breaking the silence. 

“There isn’t really anything we _can_ do,” April said. That was true when it came to Charlie’s mental well-being. Tanya was referring to how they get Charlie to believe that they didn’t hate him. Even then it was still true. Being friends with Charlie was optional, but it seemed that everyone was willing to work at their relationships. That was good. No one was putting another up to anything. That way Charlie knew that someone actually wanted to be friends with him, that someone didn’t have some sort of obligation to like Charlie. He never wanted that again. There was still the fact that Charlie firmly believed that they should hate him for not using the Cabinet earlier. They could love him and they would consider him their friend but Charlie might always try a way to isolate himself because he thinks that he deserves it. He would want to push them away even though he wanted nothing more than for them to be in his life again. They would be there but they couldn’t change the fact that Charlie didn’t think that they _should_ be there. But just because Charlie thought that, didn’t mean that they weren’t going to try to change it anyway. It wasn’t going to stop them from loving their friend. That was exactly what April told the rest of them. She told them that if they wanted to be there for him then they should. They should love and help him and try to get it through his head that they wanted to be his friends, but only if they were ready and only if they wanted to. 

They could be friends with Charlie, they could love and support him, but that was all they could do. Charlie was depressed; no amount of love was going to change that.  Nevertheless, being friends with Charlie might help him, especially since he will have support, but it won’t change the state of his mind. Love can’t heal someone and it can’t make them happy, despite the popular belief. Charlie’s depression was something that only _Charlie_ could work on. He was the one who made the decision to seek out professional help. They could give their opinions, thoughts, and support, but in the end it was Charlie who had to do everything. That needs to be clear. 

They came up with ideas, ways to have all of them together. First, they needed to repair the relationships that the Shadowkin had destroyed. They needed to be the great Bunghole Group again. They all _wanted_ to be friends again. They were going to start sitting together for lunch. That sounded like a nice start. They had been meaning to do that for a while. Secondly, of course, talk to Charlie one on one. There were feelings to be addressed that definitely weren’t meant for lunch. Another idea was to simply hang out with him. Any place and any time. Have it be like the good old days when they went over to someone’s house to watch shitty tv. It was simple things like that. Hopefully this would repair friendships and it would let Charlie know that they wanted to be friends with him. 

To continue with the metaphor from chapters ago, Charlie was lost in a dark cave without a flashlight. He couldn’t find his way out. Now four students from Coal Hill were going to throw in a flashlight in the hopes that he would accept it and find his way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KEEP THE FEEDBACK COMING! When I say feedback I mean I either want love or constructive criticism. Thank you! 
> 
> Just a reminder that updates will still be scattered.


	9. Do You Want These Pictures That I Have Been Talking About For This Entire Fic?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to reminisce.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I will on vacation for the next week so I will not be able to write much so the next update might take awhile. Also there are pictures in this chapter!

The five children all walked down the street like stiff stick figures. All five of them were thanking their lucky stars that no one else was out. They have fought many monsters in the past but none of them were as disgusting at this one. The five children were drenched in slime. Their clothes were sticking to the skin. They were shivering in the cold night. The chances were high that at least one of them was going to go to school with a cold. They were walking with their arms out. If they put their hands to their slides then there was a chance that more slime was going to be squeezed out of their sleeves. It smelled. None of them could stand it. Charlie’s place was only a few minutes away. They couldn’t get in Ram’s car because who knows what kind of mess they would make. None of them knew exactly what they were going to do at Charlie’s place, but they certainly weren’t going to walk to their own houses. Especially looking like this. 

The walk was silent because all of the children were too busy chattering their teeth. They couldn’t help it. The second the flat came into sight, the children almost sprinted to the front door. Slime flew off of them as they ran on the sidewalk, creating a disgusting, slushy sound. Charlie picked his key out and unlocked the front door. All five of them stumbled in, wanting to be anywhere but outside. Miss Quill looked over at them and smiled at the slime-y children. The room was silent as they stared at one another. The only sound that was heard was the sound of slime dropping onto the floor. 

The five children cringed at the sound and even Quill frowned at it as well. “Go outside,” She pointed to the backyard. 

They all groaned, dreading the cold that waited for them outside, but they all hurried along anyway. They stood in the grass and waited for Quill to be ready. She got the hose that had a nozzle on the top. “Ladies, get behind me,” She told April and Tanya. They all exchanged glances but the two girls went and stood behind Quill. “Strip,” She told Ram, Charlie, and Matteusz. The three boys gave her an incredulous expression. “What? I can’t that gunk off of you if you’re wearing your clothes. April, Tanya, you might want to get towels,” She informed them. Now it was the boy’s turn to exchange glances. The three boys begrudgingly removed their clothes until they were all standing in their underwear. 

“Where-“ April started but Charlie cut her off. 

“Upstairs bathroom,” Charlie answered. 

The second they went inside the house Quill squeezed on the handle of the nozzle. They all shouted as the cold water hit their skin. They all attempted to cover their bodies by reaching out their hands to somehow block the water. Obviously, they failed to stop the freezing water from hitting them harshly. The pressure of the water was vicious and unmerciful, or maybe, Charlie thought, that was just Quill. And there was a high chance that he was right since she was smirking as the three boys jumped and yelped in the yard. She slipped her finger off of the handle to get a good look at them. They were fairly clean off it all; some still glistened in their hair. Ram, Matteusz, and Charlie, stood in the middle of the yard shivering, arms crossed and hand stuffed into their armpits, and their thighs were closed together. Yep. They were definitely going to be sick over the weekend. 

“You’re fine,” She shouted at them. They took off towards the door but before Charlie had a chance to move, she squeezed down hard on the handle, spraying the Prince with pressured, cold water. He yelled once again and tried to jump further out of her reach. She laughed on the other side of the hose. She glanced over to her side to find the obnoxious ex-boyfriend of the Prince scorning her. She rolled her eyes and slowly – _very slowly_ – took her finger off the handle. The second she did the Prince scurried inside and she chuckled to herself as she watched him flail around the room. April and Tanya handed the boys towels and kept their own to take outside. 

The two girls went outside, their skin tingled with fear at the reaction of the three boys. They braced themselves for cold water. They tossed their towels onto the pavement that reached out a few feet before meeting the ground. “Is there slime underneath their clothes?” Miss Quill asked, walking towards them. She liked the two ladies more than she did the boys, that’s why she asked. April and Tanya looked at each other for a moment before looking inside their shirts. Both winced at the sight of goo running down their stomachs. They nodded their heads. “Strip down to your underwear.” 

The two girls complied with the request. They stripped down to their bra and underwear and tossed their clothes into the pile of the boy’s clothes. They went out into the grass, hands interlaced at their fronts, keeping their arms close to their bodies. “Ready?” Miss Quill asked. April and Tanya nodded, teeth chattering ferociously. Andra’ath pulled down handle and sprayed the two girls. They both screamed as they were hit with freezing water and jumped back just as the boys did. Quill moved the hose back and forth between the two girls and each time it hit them they flinched. She liked the girls more than the boys but she still laughed to herself as she saw them jumping around in the yard. 

While this was going on, the three boys ran upstairs, water dripping off of their bodies. They were all heading towards the bathroom, desperate to drench themselves into some warm water. They hurried into Charlie’s bathroom, slamming the door behind him. Charlie turned the water on in the shower and waited for it to warm up. “Who’s going in first?” Ram asked, teeth chattering as he spoke. The three exchanged glances before lunging towards the shower. It was like that scene in the Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince movie when Harry and Ron are side by side in the archway of the closet, both fighting over the last new potion book. Quite an amusing scene and that was exactly what the three boys looked like. Matteusz was the one who was able to slip through the shower, which caused Ram and Charlie to stumble in. 

The three of them stood awkwardly under the showerhead and looked at one another. “Seriously?!” Ram exclaimed at Charlie and Matteusz. Neither of them moved and neither did Ram. Matteusz smirked at them as he stood underneath the water and Charlie and Ram glared daggers at him. Charlie has never hated Matteusz, even when they broke up (although he did tell Matteusz that he hated him sometimes because he kept him from using the Cabinet), but he hated him now as took up all the hot water. Him and Ram stood in opposite corners of the small shower as Matteusz stood underneath the showerhead. Or at least, he was _trying_ to stand underneath the water. He was a bit too tall so he had to dodge his head. Charlie almost smiled at the familiar sight, but he didn’t. 

“You got some slime in your hair, mate,” Ram spoke up over the water. Matteusz bowed his head and ran his hands through his hair. Ram and Charlie both made faces of disgust as they watched chunks of slime plop out of his hair. 

After a couple minutes, and Matteusz had been completely drenched in warm water, Ram and Charlie rolled their eyes and started to gently push him towards the door. They didn’t actually push him, no, they didn’t want him to slip in the shower, so they just gently put some pressure on his shoulders so he would get the general idea. Matteusz laughed and gracefully left. Ram hurried into water and did an amusing maniacal laugh towards Charlie. He narrowed his eyes at Ram and waited in a corner for him to be done. The other boy instantly started to run his hands through his hair, pulling out strands of slime. Ram stuck his tongue out when he looked at it and Charlie winced. “Is it all out?” Ram asked, glancing up at Charlie. 

Charlie stepped forward and ran the tips of his fingers through Ram’s hair. His black hair hid some of the slime so he couldn’t see it well. “Yes,” He answered after inspecting his hair for a minute. 

“Thanks,” Ram said. “Let me get some out of your hair.” 

Charlie stepped forward and bowed his head. He felt Ram’s fingers comb through his hair, collecting chunks of the substance. He flung it onto the shower floor and Charlie watched as it drifted towards the drain. “You’re good,” Ram said and Charlie took a step away from him. After a minute, Ram left the shower, “All yours.” 

Charlie stood underneath the showerhead and shivered as the warm water ran down his body. He ran his hands over his arms, spreading the warm water over his body and making sure that Quill got all of the slime. His fingers combed through his hair, pushing his bangs back over his head, revealing his forehead. He grunted in disgust as he wiped back slime off his head. He scratched at his skin, ridding himself of the sticky feeling. Red, irritated streaks from his nails appeared on his skin. It was warm – so warm. He wanted to stay in it a little while longer. He probably would’ve if it weren’t for two girls who came screaming into the room just like boys did. 

“Get out, get out, get out!” The two girls screamed as they jumped outside of the shower. He stumbled out and the two girls rushed past him into the shower. “It was freezing!” Tanya yelled at them. They nodded their heads in agreement. 

“Ew!” April whispered to Tanya, goo dripping from her. It was slime that was collected from her hair. Tanya made a disgusting face as the two girls watched it drip into the shower drain. She waved her hand, trying to get it off of her hand and it flew off. She pushed it into the drain with her foot and gagged at the way it felt. “It’s disgusting,” She said and Tanya nodded her head in agreement. 

The two girls stood close in the shower, trying to somehow split the water that was pouring down on them. Obviously there wasn’t a simple way to split it so they kept going back and forth in the water. Showers needed bigger showerheads or they simply needed more nozzles. April and Tanya were fine with sharing but the problem was that they were _freezing_ and both desperately wanted to drench themselves in warm water for a solid ten minutes. Same went with the guys. 

Tanya gripped her braids in both hands and she too wanted to gag at the slime in it. She was grateful that the slime wasn’t acid or something dangerous but she wished it wasn’t so goddamn disgusting and she wished that the monster hadn’t drenched them all in this mess. She couldn’t clean her hair at her friend’s house because he didn't have the shampoo she needed so she was going to need to do it later once she got back home. Her eyes shut in exhaustion. Fighting off the alien was difficult and tiring. The second she got home she wanted to jump in her bed and go to sleep but now she couldn’t do that. It was going to be difficult to do as well. She sighed, dousing her face in water. 

The two girls showered for a few more minutes before deciding to get out. Charlie handed them towels and they wrapped it around themselves. The five of them stood awkwardly and quietly in the steamy, warm bathroom, water dripping down bodies, and breath loud as they all breathed in deeply and collected themselves. “That was…interesting,” Charlie said. A real, small smile grew on his face and it looked like he was almost about to laugh. They all smiled too. All of the teenagers experienced similar emotions. They didn’t laugh out loud, they smiled but they didn’t laugh, but on the inside they were. It was kinda funny and they knew that the story was going to grow funnier as more time passed. 

“What are we going to do?” Tanya asked. They all fell silent again, realizing that their clothes were wet and slimy and Ram’s car was still back at the school. 

“I’m going to go to change,” Charlie declared. “Then I can put your clothes in the washer?” He suggested they all nodded their heads. Charlie hurried out of the bathroom and waddled over to his bedroom. He quickly changed out of his wet boxers and into some dry clothes. Before leaving the room, he pushed all of the pillows out from his bed. 

He hurried throughout the house, trying not to keep his friends waiting. The clothes were still sitting outside. Charlie picked them up, wincing as goo dripped from them and he ran throughout the house to get to the washer. He picked out their phones from the pockets of jeans and jackets. None of them were in great condition. He dumped the clothes into the washer and started the machine. After that, he headed back upstairs to the bathroom.

“Here are your phones.” He winced as he showed them the devices. They all had another disgusting expression on their faces. They accepted the phones, leaving Charlie with his own, and they all tried to wipe the slime off their screens. 

“Are there any blankets?” Tanya asked. Both Charlie and Matteusz nodded. 

“They’re in my room,” He answered, pointing to the door. He went out of the bathroom, as did everyone else, and they followed him into the room. 

They all shivered as they stepped in. It had been some time since some of the children had been inside the room. It felt emptier, colder. Tanya understood why Charlie said that now. She couldn’t place her finger on it but there was something different. Something was moved or something was missing and it shifted the feeling of the room. Tanya did smile as she saw the poster hanging up on his wall. It was hanging on the only empty wall of the room. It was nice and out of place with the rest of the room. Charlie’s room was blue and decorated with strange objects, so a Harry Potter poster didn’t fit in with the rest of it, but it was definitely a nice touch. The room still had that shift though. All of them could feel it, but none of them knew what it was that was throwing them off. 

Matteusz slowly let his eyes drift over the room. Since he moved out, he hadn’t even been _near_ the house, much less Charlie’s room. The blinds were closed and the curtains were pulled to the sides. There wasn’t a trace of the night sky, which was something that he knew Charlie loved to see. The bed was plenty far from the window so the lights from outside wouldn’t be a bother. The room was blue and orange. It was blue with paint and objects but the light from the ceiling and desk gave it at orange tint, one that only appeared late at night. There were shoes, shirts, and pants thrown messily onto the floor. The covers on the bed were messy and undone and pillows were resting on the floor beside of it. Besides that last one, it was almost the same. Almost. There was something about the room that was different, and it wasn’t the new poster. It felt like something important, something Matteusz _should_ notice, but he couldn’t figure it out. The room was larger, as if something was taken out of it. The objects on the shelves were still in place so he could eliminate that guess. His star scape held high over Charlie’s bed. The lights were dark towards the back of the room, only allowing the stars to barely glimmer. No stars seemed to be shining this night. For some reason, Matteusz became oddly sad about that. 

It was strange to be in a room that was once his home. It was strange to be in room that was his home but now it didn’t feel like it at all. He felt sad to be standing in the room and he didn’t know why. Maybe – no, definitely – he missed it. He cherished the room and almost all the memories that came with it. There was a feeling of love in the room and now it seemed like there was hardly any feeling at all. It felt dark, cold, and distant, more like a cave or a cellar than a home. He had only sprinted through the house so he couldn’t make a statement for the rest of it. 

Charlie opened the door to his closet. There isn’t much inside it besides jackets that hung on hangers. They didn’t take up much space. At the top of the closet, sitting on a shelf, were piles of blankets. He had plenty of them, probably too many. He liked them all. They were warm and fuzzy and sometimes wore them around the house, but not all the time. He certainly didn’t wear one blanket. He should probably give it to him. He would probably put it to good use unlike Charlie. He grasped at the blankets; eyes drifting to the space beside them that were stuffed with boxes. They were the pictures. He moved them after he had sorted through all of them. They couldn’t fit into his drawer anymore. He pulled the blankets off first, then handed them to Ram who then proceeded to give them to everyone else. He turned back to the closet and took the boxes down.

“I have these pictures,” Charlie said, holding the boxes. “I thought you all of you might want them.” He handed them out to everyone individually. Everyone held their blankets close with one arm and accepted the box with the other. They all moved towards the front of the room, ready to open up the boxes. They sat in a circle on the floor, emptying out some of the pictures to see them. A part of Charlie was nervous and he didn’t really know why. Perhaps it was because he was worried about what these pictures might do. He had only briefly glanced at them before tossing them into a box where the next time they would see light would be in another home. He didn’t reminisce. Why would he? Charlie has put himself through a lot but he wasn’t going to put himself through that. He stood by the closet, unsure if he should join in. Were they going to talk or just look? 

His awkward standing didn’t go unnoticed. Tanya looked over her shoulder to find Charlie glancing back and forth between the door and the other teenagers. He looked unsure. He looked awkward and lonely, like he wanted to be included but he wasn’t sure he was welcomed. He was about to close the closet door when Tanya asked, “Don’t you have any of you?” Charlie nodded in response to her question. “Can we see them?” Charlie nodded again and Tanya scooted over on the floor to make room for him. He got his own box out of the closet and a sketchbook from his desk. He tossed them into the center with the rest of the boxes, but he didn’t open it. 

Tanya reached for the sketchbook first. She wanted to take a look through her own pictures but she wanted to see what was on these pages as well. She has never seen Charlie’s sketchbook but she has seen some of her pictures before. They were taken on happy days. Days where they thought they’d won. Inside the book were sketches of objects; hardly any of them were of Charlie. In fact, none of them were of Charlie. Perhaps he wasn’t fond of drawing himself. There were frays of pages wrapped around the spinal cord of the sketchbook, proof that pages had been ripped out. There was at least one sketch in everyone’s box. He had given them the images that he had drawn of them, but there were still many pages that had been torn out. There were more pages missing than there were packed in the boxes. No one knew that but Charlie. 

Others were peeking at the sketchbook while also trying to look at their own pictures. They were all looking except Matteusz. He was the only one who had seen the book. Since he wasn’t looking at it, he didn’t notice that pages were missing. Pages that he had seen before. Pictures that he loved. Images that he remembered deep in his mind. 

The illustrations were beautiful. Some were drawn in pen, others in pencil. There were drawings of the monsters they fought, all except the Shadowkin. There another sketch of the dragon, except this one was on an arm. The Coach’s arm. There was the stump of the Lankin on an unknown body. There was no face drawn on the paper, only a body that was connected to vines. There were petals that were colored in beautifully by pencils. She ran her hand over the page, feeling the page sink once she reached the petal. It was deeper, caused by the pressure of the pencils. After that, there was only one more thing that drawing that looked like it could be alien, and Tanya had no idea what it was. It was large, and it was red. It almost looked like a creature. A dead one. No one but Quill, Charlie, and Matteusz knew that it was the arn. No one knew that he had drawn it.

Six days. For six days Quill was asleep. For six days Matteusz was gone. For six days he was all alone, left with thoughts. Quill, Matteusz, and the arn consumed his every waking moment for those six days. He wondered, anticipated, and feared the moment that Quill would wake up. When would she wake up? What would she do when she wakes up? Would she finally have her revenge on him? Those questions haunted him and followed him everywhere. He wondered how she got the arn out of her head. He questioned the arn. He questioned her. He questioned his people. Without even thinking, he drew the arn on the paper. Confused, lonely, and scared, and filled with questions about the arn, he drew it. It was a dreadful six days that Charlie hadn’t spoken about with anyone. 

Charlie didn’t dwell on the question of his people. He knew he should. He was well aware that maybe he should question them more than he already had, but he was afraid. He had lost his home. He had lost everything. He knew Quill had too, but she had a fond memory of her people. She was secure in that. She knew who her people were and what they stood for. Charlie wished he could say the same. Charlie was shaken. Doubt has slipped into his mind and it was torturing him. After losing everything, after watching his people die, and after failing to bring them back to life, he didn’t want to face the facts. He had an image of his people. A good one, and he wanted to remember them that way. He realized that his people were probably different than what he originally thought, he knew that he should reevaluate his people, but how was going to live knowing that they weren’t the people that he thought they were? And what else was going to change once he realized that? 

The book wasn’t just filled with doodles and monsters, there were drawings of objects: the Cabinet of Souls, bracelets, a violin, a football, strange objects that Tanya assumed were from Rhodia, a silver band, and a yellow phone case. She smiled at that one. She flipped the pages back, returning to the Cabinet. That was why Tanya felt off. She glanced back at the table behind the desk to find that it was empty. She figured that Charlie took the Cabinet with him, but where was it? She didn’t bring it up. She wanted to but something told her that tonight wasn’t the time. She didn’t know what but something held her back from asking. She would ask later. The room seemed different, emptier without the Cabinet. Maybe that was what Charlie was talking about at the shop. The others noticed it in their pictures. None of them mentioned it either. 

She stumbled upon a page where there were two unfamiliar faces in it, both wearing crowns. Tanya once again made the assumption that they were from Rhodia. The image was sketched out in pen, making it black and white. “Charlie, are these your parents?” She asked him, interrupting what little chatter was going on around them. Charlie leaned over to take a look at the page and he nodded. The others, except Matteusz, leaned over to see the picture. He must’ve already seen it. They all slowly leaned back into their original places. She bit down on her lip, a certain question rested on the tip of her tongue, “What were your parents like?”

Charlie’s chest fell sharply as he said, “They were fine.” 

Charlie didn’t elaborate and he wasn’t going to. Matteusz knew the most about Charlie’s parents but he still knew very little. His parents were fuzzy in his mind. Not the image of them, he had them down on paper, he wouldn’t be able to forget them, but it was how he saw them. Something changed in him the night he told Matteusz that his parents had viewed him as a figurehead. Something in his mind – or maybe his heart – shifted. For _years_ , everything seemed fine. It seemed normal to have his parents view him and treat him as such. Since his time on earth, and since he had friends, it appeared that other parents didn’t seem to view their children as such. He was hesitant to question to his people but he was open to questioning his parents. The problem of it was that he never questioned anything for 17 (maybe 18?) years. Where did he even begin? He only knew the way his parents treated him. They were the only ones who raised him. 

He was trying to work through it all. The memories were faded but what he had he tried to think through them. He wanted to remember the way they treated him – the way they treated others. Did he matter to them at all? Did they love him? Was he ever their son or was he solely an air? Did he hesitate to question his people because he was never allowed to ask? 

There were other problems as well. Charlie was well aware of that. They showed up in his relationship with Matteusz. It was contact, something that he had never received platonically. Once again, it seemed normal. Charlie assumed that several other children were raised that way. Romantic contact was never an idea to Charlie. With Matteusz, he was hesitant, frightened, and curious. He was unsure if or when he could touch Matteusz, and he never knew how to ask his ex-boyfriend to do the same. He was almost never the one to reach out, Matteusz had to figure when Charlie wanted him to touch him. There were ways that his parents treated him that affected him more than he thought. He didn’t question those ways. He questioned and wondered why they never touched him, but he didn’t question how it affected him because he knew. If he did question this treatment, it would fall under the ‘did they love him category.’ 

Tanya’s eyes met Matteusz and he shook his head to leave the question alone. Matteusz knew when Charlie couldn’t talk about something from Rhodia. This was one of those moments and he was going to leave the topic alone. Maybe Charlie needed to talk about it, maybe he didn’t. The alien boy wasn’t quite sure what to do about that subject. It something that was so conflicting and it was all in his head. He remembered certain things but he wasn’t quite sure if he could explain them out loud. This was one topic that Charlie definitely needed to sort out on his own. Perhaps later down the road he will need help but he was fine for the moment. 

Matteusz was the first to peek inside Charlie’s box, knowing full well that he had probably seen most of the pictures inside. He was right. Matteusz took most of the polaroids of Charlie. There were ones of him smiling; Matteusz couldn’t recall the last time he actually saw Charlie smile like that. A horrible thought briefly crossed his mind and he wondered if Charlie ever _would_ smile like that again. He hoped he would, but it was only hope. The closest he got to a smile was a sad one. A small smile that put on a face for the purpose of it being there. He has been the recipient of that smile many times since everything happened. It broke his heart every time. He had a beautiful smile, and it hurt to think that he - or anyone - would ever see it again. Matteusz remembered some of the days that these were taken. He wished he could go back to those days. He wished he could go back for several reasons. 

There were other ones of him sleeping. Charlie had some major bedhead in the morning. He always looked adorable in the mornings. Well, Matteusz always thought that Charlie was adorable, but he looked so soft and cuddly in the mornings. Matteusz smiled at that one, unaware that people saw him smile. A familiar feeling bloomed in Charlie’s chest as he saw the other boy smile at the pictures of him, and he quickly looked away from Matteusz. Everyone else noticed but pretended that they didn’t in the sake of keeping the room from getting awkward. Everyone else were looking at their own pictures, while Matteusz had one hand in the box, shuffling pictures around, and his other hand held multiple of his own pictures. He didn’t know why he was so pulled towards the box but he was. Perhaps he wanted to remember old – good – times. It simply could’ve been that he wanted to see some of the pictures that he had taken himself. Maybe…. No. 

There were no pictures of them together. It was quite difficult to take a selfie with a polaroid camera but they managed to get a couple good ones. Plus his friends were able to take a few as well, but none of them were to be found. They weren’t in his box and they weren’t in Charlie’s. 

He shuffled the polaroids around in the box until he found a sketch below them. He recognized the sketch; it was the one Charlie made of himself for Matteusz. It was a copy of one of the pictures in the box. It was taken by Matteusz and it was his favorite picture. Charlie was looking directly into the camera. His eyes were bright and as was his smile. In the drawing, it almost seemed like he was looking at the person who was looking at the drawing. It was eerie because it almost felt real, but it was beautiful. He glanced at Charlie who was staring down at the box. He knew Matteusz was looking at him but he didn’t meet his eyes. Matteusz’s fingers drifted over the picture but he wasn’t quite sure what to do. A part of him wanted to take it. A part of Charlie wanted Matteusz to take it too. Both of them knew why they wanted to take it, but both of them ignored it. Charlie made it for him and it was beautiful, but they were broken up. Exes aren’t supposed to keep pictures of one another, right? Neither of them had considered what they would do it they became friends. If they were friends, then they most definitely want pictures of each other. So what were they to do with the pictures of them when they were dating? 

Matteusz wanted to make a decision right then and there but he couldn’t. He would think about it. To himself, he would think about it. Slowly, the tips of his fingers left the page, and quickly, Charlie’s heart sank. 

The four children silently stared at their pictures, occasionally smiling and making a chuckle. Ram laughed quite a few times at his pictures. He had the best expressions out of the bunch. He was able to make some ridiculous faces that would get the others to laugh. In the majority of the pictures, he was either making a blue steel, cool, handsome face that was attractive, or he was making a ridiculously silly expression that you had never seen on anyone else’s face. All of April’s pictures of Ram on her phone were either or. They were either smooth and handsome, or too funny for his own good. 

There were pictures of some of them together. There were messy and blurry pictures of _all_ of them together. Those were when the five of them all tried to fit in and take a selfie. Either someone was moving in the picture, or it was the one who tried to take the picture. There were clear, beautiful ones of the five of them huddled around in a tight group, and it was obvious that someone else took those. There were silly ones and there were nice ones. Some were taken on sunny weekends, other on rainy weekends, and a few taken late at night when watching movies or something like that. There was a variety of time that went on between every single picture. They were able to remember some others had been forgotten, but that didn’t make the images less special. 

They indulged themselves in memories. It almost felt like nothing had changed, but that was wrong of course because everything has changed. Their lives have changed. They talked about random shit. They talked about memories. They laughed about things they’ve said. In the end, Charlie was laughing too. His laugh wasn’t loud. It was more of a silent laughter. It was hard and his body shook but it was there. It was fun. He cringed at all the captions he made beneath the pictures of the polaroids. Matteusz ensured him they were cute when they were dating and his ex-boyfriend still reassured him that the captions were sweet. The rest of the group agreed but it didn't stop Charlie's face from turning red. That was something that three of the teenagers hadn't seen. 

The sound of the dryer echoed throughout the house and Charlie left to go get the clothes. "Should we ask him about the Cabinet?" Ram asked, eyeing the empty space where it used to sit. They all wanted to wait, but if they didn't ask now then they would never ask, and if they never asked then Charlie would never tell them. If he didn't want to tell them then they would respect that and leave the question alone. Charlie has kept so much internalized that sometimes the only way to get him to speak about something was to ask him. They didn't want to bombard him or make him feel like he was attacked so it was decided amongst the five for only one to ask the question. 

When Charlie came back in with the clothes, April and Tanya left to change in the bathroom. Meanwhile, Matteusz and Ram stayed in his room and changed. Charlie lingered in the back of the room, hiding in the dark. He was tidying up his mess of a bed, knowing full well that the blankets will be kicked off during the middle of the night. The night was slowly coming to end, he knew it had to, but he didn’t want it to. Especially now that something was beginning to stir inside him. He wanted them to stay but he wanted them to leave as well. With this feeling that was rummaging around inside him, he would want to be alone for when it really came crashing down. His stomach was nervous, making the entire situation worse. His chest was beginning to feel tight - restricted. He continued to breathe. 

He needed to do it. All he had to do was ask if they could talk. He needed to rip it off like a band-aid. Quick and fast was how he needed to do it. He wasn’t worried about Matteusz shutting him down; he was worried about what the response was going to be in response to his question. _Blurt it out_ , he thought to himself. He tens to ramble on sometimes when he talks to Matteusz and he needed himself to ramble on now. “Matteusz, can I talk to you?” He forced himself to say. Matteusz and Ram exchanged looks and then he nodded. Ram put on his shirt and left the room. 

Charlie had one more box to go. It was a box that he had no idea what to do with. He had never broken up with someone before. What was he supposed to do? Matteusz stepped up the three steps that lead to the taller platform that he was on. He handed the box to the other boy and waited for him to open it. Matteusz opened the box to find the pictures and drawings of the two back when they were dating. There were drawing of the two of them buried at the bottom of the box and pictures taken by Matteusz's camera covered the top. There were loads of pictures. They often had someone else take pictures of the two of them. There were a couple that they were able to capture on their own. Nevertheless, every single one had a sweet or simple caption written on the bottom. 

His expression was unreadable and it _killed_ Charlie. “I didn’t want to throw them away and I didn’t know what to do with them so I thought I would ask you if you wanted to keep them.” 

Matteusz still didn’t say a word. His fingers moved the pictures around in the box. Charlie didn’t know what went through Matteusz’s head; he only knew that this was his response. “I’ll take them,” He said after a few agonizing minutes. Their eyes met then and Charlie didn’t say anything else. 

It was hard to describe what happened between them in that small moment. There was heartbreak. Charlie loved Matteusz. Somehow he saw a future with him. That maybe they could move past all this shit and be happy and be in love. A part of him thought that they could get through it because they had already been through so much and they had survived. He really believed that Mattesuz was the one for him. He didn’t know why but he saw that future. He believed it so much that it _hurt_ to start believing that they would never be together again. For Charlie, in that moment, it was a reawakening of hope that maybe they could, and it was a soul crushing feeling, to get rid of it instantaneously. There was another feeling, a different kind of hope that Charlie welcomed, and it was that they would be friends. They hadn’t survived as a couple but they really could get to that point. 

For Matteusz, it was juxtaposition of emotions. Like Charlie, he believed that they really could become friends. He wasn’t filled with doubt, unlike Charlie. A part of him thought that they were getting closer to actually making that point. They had been talking more. Some of it was about school; some of it was actually _talking_. They had been making progress and soon they would’ve made that goal. Another part of him screamed at him as he gazed into Charlie’s blue eyes. It yelled at him for many reasons. It screamed at him for letting Charlie go, because deep down, something told Matteusz that maybe Charlie really was the one for him after all. It was the reawakening of feelings. His feelings for Charlie hadn’t faded but something made them stronger in that moment. It wasn’t lingering feelings from a break up. It finally got into his head that those feelings for Charlie were real and that they weren’t going away any time soon. A couple pictures of them dating made him realize that. 

“Oh! You can keep the blanket too,” Charlie added, remembering that blanket that Matteusz had been wearing the entire night. 

“Is fine,” Matteusz reassured him. 

“You bought it, I didn’t mean to keep it.” Charlie insisted. 

“Yes but I bought it for _you_.” Matteusz stopped him, insisting that he keep it. “I have plenty of blankets. I will not be distraught if I do not have another one.” He tried to lighten Charlie up. A small smile spread on his face, but it was the only one that Matteusz had seen these past few months. He put a hand on Charlie’s shoulder and squeezed it lightly then he brought him in for a strange, one armed hug. 

There was a knock on the door and the rest of the gang walked in. “We’re going to go soon,” April let Charlie know. He nodded his head. The group collected their boxes and awkwardly stood in the room. The two went down the stairs to stand with the group. Matteusz met their eyes and shook his head to say that he hadn’t asked him. April made a face, signaling the start of a question. “Where’s the Cabinet?” She asked. They all stared ahead at the empty space in the room, trying not to put too much focus on Charlie.

“The Doctor has it,” He answered and they all looked at him now. That wasn’t the answer they were expecting. They all thought that maybe Charlie had hid it in a closet, or somewhere that wasn’t his room. They didn’t ask any more questions, and Charlie was grateful for that.

At the end of the night, the four children kept took their boxes, hugged Charlie goodbye and left the house. It had been an interesting night, filled with slime monsters and pictures. They left the house feelings happy. Charlie had a few pictures of everyone and they had some of themselves. It was a night that they never thought they would have until they were in their 20’s, looking back at the dumb shit they did when they were in their teens. Saving the world wasn’t dumb shit but there was other funny, dumb shit that happened to them besides having to save the world. Their lives didn’t revolve around aliens, although sometimes it seemed like it did.

At the end of the night, Charlie sat down at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of ice cream, replaying the night in his head. The other four sat in Ram’s car, doing the exact same thing. They thought about pictures, they thought of laughter, they remembered memories, and they thought about Charlie.

At the end of the night – well the night wasn’t over yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEEDBACK PLEASE!!! I NEED VALIDATION!!!
> 
> Reminder: I will be busy and will not be able to write for about a week. 
> 
> Also the polaroid edits are made by me and you can also find them on my tumblr account: thelaziestmotherfucker.


	10. What Do You Think I Deserve?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the good comes the bad.

It was the middle of the night. Everyone was back at home, probably asleep as well, all of them except Charlie. He didn’t try to go to sleep because he knew where the rest of the night was headed. Once everyone left the house, Charlie tidied up his room and his bathroom. Shirts, shoes, and jeans were spread out across the bedroom floor and it was a mess. He cleaned it up, knowing full well that it would like that again by tomorrow night. He kept himself busy, trying to put off the inevitable outcome that was to happen. He needed to do something – _anything_ that wouldn’t allow him to think or really look into this dreadful feeling. He was exhausted – so exhausted – but he was wide-awake. His eyes didn’t droop, his mind wasn’t slowly fading away into a sleepy state, how could it when he felt like he was going to be sick? His body was aching and he needed to lie down but if he rested then he would think and that would make it worse.

He sighed when his room was as spotless as it had been in months. He had already buried himself in homework earlier that day. There wasn’t really anything else to do but wait for it to crash down on him. He left his room, phone in hand and went downstairs to the kitchen. He rummaged through the freezer and found his gallon of mint ice cream. He sat down at the table and ate in silence as he scrolled through his phone. He went on social media apps such as tumblr and instagram, desperately searching for a weak way to distract himself. It was certainly a weak distraction since it wasn’t working. The screen of the phone turned black and he rested it on table and stared at the plain wall. He let the feeling sink in deeper and deeper. His chest felt restricted and he felt hollow, like he had gone into a dazed, numb state. 

It was all so confusing which made the situation worse. Charlie thought so little of himself, which was what keeping him from connecting with the others. They were trying – they wanted to be his friends – but Charlie thought they deserved far more than him. He recalled their time in detention, Tanya explained how everyone felt like they were the odd one out, the one that others could do without. Charlie felt like that indeed, but there was a difference between _feeling_ and _knowing_. He _knew_ that if he never entered their lives they would be much better off. If he had left at the first sign of the Shadowkin, April never would’ve shared her heart with Corakinus. If he had left, Ram never would’ve lost his leg and Rachel would still be alive. If he had left or if he had used the Cabinet sooner, Ram’s father and Tanya’s mother would still be alive. If he had left, he never would’ve gone with Matteusz to the prom, and he would still be with his family. Charlie had ruined their lives. He knew for a fact that they were better off without him. They could do without him. 

In the end, if he had left at the sign of the Shadowkin, he probably could’ve saved himself from a world of pain. He wouldn’t have killed his best friend. He wouldn’t have lost his _only_ friends. He wouldn’t have known what it was like to be loved and then suddenly feel unloved and unwanted. He wouldn’t have had to face those losses. He didn’t regret meeting his friends of course. He didn’t regret being with Matteusz, but there were times where he wished it all never happened. With Matteusz, the Polish boy showed him love, comfort, and contact, and Charlie realized that he could be happy with someone. It was an amazing feeling to love and know that you’re loved back. Then they ended, and Charlie missed it more than anything. He missed Matteusz of course but it was _more_ than that. Charlie missed romantic contact and the feelings that it came with it. He missed comforting touches that let him know that there was someone was there. He missed little touches that held big meanings. Somewhere deep down, despite the fact that Charlie saw a future with Matteusz, he knew he would lose him. He lost everything and he knew that he was going to lose it all over again, and he did. He sometimes wished he was never with Matteusz because if he weren’t than he wouldn’t have missed any of this. He sometimes wished it never happened because if it didn’t then Charlie never would’ve known what it was like to be loved that way and he never would’ve missed it. He would’ve continued on with the life he had before. 

But at the same time, he would never give those memories up. They ended, yes, and the memories hurt, yes, but Charlie loved. He loved his friends and he fell in love with Matteusz. It all hurt, for so long it hurt, and some days he wondered if the pain was worth those few months, but in the end he was loved for a period of time, and he loved back. He always decided that it was worth it.

Back to the original point that was being made, Charlie ruined his friends’ lives. Along with this and the fact that Charlie thought so little of himself, he believed that he didn’t deserve his friends. He believed that he didn’t deserve to have them in his life. They were too good for someone like him. He was the cause for how they all ended up like this. It was his entire fault. He was a weird, stupid, alien Prince. He was a monster who came along and ruined their lives and for that he believed he shouldn’t be welcomed back. This feeling of guilt was crashing down on him because he failed to stay away from them that night. He took comfort in their company liked they hoped he would but he didn’t think he was worthy of those actions. He felt as if he did something wrong, like he was deliberately putting them in danger despite the fact that there was no current threat. He felt as if he had somehow taken advantage of them. They were being kind and they _wanted_ to be there with Charlie and he felt that he had taken advantage of them by _accepting_ their comfort. He didn’t deserve their company but he enjoyed it, and for that he felt guilty. Guilt was what made all these feelings come crashing down on him. His low self-esteem made itself more known and his guilt was so unbearable that Charlie felt he was drowning in it.

Here was the other thing that made this situation so much more complicated. Despite the fact that Charlie felt guilty after every interaction that he had with his friends, and that he felt that he should push them away to keep them safe (although the Shadowkin was no longer a threat), he still wanted to see them. After all, he loved them. He missed them. They were more his family than his actual family. He was torn between the constant desire to be close with them and the guilt that screamed that he was a reminder of what they had lost and that they were better off without him. He needed to push them away, separate himself, but he wanted to be with him. Some days he _needed_ to be with him. He wanted to be their friends again, and sometimes he thought that maybe he was their friend again, but he shouldn’t be, right? He shouldn’t be in their lives no matter how badly that he wanted them to be in his. 

Here he sat at the table. Alone. Not only was he alone, but he felt alone. Sometimes people can sit in an empty room and be absolutely fine. Sometimes people don’t feel alone despite the fact that they are. Other times, people can be in a room packed full with people and still feel alone. It was strange how that worked sometimes. Charlie felt the odd one out when he was with people and he felt alone when he was alone. He hated that he felt the same way despite the change in a room. No one knew what headspace he was in at the time, but he shouldn’t be left alone when he was like this. It was too quiet, making his thoughts so loud. They were so loud that Charlie doubted that he would be able to hear anything else. He breathed in deeply, eyes fluttering shut, and he hoped that maybe if he concentrated he might feel less sick. 

Quill's eyes practically rolled into the back of her head as she heard noise downstairs. She thought those obnoxious imbeciles went home. She threw the covers off her body, shivering at the cold air that she was met with. It was always cold in the house. She opened her door and quietly shut it behind her, careful not to wake up her child. She quietly stormed downstairs, once again trying not to wake the sleeping Andrea. Babies were so easily irritated that it was ridiculous. Andra’ath doubted that she was ever like that as a baby. Although how could she remember what she was like as a child? She heard the fridge door shut and then the screeching of a chair being tugged. She pinched the bridge of her nose in annoyance; it was too early. 

She walked through the hallways of the house to the kitchen. Quill turned the corner to find the Prince sitting at the table with a carton of ice cream in front of him. He didn't notice that she was in the room, either that or he was ignoring her, but she was confident in her skills of stealth to make the assumption that he simply didn’t hear her enter. After all, it was easy to be quiet when you’re barefoot. His back was facing the entrance of the kitchen so he definitely didn’t see her. She snuck around the kitchen quietly until she reached the cabinet that had her chocolate inside. She wrapped her fingers around the knob and flew it open, causing the door to slam against another cabinet door. The Prince jumped in his seat and turned around. She smirked as their eyes met and he turned away from her, probably rolling his eyes as he did so. The room fell silent and she grabbed herself a candy bar. Midnight snack. She closed the cabinet, quieter this time. She stood in front of it, feet crossed, back resting against the counter. 

"I didn't mean to wake you," Charles mumbled after a few minutes of awkward silence. His voice sounded genuine and she shifted uncomfortably. The two hardly ever talked. When they did, they spoke in short sentences, and they were usually about the schedule of the day. Nothing more. She had no idea what was going on in the Prince’s life and he had no idea what was going on in hers. Neither asked. Maybe they should. But the point was, they talked so little, that she hardly ever heard Charles speak to her in this different tone. She always expected that one tone – one that was often rude, condescending, and cocky because he knew he had the upper hand – to come out of his mouth when he spoke but it wasn’t that anymore and she hadn’t adjusted to it yet. He had no power of her anymore and he knew that. He never tried to speak to her like he _did_ have that kind of power. Perhaps he was beginning to treat her as a person, or maybe he just wanted to be left alone. She had no idea what was going on in his head. Charlie had no idea what was going on in hers either, but he had a couple guesses. 

He continued to eat out of the gallon of ice cream. She wanted to insult how terrible his sweet tooth was but she too was eating a candy bar at 2 o’clock in the morning. The two ate in silence, Charlie slurping down his ice cream, and Quill chopping off large chunks of the chocolate bar. Every once in a while, Charlie paused, his body would rise and a sharp inhale could be heard, it was as if he wanted to say something, but each time his body sank and he ate some more. As discussed earlier, “ _He thought he was a monster who deserved the worst that this world had to offer him. With that thought, he punished himself and it wasn’t a hard thing to do since he knew that people blamed him for what he has done. He punished himself and he looked for others to punish him as well. Having someone else punish him was better, it was easier, and it justified what he was doing to himself. It was justifying the way he punished himself, one of these punishments being isolation._ ” If anyone could blame him, it would be Quill. If anyone were to tell him how little he deserved, it would be Quill. If anyone could punish him, it would be Quill. Charlie was so desperate to look for blame from _anybody_ that he would go to his enemy, someone he _knew_ who hated him, someone who had every right to him. 

After the billionth time of him putting off what he was going to say, Quill said, “Get on with it!” The constant rising and sinking of whether or not a question should be asked was irritating. It was taking too long for the Prince to say whatever had to say. She rolled her eyes when Charles didn’t instantly speak. He stopped eating as if he was building himself up to the question in silence. He capped the gallon of ice cream and pushed it away from him. His body rose one final time and he asked, “You hate me, don’t you?” He didn’t look at her, he sat up straight and he stared ahead at the curtain-covered window. His hands rested interlaced in his lap. Oh here he was, the Prince again. His voice didn’t match the posture of his body, but he always sat or stood a certain way when met with certain types of conversation. Despite the fact that his posture yelled of royalty, his voice was soft, almost upset. 

She narrowed her eyes at the back of his head. He could feel her eyes practically burning into his skull. She turned her body so that it too was facing that same wall. “I thought you didn’t care about what I thought of you,” She said. It wasn’t a question, simply a fact. The Prince had made it known in the past that he did not care about her opinions on him or his actions.

 _“I care very little about your opinion of my actions, Quill.”_  

She has stated similar words in the past. Neither one of them cared about what the other thought of them, why would they? They were two completely different people. They _were_ enemies. They despised each other before; therefore, they couldn’t care less about one another’s opinions. They didn’t exactly _care_ for one another either. A bond was forced by the arn, but it was the destruction of their planet that really created a dynamic. Love and caring had absolutely nothing to do this relationship. They kept each other alive but not out of the name of love. It was out of selfishness because neither one of them wanted to be the _only_ one left. They would keep each other alive for as long as they could. That was their relationship. They cared that they lived but nothing beyond that. They didn’t express opinions of one another. Not anymore. Not since the Prince practically lived in his room. Andra’ath certainly did not care enough to enter his messy room. 

“I don’t,” Charles admitted, confirming her earlier statement. He knew what he has said in the past. Overall, he still didn’t care what Quill thought of him, but there were some moments when he did. They were the last of their kind. And sometimes, she was the only one who _truly_ understood Charlie, and he understood her. They went through a trauma that bonded them in a way that no one else on this planet could understand. Everyone in this world still had everyone in this world. They still had other humans. They would never be able to comprehend what it was like to be the last of their kind. They had no idea what it was like to _cling_ onto the one person who knew what it was like. They had no idea what it was like to be stuck with someone who wanted to torture you. Most of the time Charlie never cared what Quill thought of him, but there were moments when he did because after all, they were all they had left. Sometimes he thought that they had formed _some_ kind of bond. They didn’t like each other – they probably never would – but Charlie would like it if they didn’t _hate_ each other. Quill had the right to hate him, but it was upsetting to know that the only person, who understood what it was like to be the last, didn’t want him alive. Of course, she wanted him alive so she wouldn’t be the last, but aside from that reason, Charlie believed that she would’ve killed him long ago. If Rhodia still existed, and Quill had gotten the arn out of her skull, he would probably be dead. Unfortunate circumstances kept him alive. 

“But I am correct?” He turned his neck, not his entire body, to look at her. She remained stoic, refusing to give into whatever he was trying to get at. He was digging at something. This wasn’t a casual conversation, no, there was something more to it she could _feel_ it. This wasn’t like the conversations they had when the arn was in her head. Those were arguments that consisted of anger, pride, and pain. They were prideful of their people and their heritage. They were prideful of who they were. They were both in emotional pain; Quill was in emotional and physical. They argued and it was heated. They got intense, hurt, and angry because how could someone speak ill of their people? Her people were gone, yes, but Andra’ath was secure in her love and faith in her people. She fought for them. She knew their legacy. She _knew_ what her people were about. Charlie was shaken, and no longer felt like he knew anything. This conversation was different. This wasn’t their typical fight. There was something different in his tone and the way he was looking at her.

She rested her right hand on the counter and placed her left on her hip. “What is it?” She demanded, speeding him up to get to the point. He turned back around, head still up straight. 

“What do you think I deserve?” He asked, voice clear and strong, but Charlie felt weak. He was tired. He felt so tired that he thought he could sleep for days. He has never done that before. A prince wasn’t allowed to sleep for days on end and school wouldn’t allow it. He was drained. He was tired. He was always tired. Charlie worried that he won’t ever feel awake. There were days on Rhodia were he _tried_ to stay in bed. He would feel like he had no energy to get out, and it was _difficult_ for him to get out of bed, but he always did it. If he didn’t get out then he would probably be forced to, and Charlie definitely didn’t want to be forced out. He was used to being tired and putting on a good face. He was used to speaking in a strong voice even though he felt weak. Matteusz and Quill were the ones who knew him best, but the ways they knew him contrasted greatly. Charlie was good at hiding, sometimes he _could_ fool Matteusz, other times it seemed as if the boy could see right through him. He knew how to help Charlie, or he knew how to be there. He was occasionally able to recognize the pain behind an unbreakable voice. He never knew if Quill noticed it. He didn’t know he she couldn’t tell or didn’t care. Could she see that he was tired? Could she see that he sometimes wished she never saved him? Could she see that he was weak, and more than anything he wanted her to finally have her revenge on him? 

Her head rose up slightly and she narrowed her eyes at him. She knew that question, it was a question formed out of guilt. A question made by the guilty to bury themselves further into their shadow. He wanted her to rip him apart. He didn't care what she thought of him - no he did not - but he wanted to hear blame. He didn't care who said it. If someone answered this question with 'you deserve the worst that this world has to offer' they would be relieved by the thought that others would have to punish them instead of themselves. The ones who felt guilty needed someone to justify the things they were doing to themselves. They needed confirmation that they were supposed to be miserable for the rest of their lives. They craved a good life but didn’t think they deserved it. Charles was isolating himself from the people who were trying to help him because he believed that he didn’t deserve them, that they were _too good_ for him. There was a chance that he would live his life with defiance if he didn’t feel so guilty. He wanted to do it but he felt so guilty that he couldn’t. 

She didn't like Charles, she never has and she probably never will. With everything that happened between their people - with everything that happened between _them_ – the idea of becoming friends seemed farfetched and unrealistic. It felt out of the question with the stage they were out now. Perhaps they could reconcile, but that was all it could be. Nothing more. She liked the idea of the Prince apologizing for what he has done and then parting their separate ways. That was the only future that the two of them saw. But life has never gone accordingly to what they hoped, so who knew what was done the road for them. But even with all that history between them, Quill acknowledged that the boy was driving himself to suicide. If she - the person that disliked him more than anyone - told him all of the horrible things he deserved, he would take if gratefully and graciously before using those words as a reason to let himself wither away. She has seen people like this before. She has fought side by side with soldiers who felt guilty for taking a life who would’ve taken theirs if they hadn’t stopped them. They always felt guilty over something they shouldn't. The Prince shouldn’t feel guilty for destroying the Shadowkin. He should feel guilty but not for that. Although it seemed that there might be more to his guilt, she didn't care to find out. 

She stayed silent. _He had to live with the sacrifice_. If she gave in and told him every single thought that she had those few months with the arn, it would contradict her reason for saving him. If she told him, he would become a dead man walking. He would be alive but he wouldn’t really be _present_. He wouldn’t be living either. Another reason for not speaking, she respected herself too much to lie about what she believed he deserved, but she wasn't going to play into his hands either. She stared at him in silence, watching him grow restless with every waking second. He was staring down at his hands that were interlaced in his lap. He started to pick at his nails. He gritted his teeth and his jaw slightly shifted to side. This was always the reaction he had when he was upset and tried to hide it. He wore this expression the day it all happened. He was speaking to Matteusz, waiting for Dorothea. He held his head high but his eyes were glassy, his jaw was clenched and his teeth gritted ever so slightly to the side. He knew what he liked in that moment. This was something that has been seen before. She has heard this question before, depending on whom it was she answered. She might be filled with rage at the other person but she knew better than to let that anger show. 

"Please tell me," She heard him plead. It was a soft cry that was hurt and upset. Charlie could feel his hands shaking in his lap. He was trying his best to keep breathing – to keep himself from going into an attack – but he could feel it. The longer she waited to answer, the more anxious he became. She pursed her lips and stared down at the ground. She wouldn’t lie. He enslaved her, for _months_ he enslaved her, and she was supposed to pretend that she didn’t despise him for that? She wouldn’t lie. He knew what she wanted to say but this wasn’t the time to say it. She slid the tips of the wrapper up and twisted it around, wrapping it up again. She put it back in the cabinet and shut the door quietly. She would say the truth but not the whole truth. The Shadowkin needed to die or else they would’ve killed billions more. Their planet was only the beginning. By using the planet he guaranteed that the Shadowkin would kill no more. She would tell him that, but nothing else. The words she wished to say could be said at any point and time when they weren’t determining whether or not a person would live. She would tell him a fraction of the truth. Once she said them, it was up to Charlie whether or not to use them. They wouldn’t be the blame he wanted, but they would be words from his enemy that might give him the will to continue on with his life. She wasn’t ready to be the last.

“You had to do what was necessary to stop the Shadowkin,” She finally said. “If you hadn’t, then more would’ve died.” That was all she said before leaving the room to go back to bed. She left Charles alone in the large, empty, cold room. 

The second she left, he fell apart. A sob tore out of his throat and his head fell into his hands. Of course, he didn’t know why he expected any different, she knew exactly what he wanted and she wouldn’t let him have it. Perhaps this was a continuation of her revenge or maybe it was the continuation of her saving him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEEDBACK PLEEEAAAASSEEEEEEE


	11. Does It Matter What I Think Of You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the bad, Charlie turns to a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Charlie seemed different. They had all noticed that. He was quieter. He sat with them at lunch but he didn’t really talk. They tried to get him involved in the conversation, on _several_ occasions they tried, but he would only say a few words then he would resume to eating his food. It happened every time. They ask him a few questions. Only a few because they didn’t want him to get annoyed then leave. They asked him if anything had happened. Of course something happened but Charlie didn’t tell them that. He didn’t know how and he didn’t know if he should. Their relationships with Quill differed much from his own. They all had their own opinions regarding Charlie’s actions towards Quill. He didn’t know if this was something that he could tell them. He feared their reactions if he told the group what happened. Not everything can be shared amongst friends. It wasn’t a recent event anymore, no, it had been about two weeks since he and Quill had their conversation, but he thought about it every day, and he woke up with a sick feeling in his stomach every morning. It was another contributing factor to his restless slumber and he was sleepier than ever. He thought about school, the conversation, and…other things... That was all he thought about. 

“Has something happened?” April asked Charlie. “You don’t have to say what but…” She tucked her hair behind her ear. “Did something happen?” 

He stared down at the pavement. The two were walking down a rather empty street. There were cars parked beside the sidewalk but there was hardly anyone around. April didn’t think that he was ignoring the question; she honestly believed that he was so far in his head that he didn’t hear her. That sometimes happened. He would zone out. It was either he was too far-gone in his thoughts to really think about anything else, or he was so tired that he was in somewhat of a dazed state. She opened her mouth to repeat the question but then Charlie nodded his head. She wanted to ask what happened but she promised she wouldn’t so she didn’t, and Charlie was grateful for that. She hoped that Charlie would say something but suddenly he seemed too wrapped up the sky. She didn’t know why, it was cloudy, no surprise there, but he seemed taken with it. 

“Do you think it will rain later?” He asked, squinting his eyes as he looked from the sky down to her. He wanted it to rain. It felt like a soothing idea. He quite liked the idea of staying inside, doing homework, watching the telly, all while listening to the rain outside. He needed that day to come. He’s had the opportunity to live that day out, and he has lived the day a few times, but he has never wanted it as much as he did now. The idea seemed relaxing which was what he wanted. His head was filled with thoughts and his heart was torn in more than one direction. Staying inside the flat and doing a small activity, nothing too stressful, and listening to the rain sounded like a nice, boring evening. That was exactly what he wanted. He hoped that he got to do it. 

April shrugged her shoulders. She was wearing her denim jacket. She had a few but there was the one she wore the most frequently. There were denim jackets and then there was _the_ denim jacket. The color of the jacket almost matched the color of her eyes. Charlie’s eyes were blue, but April’s were a different kind of blue. They were more like orbs; they gave the appearance that they were glowing. No matter the lighting, you could always tell that her eyes were blue. They were bright and blue. “Probably,” She answered and Charlie nodded his head and smiled. Sometimes, April thought, it was the most random things that could put a smile on his face. She didn’t know if it was because he found something on earth fascinating or what, but if it made him smile then April was grateful for it. 

“Do you have any plans for the summer?” Charlie asked. They still had a few weeks left but Charlie wanted to know. He had a few ideas rummaging around in his head. He didn’t know if he could actually do any of them, but they sounded nice. He wanted to know what his friends were doing first. He only needed to know if he was going to be able to see them. If he wasn’t then he might as well make his own plans. He could try to get away for a while. Gods knew that he needed it. He needed to get away from _that_ school, from _that_ house, from everything just for a little while. He needed to breathe just for a little while. He so often felt like he couldn’t breathe. Every single place left a reminder of what he did. How he failed. He wanted to go to a place where he knew nothing. He hasn’t seen much of this world so it would easy to get away. Charlie didn’t think he was picky when it came to the subject matter. 

April shook her head side to side. “No,” She answered, giving him a small smile. “Why do you ask?” She shrugged her right shoulder up, shifting the backup further up her shoulder. He didn’t understand why some humans only wore the one strap on their backpacks. Ram and Tanya carried their backpacks the same way. Matteusz occasionally did it. He either carried his backpack on one shoulder or he used both straps to carry it. Charlie occasionally noticed people in school who would carry their backpack with the straps over both shoulders, but it seemed that a dominant amount put all the weight on one shoulder. Wouldn’t it be easier to use both? After all they were made to put both arms through. 

“I was just wondering,” He said. “Do you know about anyone else?” 

April shook her head again. “I don’t think they’re doing anything but I don’t know that.” He nodded his head. “Charlie,” April started, getting his attention. He turned his head to look at her. “Why are you asking?” 

“I want to get away,” He told her. “Only for awhile.” He knew leaving wouldn’t make anything better, but he hoped that it would do some good. He would be able to breathe freely and think a little bit more clearly. He was growing restless in that house, especially since his discussion with Quill. He would return, of course he would return, he still had school. He had one more year. His education was important to him. After all, he was a Prince. He was raised to believe that education meant almost everything. If he wanted to be a good ruler, then he must do well in his studies. The chance to be a ruler no longer existed, but he still cared about his grades. It was one of the few things he knew he couldn’t fail. He was smart when it came to logic, but not people. His education didn’t mean _everything_ to him anymore, but it was the only time where he didn’t feel like a failure. 

April’s brow furrowed at his response and her stomach twisted in an unpleasant way. She was always worried about Charlie. “Where were you thinking?” She asked, staring ahead up the road. He shrugged his shoulders. It was a silly idea but she thought of the five of them going on a trip together, to somewhere nice and plenty warmer than London. She would love to go somewhere warm. They all needed to get away from this place, but she couldn’t leave her mum. She could leave for a couple hours but not for days. She would go crazy with worry. Still, she could entertain the idea. 

“Nowhere in particular,” He said. “I might take a train and go somewhere, or I could see if the Doctor could take me somewhere.” Charlie turned to April, giving her a small, trying smile, and she smiled back. He didn’t know if he would actually be able to do it, but he wanted to. He _needed_ to. He was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to see this world on his own. He was discovering new facts about this planet and it’s people everyday and he worried that he didn’t know enough to do somewhere else in the world on his own. If he was with the Doctor, there was a chance that they were both new to a planet and he would be with the Doctor. He wouldn’t be alone. The problem with this was that the Doctor was pretty set on him staying on this planet and creating a new life here. He would want him to stay here, even if it was for a short time he would want Charlie to stay. 

“Maybe someday we could do something,” April suggested. “We could go somewhere for a day. It doesn’t have to be far but it doesn’t have to be here either. I’m sure all of us need some time away.” Charlie nodded his head, enjoying the idea as well, but he didn’t know if it would actually happen. April thought that maybe they could do it. They couldn’t go on a trip but they could do _something_ for a day. 

They turned the corner and there they were, on the street of Charlie’s home. She took a step forward but Charlie stayed still. “April,” Charlie said slowly, building up courage to ask the question. He hadn’t planned on asking it but it was all that his mind was on. For once he didn’t want to hear blame, for the first time in months, Charlie wanted to hear words that supported him. He wanted to be told that he didn’t have to live the rest of his life in isolation. He knew that he would most likely disregard this conversation and feel guilty about it again but in the moment he needed to hear it. He turned to her and said, “What do you think I deserve?” 

“Does it matter what I think?” April asked in return. She could easily answer the question. She would gladly and truthfully answer the question, but a part of her worried why Charlie needed to ask. It seemed like a source for validation, making sure that this hopeful realization that he deserved better was correct. If Charlie wanted to live his life with friends and family then he should. He should do what he wanted because it was _his_ life. He shouldn't go to others asking if it was something he deserved. She understood _why_ he asked the question and why he asked _her_ , but it was unhealthy to determine the way he lived his life on what other people thought. She wanted Charlie to make that decision on his own. She wanted him to realize that he _did_ in fact deserve better than what he thought he did. He deserved **_so_** much better than he thought he did. April just wished that he figured that out on his own, but at the same time she understood why he asked the question. 

Charlie had become a willing prisoner to his guilt. This question - hopefully a small realization - went against everything that he had been telling himself these past few months. He was in an unsure mindset and didn’t know which was right or wrong. He felt safer in punishing himself because it was all he had been doing for months. But his chains were wearing thin and he wished to be free of his self-punishment. He felt confused, guilty, and dizzy, with too many thoughts, desires, and voices yelling at him in his head, tearing him apart. He needed approval from someone he felt he had wronged to reassure him that wanting more than he gave himself was okay. It was still unhealthy to base it off of someone else, but April understood. He needed support to know that it was okay to live his life. It needed to be told in that moment that wanting a life with friends and family was something he deserved as much as everyone else in the planet. April understood why he asked and she would gladly and truthfully lend her support. 

Charlie stared down at the ground and nodded. He _needed_ to hear that it wasn’t such a bad thing to want. He wanted support, and a bit of approval as well. After all, he did kill April. She was one of the people he had guilt over and she was the _only_ one that stayed with him after. He has had her support throughout the last few trying months. It was terrible to seek out the opinion of someone he felt he had wronged – he had already done it with Quill – but it was wise to seek out April because he knew that she loved him as much as he loved her, despite the fact that he thought that she shouldn’t love him at all. In that moment, yes, he wanted approval that he did deserved better than rotting away in a room, feeling hollow, guilty, and lonely, but he wanted to hear her say in that moment because he wanted reassurance that _someone_ had his back. He not only needed approval but support as well and he _needed_ to hear it. The rest of the gang could reassure Charlie this as well but he was still fixing bridges with the other three. He wanted to be told that it was okay - that he didn’t need to isolate himself.

It wasn’t a difficult question for April. She thought – _knew_ – that he deserved as much as they did. This meant a lot because Charlie thought they deserved everything good in the world and thought that he deserved none of it. They had all been through hell and they can all admit that they deserved better. In the end, they _deserved_ to be kids. They paid too much and grew up far more than they should have. He shouldn’t have had to watch his people die, he shouldn’t have had to _literally_ carry the weight of his world, and he should’ve had the opportunity to be a ridiculous teenager. From what April has gathered, he was never a child, he was only a prince. April could’ve easily answered the question and told Charlie that he deserved to be a _person_. None of them should have had to worry about aliens or dying or watching people die. No person in the world should have to see that, but they have. They were still young – too young to see death and yet they had. She wanted to tell Charlie that he deserved _far_ more than he thought he did. She had an infinite amount to words to say him. 

So off the two went into Alien House, escaping the cold. When they were inside, April threw her arms around Charlie and hugged him tightly, and Charlie reciprocated. He was still hesitant. He hands opened and closed before wrapping his arms around her, but his response to the touch was faster than before. After a few seconds, she let him go and looked into his eyes and told him everything. It was quite a lot. The two stood there next to the doorway of Charlie’s room for what felt like hours, talking and certainly crying at some points. She told him she loved him. She repeated words that she had said before. She recited how using the Cabinet was something they _had_ to do. Everything they did in the end was something that had to be done. She told him that again and she would tell him that every day. She went on to say more of course. She professed deep, beautiful, platonic love for him and she told him what she believed he deserved. He thought that he didn’t deserve to be happy, she told him he did. He didn’t believe that he deserved to be their friend, she told him that she thought he did, but she reminded him that it wasn’t him to decide whom they couldn’t be friends with. It was up to every individual to decide if they wanted Charlie in their life and they all said yes.  

He didn’t say much. He avoided making eye contact throughout most of the conversation. He stared down at their feet and tears stained his face. He occasionally tried to smile every one in a while. She said many things that were in no way related to the question but they were words that she wanted Charlie to hear. She went on for a while, telling him that he didn’t need to isolate himself from them, that he didn’t have to push him away. They all cared for him and they _all_ wanted to be there for him. She meant every single word that she said. 

In the end, none of what April said mattered. April knew that, but she wanted Charlie to know anyway. As said earlier: 

 _They could be friends with Charlie, they could love and support him, but that was all they could do. Charlie was depressed; no amount of love was going to change that. Nevertheless, being friends with Charlie might help him, especially since he will have support, but it won’t change the state of his mind…They could give their opinions, thoughts, and support, but in the end it was Charlie who had to do everything._  

Charlie would acknowledge her words but it didn’t mean that he was going to wake up the next day and believe everything she said. It was up to him how to use what she said. He had been neglecting and pushing down his desire for _months_ , thinking that he didn’t deserve it. That habit doesn’t go away instantly. Just because he had a small realization that he _might_ deserve a life doesn’t mean that he actually believed it yet. He might wake up the next morning and completely disregard everything April said. He knew he would have days where his mind will return to that mindset. Everything April said was now left to Charlie. She wanted him to be happy. Her words were filled with love and support, but it didn’t mean that it actually did anything. Despite knowing that, Charlie wanted to know and April gladly told him. She would tell him a million times because she loved him. 

In that moment, Charlie wanted to know, and in that moment, it made him feel a bit better, like wanting to be happy wasn’t such a terrible thing after all. Being happy wasn’t an option; he knew that, they all knew that. He couldn’t wake up one morning and decide to stop being depressed it didn’t work that way. He might have to battle his depression for the rest of his life. What he meant was that the wanting the idea of living a life with friends, or people he considered family, wasn’t a bad thing. He didn’t _have_ to isolate from his friends and the rest of the world. Someone supported that idea. It didn’t make him feel like a monster for wanting that. Of course, he still thought he was a monster, but it wasn’t for wanting _that_. That was why Charlie asked. He didn’t want blame for once; he wanted relief and a bit of support. He still felt guilty, he didn’t know if he would ever feel _not_ guilty, and he didn’t believe that he deserved everything that April said he did, but it was good to know that it wasn’t wrong to want that. 

At the end of the day, April’s words helped Charlie feel a bit better. But at the end of day, a new day started. Neither of them knew how he would be feeling the next day, but April knew one thing, loving someone does not heal them, but because April loved Charlie, she would stay by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to have Charlie ask every single character what he deserves, that was something I ended up doing in this chapter. I always go into a chapter not knowing exactly what is going to come out of it. The only chapters that have been planned where chapters 9 & 10\. I wanted a small change in Charlie's narrative so that was why I repeated the question. The same question is asked but for different reasons. Not for blame but for support. But with this chapter I did establish a pattern of point of view's, so if you want to know whose pop's next then I would recommend looking at whose chapter was after April's.
> 
> I am still in a funk after not writing while on my vacation so I don't know how regular updates will be but I will still update. 
> 
> ALSO I WISH WE SAW MORE OF APRIL AND CHARLIE'S FRIENDSHIP BECAUSE I LOVE THEM (I seriously love all the friendships in this show)


	12. Do You Want To Get Something To Eat?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ex-boyfriends eat together at a coffee shop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sings* Another Charlie/Matteusz chapter!

“Do you want to get something to eat?” Matteusz asked Charlie. The other boy’s head shot up from his books and he stared at him like he was waiting for Matteusz to say that it was a joke. They have spoken alone together before but they hadn’t gone out together without a group. Well, they hadn’t gone out _alone_ together since they broke up. He didn’t know if the rest of the group was coming. Matteusz hadn’t said. He didn’t know if he should make the assumption that they were coming or not. He _did_ make the assumption that Matteusz wanted them to go out as friends. He didn’t want to date Charlie. Not again. Being friends was probably the most he could do. Still, a part of him wished it was a date, but he knew it wasn’t. It simply couldn’t be. The question was strictly platonic, not romantic. Right? He convinced himself that it was platonic despite what his heart wished it was. He nodded his head, not wanting to decline but the request seemed completely random. “Miss Quill can take Andrea home?” He asked, wanting to make sure that Charlie was actually available. He nodded his head again. 

He hurried up with switching books and binders from in and out of his locker then he shut the door. “Do you have anywhere in mind?” He asked Matteusz as the two started walking side by side down the hallway. He wrapped his fingers around the lower half of the straps of his backpack. 

“There’s the cafe down the street,” He answered, turning his head to look down at Charlie. It was close and since it looked like it was going to rain, it was the best option. They had been there before, except last time it was a date. Now it was… Well Matteusz didn’t know what it was. He didn’t really know what he was doing. He didn’t know what to do. He suddenly, without thinking, approached Charlie and the words spilled out of his mouth. It was word vomit. In truth he wanted to go out with Charlie, he really did, romantic or platonic he wanted to do it, but he had only been thinking about it. A part of his brain just said _fuck it_ and he asked him to go have an afternoon snack with him. He probably asked before another part of him caught up and made him review every single question that he had been asking himself since he realized that he still had feelings for Charlie. He had wanted to spend time with Charlie but he hadn’t really come up with a plan yet, but here he was completely winging it because his heart decided to do exactly what it wanted to do. There wasn’t any logic behind any of it. 

Charlie nodded his head. He didn’t say a word. He stared ahead down the hallway as they walked towards the exit. He was wearing his light brown jacket that had red plaid printed on the inside of it, and of course he was wearing a blue button up shirt underneath it. His jeans were rolled up at the bottom like always, making his high dark blue socks visible. To top it all off, he was wearing his dark brown shoes. He would’ve been surprised by Charlie not wearing a sweater but it was a rather warm day. Well it was warm when the wind wasn’t blowing. Plus, Charlie did have days where he didn’t wear a sweater. Matteusz smiled to himself. Charlie definitely had a signature style and he certainly loved the color blue. His hair had gotten longer. There wasn’t a drastic difference but it was slightly longer and a bit messier. It wasn’t as sharp and clean as before but Matteusz still liked it. He was handsome. 

The two walked together in silence. It was awkward and a bit irritating. Matteusz wanted to talk but he couldn’t think anything up. Charlie had questions whirling around in his head but he didn’t know if he should ask them. They were on the way to becoming friends – perhaps they already were friends – but Charlie felt that their relationship was still so fragile and he worried about screwing it up. He liked to think that him and Matteusz were friends but he didn’t know what Matteusz thought. They still had a ways to go, Charlie felt. After all, they were exes. He could talk to Matteusz and the Polish boy could always talk to him, but there were limits of what they could and could not talk about. There was the topic of them dating other people. They had only spoken about dating other people once and it was when they were decorating the room for the dance. Charlie asked about Andrew but the conversation was severely short, only lasting a few seconds. He only asked then because he wanted Matteusz to know that he was glad that he found someone he liked. In the end, he wanted Matteusz to be happy, if not with him then someone else. But still, even though he was glad to know that Matteusz was happy with someone else, it was difficult to talk about it. If Matteusz needed to talk to someone then he would always be there, but he wouldn’t exactly be thrilled to hear about what his ex-boyfriend was up to in a different relationship. After all, he was still in love with him. 

The same could be said for Matteusz. Neither would exactly be thrilled to hear about the other’s dating life since they were both still hung up on each other. If one were to get involved with someone else, they would most likely turn to one of their other friends for dating advice since the option of talking to each other about this topic was awkward and could be upsetting. In their case, it was definitely upsetting. If one of them started dating another person, then the other one would simply ask a question or two out of politeness but they would be short, simple questions that would require short, simple answers. 

They didn’t talk much about dating. They hardly talked about it all, but they awkwardly kept each other updated in their lives. Just because they weren’t eager to talk about it didn’t mean that they didn’t care. Charlie knew that Matteusz and Andrew never went on to actually become a couple. He awkwardly mentioned the guy one day and Matteusz informed him that it was strictly a date, nothing more. Andrew asked him to dance and he said yes, but that was it. He said that he did like Andrew but not romantically. That was the last time they ever talked about dating anyone else. Of course they would know when one of them did start dating because you do share that information when you’re friends. There was just a limit to how much they talked about it. 

“How are you?” Matteusz asked. 

“Fine,” Charlie answered, flashing a small, quick smile on his face. It wasn’t a fine that was a call for help. It was an ‘I’m okay but I’ve been better’ fine. He didn’t feel like he was on the verge of an attack. He wasn’t happy either. He was fine enough to be on his own for the moment. Nothing much had happened besides the usual. He had been avoiding Quill in the house, which wasn’t hard to do since he spent most of his time in his room. Everyday was neutral. It wasn’t good but it wasn’t terrible either. He was fine with boring, neutral days. He was safe on those days. There was nothing to worry about and there was nothing to be happy about then immediately feel guilty afterwards either. His chest felt heavy, his eyelids were a bit droopy, but it was never something he couldn’t handle. It wasn’t bad enough to go around calling for help. Neutral days were not great but they were fine. “How are you?” He asked Matteusz in return. 

The Polish boy nodded his head. He gave him a small smile. “I’m doing well,” He answered. 

He honestly didn’t know how he was doing. He was confused. Every time he looked at Charlie he felt like he was being torn in multiple directions. His mind and heart were reeling with different thoughts, wants, and moralities. Every single time he looked at him, his heart said ‘ _fuck it, just kiss him and be happy and in love._ ’ He didn’t think it could be that simple. It _wasn’t_ that simple. Or was it? He had to consider everything that happened. Everything that Charlie _did_. The questions he asked himself every time he looked at Charlie echoed in his head: _Charlie committed genocide that would make him a monster, correct? If Matteusz stayed with him, would that make him a monster as well? Was Matteusz a monster if he continued to love one?_ When he looked at Charlie, his mind reviewed those questions but when he _looked_ at Charlie his heart fluttered. When he thought of his questions, he felt sick with anxiety, but when he looked at Charlie, a warm feeling spread in his chest. They were two _completely_ different feelings. He broke up with Charlie so he could think and contemplate those questions. He needed to clear his head and answer them without any confusion. How funny it was that he was now worse off than before. Now he was stuck pining after Charlie with no clue what to do and no idea what these feelings made him.

He didn’t know anymore. He didn’t know what to _think_ of Charlie anymore. There was no Cabinet. There wasn’t a question if it was going to be used or not. Everything that he feared had been said and done. There wasn’t any reversing it and they would never have to face it again. He didn’t know if it was a good or bad thing. He was still fearful of Charlie, a part of him would always be fearful because Charlie would always be an alien, but it wasn’t the same. He feared what else Charlie was capable of. It was more than just committing genocide. He caught a glimpse of what he was capable of in detention. He feared what else he could do. The fear was still present but it wasn’t as intense. It wasn’t as consuming. Perhaps it was because everything really _had_ been said and done. All of his worries about Charlie and the Cabinet were over. The Shadowkin were no more. Every threat from the beginning of their relationship was no more. All there was now were Charlie and Matteusz, and yet, Matteusz still couldn’t be with him. 

Here was the problem with Matteusz. The five students and a teacher found themselves in a rather colorful, complex, and difficult situation. April and Matteusz had made this colorful situation black and white. If they used the Cabinet of Souls, then they were no better than the Shadowkin. April’s point of view on the matter had developed and changed since then. She had accepted that what they had gotten into was not as black and white as she had originally made it out to be. Kill a million to save billions more. Using the Cabinet was something Charlie had to do. He wasn’t a monster for doing it. Matteusz was still trying to manipulate a colorful situation into something black and white. He was making it more complicating for himself by doing this. If he continued to see it this way, then he would never let himself _be_ with Charlie. He would remain confused and conflicted about the boy for as long as he knew him. He would never be able to answer those questions that he worried about so often. He wanted to _at least_ be friends with Charlie but he could never be in a relationship with him because the part of Matteusz that made it black and white was also the part that wondered if Charlie was a monster. He would never be able to get past that wonder if he continued to see that situation as black and white, like there was right and wrong. There wasn’t. There were terrible actions that had to be done in the name of doing something right. Killing is wrong, but it isn’t the same if it is done to save billions of people. 

That was why Charlie believed that him and Matteusz could never be together again. It didn’t matter what Charlie thought of himself, it all mattered how _Matteusz_ thought of him and what he had done. They cared for each other and Charlie knew that Matteusz still loved him, but Matteusz would never allow himself to love Charlie romantically if he continued to see their situation like that. He would forever see Charlie as a monster that he could _only_ be so close to for the fear of becoming a monster himself. Charlie thought little of himself but his self-loathing had nothing to do with his situation regarding Matteusz. He strictly believed that Matteusz couldn’t ever be in love with him because he thought that there was only one way to look at this situation and there wasn’t. 

Matteusz held the door for him and the two stepped inside. They waited in the short line that consisted of two other people. The place was small, cozy, and one of the more unpopular shops in the area. There were other ones that were closer to Coal Hill and far more popular. That was one of the reasons why he took Charlie on a date here. It was quiet so Charlie could talk and Matteusz could actually hear him. The place was really good. Just because something was unpopular didn’t mean that it wasn’t good. The two stood side by side in the line as they waited. “Do you want to order together? I can pay.” He asked. After all, he did ask Charlie out of the blue. 

“No, that’s okay,” Charlie reassured him with a small smile on his face.

Charlie ordered first. He ordered a hot chocolate and a couple cake pops (he needed a couple because they were so small). Matteusz ordered a coffee and a sandwich. The two got out of the line and waited at the counter for their drinks to be made. Charlie was already eating one of the cake pops. He was taking small bites out of it, probably trying to savor it. Matteusz smiled again at him except this time Charlie noticed. “What?” He asked. His eyes were sweet and innocent as he looked up at Matteusz for an answer. 

“Is it good?” He asked, pointing to the cake pop. Charlie nodded his head and Matteusz’s smile widened. He definitely had a sweet tooth. 

Once their drinks came, the two boys sat down at a small circle table that had two seats. They stared outside for a moment, noticing that a few raindrops were falling from the sky. The place was quiet, which was why Matteusz liked it, but it always made for an awkward start to the conversation. It was so quiet that they both felt like they had to whisper. Once the conversation developed, then it was very easy to talk, but until that point the silence seemed to be unbreakable. 

Charlie’s body sank sharply as he let out a deep breath. “Why are we here?” Charlie asked. His blue eyes stared at him gently. There was something sad about his face like he didn’t believe that Matteusz simply wanted to spend time with him. His hands loosened and tightened around his cup as he waited for him to answer. 

“We haven’t hung out in a while and I thought it’d be good,” He answered. Their eyes were locked in. Matteusz stared into Charlie’s eyes, letting him know that he did in fact what to spend time with him. That he missed him. That he wanted to be friends with him. Friends hung out and he hoped that they could do the same. Charlie was a peculiar person. He was an alien, and a caring one at that. Charlie would do anything to protect him and he would protect him right back. Hardly anyone from high school stayed in touch once they left. They always hope to but it hardly ever happens. Charlie, he was a person that he _knew_ he was going to remember until the day he died. They would _all_ remember Charlie. He changed their lives. He changed _his_ life. But Matteusz hoped that he wouldn’t have to remember him because they would be at each other’s side. Friends or lovers, Matteusz wanted him there. He wanted them to be friends. Good friends. 

Charlie nodded, agreeing with his statement. He took a sip of his drink. Matteusz didn’t know if Charlie believed him or not. He scratched his forehead and his eyes were closed as he thought up a question, something to keep the conversation moving. “Have you drawn anything lately?” He hoped that he had. He didn’t care what he drew - it could be a doodle but Matteusz would be happy and he was sure that he would love it. Charlie was talented. Charlie shook his head side to side. “Why not?” Matteusz questioned, hoping that Charlie would answer this time. 

“Haven’t wanted to,” He answered the same way. 

Matteusz took in a deep breath before asking another question. “When was the last time you drew something?” He didn’t know why Charlie didn’t want to draw but he knew that he loved it. He had a guess, one that he was fairly certain was correct, but he wanted to make sure. Charlie looked into his eyes for one moment before they flickered down to stare at the table. 

“Detention,” He answered. The drawing of the arn was the last one he ever did. He didn’t know if Matteusz noticed it when Tanya was glancing through the sketchbook. He didn’t exactly have the opportunity to show him what he had done. He was gone for six days then came back only for everything to come crashing down. He didn’t know the last drawing that Matteusz had seen. It might’ve been the one of the petals. It might’ve been a drawing of one of their friends. He didn’t know. “You didn’t see it,” He explained. 

Matteusz nodded his head. He hadn’t drawn anything since _that_ day. “Do you want to?” He asked another question. 

Charlie nodded his head. He wanted to draw more than anything. He missed it. He thought about it every time when he was bored in class. He thought about it whenever he was bored at the flat or when he got a headache from doing so much work. He thought about it every time he woke up from a nightmare during the middle of the night. It was his coping mechanism, now he buried himself in his work as an attempt to distract himself. It often worked and he was plenty productive, but he missed drawing. They were all on fine terms but he hardly felt comfortable with drawing his friends because…well because what if they left him again? He never once blamed them for leaving – that has to be understood – he _never_ blamed them. He understood why they stopped talking to him. They had to process, cope, and recover, but what if something happened and they all fell out again? If they did, then once again Charlie would be left alone heartbroken and stuck with the pictures of the people that he loved and lost. And again, he would have to get rid of the pictures. He only ever drew monsters and people. He didn’t want to draw monsters anymore and he was scared to draw people. 

A small smile spread across Matteusz’s face. “What did you think of Harry Potter?” 

Charlie smiled at the question, excited to talk about the topic. He had talked about it with Tanya the most, never with Matteusz. For the first time ever, Charlie and Matteusz talked about Harry Potter. Charlie was excited to talk about it and Matteusz was excited to hear what he had to say. He asked him all sorts of questions about the books and movies. He found out that Tanya had already beaten him to giving Charlie the house quiz. He was a Hufflepuff and Matteusz informed him that he was a Ravenclaw. He told them the houses of that the rest of the gang were in. They both tried to guess which house Quill was in but neither was exactly sure. The two smiled at the thought of Quill taking a Pottermore test. He didn’t have a favorite character; he was fond of every member of the golden trio, and he loved the side characters as well. He thought that Dean and Seamus should’ve ended up together, as did Matteusz. 

“What else should I look into?” Charlie asked him, applying to question to books, movies, and television programs. 

“Have you read the Narnia books?” Matteusz asked. He remembered Charlie asking him if he had the books but he didn’t know if he had read them yet. He shook his head side to side. Matteusz snapped his fingers. “Let me make a list,” He said. This might have been the _only_ time that his backpack ever came in handy in something _other_ than school. He ripped a page out of his notebook and clicked on the top of his pen. He wrote down the Narnia books, The Lord of the Rings (Ram made more references than he realized), Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Once Upon a Time (their group made a shitload of references), and many, many more works. He included Disney and Pixar movies. He watched a few with Charlie back when they were dating but he didn’t know if he had watched anymore. Matteusz included some of his personal favorites as well and a few movies that were considered classics. Once he got stumped, out of habit, he bit down on the back of the pen. After a couple minutes of staring at the list, he put the cap back on and slid the piece of paper over to Charlie. “We’re going to need to ask everyone else.” He smiled at the other boy. “I’m sure they have plenty more to add to the list.” 

“I’m sure they do.” Charlie smiled and nodded in agreement. Charlie slid the paper back to Matteusz. “Which are movies that I can watch one night?” He asked. Matteusz scanned the list quickly, starring the ones that were single movies that weren’t based off of books. He handed it back to Charlie and he folded it and tucked it in his pocket. 

“Perhaps the five of us could have a movie night?” He suggested, shrugging his shoulders, trying to seem casual. 

Charlie nodded his head but didn’t say anything. Charlie entertained and loved the idea but he still couldn’t see it happening. There were an abundance of reasons why Charlie couldn’t see it happening. One of them was that there was now a baby living in the house. His house wasn’t exactly the best place to have a movie night. They would probably wake Andrea up by mistake and she would cry for who knew how long. They could do it at someone else’s place, but Charlie couldn’t see that happening either. A part of it was that he couldn’t bring himself to enter the homes of the people he hurt. He didn’t kill Ram’s dad or Tanya’s mum but he felt he had a part in it. If he had used the Cabinet earlier, they would both be alive. The blame not only fell onto the Shadowkin but Charlie accepted it as well. He appreciated their invites, but any time he was near their homes he felt sick and guilty. The same went for April, a woman he _actually_ killed. Another was that despite his friends actually calling themselves his friends, he wasn’t quite sure if they were comfortable with him yet. They said they were – they said many things – but Charlie struggled to believe anything they said. Maybe he was just paranoid or maybe this traced back to his self-loathing, he didn’t know. 

They talked a bit more after that, about a variety of topics. They talked a tad bit about school and their classes. Matteusz asked about Quill and Andrea and Charlie briefly spoke about Quill. He showed Matteusz a couple more pictures of Andrea; some of them were selfies of him and Andrea. Matteusz talked about what it was like living with Tanya. He talked about her like she was his sister. They talked for a while, staying away from topics that would make Charlie shut down, and staying away from the topic of _them_. They had acknowledged their history but they never spoke about it. There was one question, one truly heartbreaking question to ask, but Charlie wanted to know. “Have you spoken to your parents?” The smile on Matteusz’s face slowly fell at the question and he shook his head. 

“I left them a message,” He started, staring down at the table. “I told them that I was moving in with Tanya and I gave them the number and address in case they wanted to see or contact me, but they haven’t.” Matteusz took in a deep breath and stared out the window. Charlie wanted to take his hand and hold him, but he couldn’t do that anymore. Instead, he stared down at the table, letting silence consume them for a moment while he thought. After a quiet moment of him thinking, Charlie picked up the courage to walk around to the other side of the table and he awkwardly hugged Matteusz. The other boy smiled and wrapped his arms around Charlie. Charlie was hardly ever the one to initiate contact first. There were exceptions – there were always exceptions – but it usually had to be someone else to initiate the contact first. The hug was a bit longer than a typical hug but it wasn’t very long since Charlie was bending over to hug him and Matteusz was sure that he was a bit uncomfortable in that position. 

After a few minutes, the two got up and threw their trash away. They stood next to a window and winced as it poured outside. Charlie’s jacket didn’t have a hoodie. Matteusz had a hoodie but it wasn’t waterproof so he would still get wet. “Want to do this again sometime?” Matteusz asked Charlie. The other boy looked up at him, smiled, and nodded his head. Matteusz smiled back and returned his attention to the window. “You should ask in the group chat what other movies to watch. I’m sure they’ll have loads of suggestions.” 

Charlie nodded his head. “I will,” He promised. 

The two spotted a cab outside and they ran out in the rain to get the drivers attention. Thankfully they pulled over and the two boys got inside. Charlie was dropped off first, seeing as how his place as closer. Once the driver pulled up to the familiar house, the two boys said their goodbyes, and Charlie got out of the car. The other boy waved back at Matteusz before entering the house and he waved back. 

Matteusz felt giddy, almost as if he _had_ finished a date. It wasn’t one, they both knew that, but he had the same warm, excited, blushing feeling that he had after their first date. Yeah, Matteusz was completely, totally, and hopelessly in love with an alien boy named Charlie Smith. And Charlie was completely in love with a human who changed his life more than he knew, but instead of feeling excitement, Charlie felt a familiar feeling growing in the pit of his stomach. 

_Do you know the feeling of dread?_

Because after all, what did romantic love mean if one person didn’t want to be with the other?

The answer: heartbreak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEEDBACK PLEASE 
> 
> You guys didn't think that I was going to end it on a completely fluffy note did you? *evil laughter* I have a lot planned for these two. 
> 
> Don't know when the next update will be.


	13. How Can I Act More Human?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ram comforts Charlie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys my last few chapters haven't gotten much feedback and to be honest my energy to continue writing this fic has been running low so feedback would be amazing!

Every single individual in their small group of friends had their moments where they felt or _knew_ that they weren’t overflowing with friends. They had each other and they were okay with that, but there was still a voice in their heads that made them question why they didn’t have many more friends. They were happy and content with their group but there was that insecure voice. They wished they could make it go away but they couldn’t. It didn’t matter how many times they told that voice that they were happy with the friends they had, those thoughts still wandered around their heads, making itself known at any point in time. When the voice spoke, they would wonder why they no one else seemed to want to be friends with them, why no one was remotely interested in them. It was a horrendous thing to do to themselves but it wasn’t uncommon, they were teenagers after all. 

Every once in a while, there would be looks. The person would actually be staring at them or they accidentally made eye contact. Nevertheless, it was absolutely nerve-wracking. The feeling of insecurity and self-consciousness would instantly settle in which then led to anxiety. Their minds were suddenly consumed with questions and worry. They would wonder if there was something on their face or perhaps their appearance was funny looking or unattractive. If the person gave a strange look, then there was a sudden urge to fix whatever was the problem, whether it was their outer appearance or their personality, they wanted it to be fixed. A small part always said ‘ _fuck what they think’_ but the insecure part always listed parts of them that could be deemed weird or unattractive by others. There was this horribly strong desire to be liked by others. In this case it was horrible because it craved validation. It was unhealthy. 

There was one more suggestion that always made their blood run cold. _Did they know?_ All of the students at Coal Hill chose not to see the aliens, but what if they saw _them_? Ram always worried about people seeing his leg, it was why he always changed in the bathroom stalls. He had high socks to hide it. It was quite obvious that his leg wasn’t any kind of human technology. Once he got used to his leg, it felt normal, but he knew that it wasn’t normal. He was worried that they would call him a freak if they found out. Charlie always worried that they would find out about _him_. They gave him strange looks. They occasionally overheard him asking questions about obvious things. They thought he was a posh idiot. He worried about being called a freak if anyone found out. Ram and Charlie were in hiding. Ram kept his leg hidden and Charlie kept himself hidden, but they occasionally wondered if a student or students saw right through them, and perhaps that was why people looked at them the way they did. 

They were all hiding something from the other kids at Coal Hill. Charlie was not only hiding himself, but his past as well. Ram was hiding his leg and the facts regarding Rachel and his father’s deaths. Tanya never mentioned her mother’s death either. Quill was the one who took care of it. Ram and Tanya don’t know what she did or what she said but she told the teachers about their losses to explain why they had been absent from school. Whatever Quill said most likely wasn’t the truth, so Ram and Tanya had to make sure that no one ever _did_ find out the truth. Their deaths weren’t human and they had to make sure that no one ever found out. They feared what other kids would think if they ever heard what _really_ happened that day. Would rumors spread around? They didn’t know and they never wanted to find out. Matteusz was out, he never hid his sexuality in public, but he was very closed off about his home life, as was April, despite the fact that both of them suspected that some students knew. Other parents knew about April’s father but she didn’t know if their children did. When people looked at her, whether or not it was a short, quick glance that was an accident, she always wondered and feared what went through their heads. She wondered if they took pity on her, which was something she hated. Bottom line, none of them wanted anyone to say anything about their lives.

Every single one of them had their days where they were insecure and worried. Charlie supposed that today was his day. He was great at hiding what he felt but he supposed that his guard had faltered this time as Ram approached him and sat next to him. He was sitting outside, getting a breath of fresh air. Charlie needed that occasionally. He couldn’t stand to be inside that school for so long. Sometimes Ram needed fresh air as well. He always went outside a couple times a day. It was either between classes or before or after lunch. This time it was before. Ram kept turning his head from Charlie then out at the ground in front of them. Ram waited a couple minutes for Charlie to say something but it looked like Ram was going to have to be the one to start the conversation. Not that he really minded, he just hoped that maybe Charlie would finally talk about stuff on his own, reach out for help, but he knew that the other boy needed time. Even though it was his decision to talk or not, Ram still asked, “You okay, mate?” 

Charlie nodded his head but stayed silent. Ram nodded his head but stayed put. The least he could do now is wait for Charlie to go to lunch. The two of them could walk there together. He buried his hands in the pockets of his jacket and the two sat there in silence. “How can I act more human?” He asked Ram. His want to become more human was formed out of insecurity and his want to be liked, not just by strangers but from his friends as well. Ram’s brow furrowed at the question and Charlie went on to explain. “I was talking to April this morning and I was asking her a few questions.” Charlie paused, letting out a small sigh. “Silly questions,” He clarified, meaning that he was asking about something obvious, “and I suppose that a boy in one of my classes overheard me.” Charlie then looked at him, eyes squinting since the sun was shining on the two of them. “He looked at me funny and he said I was an “idiot.”” Honestly, if Charlie wasn’t upset, and the entire conversation was different, Ram would’ve laughed at Charlie using air quotes. He had never seen him do that before. 

Ram understood why looks and glances could be upsetting. They’ve all had moments where someone looked at them with too funny of an expression and it always left them feeling self-conscious. He has had people look at him a certain way that left him feeling terrible. There would be a worried feeling in his gut that twisted and turned and grew. Ram has done a lot to fit in and create a reputation for himself, not as many people looked at him with that expression, but still remembered what it felt like. He remembered how much he hated the feeling that came afterwards. He understood Charlie’s frustration and sadness. Like he mentally stated, funny looks can leave someone feeling self-conscious and their self-esteem can drop. 

Charlie inhaled a deep breath. “How do I get people to stop looking at me like that? Everyone looks at me like that and I feel like everyone has just been putting up with my stupidity –“ He cut himself off. His words sped up with every passing moment. His hands gestured around, his shoulders did a mini shrug every few seconds, and his voice was becoming firm and angry. Charlie wasn’t angry with Ram and Ram knew that. He was just angry. It seemed to be a feeling that Charlie never talked about, with anyone. There was the small outburst in detention but that was as far as it went. Ram didn’t know what happened between Charlie and Matteusz during the week after it _all_ happened, but he guessed that Charlie didn’t talk about it again. At the rate he was talking, it looked like it was a thought/feeling that he had kept bottled up for _months._ He had repressed it for so long that it bursted out of him not even seconds after Ram asked. That was how depression worked sometimes. When you repress your emotions for so long, it comes out as random bursts at unexpected moments, and sometimes you yell at the people you love. This was Charlie snapping. 

Ram’s heard him say those words before. That he felt like everyone had been putting up with him. He said it during their time in detention, and Ram wished he stayed behind a few minutes to tell him that they weren’t “putting up with him.” He wished he had done plenty different when it came to Charlie. He hadn’t told him that yet. He had been thinking about it. He wanted to tell Charlie that he wished he had been there for him. He wished they were all together after everything happened. April was right they made each other stronger.

“We’re not,” Ram said after a moment of silence, reassuring him that they weren’t “putting up with him.” Charlie knew that Ram meant what he said, and Charlie believed that Ram never meant to make Charlie feel that way, but Charlie was scared that they were. Perhaps they weren’t just putting up with him, but Charlie hated feeling like an oblivious idiot who annoyed his friends because he kept asking questions. They weren’t putting up with him, but it didn’t stop Charlie from feeling like he was a burden. He was just getting his friends back and he was scared that he was going to lose them again if he asked too many questions. 

“It feels like it sometimes,” Charlie said, turning to look back at Ram. “I know you get annoyed when I ask questions about humans. I know you _all_ do.” They never said anything but Charlie sometimes noticed a difference in their body language. He noticed it but never really paid attention to it until after detention. After that, he made the connection that he was the cause of it. He asked many questions about obvious things. If the situation were reversed, and he were still on Rhodia and a human somehow ended up there, they would ask Charlie an overwhelming about of questions and it would be about things that Charlie thought they were obvious and simple. He could see how it would be somewhat irritating. 

“I feel like an idiot,” He confessed. “I hear everyone talking about things that I don’t know. I have to constantly ask questions to keep up with everyone else, but if I ask questions then I annoy my friends and other people call me things. If I don’t ask questions then I still feel like an idiot because I don’t know what’s going on or what people are talking about.” Charlie stopped, taking in a deep breath, eyes falling shut as he tried to hide the fact that they were burning. “I google so many things a day so I don’t have to bother anyone. I have a list on my phone of things I can google later that I’ve overheard people saying. Even when I use the internet, I sometimes still don’t understand what the hell humans are going on about.” 

Ram stared at their feet. He couldn’t promise Charlie that he wouldn’t get annoyed because of course he would. Friends always get annoyed about something their friends do. There is no perfect human being. People will always find other people annoying, it was human nature, but he would rather be annoyed than have Charlie not talk to him about things he’s confused about. He’d rather be there for his friend than not having to answer questions. It was as simple as that. He would be annoyed, of course, but if Charlie asked him silly questions about a movie or something like that then Ram would answer. Charlie had become uncomfortable with asking questions, Ram would be happy to know that his friend was comfortable enough with him to ask him something silly. 

“Mate, you can ask me any question at any time.” Ram turned to look at Charlie and his friend was looking back. “Friends get annoyed with each other from time to time. I’m sure there are things I do that annoy you.” That got a little smile on his face. It wasn’t a happy smile, but it wasn’t sad either, it was more amused. “Honestly I’ll probably get annoyed if you ask me so many questions, but I would rather have you ask me than feel like you couldn’t. You can always ask – hell I _want_ you to ask – and I’ll always answer.” He nudged Charlie with his elbow and the other boy nodded his head. “I’m sorry for not telling you that sooner,” He said. 

There was much more meaning behind those eight words, a meaning that the both the boys understood. Neither of them liked being apart after everything happened, but they were. They needed space for sure, they all did, they needed to figure so much out, but during all that time they missed each other. Charlie understood why Ram needed space. He lost his father, Charlie understood that pain. So much happened in the span of six day that they all needed space to figure out their feelings. Charlie needed space as well, despite the fact that he wanted his friends there with him. Ram _needed_ that time and he would never apologize for taking it, but he wished that they had gotten together sooner. He wished they had gotten everything out in the open instead of waiting months to do so. Ram wasn’t one for talking – he quite often struggled to talk about how he felt – but he wished he had. That didn’t mean that he would actually be _able_ to, but he wanted to. 

The two stood sat outside for a couple minutes in silence until Ram broke it again. “You okay?” He asked once more, wanting to see if Charlie felt any better. 

He gave a small, subtle nod. “I will be,” He responded. “Thank you.” 

“Let me see the list,” Ram requested. He wanted Charlie to know that he could ask him questions about humans. Charlie pulled his phone out of his pocket, unlocked it, and handed it to Ram. The first word his eyes laid on was “hobbit.” “This is from Lord of the Rings. They’re short people with large feet,” He explained and Charlie nodded his head. Ram had actually started to read the books. His dad loved the movies and the books, so Ram was going to read them. 

He went on to explain some of the other things on the list. He didn’t explain all of them, only a few because they did have to go to lunch. After a couple bullet points, Ram and Charlie walked together to meet their group for lunch. They didn’t say why they were late. The two kept it between each other. Later that day Charlie and Ram FaceTimed, Charlie asked questions and Ram answered them. Eventually they got sidetracked and accidentally forgot about the questions. They would get on one question and then sometimes a conversation would just start between them. It went on for a while. It was nice, and often amusing. 

Charlie, Ram thought, was the friend he never knew he would ever have. He never thought that he would have an alien prince as his friend. He never thought he would have a friend who was the opposite of him in almost every way possible, although he could probably say that for the rest of their group. They were all so different from each other it was incredible. Despite the fact that they were opposites, Ram understood some of what Charlie felt, and Charlie understood some of the emotions that Ram felt. Two teenage boys, one alien, another with a leg made by an alien, both have suffered losses of people close to them, and both would forever remember those losses. After prom, Charlie asked Ram how he was doing. Ram didn’t talk to him. He only talked to Tanya about what he felt. After months of not speaking, every once in a while he would ask Charlie if he was okay, he didn’t talk to him either. He confided in Matteusz over the phone. Both had similar ways of coping when it came to PTSD, similar, but not the same. One was a jock, another was a dork, on paper it would look like neither of them would get along, and both were surprised when they found out that they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This happens to me a lot. I've put so many of my emotions into this fic.


	14. I Know You're An Alien But Why Have You Been Acting So Weird?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie finally confesses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long today. As I said last chapter, I have been in a writing funk, so I took a few days off and then I ended up writing a lot. I hope you enjoy it!

Charlie was often afraid of Tanya. She was younger, three years younger, and shorter, but she was only about one inch short than he was, and Charlie was sometimes downright scared of her. She was truthful, sometimes brutally truthful. She was strong and often she appeared fearless. Everything would be going to shit in the world and she would somehow be able to stand her ground and take a logical approach to the situation, and in the end, she might be the one to save the world. It takes a brave person - a _strong_ person - to withstand the world’s pain just long enough to figure out a way save everyone else from experiencing that same pain. It takes a _good_ person to save the world and everyone in it, even though the world has given them a terrible hand of cards. She was _good_ and _brave_ and _smart_ and _collected_. 

Those qualities weren’t bad in any way. Perhaps she was a bit too honest at times but it still wasn’t a bad trait. After all, it’s better to tell the truth than to lie. There were some moments when the truth absolutely _needed_ to be said. There were moments where lying wasn’t even an option, it was a matter of having the guts to call someone else. That was another sort of bravery, calling out a friend. 

 _“If the morality of your culture keeps looking on like slavery, you’re not really going to stop me from asking questions…But she’s helping us here. And the world which you both may have done things on is gone.”_  

 _“There are no other ways! We tried other ways and they come back! We tried other ways, and people die!”_  

She was right. Every time she was right. She was right to call Charlie out. She was right to push him and demand that he use the Cabinet of Souls. She was right about all of it. She hoped that the Shadowkin wouldn’t have found a way back to earth and that they never would’ve had to use it, but they came back, and her and Ram paid the price for their earlier act of mercy. In the end it _had_ to be used because if it wasn’t then the Shadowkin would somehow find a way back, and there was a chance that she would pay the price again. They couldn’t be stopped, only delayed. The Cabinet was the way to stop them from ever invading again. It would stop them from ever _killing_ again. It was the way to save the entire world. It was the way from ensuring that no human being would die at the hands of the Shadowkin again. It was the way to make sure that the Shadowkin would never _bother_ them again. And yes, maybe it was also an act of revenge. They paid for the millions of lives they took away. They paid for what they did to Rhodia. They paid for what they did to April. They paid for _murdering_ Rachel. They paid for cutting off Ram’s leg. They paid for _killing_ Varun Singh and Vivian Adeola, her _mum._ They all got what they wanted. Miss Quill and Charlie got their revenge, as did her and Ram, and April got her heart back.

Back to the point, Tanya’s personality traits weren’t bad. They were great. They made her the Tanya they knew and loved. Her character traits were bold and beautiful, but at the same time, that was sometimes why Charlie feared her. He never thought negative of her character – that is not what that sentence means – along with Matteusz, she was the one to call him out. Every single time he talked about Quill _having_ to save him or them, she called him out. She had the courage to call him out every time – every time she managed to budge something little in his heart – something that made him doubt his people. She made her voice be known and she called him out on it. That was the reason why Charlie was sometimes so terrified of Tanya, because she forced him to think more and deeper about his people. She was the one who got the thought stuck in his head that made him question his people’s methods and beliefs. He didn’t want to do it, his people were gone, but she called him and his people out, and it made him think, and he worried. 

 _“It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.” – Dumbledore_  

She was right to do it. Her personality traits gave her the strength to do it. It was _Tanya_ who had the guts to do it. He loved her but when it came to Quill and his people he feared her for she will somehow get him to think more. He _should_ think more but he was afraid to. Tanya was the one to force out his darker nature. She had him _face_ that darker nature. 

He still hadn’t told anyone what happened with Quill. It wasn’t something to be ashamed of but for some reason he felt like it was, like he had stooped so low that he went to the woman that _might_ hate him to punish him. It wasn’t just that though. When it came to his dynamic with Quill, Tanya was more on her side (which is the correct side to be on in this topic since he did enslave her). Charlie was Tanya’s friend, as was Miss Quill. In terms of friendship, there wasn’t a side to take. In terms of slavery, there _was_ a side to take and it was Quill’s. Nevertheless, Charlie was her friend, but she would always call him out on it. Quill wasn’t his slave anymore and Charlie never once tried to hold power over her. Still, he didn’t know what Tanya thought of him. He was unsure of her opinion on him in general but he had less of clue when it came to that. Overall, the two never spoke about Quill. 

“Why have you acting so weird?” Tanya asked him. They were face timing. School had ended over an hour ago and both had walked back to their houses. The two students have to go in different directions so there wasn’t a chance of them walking from school together unless one of them wanted to make their after-school journey longer. Tanya stared at her screen, waiting for Charlie to answer the question. 

Charlie didn’t look up from his equation covered notebook paper for a couple seconds. His right arm shifted away from the notebook, his eyes briefly glanced up at the ceiling. He was either pondering how to answer Tanya’s question or how to answer the math question, she couldn’t tell on a computer. After a minute, he looked at the computer. “It’s probably because I’m an alien,” He answered, flashing a small, amusing smile on his face. She smiled too, chest sinking as she breathed out. Quickly, her smile faded away as she waited for a real answer, and with that Charlie’s smile slowly faded too. His eyes returned to his to his paper and he fell silent for a moment. “Something happened with Miss Quill a couple weeks ago.” 

Tanya scooted up in her seat, inching closer to the computer screen. Her hands rested in her lap. “What happened?” She asked. There was an incredible change in the conversation, and both were aware of it, for both teenagers knew exactly how the other felt.

Tanya was a bit frightened to ask the question. As stated, she thought of Charlie and Miss Quill as friends, and she was scared for both their sakes. They didn’t like one another, who knew if they would _ever_ like one another, and who knew what that dislike could lead to. She hasn’t seen Charlie and Miss Quill interact. Whenever they were in the same room together, a few to no words were exchanged, but Tanya wondered if Charlie ever tried to hold power over Miss Quill. She could see it happened. He had grown used to demanding and ordering Quill around and she had no choice but to obey, and there was a _horrible_ chance that Miss Quill would unknowingly follow his orders because the arn had made her used to it. She was a strong, tough woman, but Tanya wondered that if a warrior like herself could fall into horrific, unwanted habits. She was frightened for Quill for that reason. 

She was scared for Charlie as well. Quill didn’t like Charlie, understandably and rightly so. She didn’t know if Quill ever said anything to Charlie behind closed doors. The way she spoke made Tanya think that she had plans for Charlie, not good ones. She hadn’t asked Matteusz; they never really talked about the two, not since he moved out. She overheard Matteusz calling Charlie one night, telling him that if anything happened back at the house, he wanted to know. She didn’t hear the reply. It was a fairly short phone call but Tanya believed that she had an idea what it was about. She knew that Miss Quill didn’t want Charlie dead, she saved him from the soul, but she didn’t know if she could eliminate the possibility of hurting Charlie. She doubted that Miss Quill would harm him because she has had _months_ of opportunities to do, but it was still a possibility. If she wanted to hurt Charlie then she would have already done so. She hadn’t so Tanya had reason to believe that Charlie was safe and sound. She _truly_ believed that Miss Quill wouldn’t harm Charlie but her teacher was more than capable of doing so and totally could if/when she wanted to it. It was a possibility that she didn’t believe, but still worried about. 

“It was the night of that slime monster,” Charlie started off. Tanya nodded her, remembering that disgusting monster. He breathed in deeply, his inhale was heard on her side. “Sometimes” He slowly began, taking a pause between his words. “Sometimes after I have a good time, I hit a low right after.” He looked at her and she nodded her again. She knew that was the case for some people. Sometimes after having a high there was a low instantly after, sometimes it was a horrible thought that entered the mind and instantly changed their mood, for Charlie it was his guilt. “I felt horrible.” He eyes stared back down at his notebook. His voice was strong but there was a hint of sadness. “I went downstairs to eat.” Tanya’s brow furrowed at that statement. Wasn’t it like 4 in the morning? Oh well, midnight snacks are always nice. “And Quill came downstairs. I accidentally woke her up.” 

He shrugged his shoulders, hands dropping down to his lap. “I just asked her a couple questions.” 

“Such as?” She raised her eyebrows, pushing for more specifics. 

He glanced around the room, pretty much everywhere but his computer. “I asked her what she thought I deserved.” 

That wasn’t what she was expecting. She was expecting something a bit more forward, something that didn’t leave her with more questions. He looked so guilty on her screen. He wouldn’t look at her; it was like he was ashamed of what he did. His arms slightly fidgeted which would hint that he was picking at his hands in his lap. Her brow furrowed as she thought of the question. “Why would you ask her that?” 

He shrugged his shoulders and Tanya called bullshit. Charlie rolled his eyes. “She hates me. Or she strongly dislikes me,” He corrected, voice irritated with the last part. The irritation wasn’t directed at her, it seemed to be more at Miss Quill. Tanya stared silently at the screen, eyebrows raised to urge him to continue. “I thought she would tell me that.” That was the simple answer. 

Tanya didn’t know what to do here. She knew that sometimes it was better to let the other person choose when to talk. She knew that pushing questions could also have the accidental outcome of pushing that person away. Sometimes it was better to wait for when the person wanted to talk, instead of making them talk. But in this case, and other cases around the world, sometimes action was needed. Charlie didn’t seem willing to _ever_ share what happened between him and Miss Quill, and there was a chance that he was never going to tell anyone what happened. He was acting weird a couple weeks ago, and by weird she meant almost completely silent. He hadn’t been acting like that as much lately but some days he did. When asked if something had happened, he never answered. He simply nodded his head and moved on. It had been a month since he started acting this way. She decided to push for more questions. 

“Why did you want her to say that?” She asked. Her voice was curious. 

“It’s difficult to explain,” He answered, eyes rising to look at the screen. 

“Okay,” She said and accepted the answer. “What happened after that?” She continued to ask. 

“She asked me a couple questions back and I answered then I asked her a couple questions again. Then she left and I stayed downstairs.” 

“What did you guys say?” She asked for more specifics. This was like Charlie. When it came to Miss Quill, he could often be vague. He never gave specifics. She didn’t know why but he never did. He never said what Quill did on Rhodia, and Tanya never wanted to know. She was sure that Quill has done things back on their planet, but it in no way changed what Charlie was doing to her. 

“I asked her if she hated me, she said that she thought I didn’t care what she thought of me, then I said that I didn’t, then I asked her if I was correct in presuming that she did hate me, then she asked what was bothering me and I asked her the question.” He stared at Tanya on his screen. His blue eyes were wide and his mouth was thin as he frowned. 

“What did she say to that?” 

“She said that what I did to the Shadowkin was necessary and had to be done.” His posture was straight. His hands now rested on top of the desk. He looked much different than he did at the beginning of the conversation. Charlie was in no way braver than before, he was nervous and honestly he felt like he was shaking, this was another occasion where he simply acted in a princely manner. He wasn’t talking to Tanya like he was royalty; he was simply sitting like it. Whatever nervousness and fear that was in his face before had been drained out. His voice was soft. It wasn’t the tough voice of a prince and there was a reason for that. The way he was feeling on the inside wasn’t because of fear (although he was a tad bit afraid of how Tanya would react); it was because this was his first time talking about what had happened, and even though he was reciting the conversation back to Tanya, that was the first time he said Miss Quill’s words out loud. It was the first time he ever said he had to kill the Shadowkin. The words weren’t his but he said them for the first time. 

He instantly felt like he was going to be sick, but at the same time it felt like his chest was lighter, like those words brought some relief. It was almost like he believed him. It was a thought that he had blocked out for _months_ , he heard his friends and Quill say it, but he never believed it. He always threw the thought out of his mind like it was a lie to make him feel better. Out of habit, he felt sick at saying the words. His stomach wrenched and it wanted him to take those words back, but he felt a new feeling all of the sudden and he knew why. While the realization and new feeling was good, Charlie knew that it wasn’t as simple as accepting this feeling. His mind was going to battle which belief, thought, and feeling was correct. Like everything else, it was going to be a long, emotional process to work those emotions out. 

Tanya supported the decision of using the Cabinet of Souls. She wanted him to use it. She wasn’t mad at Charlie for using it. She would never blame him for using it. Her anger was because she lost her mother, and a part of her wished he had only used it sooner. But he didn’t know that would happen. None of them knew. She didn’t believe that Charlie should feel guilty for using it, but at the same time he was the one who had to take millions of lives and committed double genocide. She understood why he felt guilty, despite the fact that he shouldn’t. “It’s true, you know.” She said, agreeing with Miss Quill’s statement. “It had to be done.” 

Charlie didn’t say anything. He nodded his head. It was so complicated, like everything else he was feeling. There was this acknowledgement that yes; the Cabinet was the only way to stop the Shadowkin from killing everyone, the Cabinet was the answer all along, but there was still this heavy feeling of guilt. It wasn’t that he had murdered millions of the Shadowkin, completely running them into extinction, it was more than that. It had all to do with his people. The people he was now questioning. He wished that he could’ve brought his people back to life. It was what he had left of his home. Quill had her gun and he had his people. Now…now he had nothing, nothing but an empty box. He felt like he somehow wasted his people. He hadn’t. He sacrificed his people to save another, but he wasn’t hero enough to bring them back in the Shadowkin’s body. He felt like he had failed them. He was their prince, he was responsible, but now he was no longer a prince, and he no longer had anyone. His future was planned out, as were his duties, now he had none of that, and he had to make his own life now. He wasn’t quite sure if this opportunity was good or bad yet. 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” She asked. 

Charlie shrugged his shoulders. “I felt awful afterwards. I asked her because I wanted her to tell me how horrible I was.” He smiled sadly at the computer camera. “I wanted someone to blame me for everything that I’ve done and I thought she would. She didn’t.” He fell silent and for a moment, and Tanya stayed silent as well. His eyes stared into the camera blindly, as if they were working in reverse and he was inside his own head, trying to decide if he should go on with conversation. “I felt ashamed,” He finally added softly. He couldn’t explain why, he just felt it. “Besides, Quill and I aren’t exactly something you mention for a light discussion.” 

She nodded her head at the last statement. It was true. Charlie and Miss Quill’s cluelessness about humans was amusing from time to time but that was really the only time where the two aliens were a topic of delightful discussion. Other times, it usually consisted of Tanya and Matteusz and Quill calling him out on his actions. This was a heavy topic but in a completely different way. It was more of Charlie wanting this person who could very well be his enemy to blame him and punish him. He wanted them to get their revenge on them. Tanya was a genius but she couldn’t understand everything that was going on inside Charlie’s head. No one could. 

It was a secret. Something he had only kept to himself, something that he didn’t want to tell anyone. That was why had been so quiet. Charlie felt like he had stooped to a dangerous level and he knew he would never do it again. He didn’t know how his friends would react since their relationships with Quill differed much from his own. The mixture of shame and nervousness kept him from telling. What he did would in no way change the way they viewed him or Miss Quill or their relationship. He knew that the outcome could very well be supportive if he did tell them, but they would probably say things that they have already. 

“You can still tell us these things,” She let him know. “We’re friends.” Tanya’s honesty was a wonderful trait. Whenever she said things like that, the other person knew she was genuine. There weren’t any doubts that she didn’t mean it. Her words made his chest bloom. 

“I know.” He nodded his head. He gave her a smile. “Sometimes I just don’t know how to,” He explained and Tanya nodded her head. 

Charlie was her friend, and sometimes they feared one another. It wasn’t a toxic fear. Sometimes Charlie was sometimes afraid of Tanya, and sometimes Tanya was afraid of Charlie. Tanya feared the power that Charlie once had over Miss Quill and she was scared that he would attempt to hold power over her again, and Charlie was frightened of her calling him out on it. She _should_ call him out on it, she had every right to, and he would hopefully take her words into account instead of simply ignoring them. She didn’t know it, but Charlie hadn’t stopped thinking about her words since she said them. Tanya calling Charlie out would hopefully lead to better development. What she was doing was good, and Charlie _should_ be afraid of her calling him out. The morality of his culture and quite possibly _his_ morality, needed to be questioned and faced. Hopefully one day, he would develop and see what his people did and who they really were.

Both of their fears for one another were natural. No one wants their culture to be called out, especially a dead one, that defense against it is almost an expected and natural reaction. That doesn’t mean that it’s a good reaction, but it is understandable nevertheless. It shouldn’t need to be stated that fearing a person who enslaved someone is a natural reaction, but many people out in the world need that to be said. Anyone and everyone should be fearful of that person, or they should _at least_ question them. And anyone and everyone should react the way she did. They should call out this appalling behavior. With her fear of Charlie abusing his power and her strength, she had the ability to call him out on it. 

Their friendship had its issues regarding Quill and a couple other things, it wasn’t the smoothest friendship to ever exist, but they were still friends.

And that was it. The two talked a bit more after that. Not much since they both had homework to do. Charlie told her everything and she told him everything that she thought. There wasn’t much to say about it. She said everything that she wanted to. What he did wasn’t good towards himself, she told him that, he knew it already, but he wasn’t horrible for wanting this unhealthy validation, at least he _realized_ that it was unhealthy. He hadn’t done anything wrong. There wasn’t anything to say on the matter besides giving support, letting him know that she was there for him. She listened when he obviously needed someone to talk to. Anyone would have listened and they all did ask, but because of the uniqueness of this friendship, Charlie told her. He was far more comfortable talking about Quill with literally any other person, but he chose Tanya. Charlie was worried that he had done something wrong and if he had then Tanya would have told him. She would have called him out and _Charlie_ would have _acknowledged_ it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE GIVE FEEDBACK I NEED IT!!!!!
> 
> I don't know when the next update will be.


	15. Are You Free Tomorrow?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteusz receives a call from Charlie inviting him over to his house. That's it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short but for good reason. It's just me building up to the next chapter which should be coming in a day or two.

Matteusz jumped at the sound of his phone ringing. Tanya snorted at his reaction then continued to eat her popcorn. He grabbed his phone from the table and checked the caller ID: Charlie. “Can you pause the movie?” He asked Tanya. She had given him an irritated look and he turned his phone to show her who was calling. Her brow furrowed and she squinted her eyes as she read the caller id. She then picked up the tv remote and paused the movie. Matteusz slid his thumb across the screen and answered. “Hey,” He said, voice calm and collected. No one would have been able to guess that the ringtone frightened him a moment ago.  

“Hi,” Charlie said. “It’s Charlie.” He always introduced himself when he called someone. Matteusz didn’t know if Charlie did that because he thought he had to or because he liked to. 

He nodded his head, smiling to himself. “What’s up?”

There was a long pause on the other side of the line. Matteusz was starting to get worried but then Charlie spoke up. “The ceiling,” He answered seriously. Matteusz smiled and almost snorted at the joke but he stopped himself. “I was calling to ask you if you were free tomorrow.” 

His eyebrows shot up. “Yes, I am,” He answered, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Could you come over tomorrow?” 

“Of course.” Matteusz slowly, and hopefully subtly, exited the room. He stood awkwardly in the bathroom, holding his phone close to his ear. “Is everything alright?” He asked softly. There was a chance that the question was simply something out of blue. Matteusz asked Charlie to grab some food with him out of nowhere. There was a small chance that Charlie was doing the same thing, but he didn’t think so. He heard soft sigh on the line, a sigh that told him that there was a reason for this call. 

“I don’t know.” He said. “But I’ll be fine. Or at least, I will be until tomorrow. I’ll see you then. Goodnight,” Charlie said.

“Goodnight,” Matteusz replied. Charlie hung up and slowly Matteusz went back out into the main room to watch the movie with Tanya. 

“That was quick,” She stated, tossing some pieces of popcorn into her mouth. “What did he say?” 

“He asked if I was free to go over to his house tomorrow.” He plopped down on the couch beside her. 

“And you said…?” She urged him to continue. 

“And I said I would be there,” He answered, refusing to look at her. She probably had a smug, teasing face on. “He seemed upset,” He added, changing the mood of the conversation. “I don’t know why, he didn’t tell me, but I’ll find out tomorrow.” 

She nodded her head. She handed him the bowl of popcorn and he grabbed a fistful. The two sat in silence as they resumed the movie Moana. They had already seen the movie before but it was a good movie so they decided to watch it again. 

That night, after finishing it, Matteusz laid in his bed, and thought. He wanted to go to sleep but his mind was too active, it was filled with possibilities and questions, and he didn’t have a clue how to shut them down. 

While Matteusz laid in his bed, debating and thinking, over at Charlie’s place, the sound of the Tardis leaving echoed throughout the house. It slowly disappeared, leaving Charlie, Miss Quill, and Andrea in the house. Charlie sat in the corner of his room, hands clenched in tight fists, staring painfully across the room at the Cabinet of Souls. He probably shouldn’t call it that anymore. 

Charlie Smith, the once Rhodian Prince, sat in his dark bedroom on earth, staring at a blue, dark, empty cabinet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These next few chapters are going to be more Charlie/Matteusz centric. I don't know how many chapters but it won't be many because I still have the other characters and interactions to write for.


	16. Why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteusz goes over to the alien house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Don't expect another quick update like this. I wrote this then the last chapter because I didn't like fitting in the explanation.

Matteusz stopped in his tracks on the sidewalk. He slowly took a step forward, listening closely as he came closer to the house. He heard something. It sounded like grunting. He continued to slowly step towards the house, and the sound was becoming more distinct and louder as he did. He arrived at the house quickly; he wasn’t very far from it when he heard the sound. It sounded like it was coming from the backyard. He rang the doorbell and waited outside for Charlie or Miss Quill to answer. The door swung open, revealing Miss Quill dressed up in her usual outfit, aka something black. The two aliens certainly liked their colors. Charlie liked blue and Miss Quill liked black, although she occasionally wore a different color but it would still be dark. 

“He’s outside,” She immediately said, leaving the door open for him. 

He stepped inside, closing and locking the front door behind, and walked out to the living area. He glanced out the backdoor to see Charlie holding an axe, chopping wood, whilst shirtless. Matteusz raised his eyebrows at the sight. Who the hell chopped wood? And why did they have an axe? _When_ did they get an axe? Now Matteusz couldn’t stop wondering if that axe had been somewhere in the house the whole time he was here. If it had been here, well he felt oblivious, and if it hadn’t been here, and if it was still somewhat new, then _why_? Just why would someone buy it? Whose idea was it to buy it? He shook his head, shaking him out of his thoughts on it. 

He approached the glass door and slid it open. “Hi,” He said awkwardly, standing underneath the doorway. Charlie abruptly stopped moving and dropped the axe on the ground. 

“Hi,” He responded awkwardly, voice a bit rougher than expected, like he was trying to be nice even though he was irritated. It was like there was some leftover anger in his voice that accidentally got laced in. He hurried over to the corner next to the door where his shirt was. He slid his arms in and then slipped it over his head. Matteusz almost passed out in shock when he saw that it was a t-shirt, because when the hell did Charlie ever wear shirts that weren’t long-sleeved button ups? “How are you?” Charlie asked him like they haven’t spoken in a week. 

“Well,” He answered. “And you?” 

Charlie’s mouth tightened at the question and he stepped inside the house. “I need to show you something,” He said; thumb pointing out to the staircase. The two of them walked up the staircase in silence and into Charlie’s room. The second they walked in the room, Matteusz saw it. It was on the table that sat right behind Charlie’s desk. Charlie moved and stood in front of it and Matteusz cautiously stepped forward to stand next to him. 

“So it’s…?’ Matteusz started, briefly tearing his eyes away from the Cabinet of Souls to look at Charlie. That was why Charlie had invited him over. He knew that something was wrong but he never would have guessed this. He never would have expected that he would be standing in Charlie’s room, staring at the Cabinet of Souls. It was dark. Of course it was dark it was empty. There was nothing in it. There weren’t any souls of course, but there wasn’t the sandy dessert either. Everything that was once in it was gone. 

“It’s just a cabinet now,” Charlie finished. “The Doctor somehow found a way to destroy it. I don’t know how, I didn’t really want to ask.” He stopped speaking. His eyes were staring at the abyss inside the Cabinet. The next time he spoke, his voice was much softer. “No Rhodian soul will ever enter the Cabinet again.” Meaning that _Charlie’s_ soul would never be trapped in the Cabinet. That was the whole point of this. That was why he had sent it with the Doctor, so he would never be trapped in that _box_ all _alone._ Rhodians and many humans as well, believe that heaven is where loved ones are reunited after their time on their planet. The Cabinet was their heaven. What was heaven if you weren’t reunited with your loved ones? What was heaven if you were stuck all alone in a box? That sounded more like Charlie’s hell than his heaven. Charlie didn’t care how he died. As of his current state, he didn’t know if he cared about living or dying, but he when he did die, he wasn’t going to be in that box. Not alone. 

Because that was one of his largest fears wasn’t it? Behind losing his loved ones (a fear he has faced so many times) and being trapped in confined spaces, being alone was one of the things he feared the most. He had been alone for most of his life. He couldn’t determine his future, he could very well live out a lonely life, but he refused to have that post-death. There might not be a heaven. In the end, all death might be is death. There was a chance that nothing came after that, but Charlie would rather reunite with everyone in death, than live a lonelier afterlife. In the end, like almost everyone else in the world, Charlie Smith was no more than a person who wanted a family. 

He had his friends, thank god, but who could guarantee that they would be around until he died? Who could guarantee that they would remain friends after sixth form? No one could. Like everyone in the world, their futures’ were up to question. They had no clue what the future held, and Charlie feared that his future had no one else but himself. It’s quite a terrifying feeling to have. 

Matteusz stared intensely at Charlie. He couldn’t tell if the alien boy was lost in his own head or if his eyes were lost in the black pit in the Cabinet. He was standing up straight but yet he looked like he had the entire weight of the world on his shoulders. He wasn’t _actually_ holding the weight of his world anymore, but his face looked pained like he was. His eyes looked tired and hurt. Matteusz wondered if he got any sleep the previous night. His hair was a bit messy, but it wouldn’t suggest that he had just gotten up. No, his bedhead was _way_ messier. It looked like it had been brushed aside with his hands instead of combing it. From far away, he would’ve looked normal; up close it was clear that he wasn’t okay. 

His mind was _filled_ with questions, so he decided to start asking some. 

“When did he give it back to you?” He asked the first question. His continued to stare at Charlie, hoping he would move or speak, any little action that would let Matteusz know that he was present. That Matteusz had successfully pulled him out of his head. He almost let out a sigh of relief when Charlie turned to look at him. Matteusz’s voice was soft as his spoke. It was comforting. Charlie wanted to take his hand and lace their fingers together. He wanted Matteusz to wrap his arm around him. He wanted simple touches such as that. They always helped. It didn’t ease the pain but it helped. But none of that happened. The two stayed still in their spots, arms brushing up against one another, and they stared at the empty, dark cabinet. 

“ _She_ gave it to me last night,” Charlie answered. A small smile grew on his face at the expression on Matteusz’s face. “Timelord’s can regenerate into any gender,” He explained to Matteusz. The Polish boy nodded his head. “I suppose ‘ _they’_ is the more correct term for the Doctor actually,” He added. Matteusz nodded his again. Charlie has spoken about the Doctor with Matteusz since the prom but he doesn’t recall ever talking about the Doctor regenerating. Miss Quill was quite interested when they stepped out of the Tardis. The Doctor looked much younger than before. They had short, blonde hair, pale skin, green eyes, and they were shorter than Charlie now. They were around 5’6” while Charlie was 5’10.” He was a bit proud of that. You know how people get really proud about being taller than someone older than them? Well Charlie had that moment. Obviously the moment was short lasting since the Doctor brought out the Cabinet.

“Did you get any sleep?” He asked. Charlie’s little smile that was on his face had faded away at the question. He shook his head and returned his attention to the cabinet. “What are you going to do with it?” He asked next. It seemed like a painful reminder for Charlie. The look on his face as he stared at the cabinet worried Matteusz greatly, and he hoped that Charlie wouldn’t keep it. To keep it would be an unhealthy thing to do.

“I don’t know,” He said, shrugging his shoulders. His hands curled up into fists by his sides. He was staring at the cabinet with such intensity that Matteusz was worried that he might actually start shooting knives out of his eyes. Charlie didn’t like knives, but he sure as hell looked like he was ready to go fetch one and wreck the cabinet. He flexed his fingers, stretching out his hands from the fist. He was taking in deep breaths; he was inhaling and exhaling loudly. Matteusz couldn’t tell if that was because he was really upset or because he wanted Matteusz to _believe_ that he was upset. Matteusz already believed it, so he ruled the idea out. “I just need to _do_ something!” He said, running his hands over his face. “It’s all I can think about.”

Unsure of what to do, Matteusz bit down on his lip. “Was chopping the wood helping?” Chopping wood wasn’t exactly Matteusz’s ideal way of handling the situation but if it helped take Charlie’s mind off of the cabinet then he would do it. 

Charlie wiped off his sweaty palms off his jeans. He turned to Matteusz and kind of shook his head in every direction. “It kept me busy,” He answered. “I wouldn’t say that it helped.” 

“Do you want to continue?” He asked. He slowly nodded his head. “Then lets go back outside,” He said gently. He left it open as an offer. If Charlie really wanted to go then Matteusz would follow. It was Charlie’s choice to move. He could do that or choose to do something else. Whatever he thought was best for him. Charlie stepped forward and left the room first, and Matteusz followed behind closely. 

The two went outside. The two stripped themselves of their shirts. Charlie handed Matteusz the axe. “I don’t need it,” He told him, and Matteusz accepted. 

“When did you get this anyway?” He asked, grabbing a small log from a pile. 

“Christmas break. We both needed _something_ to do.” The two didn’t exactly travel many places. There was Coal Hill and a couple of shops that they visited frequently. For the majority of the break, the two just stayed in the house. It wasn’t like they could go on vacation; they wouldn’t know where to travel. They wouldn’t have taken a trip together but it still stands that neither of them would have known how or what to pick. The two found several activities of their own to keep them busy. Both were getting rather antsy being cooped up in the house together, so they discovered some interesting activities. One thing that they both took interest in was chopping wood. The axe was unnecessary, Quill and Rhodians were stronger than human beings, they could tear a log in half with their bear hands, but Quill wanted it so she got it.

Charlie picked up his own log and thus the boys began to chop wood. That’s a sentence that neither of them thought they would ever think about and probably a sentence that many readers probably never thought they would read. Life can be really fucking weird and unexpected. While Charlie invited Matteusz, he didn’t plan on chopping wood alongside his ex-boyfriend, and Matteusz didn’t anticipate this when he was invited. Really, this was one hell of a surprise. 

So for a while that was all the two did. They chopped wood in the backyard. Neither of them made a sound. Charlie didn’t tire out. The boy ripped the pieces of wood with his bare hands. If Matteusz weren’t so worried about him, he’d probably find it hot. Charlie was quiet, so quiet that it was deafening. He didn’t look angry, he didn’t look upset, he didn’t look like anything to be quite honest. There wasn’t a specific expression on his face. His mouth was in a straight frown. His nose was scrunched up and he squinted his eyes but that was because of the sky. It wasn’t too bright out but one would still need to squint their eyes if they looked up at the sky. 

Charlie was growing more irritated by the second. He was getting angry. He was getting upset. He thought that maybe he would have tired out by now but nothing has happened. He thought it was a good way to express some of his anger but how could it go down when the cabinet – the very source of his anger – was upstairs ready to taunt him when he went back inside. It wasn’t helping. _Matteusz_ wasn’t helping. Charlie wanted him here by his side and Matteusz was trying to help him, but he was growing angry with him too. He was angry that this idea wasn’t working. He was just _angry._  

“I’ll be right back,” He said to Matteusz, tossing his piece of wood into a large pile. 

So, as he originally wanted, Charlie went inside to retrieve the cabinet. That was all it was now, a _cabinet_. It was fancy, blue, cold, _pointless_ cabinet. He hated it so much. It once meant everything to him and now he hated it. Maybe there was a lesson here, he thought. Never make anything your everything or else you’ll be devastated when you end up hating it later. A fine lesson is to not make anything or anyone your everything. That’s unhealthy. It’s not good to put that something or someone on a pedestal either, nothing and no one is flawless. He stormed up the stairs of the house, hands shaking as he wiped the sweat off his forehead He opened the door to his room and fetched the cabinet from beside his bed. He carried it back downstairs and outside. 

“What are you doing?” Matteusz asked as Charlie opened the door. The cabinet rested next to his feet. It was too difficult to carry the cabinet and slide open a door at the same time. He didn’t answer Matteusz’s question. He heard it, but honestly he was too angry and too far-gone in his own head to really comprehend what he said. He moved the cabinet outside and the shut the door behind him. Matteusz stayed where he was, probably too frightened to really move. This was fucked up. The whole situation that they were in was fucked up. _Charlie’s_ life was fucked up by the Shadowkin and for once, just this one time, he wanted to stop being angry with himself and be pissed off at the Shadowkin. He wanted to be pissed at the cabinet. He wanted to be pissed off at everything. 

He hadn’t been angry in _months_ , not really. Charlie hated the Shadowkin – he wanted to _murder_ the Shadowkin – and before everything happened he was angry with them. But then Tanya’s mum died, Ram’s dad died, and April died, and Charlie had to sacrifice _all_ of his people to destroy them from hurting anyone else. After this, Charlie took _all_ the blame. He wasn’t angry with the Shadowkin anymore, no, he was angry with himself, and he _hated_ himself. He knew that he would probably be angry with himself tomorrow but today he was going to allow himself the luxury of being pissed at _so much. He was going to be angry at everything else._

The Shadowkin destroyed his life. Fact. They left him and Quill as the last of their kinds. They forced them to go into hiding. They are the reason why two aliens had to hid on a planet that they knew _nothing_ about. They killed Rhodians and Quill. They killed everyone he knew. They murdered everyone that _Quill_ knew as well. They _murdered_ his _mum_! She _died_ right in front of him! They murdered Tanya’s mum! They killed Ram’s dad! Both of their parents, _died_ right in front of them. They all had to witness their parents being _murdered_ by _monsters_! They took April’s heart, which left her no choice but to die! They killed so many people! They were monsters! That was what they were. And they kept pushing and pushing until Charlie had no choice but to use the one thing that keeping him together. The _one_ thing that kept himself as _him_! He lost it and with that he lost probably the most important person in his life, and he has probably lost him for forever. They have _royally_ fucked him up and he hated them!

With that, he raised the cabinet up and threw it on the ground. Hard. It made a thud when it hit the ground. It was the sound of something hard and solid hitting the ground. It wasn’t a shattering sound, just a thud. 

He hated the cabinet. For weeks it was a burden and a comfort. It was his entire race, that was the comfort and the burden. He had his people with him and there was hope that he would be able to revive them in a different form, but at the same time, he was _literally_ carrying the weight of his world. Everything – _everything_ – came down to him. It tormented him for _weeks_. He was constantly questioned whether of not to use it. It was _his_ decision and he never wanted to make it. The risk of losing his people was a great one. And if he failed, that was on him. If he succeeded, well great, but obviously that wasn’t what happened, was it? Its purpose now was to taunt him of his failure. He had the cabinets for _weeks_ in advance and he didn’t use it. He didn’t use it and more people died! He failed his people and he failed to use it sooner, failing his friends as well.

He kicked the cabinet on the ground. He heard yelling and he felt himself being tugged but he didn’t react, he just kept kicking the cabinet. The words he said to Matteusz in detention were ringing in his ears, _“I would lose you. I would lose myself. I would lose hope of anything good ever again.”_ Because _fuck_ it was true! He did lose Matteusz. Charlie wasn’t even Charlie anymore. Not really. He didn’t draw anymore and he feared that he never would again. He was a murderer now. More now than ever he was an alien boy _trying_ to human! He wasn’t pretending to be a human to blend in anymore - no - he was trying to be a human for the sake of being liked, in the name of not having a lonely future. And only recently, did Charlie start to let himself hope that maybe - just maybe - his future wasn’t as dark as he thought it would be. He let himself think that he might be able to have something good in his life. He had his friends again but here was the problem: every day he feared that everything was going to be ripped away from him for a third time. He was finally getting something good again. He was reconnecting with the people he had lost and he was scared that something was going to happen. That either _he_ would do something or another alien would come down and release all hell on them. He was _afraid_ and wasn’t ready to allow himself such immense hope. 

Back to the cabinet, not only was it a reminder that he had failed his people, but all that he had lost as well. He lost his people. He wasn’t hero enough to bring them back. He lost his chance of bringing them back. He lost the _only_ person who Charlie had ever loved romantically. The cabinet was why they broke up. Or at least, that was what Charlie believed to be true. The cabinet had always been a problem in their relationship, they argued about the cabinet and his culture _countless_ of times, but the last straw was him actually _using_ it. Matteusz was the _only_ one who left because he had used the cabinet. And that was why he was angry with Matteusz. He left. Charlie didn’t blame him but he was _angry_ , angry that Matteusz didn’t see that he _had_ to use it, yes, Charlie was now saying that he _had_ to use the Cabinet of Souls on the Shadowkin to save the world. He _had_ to do it. He left when Charlie needed him the most. Charlie couldn’t stand the sight of himself. He couldn’t stand to even _be_ himself. He was hurting so much and he needed someone there – someone he loved and trusted – and that person wasn’t there. 

Charlie kicked the cabinet. This was him being angry. This was all he would do. This was probably all he really could do. He wasn’t hurting anybody; he was only destroying the very thing that destroyed him. It tormented him, taunted him, it _reminded_ him of all the things he wanted to move on from. He kicked it. Repeatedly. This was how he was going to move the fuck on with his life. He was going to kick the shit out of this fancy, blue, cold, _pointless_ cabinet. It was certainly a start. 

He heard something. He felt something. Right, he was being tugged away. For a moment, he let himself be tugged away, and Matteusz pulled him _feet away_ from the cabinet. Matteusz held on to him tightly, both arms wrapped around his arms and waist, keeping his arms stuck by his sides. He only kept him like that for a second, probably knowing that he needed to give Charlie his space. He put himself in Charlie’s view, attempting to block him from the cabinet. “What are you doing?!” Matteusz’s voice was filled with worry and concern. His hands kept coming up to Charlie’s face but he didn’t touch him. His hesitantly rested his hands on Charlie’s shoulders, hoping that the boy would look at him. 

“I want it gone!” He cried. Charlie wiped at his face. He didn’t even know he was crying. He had never looked more like a boy. That was all he was in the end. A boy. In the end, they were all just kids, and they knew that, except sometimes it never seemed like Charlie was. The way he acted was almost adult like. He had little knowledge on pop culture like an elder would. And the things he has done weren’t something that teenagers did. How he treated Quill was _definitely_ something that many people couldn’t imagine a 17-year-old doing. They all knew how old Charlie was, but sometimes it never really felt like he was a 17-year-old boy. He was raised as and to be a prince, and according to Charlie’s parents, that meant that he wasn’t a human being. He was a figurehead. A “piece of property to be used for the good of the country.” He was never raised to be _a person._ He was never raised to experience emotions. He was never to fall in love or to be loved, romantically or platonically that just wasn’t an option. He was a boy – he was a person – he was upset and angry. 

“ _Why_?” Matteusz asked, his voice was breaking as he spoke. It was all Charlie had left from Rhodia. Matteusz never liked the cabinet, he had made that clear many times, but it was all Charlie had left from his home. It had meant so much to him and Matteusz didn’t want him to get rid of it because he worried that Charlie would regret it. His hands had slid up to gently cup Charlie’s neck, keeping their eyes locked. 

“I _hate_ it,” He screamed. He wasn’t screaming at Matteusz, he was shrieking at the cabinet. Matteusz noticed Charlie shifting his weight from foot to foot, clearly wanting to storm back over and kick the shit out of the cabinet, but he didn’t. Matteusz was in front of him. He would never hurt Matteusz they both knew that. That was why Matteusz had put himself between Charlie and the cabinet. As much as Charlie said he hated it, as much as he wanted it gone, he would never barge through Matteusz to get to it.

It didn’t make sense to Matteusz. None if it did. It meant so much to Charlie, when did he being to hate it? _Why_ did he hate it? Why did he give it to the Doctor? Why did he want it destroyed? 

“Why?” He repeated the question. Tears fell from Charlie’s eyes. He was shaking so much. 

“It ruined _everything_ ,” He cried softly. “I lost everything! I told you that I would and you didn’t believe me! I told you I would and then I did! Not only that, I _failed_! I _killed_ my people!”  

Matteusz shook his head frantically. “You didn’t lose everything,” He tried to reassure him. They were all here for him. 

“You _left_!” _Now_ Charlie was yelling at Matteusz. “I needed you and you _left_!” He stepped back from Matteusz, furthering himself from his touch. “I don’t blame you for leaving, I understand _why_ you did, but you weren’t _there_! You were hardly there at all! You _moved_ out for fucks sake! _You_ couldn’t be anywhere near me for _months_! How was that not losing you?” He could feel that his face was red. He was yelling so much. He was crying so much. He had exhausted himself with kicking the cabinet. “I _had_ to use the cabinet! There wasn’t any other way, Matteusz! No one wishes that there were another way more than me! I lost my people. I _knew_ that I would lose myself! And…and you weren’t there to find me!” Charlie stopped, and softly he choked out,”I _knew_ that I would lose you.”

That was the promise, a promise that Matteusz made. Charlie said that he was lost. Not only was he lost about the question whether or not to use the cabinet, but he knew that he would be lost afterwards if he _did_ use it. Charlie was right. He was lost. And Charlie was right about him breaking his promise to him. They had many broken promises between them, and Matteusz hated that he broke that one. He felt horrible. His blood ran cold, he felt cold, like a bucket of ice had been dumped onto him. It was very well possible that a bucket of ice cold water was dumped at him, Quill was inside after all and she would have a laugh while doing something like that, but no. That feeling was just him. He felt heavy, like a weight was dropped onto him, a heavy realization. 

Charlie wiped the running snot off his face. “The cabinet was why you broke up with me, correct?” Like all teenagers, he was insecure, especially about his personality. He wanted to ensure that it was the reason why Matteusz broke up with him was because of the cabinet, not because he wasn’t human enough. Matteusz slowly nodded his head. “Do you want to help me kick the cabinet?” He asked, wiping away the tears on his face. 

That sucked Mattesuz back into the situation. Matteusz was upset, and he could be upset while he was asking Charlie questions, but he couldn’t stand by and just watch. He couldn’t do that. He stepped closer to Charlie and thankfully he didn’t step away. “Do you really want it gone?” He asked, lowering his head a bit to meet Charlie’s level. He looked up to meet Matteusz’s eyes and he nodded his head. He looked so small then. Charlie was staring down at the ground, tears falling down his face. His bare feet were visible underneath his jeans that weren’t rolled up for once. He looked ashamed, like a child being scorned. “Why did you give it to the Doctor?” He asked next, voice softer than before. He didn’t want to make Charlie feel like he was interrogating him. Charlie hadn’t stopped crying but his eyes welled up with tears, making it obvious that the question was upsetting. Well, not upsetting, just more personal. “You don’t have to answer,” He told him, hand coming up to gently squeeze Charlie’s arm. 

Neither of them meant to upset one another. Matteusz felt that he needed to ask the question because no one had asked it before. It was worth a try, but he never wanted to upset Charlie. He never wanted to. Charlie was experiencing an outburst. A symptom of PTSD was difficulty in expressing emotions and/or avoiding them. That was one of Charlie’s symptoms. He needed an alien rock to get him to say that he loved Matteusz, and he needed the mindset of thinking that he was going to die to say it again. It went from something as simple as that, to something as big as him explaining his anger and sadness and neglect. He had been pushed so far that now it was all spilling out. Well not all of it, but it was more than he ever wanted to say, more than he ever anticipated to say. He never meant to upset Matteusz during this outburst. He never meant to be as aggressive as he was (i.e. kicking the cabinet). It just happened and Charlie couldn’t control it. 

“I don’t want to be alone anymore.” His voice was so quiet; his words almost came out as a whimper. His shoulders were shaking as he cried. Slowly, very slowly, Matteusz took Charlie by the hand. He waited a moment, giving him a chance to back away, but the boy nodded his head. Matteusz pulled him in closer, then slowly wrapped his arms around the smaller boy. He cupped the back of Charlie’s head with his right hand and held his head close to his body like he used to do, and his other arm was wrapped around Charlie’s shoulders loosely. Charlie’s arms slowly, _very_ slowly, came around and hugged Matteusz back. Matteusz stroked his hair and his back as Charlie sobbed into his chest. He didn’t say anything; sometimes it was best not to say anything. Sometimes all a person needed was to be held while they cried. They wanted to be listened to and they wanted to be comforted. 

The hug was a bit gross to say the least. They had been chopping wood for who knew how long, and then he had to practically wrestle Charlie away from the cabinet. They were sweaty and smelly and it wasn’t exactly the best hug in the world, but neither cared. Charlie held on and cried, and Matteusz held onto to him in fear that he would lose him if he let go. Some moments Charlie would fall quiet and it would sound like he wasn’t crying anymore, but then right after that it would get worse. He would hiccup as he sobbed and it was heartbreaking. He didn’t know how long they stood there holding one another.

After a while, Charlie had calmed down, but he hadn’t let go of Matteusz and he hadn’t let go of Charlie. “If I didn’t destroy the cabinet, my soul would be stuck in there when I die,” Charlie explained, voice weak. He sniffed before continuing. “I would be in there all alone. I was alone on Rhodia and I’ve felt so alone these past few months. I don’t want to be alone anymore, Matteusz. I don’t want the cabinet anymore,” He said calmly. 

“Okay.” Matteusz nodded his head. To make sure, he asked, “You’re sure you won’t ever want it again?”

“Why would I want something that brought me nothing but misery,” He answered. He didn’t look up at Matteusz; he continued to stare to the side. Matteusz nodded his head. 

“What do you want to do with it?” He asked, looking down at his blonde head. 

“I think I already broke it,” He answered. He let go of Matteusz and they both turned to look at it. It wasn’t shattered, no the cabinet was pretty strong, but the doors were off and it had been broken in half. It wasn’t shattered but it wasn’t even a cabinet anymore. “We can just throw it away,” Charlie said. He finally looked at him. His face was red, her eyes were puffy and bloodshot, and the left side of his face was _so_ red but that was because that was the side of his face that had been resting on Matteusz’s chest for who knew how long. Matteusz looked down at his chest to find a red imprint from where Charlie’s face was. That got a smile out of the alien boy. 

“I’ll go get a trash bag,” Charlie said before turning around to head back inside. Matteusz stayed outside in the yard and started to pick up the chunks to the cabinet. He put them in a pile and waited on the grass for Charlie to come back out. Once the other boy came out with a trash bag, the two instantly put it away in the trash bag. Matteusz and Charlie circled around the house to the trash bin and threw it in. “I’m going to go get in the shower,” Charlie told Matteusz once they were inside. “You can rinse off after me, if you want,” Charlie offered. Matteusz nodded his head and accepted. Charlie went upstairs to the bathroom, leaving Matteusz downstairs with Miss Quill. 

“You don’t think he’ll want it back?” He asked her. She has been around Charlie more than him. Perhaps she would know. 

“He’s been fine without it for these past few months, he’ll be fine without it for the rest of his life.” She raised her cup to her lips and took a sip of her coffee.  

Matteusz wanted to run. He felt like he needed to. He felt like he should go back to Tanya’s and think about everything that had happened. He felt sick. His stomach was twisting up, he felt like he as going to throw up. He buried his face in his hands and breathed in deeply, hoping to calm himself down before the feeling got worse. He couldn’t leave, he shouldn’t leave, leaving during the middle all of this would only make the situation worse, and Matteusz would only feel horrible about it later. 

_Fuck!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're welcome! :)
> 
> I don't know when the next update will be coming. Comments would be amazing, thanks!


	17. Do I Love You? Yes I Do. Fuck! I Didn't Mean To Say That Out Loud!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie and Matteusz have a heart to heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't like this chapter but I hope you guys do!

It was a heavy feeling. Matteusz felt like falling to the floor, he supposed it was a good thing that he was lying down. That was what they were doing. Charlie and Matteusz were lying down on Charlie’s bed. It was getting late; Charlie said that he could spend the night. Well it wasn't _too_ late. It was about 7 o'clock. For obvious reasons, he wasn’t going to be sleeping in the bed. The couch downstairs was a pull out one that he could sleep on. The only reason why they were lying on the bed was because they were tired and they didn’t want to have this conversation out in the open on the couch. Charlie’s room was a space just for the two of them. It felt weird to sit in the chairs down below. They were far apart from each other and Matteusz couldn’t picture them sitting in two chairs, having this conversation. 

It wasn’t late when Matteusz walked over to the house, it wasn’t even noon, but they spent about an hour chopping wood, then Charlie had his break down, then they both washed up, then they both ate lunch, and then the two hung out on the couch and watched television. Matteusz was replaying the day’s events in his head, letting Charlie’s words sink in, while Charlie almost immediately passed out on the couch. He had exhausted himself far too much. He tried to fight it, but Matteusz had given him the okay and the boy instantly fell asleep. 

For _hours_ , Matteusz listened to the shows that were playing on the television but he wasn’t paying attention. It was just background noise like static. He was too busy thinking. He was too busy _feeling_. He was beginning to think that maybe it was best to listen to what his heart said. With every passing second, he felt worse. The impact of it was great, and it hurt so much. He hadn’t expected it, which is probably why it hurt as much as it did. He was vulnerable. He didn’t see it coming. It hurt to be told that he did something that he never _intended_ to do, although now that he thought about it he could see that it was true. He felt guilty and a bit angry. He felt ambushed, like Charlie had invited him over only to yell at him. He knew that he didn’t. Charlie couldn’t plan a break down and he wouldn’t want to. Everything that was said to Matteusz was in no way planned or anticipated, it just poured of Charlie. It was word vomit. Still, he would be lying if he said it didn’t sting a little. 

He sat on the couch for hours, thinking and thinking, until Charlie woke up. He was groggy and a bit out of it. By that time everyone was starting to get hungry, so they ordered in some pizza. While waiting, Charlie and Matteusz adventured back upstairs. They rested on the bed, their bodies were above the blankets and they weren’t touching one another. Matteusz was tired, but not enough to fall asleep. Charlie had just woken up from about a six-hour nap; he wasn’t going to fall asleep. Matteusz was on his back, staring up at the ceiling, Charlie was on his side, hands tucked underneath his face, and he stared at Matteusz. It wasn’t like an intense stare; it was more like he just happened to be staring at Matteusz.

He breathed in deeply. “How did you feel after I broke up with you?” 

That was what made their whole relationship complicated. It was the break up. It was where most of Charlie’s anger was coming from. Well that and the move out. It was what left Matteusz so miserable after every encounter with Charlie. He wanted to be with him but he couldn't. They never talked about the break up. Never. Both Charlie and Matteusz’s feelings about it went unsaid. When it was happening, it hurt. They knew that they loved each other. Charlie knew that Matteusz breaking up with him was out of fear, not because he didn’t love him. Matteusz never said how much the break up hurt and neither did Charlie. So here was his attempt to get everything out in the open. Maybe that was what they needed to do. 

He turned his head to look at Charlie. His eyes were open, they weren’t wide, and they weren’t narrow. Their eyes met. It was something gentle. They understood each other. They knew what certain looks meant. This meant that they were safe with talking to one another. Whatever it was, however much it hurt to say or hear, they would listen. They’ve had conversations like these before. They had plenty concerning the cabinet and Miss Quill. Matteusz said plenty of things that Charlie hated but he listened anyway. 

“I felt horrible,” Charlie mumbled. His eyes broke away from Matteusz’s and they stared at the end of the bed, causing his eyelids to fall over his eyes. He shifted uncomfortably in his spot. Charlie didn’t want to elaborate on it. ‘Horrible’ was generally a broad feeling, but it was true nonetheless. He felt horrible but he had days to brace himself for the break up. He knew it was coming. He could feel Matteusz staring at him like there was more to say. Perhaps there was. Charlie sighed and drew out specifics. “I was hurt. I was angry. I wanted us to work through it like we always did but we didn’t. We couldn’t.” Short answers. That was all he could do right now. His eyes slowly flickered up to look at Matteusz.  “What about you?” 

Matteusz sighed. “I felt horrible as well. I was so confused and I didn’t know what to do. Breaking up seemed like the only option at the time.” _At the time,_ if he had waited, Matteusz didn’t know if he would’ve broken up with him. He left only to end up regretting it. He ended up hurting himself and Charlie. He hurt himself by putting himself through this stress, pining, and heartbreak. His heart wanted to stay with Charlie and he neglected that desire. Now, now they were in a touch spot, and Matteusz was worried that they might not be able to fix it. “I hated doing it. It hurt so much that I wanted to stop. I cried my eyes out afterwards.” 

“Did you want to do it?” Charlie asked in return. He was well aware of Matteusz’s feelings for him. Not only that, but Matteusz was talking like the break up was more of an obligation. Charlie knew why Matteusz broke up with him. He knew the logic behind it – or he _believed_ that he knew the logic behind it – but he wanted him to say it, to possibly ensure him that he was correct. He was constantly worried that perhaps he was wrong. That maybe he was coming up with theories to ease himself. 

Matteusz bit down on his bottom lip out of nervous behavior, the truth had to be said. “I convinced myself that I did.” He did. He was so confused and torn that he went with what was logical. He told himself that it was the smart and _only_ decision to make. He hoped that he would believe it one day. 

Charlie’s body sank into the bed. He hadn’t realized that he had been holding his breath. He felt like that meant something. It probably did mean something and Charlie just didn’t want to dwell on it. It was Matteusz owning up to the fact that he didn’t want to do it. It was brains but no heart. He felt that he had to but never _wanted_ to do it. He was frightened and confused and chose the most logical option, believing that in time his feelings for Charlie would fade away. He wasn’t expecting this to be the outcome. 

Could this quite possibly lead to something else? To something that both of had missed? Would they be able to find each other? It felt like a step towards that direction. 

“I am sorry about earlier today,” Charlie apologized. He knew that he probably should’ve started the conversation with that but Matteusz started asking so Charlie started answering. At least he apologized. Honestly if he weren’t so groggy and tired then he probably would’ve been panicking over what happened. He felt guilty. Matteusz came over at his requested and he lost his temper. He didn’t mean to upset him or make him feel like he was being attacked. He didn’t mean to do it, it just happened. 

“It is fine,” Matteusz shrugged it off even though he had only been feeling a tad bit angry about it for the past few hours. Charlie puffed and had given a knowing a look. Matteusz responded to that look with a mini eye roll. Yeah, they knew each other well. “It _will_ be fine,” He changed his response, it would be okay. 

“Are you upset?” Charlie mumbled. His voice was quiet and soft, it wasn’t a grumpy mumble, it was a sincere question from a person who had woken up from a long nap who might actually be able to fall back asleep, in other words, a sleepy person. 

He shrugged his shoulders. “A bit.” This wasn’t a time to lie. 

He nodded his head, understanding why he felt like that. He had the right to feel hurt and upset as much as everyone else did. Charlie felt awful for making Matteusz feel awful and vice versa. 

“I’m sorry for upsetting you,” Charlie apologized again. “You were just trying to help and I lost my temper. I was angry and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” 

“Thank you,” Matteusz accepted the apology. “I feel guilty more than anything else.” Charlie opened his mouth to say something but Matteusz stopped him. “Do you really feel that way?” He watched as Charlie’s mouth slowly closed. Hesitantly the boy nodded his again. “Then you do not have to apologize for that,” He said. “It would’ve nicer to find out a different way, sure, but never apologize for how you feel, okay?” 

“Okay,” Charlie whispered. 

Plenty of times, probably too many times, Matteusz has seen people apologize for their emotions and the way they feel. Matteusz wasn’t going to apologize for the way he felt after being yelled at and Charlie shouldn’t apologize for the things he said, not if they were true. Matteusz wished Charlie had told him sooner and in a different way but he was glad to know. Honesty was what determined the fate of relationships. They heal or break apart; Matteusz could only hope that they could start healing after this. 

“What happened after I left?” He never knew what happened around here. He called Charlie, telling him that if Miss Quill hurt him then he wanted to know, and Charlie promised that he would say something, and that was the end of the phone call. Besides Matteusz asking for the occasional update, he never actually knew anything that went on within this house. 

“Nothing much,” Charlie answered. “Well, except Quill having Andrea, that was chaotic, but other than that, things have fairly uneventful around here. It’s a bit boring actually.”

Matteusz had trouble picturing that. When he lived here, not a day passed by where something didn’t happen. There were days where he would have spend time explaining what something was to the two aliens. It would sometimes take a few minutes or longer, nevertheless, it happened and it was something that he never thought he would have to do. There were days where Charlie and Miss Quill got into arguments. They weren’t big arguments, Matteusz was usually able to intervene and diffuse the situation. And other days there were, you know, aliens that they had to deal with. He never would have said that the house was boring. 

“We tend to just stick to ourselves,” Charlie elaborated. 

“Do you not talk much?” He referred to Charlie and Quill. 

“A few times, but not often, and when we do they usually they aren’t long conversations.”

Here was the other big question. He inhaled deeply before asking. “How did you feel after I moved out?”

“Alone,” He answered. “I thought that you were going to stay. I thought that even though we couldn’t work out the problems in our relationship, we could at least still be friends. I still wanted you to be in my life.” Charlie inhaled a shaky breath. His eyes were burning, he was so sick of crying. He knew that crying was good for the soul but he was sick of it. He was tired of getting a runny nose and seeing his red puffy face in the mirror afterwards. “I felt so lost. And I…I don’t know,” He said. “It felt like you didn’t want to have anything to do with me.” 

It was a brutal thing to feel, say, and hear, but it was the truth. He felt like he lost someone that day. Matteusz was alive and well but Charlie had felt like he had lost him for forever. The rest of his feelings from that day were difficult to put into words. There were many things that he could say but didn’t want to say. None of it applied to Matteusz, it all applied to himself. 

His words broke Matteusz’s heart, and it _hurt_. For so many reasons it hurt. Matteusz _loved_ him. Even when they argued, even when he was gone for six days, even as they were apart now, he had always wanted to be with him. He too wanted them to be in each other lives. But he supposed that his actions didn’t speak for his feelings on that. 

A part of him wondered how long Charlie had felt like that. How long did Matteusz leave him feeling like that? He never wanted Charlie to feel like that but his intentions didn’t quite matter here. That was how Charlie felt, with or without his intentions. 

It worsened his guilt. He was upset and guilty and more than anything he wanted to hold Charlie and apologize to him. He could do it. He _would_ do it, but he was scared that everything that Charlie said to him wasn’t all of it. And what if there was more to say? Matteusz knew that it was best for Charlie to say it and for him to listen so they could figure out where to move on but he was afraid how he would handle it. 

He felt like an absolute idiot. No one saw Charlie after he used the cabinet, no one but Matteusz. He saw what Charlie was like. He _knew_ how bad of a state he was in, and he _left_! He broke up with him and he moved out. And now…Now Matteusz didn’t even know if all of his reasoning behind leaving was even worth it. He wasn’t sure of anything, and it was so fucking irritating! He was pining. He was no clearer on whether or not the cabinet was good. He…he just didn’t know. He was starting to not even care anymore. And Charlie’s words were ringing in his ears: _“I_ ** _had_** _to use the cabinet! There wasn’t any other way, Matteusz! No one wishes that there were another way more than me!”_ That happened only a few hours ago and Matteusz was starting to wonder about it. While Charlie said that he had wanted to kill the Shadowkin, he hadn’t, not until it absolutely came down to it. It was too early to say he believed it, but it was something. He couldn’t explain it, but it moved something, and he had to think about it. 

Staying with someone for their mental health wasn’t a good thing to do. Ensuring their mental well being is a good thing to do, but there are other ways to do it, such as trying to get them professional help. Staying with someone under the idea that you could love their mental illness away is an unhealthy idea that is constantly perpetuated by social media and it’s impossible to do. It’s a difficult and painful lesson to learn, because despite it being impossible, some people wished it were true. Matteusz wouldn’t have stayed simply because of Charlie’s state, no, he knew better than to do that. Matteusz wouldn’t have stayed because of Charlie’s mental state, he would’ve stayed because he loved him, because he cared about him. He could never love Charlie’s depression away, he knew that, but that wasn’t going to stop him from loving him and being there for him. 

He said that he would’ve been there for Charlie because he loved him and yet he wasn’t. He couldn’t say many reasons why except that it was because he was afraid. That was the root of it all for him: fear. He wished he hadn’t been afraid to reach out to Charlie. He wished he had done plenty different when it came to ex-boyfriend. He was recovering from his near death experience with Corakinus. He felt the knife on his throat for days after. He was recovering from seeing his boyfriend at the time kill someone - their friend - right in from of him. He was recovering from the shrieking voice in his head that called Charlie a murderer. He was frightened of what would become of himself had he stayed with Charlie _after_ using the cabinet. He afraid of contacting Charlie after he moved out, a part of it was that they were both still recovering and he was afraid of upsetting Charlie and himself, another part of it was that he was afraid that his feelings would reawaken. Not that they ever needed to be reawakened, they had never faded. 

That was all there was to it, fear, and an overwhelming amount of it. His decision to break up with Charlie was understandable, but it didn’t stop him from feeling guilty and for feeling like an idiot for leaving. 

Fear was a complicated emotion, sometimes good, sometimes bad. It challenged people. It had the ability to make people stronger, braver, smarter, etc. It also possessed the ability to make people the opposite of all those qualities. It could make them stronger but it could make them weaker as well. It could lead to a person making poor decisions as well as good and thorough decisions. 

Matteusz has faced so many fears in his lifetime, aliens being an unexpected one. He faced his parents. He faced them knowing full well how they would react. He faced that fear and everything that came afterwards. He faced every argument. He faced everything single thing his parents said and did to him. He did it. He fucking did it. It hurt like hell but he won that war. Matteusz got to be Matteusz, that was always the endgame. 

He stared death in the face almost weekly with every single alien that slipped through the crack. Every week was a question of whether he would live or die, and whether or not his friends would live or die as well. It was a fear he faced weekly and every week he made it out alive. Matteusz didn't know if he was exceedingly lucky or it was because he didn't want to die. It was fear of death and the wish to keep living that kept him alive and fighting. He knew that it didn't and couldn't always work that way. One day, there could be a time where he was fatally injured and he wouldn't be able to recover, despite his fear and wish. Death is unexpected. You can give a good fight and still end up dead, that was unfortunately how the world worked, but that fear and/or wish can keep a person fighting a good fight. It didn't matter which motive it was but it kept a person fighting and that was always good. That fear and wish kept him motivated, kept him fighting.

Fear was difficult and it was overwhelming. There were battles that were more difficult than others, and there were battles that were easier. Sometimes the battles that should’ve been easier, were in fact harder to face. Sometimes the larger and more intimidating battles were easier to win. He left Charlie so he could breathe for a moment. Evaluate the situation, and hopefully, diffuse this drowning feeling. He was so tired after the Shadowkin, everyone was. He tried facing his fear but it wasn’t the time to do so. He felt like a failure, even thought he wasn’t. Anytime you face your fear is a win, even if you didn’t defeat it, at least you attempted to. That was a start. Matteusz knew that, but he felt like a failure for letting it get to him, even though he shouldn’t.

“I don’t blame you,” Charlie whispered to him, pulling him out of his thoughts. Matteusz met his eyes they were open and gentle. Charlie was angry with him for leaving, he had the right to be, but he never blamed Matteusz for his decision. “I know why you did it. I understand why you moved out.” That was a different choice in wording. It wasn’t ‘left’ it was ‘moved out.’ They were similar and yet so different. It was a more comforting phrase to use, one that would bring less guilt. 

“But I…” Matteusz choked up. His eyes were burning now. He felt so horrible, so guilty, his head hurt, he was so confused, so conflicted, and he had no clue what to do. “I love you. So much,” He added. “I never meant to make you feel that way. I never wanted to leave you.” 

“I know,” Charlie said gently, placing his hand on Matteusz’s bicep. His thumb stroked over the skin on his arm. 

“I was just scared,” He admitted. 

“I know,” Charlie said again, gently squeezing arm. 

“I missed you so much,” He confessed, wanting to make sure that Charlie knew how he felt about him. He meant so much to Matteusz. “I really did. I know I needed a bit of space but I never meant to completely stop talking to you. I don’t know how it happened but it just did. I was so confused and I didn’t know what to do. And I’m so sorry, Charlie, I’m so sorry I made you feel that way.” 

“It will be fine,” He quoted Matteusz’s words from earlier. 

Charlie scooted closer, only about an inch, this way the top of his head was pressed against Matteusz’s arm. Matteusz hadn’t realized all that he said. He hadn’t realized yet that he confessed his love for Charlie for the first time in months. He felt it and he thought it, but he didn’t quite mean to say it. It slipped out from his lips. He would realize it. In the morning he would. Charlie knew all of this. He knew Matteusz meant it and hearing those words made his chest bloom and Charlie wanted to kiss him, but he couldn’t. Matteusz was unsure of himself and their relationship, they weren’t together. Charlie couldn’t kiss him and he couldn’t say it back. Well, actually, he _could_ say it but it would be too hard for him. He couldn’t do it, not if they were going to continue being friends. That was just how it was.

**That Next Morning…**

Matteusz was leaving. He had been woken up by Miss Quill making coffee, and shortly after Charlie had come downstairs to join them. Breakfast was quiet, _extremely_ quiet. Matteusz wanted to sprint into another room it was so awkward. He knew why him and Charlie weren’t speaking, but he didn’t know about Miss Quill. She might’ve liked watching the two of them occasionally squirm around in the silence. She squinted her eyes at them every now and then, tongue poking at the inside of her cheek. 

After breakfast, Matteusz had put his clothes back on, and was ready to leave. Charlie noticed this. He put on his slippers and walked Matteusz outside. Once Charlie had closed the front door, Matteusz turned around to talk to him. “I told you I loved you last night,” He said. 

Charlie nodded his head. “You did.” 

“It’s true,” He said. “I really do love you – I love you _so_ much.”

“I know.” Charlie had crossed his arms over his chest. He was staring down at his feet, avoiding Matteusz.

“I just…” He started. He hated what he was about to say so much. After everything that happened, after yesterday, he hated these words so goddamn much. He didn’t want to say it but he didn’t want to be with Charlie with this much uncertainty and doubt inside him. That still didn’t stop him from feeling horribly guilty about it. “I don’t know if I can be with you yet.” 

“I know that too,” Charlie said, shuffling his foot around. 

“I’m sorry,” He apologized. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Charlie said. He wouldn’t look at Matteusz. He knew that this was coming, like everything else in the relationship he knew it was coming. He just hoped that it wasn’t the end for them completely. Thankfully, Matteusz knew that it wasn’t. 

“Can I hug you?” Matteusz asked. His voice was distressed. Charlie nodded his head. Matteusz took one step forward and swung his arms around Charlie. He held him close and held him tightly. “I’ll see you tomorrow at school, okay?” Matteusz broke apart and his eyes met Charlie’s. “I promise.” 

He hugged him one last time, shutting his eyes tightly. He didn’t want Charlie to think that he didn’t want anything to do with him. He wanted to see him the next day and he wanted to have a conversation about some random topic. He wanted that. He wanted to see Charlie whenever he could. He never wanted him to think otherwise. “I’ll text you later,” He told him. Charlie nodded his head. “Bye,” He said, slowly backing away from him. 

“Bye,” Charlie said quietly. He almost let that be the end of their conversation but he spoke up. “Wait!” Charlie shouted, stepping back towards him. “I did have to do it,” He argued. “I had to use the Cabinet of Souls.”

He had no say in Matteusz’s decision to be with him but he was going to say one thing and it was that. The truth. Slowly and quietly he mumbled, “I’ll see you at school.” Then he disappeared inside the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback as usual is greatly appreciated and I really need it right now guys.


	18. Should I Get Some Glow In The Dark Ceiling Stickers?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I won't call this a chapter because of how short it is but I just wrote something short. I am also using this as an opportunity to say that I am extremely mad and frustrated with myself and I have been dealing with my low self-esteem issues so I might need to take a step back from this fic. I despised my last chapter and the lack of feedback on it wasn't exactly a confidence booster. I'll still write but I need to take a few days off. I am upset and pissed with myself and I just need a little break.

He stared up at the starry landscape above his bed. His head rested at the end of the bed while his feet rested up on the pillows at the top. He hadn’t cried. His eyes burned a little but no tears blurred his vision. He didn’t want to cry again. He wanted to get lost in the stars. He did not know why. When he entered his room he had planned to do his homework. That was what he always did to distract himself but his eyes fell upon the starry landscape and he was drawn to it. It was his favorite thing in the room. He liked stars. They reminded him of space, the Doctor, and Rhodia. It brought an odd, comforting feeling to him. He wished he had more stars. He hated how they only showed up at night. He hated how stars were only outside. He wished he could stare up at his ceiling and see them. He hated having to go outside in the cold to see them in all their glory. He did it occasionally. He would put on pajamas, socks, and jackets, and he would wrap himself up in almost all of the blankets in his closet and he would go outside and look up at them. He would rest his head on a pillow and he would stare up at the stars. It was nice, but it was far too cold to actually sleep outside underneath them.

Perhaps he should do that. Perhaps Charlie should _actually_ put stars in his room. It was an odd thing to feel and to suddenly think up but it calmed him. A soothing feeling washed over him when he thought about stars. He should do it. It was probably better to look up at the stars and do some light thinking than to bury himself in work. He grabbed his phone from beside him and searched “glow in the dark ceiling stars.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will probably update in AT LEAST a week, maybe two weeks, but I won't post any sooner than a week.


	19. Do You Think Charlie Had To Use The Cabinet?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteusz and Tanya have a little chit chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with this short chapter.

Life went on, as it does. Weeks had gone by. Matteusz kept his promise to Charlie. What happened didn’t change anything. They talked. A lot. They chatted at school, which was now out so they had just been meeting up; they conversed via text, phone, and FaceTime. They talked plenty on their own. Many times it was just the two of them. During their conversations, Charlie would wonder what was going through his head. He wondered if perhaps he was thinking about what to do about Charlie? Had he thought about what Charlie said? Had he been thinking about the cabinet? Charlie knew he shouldn’t dwell on such things because Matteusz ended up leaving him the next morning after confessing his love instead of kissing him. There was a chance – a large chance – that he would never want to be with Charlie. There was just something that told Charlie that his words got through to Matteusz. Maybe it was just wishful thinking. 

He wondered if the rest of their group knew what happened. Charlie hadn’t told April. He wasn’t sure if he should. It wasn’t like the situation with Quill it was more about privacy. He thought that what happened between him and Matteusz should stay between him and Matteusz. He didn’t think it would be appropriate to go talking about what happened without consulting Matteusz about it first. 

Matteusz hadn’t spoken about it either. Tanya had asked what all happened and he said nothing much. He couldn’t tell if she knew he was lying or not. If she did, then thankfully she had left him alone. He was planning on speaking to Tanya about Charlie and the cabinet. He wasn’t going to tell her what happened that day and night but he wanted to ask. 

It was like Charlie asking April what she thought he deserved. It was a desire to hear another person’s thoughts and see if they aligned with his own. Matteusz _knew_ that Tanya had different thoughts on the cabinet and he wanted to hear them. There was a chance that it would help. He wanted to see the point of view of a person who wanted to use the cabinet. Maybe ‘wanted’ wasn’t the right word but it was the only word he was coming up with. Maybe she hadn’t wanted to use it before but her mother’s death was the breaking point. Then she felt like they had to use it. She was more affected by the Shadowkin than him. Her thoughts on the cabinet might shed some light. 

The two were sitting in the living room. The windows were dark, the night sky and the stars filling it up. Tanya was doing something on her computer. Matteusz didn’t know what, it could be anything honestly. She could be trying to hack into UNIT. She could just be playing a game. He had no clue. He knew what he was about to say would be suspicious since it would be out of nowhere. The house was so quiet his question was going to be noticeable. 

“Do you think Charlie had to use the cabinet of souls?” He sighed. She looked up from her computer to look at him. 

“You do remember that I was the one who took it out of his room, right?” She asked in return, eyebrows furrowed in confusion of the question. Because why was this coming up? Why now, why not sooner? 

“Yes,” He nodded his head. “But do you really think that he _had_ to do it? That there really wasn’t another way?”

“If there was another way then there wasn’t enough time to find it,” She answered. “And if we found that way, there was a high chance that the Shadowkin would’ve found a way back and we would’ve been stuck in that situation again or worse. They always found a way back.” She closed her laptop. “There wasn’t time to find another way, Matteusz. I wasn’t going to lose my brother’s too.”

He nodded his head. “Why are you asking?” Tanya said. 

“Charlie said that he had to,” He answered. “And I don’t know.” He shifted uncomfortably on the couch. “I guess a part of me worried about believing it. Or I didn’t know if I _should_ believe it.”

“You should,” Tanya said. “It’s true. They would’ve killed us all if Charlie hadn’t used it. And they would’ve destroyed other planets as well. They started with Rhodia, and then came here. If he hadn’t used the cabinet, they would’ve gone on to other planets and destroyed them as well.” 

So there it was. It had all been said. It had all been laid out. Everything that Charlie wanted to say to Matteusz but hadn’t. It was everything that had been laid out in front of Charlie as well. It had been said to him before and after using the cabinet. It was said so he would understand why he needed to do it and it had been said again for comfort. That was what Matteusz needed to hear. He needed to hear to make his decision. He could go on denying it and never be with Charlie. Or he could listen to Tanya and Charlie, accept the situation and the prices that had to be paid to survive, and he could be with him. 

He had heard it all. It was up to him to decide whether or not to go after Charlie. It was up to him to decide what it would make Matteusz if he decided to be with him. 

“I’m in love with him,” He confessed to her. They had never talked about Charlie. He took in a shaky breath and ran his hand over his face. His eyes were burning and he felt like he was shaking out of fear instead excitement. He looked at Tanya who had a confused expression on her face. Why was this love confession so upsetting, she wondered. “And I want to be with him.”

Goddamn, love was a riddle? “Okay?” She said, still confused. “And that’s bad because?” 

Matteusz took in a deep breath. “I think he’s a good person. I mean, you know, he has some screwed morals but he’s a good person, and I love him. And I don’t know… There’s this part in my head that keeps thinking that logically he’s a monster, and if I’m with him I’m just as bad, but my heart doesn’t say the same thing, and I’m just so confused.” 

“Oh,” She said. She placed her laptop on the table and scooted closer to Matteusz. She awkwardly patted his arm. It was more of a “there, there” moment that is often seen on comedies. She thought she was good with advice but in this case she didn’t know what to say. A part of her wanted to roll her eyes, because why would he tell her about this? It wasn’t like she knew what a relationship was like. She hadn’t been with anyone. She honestly hadn’t thought much about being with anyone. “Do you want to be with him?” She asked. She would think that that would matter more than anything in a relationship. 

He nodded his head. She breathed out. “Charlie’s not a monster for using the cabinet,” She said. “And you’re _definitely_ not one for wanting to be with him. If you want to be with him then you should tell him that.” 

That was it. That was all she said. She couldn’t think of anything else to say and that was all Matteusz wanted to hear. He felt at ease hearing those words. It helped probably more than it should. He believed it almost too easily. The reason why her words worked so easily was because a part of Matteusz, the part he ignored, already knew that. Hearing it out loud from a friend he trusted gave him some confidence to start believing in it, to be comfortable with it. Sometimes all people need is a little bit of reassurance. Should he have come to this conclusion all on his own? Probably, yes. But is he horrible to want a bit of support before arriving to it? No he isn’t. He is only human. People sometimes need a bit of support there was nothing wrong with that. 

Saying something like that couldn’t instantly convince someone and it didn’t. Matteusz had been questioning for _months_. He had first heard it _weeks_ beforehand. Tanya’s words about using the cabinet and her words about him and Charlie couldn’t have instantly convinced him. The fact that it _did_ convince him was proof that he had been thinking about hard it. That he had started to believe it. It just gave him another push. Nothing is instantaneous. Everything happens over time. This realization had slowly been creeping up on him for months. In his case, acceptance came afterwards. 

To be or not to be, it was all up to him. It was his decision and it was up to Charlie whether or not to take him back. He wanted to run to him like he was in some stupid, but cute, rom-con, but he needed to wait a few more days. Nothing drastic just a few days. He wanted to make sure that this was how he really felt. He couldn’t go to Charlie, confess his love _again_ , and then leave _again_. There were only so many times he could do it and there were only so many times Charlie could accept that kind of treatment. It was emotional and tiring for both of them. 

Of course, just because Matteusz got back together with him didn’t mean that they could never break up. They were only teenagers. They had no idea if they were really soulmates or not. Matteusz liked to think they were but he could never say for certain. Just because he got back together with Charlie, didn’t mean that they would never break up, _but_ he couldn’t do it because of the cabinet. He either accepted everything that happened with the cabinet or he didn’t, it was as simple as that. He couldn’t go to Charlie under the pretense that he had accepted it but then realize down the line that he hadn’t. It wasn’t right to hold that over his head, especially since Charlie was having trouble coping with what he did. It would be damaging to him. He didn’t want to do that. The cabinet was a valid reason for breaking up, but it was not something to use repeatedly. It would be unfair. 

Sometimes on television, there would be a pairing. Writers would want to make the relationship more real by having them go through some trouble. A common and annoying way to do this was by having one of the people in this pairing kiss another person that wasn’t their partner. When their partner finds out, they break up. Then the show goes into that ‘will they, won’t they' phase. Sometimes that pairing does get back together. Sometimes they claim that they have forgiven the other person and they start dating again. Then they break up because that person realizes that they were actually still angry about it. That’s valid. But sometimes it happens a few more times and then it just gets ridiculous. That person was either angry or not, they couldn’t continue to get back together with that person and then break up again. Not only was it annoying for viewers, but it wasn’t good for either of the characters. They had to either forgive the other person or not. It was okay to be angry but they couldn’t keep lying and saying that they did forgive them when really they didn’t. Matteusz couldn’t do that with Charlie.  

So he would wait and make sure of his feelings regarding Charlie and the cabinet. Make sure he was certain and confident. And if he was, then he planned on going up to Charlie, telling him how he really felt, and if he could, then he would kiss him.


	20. What Are You Watching?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteusz needs to talk to Charlie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized that I should probably create a little chapter in preparation for the next one.

Three weeks later...

**Matteusz:** Hey!

 

**Charlie:** Hi!

 

**Matteusz:** What are you doing?

 

**Charlie:** I’m watching tv. What about you?

 

**Matteusz:** Oh, what are you watching? And besides texting you, I am doing nothing.

 

**Charlie:** A show called Gilmore Girls. Ram recommended it to me.

 

**Matteusz:** I haven’t watched it.

 

**Charlie:** I like it.

 

**Matteusz:** I will certainly have to try it sometime.

 

**Charlie:**  :)

 

**Matteusz:** Are you doing anything tomorrow?

 

**Charlie:** No.

 

**Matteusz:** Would it be okay if I came over tomorrow? I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I just really need to talk to you.

 

**Charlie:** Yes, it’s okay. Are you alright?

 

**Matteusz:** I don’t know to be quite honest. I’ll probably feel better after I talk to you.

 

**Charlie:** Okay. What time should I be expecting you?

 

**Matteusz:** 12.

 

**Charlie:** Okay.

 

**Matteusz:** I’ll see you tomorrow! :)

**Charlie:** See you then! :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ram is a secret Gilmore Girls fan. If you haven't watch GG then you should, it's on Netflix!


	21. How Long Can I Drag This Out?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I wrote this but I hope you like it!

“Are we almost done yet?” The Prince asked from over her shoulder. Andra’ath rolled her eyes and kept silent, irritating Charles. To be fair, he was irritating her first. He waited for a moment before asking again. “Are we almost done?” 

She turned around to find him hunching over the shopping cart. His arms were crossed, resting on the handle and his chin sat on top of his arms. His back was bent because of his position, thus causing his knees to buckle in. He looked bored as hell. _Good_ , she thought to herself. 

“If you hate it so much then why don’t you leave?” She asked in return. 

“I’m trying to be helpful,” He answered.

 _More like trying to be annoying_ , she thought. The two were shopping. That much was obvious from the fact that Charlie was pushing around the shopping cart. She didn’t know why he decided to tag along. The two usually did their own separate shopping. When it came to necessities that is, like clothes and stuff. When it came to food, honestly either one of them just threw something in the cart for both of them. Still, she never tagged along for his shopping, and he never tagged along for hers. His presence was in no way helpful. He was distracted. He was either being reckless with the cart or had no idea how to push it, still, it didn’t change the fact that he looked spaced out while doing it. 

His intentions for being here weren’t exactly as pure as what he had made it out to be. Truth be told he just needed a distraction. He wanted to get out of the house. Matteusz had texted him the previous day, asking him if he could go over to Charlie’s place and speak with him. He didn’t say what about, he only said that he had been thinking and wanted to share his thoughts with Charlie. Matteusz didn’t give any hint about what he was thinking about either. It could quite possibly be anything. Matteusz being cryptic made Charlie nervous, so here he was at a shop trying to make himself less nervous. 

Suddenly a baby slapped his head, abruptly interrupting his stream of thought. Andrea was sitting in the baby seat of the cart. Charlie was surprised that it had taken her this long to do it. Hitting Charlie was one of her favorite pastimes. He didn’t mind of course seeing how she was a baby. It didn’t hurt at all. What did hurt was hair pulling, which was something that many babies did. She didn’t do that because she thought it was funny, Charlie knew that because she occasionally snatched at Quill’s hair as well as his, she just did it, for probably no reason at all. But back to the hitting, it made her laugh. Like a lot. And when she laughed, Quill chuckled as well. 

Andrea giggled and shrieked in the middle of the store as she patted the top of Charlie’s head. She went on for a while until she noticed them passing the toys aisles. She reached her arms out and squealed, and Charlie and Quill stopped at the same time. Their eyes met and Charlie turned the cart to go into the aisle. They slowly walked through it, briefly glancing at the objects on the shelves. Andrea turned her head to look at both sides. She made a loud noise to express her excitement and held her right arm out, pointing at the shelf. 

Quill looked at the shelf to see what she was pointing at. She grabbed the boxed toy off the shelf and threw it in the back of the cart. 

“I think those toys are for boys,” A woman said from the other end of the aisle. 

And fuck, wasn’t that a way to get someone to dislike you. She didn’t say anything in response to the woman. No, she pursed her lips ever so slightly (it looked like that pout she had given Charlie when she locked him in detention). She glanced around the rest of the aisle, shrugged her shoulders and tossed a few more “boys” toys into the cart. Andrea probably didn’t know what was going on – if she did then she wouldn’t remember – but she smiled as her mother threw more of the toys in the cart. She waved her hands up and down, which made her jump a little. Quill smirked as the woman gaped at her, and her and Charles walked away. 

 _This planet is ridiculous_ , she thought to herself. “These people and their priorities,” She sighed. “They need to get them sorted out.” Charles nodded his head in agreement. 

“What are these anyway?” Charlie glanced down into the cart, taking a look at all the toys she threw in. She shrugged her shoulders. One of them was a green, bulky figure. He looked mad. Charlie actually might have seen him on a poster at some point. He couldn’t remember what it was for. Another package held about five tiny cars and had “Hot Wheels” written on the top. The last package was quite large and it said “Lego” on it. The two aliens wrinkled their noses at the name. Neither of them had heard of it before. 

Quill flipped the box over only to see the warning label that informed the buyer that a child could choke on these pieces. She bit down on her lip, considering whether or not she should put the box back on the shelf. 

“I could keep it,” Charles said. She glared him with a small, confused expression on her face. “I mean, if you still plan on buying it,” He added. “And if that was okay.” It was her decision whether or not to buy it. It was her shopping trip. He looked like he was trying to pass himself off as disinterested but he was being more obvious than he realized. She tossed the box back in the cart. After a moment of silence, Charlie muttered thanks. It was quiet but loud enough for her to hear. She didn’t say anything in return. 

It felt pretty awkward. It was a nice moment but for the two of them it felt weird. It was a change in dynamic that they would have to get used to.

They walked around for a while longer then they bought everything and left. 

When they got home, the two quietly unpacked the groceries and put them up. Quill ripped open the box that held the green figure then handed to Andrea. Meanwhile Charles sat down at the kitchen table and unpacked the Lego box. There was a picture of a ship on the front of the box and another logo in one of the corners labeled “Star Wars.” The hell was a Star Wars? Neither of them knew. It looked fun. On the picture, it was shooting lasers. Lasers were exciting. They were good weapons as well. 

Charlie tipped over the box and poured everything out of it. His eyes widened at the amount of pieces that came out of the box. He unfolded the instructions, opened the bags, and began. 

It ended up being quite fun once he familiarized himself with the material It was a tad bit overwhelming since he had multiple parts to build and connect. They never had anything like it on Rhodia. If they did then Charlie never knew about it. He didn’t do many things like this as a child. He had his toys like most if not all of the other children but he never had a friend to play along with him. 

He drew a lot. Charlie thought that maybe that was how he got so good at drawing. He would draw in his spare time. Sometimes, even when he was supposed to be working on something else, he would still draw. That was how he procrastinated. It was really the only thing he enjoyed doing. It was something that everyone else did on their own. He knew he wasn’t missing out on anything. 

That was why he wanted to get this set. It would probably look weird to everyone else, seeing as how this product was in the children’s section of the shop, but he wanted to do something that he missed out on when he was younger. That and he needed a distraction.

It was when the doorbell rang that he stopped. He packed the bags back into the box and placed all that he had done on the counter. He approached the front door and opened it to find Matteusz. “Hi,” He greeted him. 

“Hey,” Matteusz smiled at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suddenly I just got the idea of Miss Quill, Charlie, and Andrea shopping together and I wanted to write it.


	22. Will You Take Me Back?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteusz and Charlie finally talk!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this chapter!

Matteusz was lightly bouncing on the doorstep. Charlie stepped aside, letting Matteusz inside the house. Before he had a chance to say or do anything, Matteusz took his hand and tugged him towards the stairs. Charlie picked up his feet and hurried beside him. The two sprinted up the stairs to Charlie’s room and when they were in Matteusz shut his bedroom door. 

“Are you alright?” Charlie asked, now filled with a different kind of worry. Had something happened? Was it about his parents? Charlie was concerned and anxious for Matteusz to answer the question. 

“Um, yeah,” Matteusz said, frantically nodding his head. That didn’t help at all. He was acting strange. He was avoiding eye contact with him by looking at the floor. He was a bit jumpy and couldn’t keep still. He sometimes got like that when he had loads of energy or if he was nervous. Charlie believed it to be because he nervous, but he could still have lots of energy. “Okay, so just let me talk for a minute,” He finally said. Charlie nodded his head. “Let me finish before you say anything.” Charlie nodded again. 

Obviously Matteusz would want Charlie to say something but he needed to get everything out first. He needed to say everything he felt with no interruption. He had been pacing the room but for one second he stopped. He looked into Charlie’s eyes. “I love you.” 

The words were so familiar and yet foreign, despite the fact that he had said it weeks ago. The way he said it sounded like the first time he declared it. Those feelings never left. Whenever he saw Charlie, he would say it internally, but never out loud. It felt weird on his tongue. The last time he said it – the last time he _really_ said it – was months ago after Charlie had used the cabinet. It wasn’t the ideal moment. It ended up being more heartbreaking than sweet. That was the last time he said it. He wanted to say it during the actual break up but it would’ve hurt far more. He knew that he had said it weeks ago but it slipped out. He didn't mean to say it. It seemed that Charlie and Matteusz had a bit of a problem with saying those words in a less than great situation. 

“I love you so much,” He repeated. Then he started pacing again. “I promise I am not just saying it this time because I feel it. I’m telling you this because I want to be with you.” 

He took in a deep breath. “I know about the cabinet now. I know that you had to use it. It was something that I’ve thought for a _long_ time. I’d been thinking about it even before you said it. I had been wondering about it and I had been asking myself _loads_ of questions. Everyone agrees with you, by the way. That you had to use it. I didn’t tell them what happened. I didn’t even talk to all of them. I knew about Ram’s stance on it without talking to him but I did talk to Tanya and she agreed.”

He paused, taking in a breath. “Everyone would’ve died, and I knew that. I really did. I just…I just wanted there to be another way, a way where we didn’t have to kill anyone. I was so caught up in the fact that you _did_ kill people that I just didn’t think about anything else. I didn’t think about how you used it to save the world, about how you used to save _hundreds_ of other worlds. I didn’t think about how you didn’t even _want_ to do it. I was _scared_ and _confused_ and I left and I was an idiot for leaving. And I’m just…I’m so sorry, Charlie.” 

That almost made Charlie sound like a hero. He wasn’t. He wasn’t a hero for doing what he did but he wasn’t a villain either. What he did saved billions on lives, which didn’t make him a monster, but he was no hero. Maybe that was because he enslaved Miss Quill. Perhaps it was because he never planned on using the cabinet until it _absolutely_ came to it; in other words, until he was forced to. It was hard to say how and why, but Charlie was never the hero of the story. Matteusz wasn’t saying that Charlie was the hero, but he acknowledged that he had to do it. To guarantee the survival of their planet and billions more, he had to do it. It wasn’t a heroic action it was a begrudging duty.

Charlie stood in place, absolutely frozen. He didn’t say anything, so Matteusz decided to keep talking. “I think a part of me knew for months that you had to do it, but I was so confused that I wasn’t ready to accept it. I have now. I made sure I had accepted it completely and wholeheartedly before coming here to tell you that.” He hesitantly stepped forwards towards Charlie. “I want to be with you, Charlie, if you’ll have me.”

Charlie swallowed. This was a lot. It was so much and so fast and Charlie’s head was spinning from keeping up with it. His heart was pounding, as was Matteusz’s. Their hearts were pumping so hard and so fast. Matteusz was breathing like he had just come back from a run. Those last few words were something that Charlie had only dreamt about hearing. He never thought he would actually hear them. He never wanted to get his hopes, but it was happening. Charlie wasn’t quite sure to believe it. 

Charlie took a moment to collect his thoughts. The first thought that entered his head he said, “You weren’t an idiot for leaving.” 

He wasn’t. Charlie liked to think that they could’ve worked through everything even if they had been together but he could never say that for certain. Matteusz did what he thought was best for himself. He was scared and he was confused and he thought that spending time alone was best thing to do. He put himself first. He could never blame Matteusz for leaving because he validated his emotions and he did what he thought best. He didn’t want Matteusz to invalidate what he had felt all those months ago. 

Matteusz said it because later on he regretted that he did leave. He did in fact feel that way for months and he left because he thought it would do him some good. In the end, it didn’t make the difference he had desired. He had hoped it would bring him some clarity so he would know what exactly he should do, but it didn’t do that. Matteusz said it out of frustration, not out of invalidation, but he appreciated Charlie for saying it nevertheless.  

That was not to say that their time apart didn’t do _any_ good at all. There was one goal that they had made months after they had broken up that both Matteusz and Charlie wanted to achieve and that was to become friends. They were never friends before they started dating. They talked, they flirted, and then they dated. That was what happened to some people. April and Ram were friends before they started dating. Many couples start out that way. Others, like Charlie and Matteusz, dated first. There was nothing wrong with that. During their breakup, they found out that they could be friends as well, even with all that history behind them. Both were exceedingly happy about that. 

Suddenly Charlie said something else. It was the second thought that had entered his head. It was something he knew he was bound to think of but he didn’t anticipate on saying. “You don’t want to be with me.” 

Matteusz’s face fell and fuck did it hurt Charlie to see it. “What?” 

“I’m not human,” He said. “I never will be. No matter what I do or how much I learn about humans, I’ll never be one. I might always ask stupid questions about humans, and there’s a chance that I will never understand pop culture.”

“Okay?" Matteusz said, not understanding why he was saying all of that. 

“And wouldn’t that annoy you?” Charlie’s voice rose. “What if you get tired of me?”

Matteusz shook his head and stepped towards Charlie. He gently squeezed Charlie’s arms and he looked into his eyes. “Charlie, people do not break up because they get annoyed. People break up because there is a problem with the relationship. If someone does decide to break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever because they find some things they do annoying, then they’re an ass.” That got a little smile out of Charlie. His hands dropped down to hold Charlie’s hands. What he was about to say was certainly not the most romantic or comforting thing ever but it was the truth when it came to relationships and friendships and just people in general. “I will get annoyed,” He said. “You will always do things that will annoy me but you are not the only person to do that. Everyone, even you, even our _friends_ , do things that annoy me for time to time. And I know that I do things that annoy you and our friends. Some of these things that annoy others are part of who we are and we cannot change them, and we shouldn’t change them. I would never ask for you to change yourself for me. You should never change yourself for anyone.” 

Charlie might not complain about him in the privacy of his head, but Matteusz knew for a fact that he has done and said things that annoyed him. Charlie got annoyed with him _plenty_ of times when they argued about the cabinet. He had probably gotten annoyed by some of Matteusz’s habits such as leaving towels on the floor. Charlie was a person, and like people, he got annoyed too. 

Charlie felt a bit ridiculous. He had only been changing himself these past few months for the sake of everyone in the world, Charlie included. He was trying to become more human because he thought that everyone wanted him to be that. He didn’t know what to think of Matteuesz’s words. They sounded nice and they felt comforting, but it went against everything he has thought and he been working against these past few months. He would have to make sense of this advice. He didn’t know what to think of it yet, but he knew he would have to talk to Matteusz about it. 

If Matteusz meant what he said and he _truly_ wanted to be with Charlie, then they were going to be together. Charlie knew he would take Matteusz back, but just because Charlie took him back didn’t mean that they didn’t have things to talk about. There were loads of things to talk about. Or at least, _Charlie_ had loads of things to talk about. He supposed changing himself was something to add to list of topics to discuss. 

He talked about asking questions with Ram. What he said helped Charlie and it was comforting, and it certainly encouraged Charlie to ask questions to clear up any confusion, but what he didn’t talk about was how he wanted to stop being so strange, so abnormal. Also, while asking questions was great with Ram, Charlie was still a bit self-conscious about the rest of the group. What Matteusz said sounded similar to Ram’s advice, but there was something he wanted clarification on. 

Their relationship wasn’t going to be smooth and easy, it was something that they were going to have to work at. They loved each other - they loved each other so much - and they were willing to work at it. They were open to talking, they always have been, and they would need to continue. 

His hands slowly inched back up to Charlie’s biceps. “My point is, I will be annoyed at times, and you will be annoyed with me, but I would never leave because of that. And do not be afraid to ask me questions, okay? I will always answer them.” 

Charlie nodded his head. Reluctantly, he whispered, “Are you still afraid of me?”

His eyes were slowly turning red and puffy, which only made his blue eyes stand out more. Matteusz slowly inched his hands up higher, closer to Charlie’s neck. He wasn’t afraid of him. Maybe it was because everything that he could’ve done _had_ been done. And Matteusz had accepted and made peace with all that Charlie did. He wasn’t afraid of him. Not anymore. He looked deeply into Charlie’s blue eyes and he told him the truth. “No.”

Charlie exhaled a shaky breath. “Are you sure?” He asked. He couldn’t kiss Matteusz, not if he wasn’t sure. 

“Yes,” He said. 

Charlie’s breathing was becoming heavy. They were close, very close. They had been closer. They’ve hugged since they’ve broken up. Matteusz has held him this way before. It was when they were in the backyard. Matteusz had his hands placed gently on his neck. It was the same action and yet it was so different. It was more intimate. 

“Sorry,” Matteusz apologized, taking his hands off of Charlie. He had forgotten that he was holding him. 

“How sure are you?” He asked one more question. 

“Very,” Matteusz answered softly. Charlie wondered if he knew how he felt, he knew that Charlie was scared. 

“I’m scared,” He admitted. “I’m scared that you’ll change your mind. I’m scared that you’ll leave again.” 

Matteusz couldn’t promise what he would never break up with Charlie, that has already been established, but he could promise him one thing. “I meant it when I said that I have been thinking about it for a long time. I thought about the cabinet for _such_ a long time. I know I said that I didn’t want either of us to make anymore promises, but I have to make this one. I cannot promise that we will never break up because I don’t know what our future is, but Charlie, I _promise_ that I would never break up with you because of the cabinet.”

Once again, not the most romantic thing to say, but it was the truth nevertheless. “I wish I could promise you that we would never be broken up again because I love you _so much_ but I _can’t_ make that promise,” Matteusz added. He wanted to make that promise, but life was too unpredictable to make it. 

“I understand,” Charlie said. 

“So…” Matteusz started. “What do you want to do?” 

Charlie stared at him. Charlie loudly inhaled and exhaled, trying to regain some control over himself. He wasn’t having a panic time. No, that felt different. Charlie’s heart was racing out of excitement and nervousness. This was happening. It felt like such a big deal. He didn’t know if it was as big of a deal as it felt. It felt _huge_ , maybe because Charlie had been pining over Matteusz for months, and vise versa. Perhaps it was because he had really convinced himself that they were never going to get back together. Nonetheless, it was happening, despite his belief. 

 _Do it!_ He screamed at himself because he knew he wanted to. “Can we just kiss now?” 

Charlie was afraid that he would lose Matteusz again, but he would rather have him back for a short time than never take the risk. 

Matteusz smiled. They both stepped forward, hands cupping each other’s faces, and for the first time in months they kissed. And they kissed, and they kissed some more. It was desperate. There was a need to make up for all the time they had lost. They held onto each other tightly. Their arms were wrapped around one another, pressing their bodies close together, reassuring themselves that the other was near, that this was real. They had been apart for so long and both were afraid that they would be torn apart again. 

They were kissing each other breathless. Gasps and sharp breaths were heard and taken in between kisses. They knew they should probably take a moment to catch their breath, but neither wanted to break away, not yet. Charlie rolled up to the balls of his feet, trying to make it easier for Matteusz. He was so tall. Meanwhile Mattuesz (his boyfriend?), tilted Charlie’s head back. They had missed this so much. Not just kissing, although both of them missed that too, they just missed _being_ with each other. They managed to be friends, and if they never found a way to be with each other then they were happy and content with being just that, but they were never supposed to be _just_ friends were they?

They missed the kinds of intimacy that came with a relationship. Intimacy was more than just sex and kissing. There was emotional intimacy, being emotionally open and available with another person. This kind of intimacy could be with a friend or a lover. Charlie and Matteusz had this with each other, even as friends. Once they were talking again, they tried to make sure that they were honest with each other. There was physical intimacy as well. As friends, they were severely limited when it came to physical contact because they were exes. They could hug each other but that was all they really could do. They couldn’t hold hands. They couldn’t just _hold_ each other. Exes didn’t do that, so they didn’t. They couldn’t do all those small touches that meant the world.

Now they could. 

After a while, neither of them knew how long, they slowly broke apart. Charlie nuzzled his head into the crook of Matteusz’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around his waist, and Matteusz had his arms wrapped around Charlie’s shoulders. The two boys stood there in the middle of Charlie’s room and just held each other. 

“So I take it we are back together?” Matteusz asked, looking down at Charlie. He was wearing a great big grin on his face and so was Charlie. 

Charlie chuckled and nodded his head. “Yes.” 

Matteusz cupped Charlie’s jaw and kissed him one more time. Charlie cleared his throat once they had broken apart and asked, “Are you doing anything tonight?” Matteusz shook his head side to side. “Would you like to go out with me?” 

“I’d like that very much.” Matteusz smiled at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After this chapter, I plan on doing one more Marlie one then I'm going to return to the other character's pov's. Matteusz will still have his pov chapters but I just need to include the other's again. Charlie is the center of the fanfic, not Marlie. 
> 
> There are still things that these two need to talk about.
> 
> Let me know what you guys thought of this chapter! I know that many of you had been anticipating it!


	23. Would You Mind Me Digging In Deeper Into Some Questions?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are dating again, and they talk about some things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to wait to post this chapter but I realize that I might be doing something this weekend and won't be able to upload it. 
> 
> I felt that I had grazed over some things last chapter so I decided to use this chapter to go in a bit deeper.

“We’re boyfriends now, right?” Charlie asked, wanting to get the labeling of the relationship out of the way. 

He didn’t want them to go out for a few weeks then have to awkwardly bring up the “are we officially dating and are we boyfriends” conversation. They had already confessed their love for one another. Well, Matteusz had. Charlie was hesitant to declare it again so soon. He not only had difficulty expressing his emotions, but Charlie feared that he would say it and then Matteusz would change his mind and leave. Charlie did love Matteusz. He really, _truly_ did, and Matteusz knew that, but he wasn’t ready to say it yet. He felt it, and whenever he looked at Matteusz he thought it, but he just couldn’t say it. 

Matteusz nodded his head. “I believe so. You want to be right?” Charlie frantically nodded his head up and down. “Then we are boyfriends.” 

A smile grew on both of the boy’s faces and they stared ahead at the sidewalk. “You are sure you want to do this, aren’t you?” He asked again. Charlie knew that he was annoying Matteusz with this but he couldn’t help himself. There was this fearful voice in the back of his head that told him Matteusz would leave. It wasn’t that Charlie didn’t believe Matteusz when he made that promise – he believed that Matteusz was _truly_ genuine and meant every word – but he worried that his genuine feelings in the promise were only periodic, like he only meant his words in the moment. They had many broken promises between them; some Matteusz’s, some Charlie’s, and he feared that there was about to be another one.

“Yes I am,” Matteusz answered, then kissed Charlie’s knuckles. “I was not joking when I said I had been thinking about it for a long time. This wasn’t a sudden realization, it was a _very_ long one.” Charlie nodded his head. “Do you not believe me?”

He wasn’t accusatory. He was curious. “No, I do,” Charlie said, shaking his head. He stopped walking and he tugged Matteusz aside so they weren’t standing in the middle of the sidewalk. “I believe you and I trust that you mean what you said, but I’m scared, Matteusz.”

There was no use in repeating what he said earlier. It all remained true. Charlie trusted Matteusz with his life. He trusted him more than many people, almost everyone. That trust never faltered, and it hasn’t. Throughout their breakup they knew that there was anything they would do to protect the other. They trusted each other with their lives. They trusted each other to keep their secrets. Even when they weren’t speaking, they knew that the other could turn to them for help. Their problem was never aiding each other, only asking each other. Or at least, that was Charlie’s problem. 

His problem wasn’t trust, only fear. He couldn’t be blamed for this fear. It was something that had been growing inside of him ever since he told Matteusz about the cabinet. It anxiously grew with every passing day until it happened. He knew that he would lose Matteusz and he did, he didn’t plan on losing him a second time and the fact that that was a possibility was frightening. Terrifying. Perhaps that was one of the reasons why Charlie had such a hard time telling Matteusz that he loved him. It hurt to say ‘I love you’ to someone you know you’re going to lose. For some people, that was all the more reason to say it, but not for Charlie. It hurt to say it, Charlie remembered, to confess his love and his prediction. He imagined that it would hurt to say it again while in this current state. He didn't know what would happen to their relationship, perhaps everything would be great, but as for the moment he was scared. 

The issue wasn’t that he didn’t trust Matteusz; the issue was because Charlie was scared of their outcome. As time would pass, there was a chance that his fear would lessen. There was also a chance that it wouldn’t. Charlie didn’t know what he was supposed to do about it. It was a fear he had already faced, was Charlie supposed to face it again? And how would he do that? Was he supposed to accept it? Accept it and live with it? He didn’t know in the moment but he hoped to figure it out as life went on. 

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Matteusz asked. 

Charlie had given him a little smile. “I’m afraid not.” 

This was something inside of him that only _he_ could deal with, although he appreciated Matteusz asking. 

They continued walking. A few moments of complete silence passed before Charlie wanted to ask another question. “Why did you talk to Tanya?” Charlie asked. Matteusz had said that he had spoken to Tanya about their situation but without actually talking about their situation. 

“I wanted to hear her opinions on the cabinet. And about you using it,” He answered. “I wanted to see if they aligned with what I thought. And what you thought.” Matteusz shrugged his shoulders. “I guess I wanted to hear reassurance from someone who wasn’t you. Not that I don’t agree with you but...” Matteusz let out a sigh. “I thought it would be better to hear it from someone who I wasn’t in love with. That way it would be more unbiased.”

They all had their opinions regarding Charlie and the cabinet, Matteusz supposed that none of them were exactly impartial, but when making this decision he wanted to hear it from someone else because hearing it from the person he was in love with was tempting and could be persuasive. Not that Charlie was trying to _be_ tempting or persuasive, he was expressing his side of it all, but Matteusz had wanted to make sure that his decision was something he came up with on his own. Hearing it from Tanya had only given him the confidence to accept his stance on it. 

“Does that make sense?” Matteusz asked. 

Charlie nodded his head. “It would be more unbiased for you,” He said, wanting to clarify. 

“Yes,” Matteusz confirmed. 

“What did you two say about me?” Charlie asked. His voice was light, almost like he was trying to be a teasing little shit, but Matteusz knew that there was a part of him that actually wanted to know, a part that was serious about the question. 

“Nothing really,” Matteusz answered. “I told her that I loved you. Most of the conversation was about the cabinet, not you. I asked her if she thought that you had to use it and she said yes.”

“I don’t think that she would’ve brought the cabinet to school if she didn’t want me to use it,” Charlie said.

Matteusz smiled a bit at that. “She said the same thing. She didn’t think that there was another permanent way to stop them, and if there was then we didn’t have enough time to find one.” 

“We didn’t,” Charlie agreed. 

Matteusz sighed and squeezed Charlie’s hand. “I know.”

He wished there was another way. No one wished it more than Charlie. For so many reasons he wished that there was another way.  

Charlie bit down on his lip as he felt another question on the tip of his tongue. “About what you said earlier,” He started, grabbing Matteusz’s attention. “You don’t want me to change myself? You _really_ don’t want me to be more human?” 

Matteusz stared at his feet as they continued walking. He knew had said a few things in the past regarding Charlie’s alien behavior. Based off the question, Charlie had remembered what he said. He said it when he was angry and annoyed. He said it, and yes the consistent string of questions was sometimes annoying but he never wanted Charlie to change himself. He never wanted Charlie to _want_ or _feel_ that he had to change himself. Matteusz shook his head. “I certainly want you to _learn_ about humans but I do not want you to change yourself. Not for me or for anyone else. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you should.” 

Of course Charlie _would_ change as time passed, as would Matteusz, so would the rest of their group. Everyone would. People develop and people change. Charlie was not excluded from this. He would change as he got older but it would be natural, not forced, and hopefully it wouldn’t be for anyone else’s sake but his own. 

Charlie had nodded his head in response to his words. Matteusz squeezed his hand and gently nudged him with his arm. He then proceeded to kiss his temple. He didn’t know what was going through Charlie’s head. He never knew. He hoped that he heard him and listened. 

Charlie felt a bit silly to hold onto to something that was said so long ago. He was well aware that he should’ve moved on from it, but he couldn’t help but dwell on it. He knew that he shouldn’t. It was unhealthy for both him and Matteusz. He needed to forget it, but it _so_ was easy to think about it after their break up. It was _painfully_ easy to think the worst of himself, and that included his alien behavior, a behavior that had been repeatedly pointed out by everyone. He was insecure, which made it easy to dwell on negative words, even if they were said out of irritation and not truth. 

“Thank you for being honest with me,” Charlie finally said after an agonizing moment of silence. He meant it. He was honest to Charlie about what he felt and he was honest about a few other things as well. While his truthful words weren’t the most comforting or romantic thing ever, it was the truth, and Charlie was grateful that he said it. He appreciated him answering his questions again as well. 

The house was insight and once they got closer, Charlie untangled his hand from Matteusz’s to get his keys out from his pocket.  He unlocked the door and the two boys walked in. “We’re back,” Charlie yelled, not knowing where Quill was in the house. 

Matteusz and Charlie decided to pick up food for the three of them and just eat in. He knew that he had been the one to ask Matteusz out and usually that involves actually going _out_ but both of them had been drained by anxiety and nervousness so they decided to pick up some subs. 

“Took you long enough!” She shouted from the side. She was in the kitchen. She entered the hallway and snatched the bag of sandwiches out from Charlie’s hand. Charlie shrugged off his jacket and hung it on a coat rack. Matteusz did the same. They went into the kitchen to find that Miss Quill was already eating her sandwich at the table. 

“Would you be fine with eating here or…?” Charlie drifted off, leaving the decision up to Matteusz. Charlie didn’t mind really but it had been a while since him, Quill, and Matteusz had all eaten together. The last time Matteusz was over, the two boys ate on the couch and watched The Princess Bride. Matteusz had asked if Quill wanted to watch with them but she declined and ate in the kitchen. He worried that the conversation would be a bit awkward since it had been so long since they had eaten together. 

“Here is fine,” He answered, pulling out a chair and taking a seat across from Quill. Charlie took a seat next him. The two instantly dug into their sandwiches and the sound of their chewing filled the room. 

“Are you spending the night again?” Quill asked him.

“No.” Matteusz shook his head, covering his mouthful of food. He turned his head back and forth to look at Charlie and Miss Quill. “I will probably have to leave after we finish eating.”

“Okay,” Charlie said. 

Quill glanced between the two of them then took a bite of her sandwich. Charlie and Matteusz exchanged glances before turning back to look at Miss Quill. “Matteusz and I are dating again,” Charlie said, breaking the silence. 

“How exciting,” Andra’ath said completely disinterested. It wasn’t sarcasm, just disinterest. 

“And how have you been?” Matteusz asked, smirking amusingly at Quill’s response. 

“Well,” She answered quickly and in a strict like tone, but really she wasn’t being strict, she only wanted to act like it. “And you?”

So the two carried on a small conversation. Meanwhile Charlie glanced back and forth between the two of as they talked. He has seen Matteusz and Quill talk since he moved out. They fought aliens together after all. They had tiny, little conversations. Charlie had also heard them speaking once he had gotten out of the shower after his breakdown. He noticed that Matteusz was usually the one to initiate it but Quill was usually the one to continue it. They had always gotten along far better than Charlie and Quill did, although he knew why they didn’t get along. 

Charlie didn’t say much throughout the conversation, Matteusz had noticed. He sat at the table and ate silently. Matteusz tried to get him involved but he was reluctant too. Quill had seemed to notice too but she didn’t do anything. Charlie knew that he should have if he wanted to get along with Quill. He wanted to try to get in the conversation and try to do something that made the living situation less awkward, but he couldn’t think of what to say. He realized that he was probably going to have to tell Matteusz a bit about the situation, but he would save that for later. 

Once they had all finished, they threw away the wrappers and trash. Charlie and Matteusz wrapped themselves back up in their coats. Charlie closed the front door behind him and stepped towards Matteusz. The Polish boy tugged him closer by his jacket then wrapped his arms around him, and Charlie reciprocated the hug. Their foreheads rested against one another’s, leaving very little space between them. For a minute or two, they just stood there and held one another, and it was wonderful. 

“You’ll be okay walking back?” Charlie asked, interrupting the peaceful silence. “I could walk with you there.”

Matteusz smiled at him. “Then I would want to walk you back home and then we would be stuck in a constant loop of walking back and forth.” Charlie smiled at that too. It sounded like something they would say on Gilmore Girls. “But thank you.”

“When should we tell the others?” Charlie asked. He wanted to wait, but only for a few days, a week max. He didn’t want to go telling all of them that he was dating Matteusz when they hadn’t even been together for a whole day yet. It felt so fast and a bit too soon to go around making that declaration. Matteusz felt the same way. Their eyes met and Charlie said, “At the end of the week?” Matteusz nodded his head in agreement. “What will we do until then?”

“We could go out somewhere tomorrow,” Matteusz suggested. “We could see a movie or get some ice cream or-“

“Let’s get ice cream,” Charlie decided, getting a silent laugh out of Matteusz. He loved it when he did that. He would get a great big smile on his face and Charlie could see his body moving as he laughed. 

“Okay,” Matteusz agreed. 

Slowly silence fell over them again. It wasn’t awkward it was peaceful. Charlie felt at ease for a moment. “I’ve missed you,” He whispered into the starry night. It felt like a weight had been lifted once he had confessed it. He hadn’t said it before, and he couldn’t say it. Not when they were friends, it would’ve been weird to say it. He missed not being able to be this close with him, to just _be_ with him. Charlie knew that his mind has already said that a million times but it was true. He felt like any moment he was going to start shaking because he worried that it was going to end at any minute. He wanted to remember what it felt like to be this close to him, to feel safe and loved. 

And quietly Matteusz admitted, “I missed you too.”

He missed being with Charlie as much as Charlie missed being with Matteusz. There was this physical ease that came whenever held or touched each other. It was soothing and comforting and loving and Matteusz missed it more than he could describe. The contact was made special by the fact that they loved each other. 

Feelings were what determined how contact felt. Sometimes it left someone feeling loved and adored. Other times it left someone feeling comforted and safe. There were unfortunate times were contact left people feeling the exact opposite of that. Sometimes contact left someone feeling sick. Other times it left someone feeling scared and unsafe. Some people weren’t comfortable with contact at all and when received it made them feel uncomfortable. How contact felt was determined by _emotions_. As the two boys held each other in their arms, they felt loved and safe, and for two boys who often felt the opposite of that, that feeling meant the world to the both of them. Neither of them wanted to let go. 

Charlie gulped and Matteusz could hear him. Nervously his boyfriend said, “You know how I feel about you, right? You know that I feel the same way about you as you do for me, don’t you?”

Matteusz nodded his head. “I do.” 

And for the first time in a _long_ time, Charlie said, “I wish for you.” 

When Matteusz had declared his love for Charlie, he responded by kissing him. After they had sex, Charlie had explained to him what love was on Rhodia. _“In my world, love is a practical term, it’s almost a business one. It means to combine what you have with what someone else has. It’s the combination that means love not the wish to do it…I wish for you.”_ That was his way of saying that he loved him. While he had said it and he admitted that he had felt it, he had also confessed that he wasn’t ready to say those three words. He was comfortable saying it in the terms of his people and he said that he _wanted_ to say them but he wasn’t quite ready. Matteusz understood then and he understood in this moment as well. 

It would’ve been nice to hear Charlie say it back. It _definitely_ would be nice to hear it while there was no threat present, but he understood. He knew how Charlie felt about him. And as Charlie said those four words a warm feeling spread throughout his chest. 

“Can I kiss you?” Matteusz whispered. 

“Yes,” Charlie said. 

And with that, Matteusz closed what little space was left between them, and kissed him. It wasn’t desperate like before. Matteusz wanted to take his time with this kiss and savor it. He wanted to remember it. He wanted to remember everything in general about it. He wanted to remember how Charlie’s lips felt against his, the sounds of the world around them, the way he smelled, and how perfectly Charlie’s face fit in his hands. He wanted to remember how Charlie kissed him back, and how his hands loosely rested on his waist. It was slow and it was sweet. Matteusz didn’t want the moment to end, but unfortunately he did have to head back home. 

Slowly – _very_ slowly – they broke apart. Matteusz kissed Charlie’s forehead and then pecked his lips. “I should get going.” He sighed and Charlie nodded his head in agreement. He took Charlie’s hands and laced their fingers together. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Charlie repeated. His eyes were burning but for once he thought he might cry out of joy. Out to attempt to make the day go on a little longer, Charlie threw his arms around Matteusz and buried his face in his shoulder. Matteusz instantly reciprocated and Charlie sighed with relief. He just wanted one more moment. He kissed Matteusz’s cheek and slowly let go from there. 

Matteusz noticed his watery eyes and cupped Charlie’s jaw with his hand. He kissed his forehead one last time for the night and said again, “I love you.” He watched as Charlie’s eyes fluttered shut at those words and his hand had come up to cover Matteusz’s hand. 

This was quite possibly one of the longest goodnights ever, but they couldn’t be blamed for wanting to make it last. Their lives were unpredictable. While it was safe, and while it was wonderful, they wanted to make it go on for just a few more minutes. After a few more quick kisses, Charlie and Matteusz slowly parted. And both of them parted with a smile on their face with the agreement of a date the following day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Feedback is always appreciated! I have started writing the next chapter but since I might be away for a few days who knows when I will be able to finish it.


	24. WAIT, WHAT?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Bunghole Defense Squad finds out that Charlie and Matteusz are dating again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like doing these short chapters!

Matteusz knocked on the front door to Charlie and Miss Quill’s house. He buried his hands in his pockets as he waited for Miss Quill or his boyfriend to answer the door. Ram, April, and Tanya were waiting inside Ram’s car, ready to leave when the two boys got into the car. They had planned to go to the movies to see Wonder Woman. He heard footsteps on the other side of the door, which was quickly followed by the door being unlocked. The door opened and revealed Charlie, who was wearing a light blue button up t-shirt. 

“Hi!” He smiled at him. 

“Hey.” Matteusz smiled back. Charlie closed the door and locked it behind him. Matteusz glanced over at the car to see their friends staring at them through the windows. Charlie eagerly smiled up at Matteusz before cupping his face and kissing him. 

“WAIT, _WHAT_?!” They both heard their friends yell from the car. 

They broke apart and smiled to each other. Matteusz took Charlie’s hand and the two boys walked and got into Ram’s car. Their were all silent as they gaped at the two of them. Charlie and Matteusz stared back. The car was quiet for a full minute until Charlie, trying his hide his amused smile, said, “Shouldn’t we get going?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is April!


	25. What Do You Dream About?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys, this will probably be my last chapter for a while. I am heading off to my first year of college later this week and I don't think I will have a lot of time to write. I will continue to write this fic, don't worry, I can never leave anything unfinished, but my updates will not be as frequent as they were before. And I can't promise that the length of the chapters will be the same. I might have to make them shorter for the sake of quality and for the lack of writing time. I don't know how long it will be until I update again. I am currently working on the next chapter. I might try to write a few chapters before updating again. This way I can get ahead.

Charlie didn’t see blood. The gun could kill but it could never make people bleed. Guns on earth were made for the purpose of killing, but it almost seemed like they were made for the purpose of making people bleed and suffer, but not Rhodian’s and Quill. While the Quill had their brutal ways in their rebellion, their usage of guns never had a gory outcome. Their guns were meant to kill. It was straightforward and quick. Charlie imagined that it happened so quickly that it would be painless, but he has never been shot so he could never say for certain. Neither could Quill. The gun’s straightforward method left no room of suffering, which Charlie supposed was a shame if one wanted to make their enemy suffer. There was no slow, agonizing, bleeding out. It was just death. 

That was his nightmare. When it came to her, it was simply death, nothing more to it. Charlie has seen many people die in his life and almost all of them were bloody, all but hers. There wasn’t any blood, there wasn’t any crying, there wasn’t any pain, there was only her limp, cold, corpse, and it was horrifying. Charlie realized that he didn’t know if he could call it a nightmare. It wasn’t something that his mind had conjured up; it was more like his mind was replaying a terrible, sickening memory. It was on a consistent loop until he got so scared and woke up screaming, crying, and sweaty. It wouldn’t stop, and Charlie was worried that it would never stop. He hadn’t spoken to anyone about this nightmare, not even the woman herself. 

Charlie wondered if anyone else had nightmares about her death. They were all there. Unfortunately, Ram entered right as the life left her eyes. Matteusz was at his distant side screaming for him not to. Quill and Tanya were standing side by side behind him. Quite honestly he didn’t know how they felt during that moment. Quill, like April, acknowledged and accepted that it needed to be done, Charlie supposed that he had accepted it too since he pulled the trigger. Tanya looked distressed and upset by the death of her friend but she knew it was coming as well. She had wanted to save her family. He wondered if they thought about it as much as he did. He knew that it didn’t _consume_ them the way it consumed him. Guilt was what separated him from the rest of them. He was the one who did it, even if others had hated and accepted the fact that April had to die. If they felt guilty about it, their guilt was still different from his, because the real person to blame was the one who held the gun and pulled the trigger. 

It was the worst thing he ever had to do. April was his friend, quite possibly his best friend. He loved their group but there was no denying that he was closest with April.  Well aside from his boyfriend, he was closet with April. Throughout those long six days after detention, they were there for each other. They were probably the only two who were speaking with one another. Charlie didn’t know about the rest of their group but he knew neither him nor April were speaking with them. He longed to speak to Matteusz, he remembered that, but the Polish boy had wanted space during that time, so he didn’t. From what he saw at school, none of them seemed to be on the best of terms. It was just the two of them. 

Then after everything happened it continued to be just the two of them. She was on good terms with everyone else but he wasn’t. They were a duo, and they had become very close. Her friendship meant more to him than she knew. Everyday Charlie wondered how they remained friends. How she managed to forgive him for what he did. It didn’t make any sense but he was grateful that they were somehow still friends. While she had managed to forgive him, the memory haunted him. That memory along with so many others kept him up at night. They had made him fearful of sleep for who knew the terrors that waited for him there. 

The memories of his previous nightmare flashed before him every time he closed his eyes. He felt like any second he might vomit or pass out from exhaustion. Doubt, guilt, hatred, and anxiety were making him restless. He thought he might explode he was holding so much in. And his best friend – the friend that he killed – was only sitting across from him. They had made plans the day before and Charlie didn’t want to cancel. He thought he would be fine, but he was far from it.

“Do you ever have nightmares?” Charlie blurted out quietly. He instantly wanted to take the question back because what if April wasn’t up to talking about nightmares? Charlie knew that there were dreams that he never wanted to speak about with anyone. He knew she had nightmares in general. He knew that every single one of them had nightmares about the Shadowkin, even Quill. But Charlie wondered if she had any horrific dreams about her death. He figured that dying then being resurrected would be scarring. He would be doubtful if she said that she didn’t have them. “About what I did?” He clarified. 

April’s eyes flickered up to look at Charlie. She supposed that it was safe to guess that he had a nightmare about her since he was asking about it, and honestly he looked exhausted. His hair was a bit messier than usual. It had been growing messier throughout the months since he had decided to grow it out but it had always been a neat sort of messy not just messy. He seemed tired. His eyelids looked heavy over his eyes. He didn’t look like someone who had a peaceful night of rest. 

She paused the episode of Gilmore Girls and turned to Charlie. She breathed in deeply and slowly nodded her head. “I guess you do too?” She asked.

“Yes,” He answered. The room fell quiet, extremely quiet. The only sound that could be heard was the rain that pitter-pattered on the living room window. The lighting in the room was awfully dim and bleak, perfectly fitting for this kind of conversation. “Have you spoken to Ram or anyone about them?” He asked next. 

“Yes,” April whispered. “He knows about some of them.” He listened to her nightmares and she listened to his. Whenever one was ready to talk, the other one was always ready to listen. She didn’t tell him _all_ of her nightmares. There were some that she didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk about it. She knew Ram would listen and she knew he would be by his side, but some of the dreams were so horrifying that she just wasn’t ready to talk about them. As nightmares do, most of them fade away from the mind. In due time, there’s no recollection of them. Either soon or very quickly the nightmare fades away and she forgets that she had ever had it, and then she never talks about them. “Does Matteusz know?” She questioned him in return. 

Charlie shook his head. “I haven’t told anyone about them.” Like stated, they were aware that they had nightmares, but they never got into specifics. “I need to talk to him about it. There are many things I need to talk him about.” The room fell silence once more. Eventually Charlie’s eyes met hers from across the couch. They were dark, shadowed by the poor lighting, but she could see of the blue in them. They were sad. “How do you not hate me?” He asked gently. His voice wasn’t a whisper, it was as loud and clear as it was before, but his voice was laced with heartbreak, which took the princely edge off of the question. 

“I wouldn’t blame you if you did,” Charlie said. Being pissed off at someone because they killed you was a really good reason to be upset with them. 

April leaned her head to the side, letting it rest against the back of the couch. “Sometimes I do in the nightmare,” She confessed. The light from the window behind Charlie was shining into her eyes, making them brighter than usual. She felt fear and hurt. It was a feeling that she didn’t want to feel but felt anyway. She would wake up, sweating and panting, there was a chance she whimpered a few times out of pain, she swore that she could feel the gunshot in the nightmare, and her hands would quickly pat her chest, then her heart. _I’m alive,_ she would repeat to herself.

“Well, I don’t hate _you_ , I just hate what’s about to happen,” She continued. Briefly Charlie wondered if she was annoyed with him since they have had similar conversations in the past, but her voice sounded more tired than annoyed. She hated these dreams as much as he did. “I dread it. I feel everything for only a second before waking up. You know, how you always wake up before you die in your dreams? I still wake up before I die. For a second, I feel hatred, not for you, but for what you did. It hurt so _fucking_ much.” She hadn’t realized that her hand had traveled to rest in the middle of her chest. 

She hated the physical pain that would hit her and the emotional pain that the two of them carried. She hated it for both of their sakes. They were two friends who were having reoccurring nightmares about each other. She would see Charlie behind the gun, meanwhile he saw her beyond it, lying dead and cold. 

She had asked him to do it and he did, and with that he also killed the monster that she had to share her heart with. She was free of Corakinus now, and her heart was completely hers. 

Charlie was staring at her with his eyebrows furrowed, like he was confused about what dreams had to do with that last question. 

“That’s the only time I have ever _remotely_ hated you, and it wasn’t even you,” She clarified. “I get angry sometimes, I won’t lie, but I have never hated you, Charlie. The only way to defeat Corakinus was by killing him. And unfortunately, that included killing me as well. I had accepted it, that’s why I went to Corakinus. You did it because I asked you to. It wasn’t like you wanted to. I would never hate you for what you did.” April placed her hand lightly over Charlie’s and gently squeezed it for a brief second. “I wouldn’t have continued being friends with you if I hated you.”

The last part was in no way related his question; April had only wanted to reassure him. She wanted to reassure him that they were friends and that she did not hate him. 

She hoped that she had answered it well. She didn’t know if all of it _had_ to be said. She felt like it did, or maybe she simply wanted to say it. She wanted him to know how she felt, and she wanted to point out a difference. That difference being that she hated dying, but not Charlie. She picked him because in the end he would do it. Maybe Quill would’ve done it, but she wasn’t the one with the gun. She knew none of the others would do it. They talked of using the cabinet on the Shadowkin, knowing full well that her life would end, but if they were the ones actually holding the gun then April doesn’t believe that they would do it. Saying was a lot different than doing, and it was quite easier as well. She trusted Charlie to pull through and fulfill her request. 

_I need you to set me free._

Free from the Shadowking. 

Charlie had given a small nod and April’s hand slowly fell from his. Charlie didn’t quite understand her clarification but he didn’t understand why she didn’t hate him. He didn’t think it was possible. The two slowly relaxed back in the couch, letting some of the sickness settle down. Not sickness with each other, but with their nightmares. 

She felt anxious thinking about it, as did Charlie, but April had wanted to ask one last question. “What do you see when you dream about it?” She had opened up about her nightmares, hopefully it would do her some good, and she hoped that Charlie would do the same. 

“There’s just you. No one else.” He answered. “There’s just your body lying on the floor. And I can feel the gun in my hand.” April had noticed that Charlie’s brow had furrowed and his eyes looked like they were staring inside his own head, quite possibly listing more details that he neglected to say out loud. “And…and it’s heavy,” He finally got out. “ _I_ feel so heavy, almost like deadweight, and it feels like I might collapse on the ground at any second.” 

That was the last he said about it, and April never said anything either. They let the conversation end and they returned to the tv show that lit up the screen. After awhile of silently watching the program, April said one last thing, “You can always talk to me about your nightmares.”

“You can always talk to me as well.” Charlie returned the sentiment. 

“You should talk to Matteusz about them too,” She offered one piece of advice. He nodded his head subtly. April could never tell if her words made a difference. Charlie was able to share so much information while still keeping close to himself. He was open at times but there was so much yet to be uncovered. She didn’t know if he did that on purpose or not. She guessed that part of it was probably just a habit. 

Charlie tried not to read too much into that last part of his nightmare. He liked to think that he would’ve collapsed because his knees had buckled underneath him but he could never be sure. The dream always ended before he hit it. All he knew was that he wanted to be on the ground too, maybe dead as well. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to repeat this for the people who didn't read the notes at the beginning of the chapter. 
> 
> So guys, this will probably be my last chapter for a while. I am heading off to my first year of college later this week and I don't think I will have a lot of time to write. I will continue to write this fic, don't worry, I can never leave anything unfinished, but my updates will not be as frequent as they were before. And I can't promise that the length of the chapters will be the same. I might have to make them shorter for the sake of quality and for the lack of writing time. I don't know how long it will be until I update again. I am currently working on the next chapter. I might try to write a few chapters before updating again. This way I can get ahead. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Comments and feedback are greatly appreciated!


	26. Do You Miss Your Parents?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usually a Matteusz chapter takes place after April's but I had sudden motivation to write Tanya and Charlie.

Tanya took in a deep breath, eyes fluttering shut as she did. She gazed out onto the pond, watching as the reflections of clouds and people passed by. She quickly looked around at the people who were there. She watched as they walked by. She briefly stared at the people who were hanging out. She hadn’t been expecting to see a familiar face in the distance. He was sitting on a bench, back straight, posture great, and arms crossed over his chest. His face was scrunched up, maybe because he was squinting his eyes. For once he wasn’t wearing a blue shirt or a blue jacket. He was wearing his light brown jacket, although it was zipped up so Tanya couldn’t tell what shirt was actually beneath it. 

She sat by herself for a few moments more. She listened to the low music in her head phones to silent out the chatter of the world around her. She breathed in deeply and let it all out. She did it a few more times. She was going to talk to her friend but she wanted to relax in the peacefulness of her surroundings for a while. This was one of her safe places. It was filled with happy memories. It filled her with serenity. She was surprised that it was peace instead of sadness. She wished she could relive it again. She wished she could sit here with her mum and dad again. She wished she could _see_ them again. It broke her heart that she couldn’t. That part was sad, but the memories weren’t. This place…the memories…made her feel close to them again. 

She slowly got up from the bench and walked around the pond to where her friend sat. It wasn’t until she sat down next to him that he realized she was there. A small toothy smile grew on his smile once he saw her. “Hello,” He said.

“Hi,” She said. She wrapped her headphones around her hand, making them into a circle, then she shoved it into the pocket of her red bomber jacket. “What are you doing here?” She asked. She wouldn’t have thought that this was a place where Charlie would go. 

Charlie shrugged his shoulders. “I went on a walk. And wandered out here.” He chuckled nervously. “I think I might be lost.” 

“I can help you get home,” She reassured him. 

“What are you doing here?” Charlie asked. 

“I was thinking about it the other day and I decided to come back.” She said. “I used to come here with my family. My mum loved coming here,” Tanya said, smiling sadly at the thought. “We would have picnics over there.” She stretched her arm out and pointed to the grassy area across the pond. She tried to envision what their picnics would’ve looked like from this direction. She could almost picture it. “It was nice.” 

“Did your parents like to swim?” Charlie asked. His mouth was in a straight line, it wasn’t firm, it was just Charlie’s face, and his eyebrows were furrowed. He tore his eyes from the area across the pond to return his attention to Tanya. 

“Yeah. Not here though.” Tanya almost laughed at the thought. She smiled. A great big, bright smile spread across her face, and it made Charlie smiled a little as well. She didn’t know why but she found it amusing, probably because there was so much shit in the bottom of it. Would've been absolutely disgusting. “We would go to a pool when we wanted to go swimming.”

She thought back to the story of how her parents met. Her dad jumped into the cold pool to impress her mum. 

Charlie nodded his head. “My father loved swimming as well.” Tanya’s head spun around at the mention. Charlie never talked about his father. Tanya didn’t even know much about his mother. She had seen the drawing of the pair but that was it. A small smile spread across Charlie’s face. “He was a fisherman. Well, he wanted to be. He never had the chance to actually become it.”

“Did your father ever take you fishing?” Tanya asked.

Charlie stared straight ahead across the pond like before. The small smile remained on his face while he spoke, although it wasn’t as happy as it was before. He nodded his head. “He took me out a few times. It wasn’t as often as he would’ve liked, but he took what he could get.” The smile had faded from his face and returned to the straight line. His eyes looked like they were picturing something, probably trying to think back to a memory like she did. “He taught me how to swim.” The corner of his mouth quirked up for one second then quickly fell. His eyes grew darker and his eyebrows furrowed just a bit, like he was remembering something horrible about the memory. “He died shortly after.”

Tanya had always made the assumption that Charlie’s father had died alongside his mother during the invasion of the Shadowkin. Maybe he did, but something told Tanya that maybe he didn’t, that Charlie had lost his father years before his mother. “How old were you?” Her voice was soft and gentle. It wasn’t pitiful, just quiet. Death wasn’t something one would normally cheer about; unless, they were a race called the Shadowkin. Death was sad and it was scary. It was something that one would normally speak about in hushed voices, especially if one is recalling the death of a loved one. 

“Seven,” He answered. 

The two fell silent and they stared out at the pond. It was murky; no one could see the bottom of it. It was still, so still that the sky perfectly reflected onto it. It would make a beautiful picture but neither of them did anything to take it. Their focus on it was so intense that one might assume that they were trying to take a picture with their minds. Both teenagers were well aware that they couldn’t do that, but there was this hope inside them that they would actually remember it, that they would remember everything. Unfortunately, as one grows older the more their mind deteriorates. 

That was one of their fears. They didn’t want to lose their memories of their parents. Charlie wouldn’t say that he had an abundance of great memories of his parents but he had memories that he wanted to keep. Tanya, on the other hand, had a great amount of memories she wanted to remember. There were days or moments that they wanted to remember and the thought of losing them was sickening and worrying. Their minds were clinging to the bad memories of their lives and they wanted it to cling to the good ones as well. They knew they wouldn’t forget their parents but they didn’t want to forget the memories that they had with them. Or at least, Tanya didn’t want to forget the memories she had with her parents. Charlie simply wanted to remember some of the happiest moments of his childhood, which only _some_ involved his parents. 

Tanya’s childhood was stressful with her dad being a policeman and all. There was the daily anxiety of whether he would make through the night or not. There was the consistent dreading of the answer that she would arrive to at home. She would worry that she would go home and find out that she no longer had a father. She hated feeling that way.

With her mother, it was completely different. She never worried about the safety of her mother. Well not in the same way that she worried about her father. Of course she worried about the safety of her _entire_ family, it just wasn’t the same as her fears for her father’s well being. Her mother was strict. Not just with grades, but in general. It was irritating, and sometimes Tanya got angry. 

While her relationship with her parents held these aspects, they never _defined_ there relationship. Every child gets annoyed with their parents and even parents get annoyed with her child but they were a _family_. In this world, people can choose who their real family is, and Tanya chose her actual family. There were annoyances but that was all they were. She loved her parents and her brothers more than anything in the world, and she knew that they loved her. Their relationship was filled with love, care, adoration, and respect. It was the relationship itself that defined it, not the moments that it held. Although with that relationship Tanya held so many great memories that she would cherish for the rest of her life. Even if she forgot them, deep down her heart would still hold them close. 

Charlie’s parents weren’t the average parents, no, they were royal parents, and that made quite the difference. There were other responsibilities. He supposed that these responsibilities were far more important than him. He had moments with his father, he had even fewer with his mother, and he wanted to remember those moments. Mainly because they were some of the happiest moments of his childhood, but those moments didn’t change what that relationship was. And that relationship was usually filled with neglect. Aside from those good moments, his parents were distant. He couldn’t let good memories convince him otherwise. The relationship itself defined the relationship and it was filled with neglect and distance. Charlie had chosen a new family. Unlike Tanya, his blood related family wasn’t his actual family. 

“Do you miss your parents?” Charlie said, eventually breaking the silence.

Tanya nodded her head. Her throat burned as she tried to find her strong voice. She didn’t want to cry. Not at the pond. She didn’t even know if she really felt comfortable crying in front of Charlie. She honestly didn’t know if she would feel comfortable crying in front of any of them. She hadn’t cried in front of any of them except Miss Quill. If she wasn’t in such a heartbroken and vulnerable state after the loss of her mum, or if she hadn’t lost her mum, Miss Quill wouldn’t have seen her cry either. 

She opened her mouth and said, “Everyday.” She turned to look at Charlie who was staring intensely down at the ground. “Do you?” She questioned in return. 

Charlie blinked quite rapidly for a few seconds before giving a small nod. “Sometimes,” He answered quite grievously, like it was the worst thing in the world. It sounded more like guilt than sadness. “Should I miss them everyday?”

There were days where Charlie simply didn’t feel anything for his parents. He would suddenly be overwhelmed with worry because he thought that he should miss them and he thought that he was a horrible person if he didn't but none of these worries actually made him miss them. It only filled him with paranoia and guilt. 

Tanya couldn’t imagine a day where she didn’t miss her parents. She imagined that as time passed it wouldn’t be as painful but she knew that she would still miss them. But that was Tanya. She loved her parents and they loved her. That was their relationship. She knew that not everybody had the same relationship with their parents. Some people, like April and Matteusz, don’t even consider some family members to be their _actual_ family, understandably so. There were days where both children missed their parents, well April missed the person her father _used_ to be, but nevertheless there were those moments. Other days they didn’t miss them at all. There was no shame in not missing a parent.

So Tanya shook her head. “No,” She answered. “You don’t ever _have_ to. Sometimes a person just _misses_ someone and sometimes they don’t. It’s not wrong to not miss them.”

Charlie nodded his head. He bit down on his lip and returned his attention to the pond. “Thank you,” He said, and Tanya simply nodded. 

Silence fell between them. Not an awkward one, a serene one. It was something that they were glad to have gotten off their chests. They didn’t talk for a long while. Something in the conversation had brought great comfort. Sometimes both of the teenagers were closed off. Tanya had built up a wall to protect herself, meanwhile Charlie was so used to _not_ talking about certain things that usually he didn't. They both knew talking was important, sometimes it was just difficult to do so. The two sat side-by-side on the bench and watched. They watched the clouds move. They watched the lighting of their surroundings change as the day went by and the clouds passed by the sun. The watched the reflections in the pond. They listened to the jumbled voices of the people around them. The day ended up being pretty nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't had much time to write but I have been writing. Who knows when the next update will be.


	27. Will You Be There For Me In The Middle Of The Night?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matteusz and Charlie sleep together. Like, they just sleep. That's it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this written for a while but I put off posting it because I have NOTHING written for the next chapter so who knows when I will write that.

Matteusz and Charlie were spread out on the couch with Charlie’s back pressed up against Matteusz’s chest, legs tangled together. The Polish boy had one arm wrapped around Charlie while the other sat in the bowl of popcorn in Charlie’s lap. They silently ate and watched The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. Charlie had read the book fairly quickly. After reading, he called Matteusz and told him that he had finished it, to which his boyfriend replied by asking him millions of questions, then suggested that they should watch the movie together. 

Quill was on a date with Charlie’s history teacher, Ms. Kapoor, or Caroline actually. That was her first name. She had given him permission to use it when she had come to pick Miss Quill up. Charlie knew that they had been talking but he didn’t know that they were actually flirting. She seemed excited. Charlie had agreed to babysit. Andrea was upstairs fast asleep in her crib. The baby monitor sat on the table incase she woke up and Charlie could go and calm her down.

When the credits of the movie rolled, Charlie tossed one more piece of popcorn into his mouth then put the bowl on the table. He rolled over and rested his head on Matteusz’s chest. His ear was flat on his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat. His arms were curled up and tucked underneath his chin. It was when Matteusz wrapped his arms around him that Charlie did the same. He had given a little smile when he felt Matteusz’s hand run up and down his back. “I liked it,” Charlie yawned. 

“You are tired.” Matteusz stated, fingers now combing through Charlie’s hair. Charlie had been yawning throughout the entire film. His eyes would close for about thirty seconds then they would reluctantly open again. Matteusz was surprised Charlie liked the film. He was honestly thought that he was going to fall asleep during it. Matteusz watched as his eyes slowly closed again. 

Charlie subtly nodded his head. “Yes.” He winced. “Sorry. I didn’t sleep well last night. 

“No need to apologize,” Matteusz assured him. 

“I know but I didn’t want to be on the verge of sleep throughout our date.”

Matteusz couldn’t help but smile at him calling it a date. They had been on many dates since they got back together but Matteusz still smiled about it. The smile shortly fell as the sentence before had registered into his mind. “Is there a reason why you did not sleep well?” He asked. It could be as simple as just having difficulty falling asleep, or it could be nightmares, something Matteusz _knew_ Charlie dealt with. 

Charlie nodded his head again. Matteusz had a strong hunch why he didn’t sleep well. He bit down on his lip, second-guessing the question he was about to ask. He certainly didn’t mind the idea. He would love to sleep next to Matteusz with their arms wrapped around each other, but as long as that was all it was, sleeping. Not that Charlie didn’t love sex, he did, he _really_ did, and as much as him and his body craved for that kind of contact, he wasn’t ready. They have had sex before. They’ve had sex _many_ times, so it wasn’t that he was nervous about having it, he just wanted to wait a little longer. They had been apart for several months, and as discussed, Charlie was afraid that Matteusz would leave again. He needed to overcome that fear and trust in Matteusz’s decision to be with him. 

So hesitantly he asked, “Would…would you mind sleeping with me tonight?” He asked. Realizing that Matteusz mistake the intention behind the question, the intention that was simply just sleeping. Charlie immediately sat up, eyes wide and a bit scared. “And I mean just sleeping. I don’t mean have sex. Not that I don’t want to have sex, I do - or will – but not tonight.” He was going to continue but Matteusz cupped his head in his hands, which rendered him silent. 

“Is okay,” He reassured him softly. “And if you want me to.” 

“I do,” Charlie said. “Just as long as you’re comfortable with it too.” Matteusz nodded his head. Charlie had given him a small smile, the one that revealed his top two front teeth. He stroked Charlie’s cheek with his thumb. Slowly they leaned in and kissed one another. Charlie’s hands had come up to cup Matteusz’s jaw, reciprocating the earlier action, and to keep his boyfriend close. Charlie titled his face to the side, deepening the kiss. After a few more kisses, the two boys broke apart. 

Hand in hand they walked up the stairs. Matteusz headed to his room while Charlie stopped at Quill’s room to check on Andrea. She was so adorable when she was asleep. Charlie wanted to kiss her forehead but he was too worried about waking her up, so he didn’t do it. He loved her, as did Quill, but like anyone living in a house with a baby, they were exhausted from waking up in the middle of the night because of her crying. Slowly he stepped away and quietly closed the door behind him. He went into his room and got into his pajamas. He heard the water running in the bathroom, Matteusz was brushing his teeth. Charlie changed and joined him in the bathroom. 

Once they were finished brushing their teeth, they buried themselves underneath the covers of Charlie’s bed. Charlie set the baby monitor on the bedside table. It wasn’t like he needed it, his room was close to Quill’s and he could still hear Andrea, but just incase he was deep in sleep. 

He snuggled up closer to Matteusz, and then his boyfriend wrapped his arm around his waist, pulling him in closer. 

“When did you get these?” Matteusz asked. Charlie looked over his shoulder to find Matteusz staring at the ceiling. The ceiling that was decorated with glow in the dark star stickers.

“Oh,” He said. He rolled over and laid his head on Matteusz’s shoulder. His boyfriend’s arm wrapped around him and Charlie wrapped his arm around Matteusz’s waist. The two stared up at the ceiling. “I had put them up about a month and a half ago.” 

“They’re very beautiful,” He complimented. Charlie nodded in agreement. “What made you decide to put them up?” 

“They calm me down,” He started. Even though the stars weren’t real, Charlie still lost himself in them. They were cut out fake stars but they shined as bright as real stars did. With the majority of the stars, Charlie had posted constellations. Some were Rhodian constellations; others were the constellations that humans knew. With the remaining stars, Charlie had scattered them across the ceiling in an unorganized manner. “I put them up incase I didn’t want to go outside in the cold to see them. I love stars. I lose myself in them.” Charlie paused for a moment. “And they brighten up the room a bit without getting too bright.”

“Perhaps we could go stargazing one night,” Matteusz whispered. His nose bumped into Charlie’s and his lips were close to his, but they didn’t kiss. Charlie smiled and nodded at the idea.

“I would like that,” He said. Then the two boys kissed. 

Matteusz squeezed Charlie’s shoulders. “So, do you want to tell me about these nightmares? You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I am here to listen if you do.” Charlie had given another smile but it was smaller and it was sadder. It was more bittersweet. His heart was warmed by Matteusz’s words but his heart was heavy as well. He buried his face into chest, wanting to hide himself. Matteusz combed his fingers through his hair. “If you don’t want to talk about it then we don’t have to,” He repeated again. 

“I know, I just – “ Charlie cut himself off. He let out a frustrated sigh. He needed to talk to Matteusz about it, but as always Charlie was tired. He was mentally and physically tired. While he had wanted and had been meaning to speak to Matteusz about it, he was through with thinking about it. But he breathed in deeply, collected as much strength as he could and he started talking about them. 

“Most of them are about the Shadowkin,” Charlie said, lifting up his head so Matteusz could see him again. He had given some sort of sarcastic, surprised expression. It was obvious that he would have nightmares about them. It wasn’t a surprise to Matteusz that Charlie still had nightmares about them. That would only be natural. Charlie meant nothing towards Matteusz, he had wanted to move on from the Shadowkin, but his mind held onto the horrific memories. “I see…” Charlie’s stopped as his throat burned and his eyes turned glassy. “I see them everywhere…” 

“It’s okay,” Matteusz reassured him. His boyfriend held him closer, not tighter. Charlie felt safe in his embrace. “I do too.”

Charlie had known that everyone, including Matteusz had nightmares since the race was extinguished, but they hadn’t discussed it. Charlie felt a bit guilty for not asking him about them sooner. He held Matteusz back, arms awkwardly wrapped around him. His head was resting on Matteusz’s shoulder. Their faces were close, foreheads almost touching. “Do you want to talk about it?” Charlie asked softly. 

Matteusz had given him a small smile. Matteusz gazed into Charlie’s eyes. They were shadowed by the darkness of the room but the dim light from the stickers and the outside window illuminated his eyes just enough so Matteusz could see the blue in them. They were sincere and a bit worried. He felt Charlie’s thumbs stroking his side. While the moment was serious, and Matteusz’s mind was quite occupied by the recalling of past nightmares, he kissed Charlie’s forehead. It was out of love and gratefulness for he wondered how he had gotten someone who loved him so much. 

“Sometimes I don’t see anything,” He whispered to Charlie. “I just feel the sword on my throat. It feels heavy, like it could crush my throat. Sometimes it feels like I’m suffocating. I usually wake up after that.” Matteusz paused. 

He had more, as did Charlie; as did Ram, Tanya, and April. They had so many Matteusz wondered if they would ever talk about them all. He wondered if these dreams would fade away as the memories became less sharp and potent. They would never forget what happened, well not if they didn’t lose their memory, but as time passed Matteusz assumed that it wouldn’t hurt as much. Maybe they would’ve been used to the pain and heartache by that point. Perhaps they had completely accepted and moved on. Matteusz didn’t know how it would work. He hoped that the pain would lessen. He didn’t know for a fact but he hoped. He wanted their lives to be like that. He wanted recovery. He wished that everything that happened never happened but he couldn’t erase the past, all he could hope for was a better and brighter future. And he supposed that that was all he could work for too. 

Recovery wasn’t easy. No matter how much someone recovers they will never achieve the normal they had before. They would find a new normal, a good normal. They would find a normal where they would remember and know everything that has happened to them but they would have found a good life. That was what April did. Her and Jackie’s lives were forever changed but they built a new one. They adjusted, they recovered, all while they remembered. They worked to get where they were.

They would all have to work to achieve a new normal. It wouldn’t be easy. It would most likely be emotional and painful but if they wanted to get to that point then they would have to work for it, and they would have to want it. 

“Sometimes I see that too,” Charlie whispered, breaking Matteusz’s train of thought. “I sometimes have nightmares where he kills you.” A tear slipped from Charlie’s eyes and slowly drifted across his face. The thought of losing Matteusz was far worse than the thought of Charlie dying himself. It was a thought that almost became his reality. 

He would always feel sick after that nightmare; sometimes he would actually get sick. It was horrible. After he awoke from it, there wasn’t a Matteusz next to him to check up on, to remind himself that the Polish boy was okay. Charlie would restlessly lie in his bed for the next morning to come so he could see him. The Shadowkin were gone, he knew that, but he always needed to see him after that nightmare to see him alright and healthy. 

Charlie couldn’t speak. The memory made him feel sick to his stomach. Matteusz was the same way. His breath would hitch in his throat whenever the memory unexpectedly hit him and for a moment or two he didn’t – or couldn’t – breathe. 

They didn’t speak anymore on the topic. They would another time. No person could confess everything at once. What they did talk about was good. It was progress. Their breathing was the only thing that was heard in the house. It was heavy, shaky. They were the breaths that one let out when trying to calm down.

For a while that was all they did. They held each other and listened to the other’s breathing. They felt each other’s body’s rise and fall with each inhale and exhale. 

Eventually Matteusz remembered one more question, one that he had asked several times. He didn’t know why he suddenly wanted to ask the question or why he thought this was the best moment but he felt that he had to ask it. Maybe it was the talk of nightmares that brought it up. For Charlie drawing was sometimes a past time, or an activity, or a way of coping. Charlie hadn’t drawn anything since detention. 

“Charlie,” Matteusz said. “Why haven’t you drawn anything?” 

That was the one question he had always neglected to answer. Well he did but Matteusz knew that he was hiding something. Charlie had been truthful about so many things. He has never explicitly lied but he has hid information. Sometimes hiding doesn’t qualify as lying and sometimes it does. Charlie lied about the cabinet. Matteusz was well aware that he had lied to the Shadowkin but Charlie refused to tell him the truth about it, even after he moved in. Matteusz counted that as a lie. There were times like this one where Charlie was hiding, but in this case he didn’t count is as a lie, more as something that Charlie didn’t want to confront or verbally admit, it was almost like he was ashamed of it. 

Charlie shrugged his shoulders. “Ever since I came here I’ve only drawn the monsters we’ve fought, our friends, and you. Then everything happened and I couldn’t anymore. I didn’t want to remember the Shadowkin. I had no friends or a boyfriend, so to draw you seemed weird, and quite frankly it broke my heart. I hate everything in the house. It’s too meaningless for me now. I hate drawing myself and sometimes I can’t even stand to look at myself.” Charlie inhaled sharply and exhaled a shaky breath. “I was afraid of what I would draw if I allowed myself to.” 

His words rendered Matteusz quiet for a moment. They were upsetting. It was something that felt obvious upon hearing it but he didn’t think about that before. He has seen Charlie’s drawings. Most of them were of people and monsters and objects. Not anymore. He didn’t do any of it anymore. 

“And what have you been doing in the meantime?” He asked. If he wasn’t drawing, then there must’ve been something else to fill in that time. 

“Schoolwork,” Charlie answered.

“Do you miss drawing?” He knew he had already asked something similar to this question in the past but he felt it necessary to ask once more. Maybe there was a way for Charlie to keep drawing without necessarily creating. He wouldn’t have to worry about what he created with his pencil; he would only have to worry about filling in spaces. 

Charlie nodded his head. “I miss it so much,” He said, voice weak and desperate. 

Matteusz took Charlie’s hand and held it. “Have you ever tried a coloring book?” He suggested. “You wouldn’t have to draw anything you could just color it in.” He brushed Charlie’s hair aside so he could see him. “You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” Matteusz reminded him. He didn’t want Charlie to go buy a coloring book because he worried about disappointing Matteusz. He wanted Charlie to get it for _himself_. “It’s just a suggestion.”

Charlie nodded his head, heeding Matteusz’s words. Matteusz had given him a small smile before kissing Charlie’s forehead once more. Charlie buried his face in the crook of Matteusz’s neck and closed his eyes. 

“Wake me up if you need me, okay?” Matteusz said, and Charlie nodded his head. 

He let his eyes fall shut, ready to fall asleep. Charlie did the same. The two boys held each other in their arms, hoping to comfort each other through their slumber. They hoped that somehow they would be able to protect each other from the haunting memories and the horrific things that their minds conjured up on their own. Both boys knew that no matter how much they wanted to they could never actually stop the other from having nightmares. They knew that from actual experience. But that didn’t stop them from longing for that possibility, especially since they hadn’t slept next to each other in _months_. Would they sleep soundly in each other’s arms? 

Who the hell knew, but nightmare or not, the other would be there when they woke up. If one woke up screaming or crying or scared or all three, the other would be there to comfort and listen. They would be there for each other. That was what couples did. That was what friends did as well. No matter what happened Matteusz and Charlie would wake up beside each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have writer's block and my classes have started. When I have time to write, I will try but I have no plan or idea for next chapter so it might be a few weeks before I write it and post it. Comments are greatly appreciated and it would definitely help!


	28. Do You Ever Feel Like Something Is Going To Happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a chapter!

Ram had always found this one statue creepy, especially in the rain. The drops would land on the statue and would stream down the figure like tears. It’s empty eyes -  literally the pupils were carved out, they were nothing but holes - looked pained. It looked like a tear-stained face. The marks were dark on the statue, dampening the material. Ram stared up at it, almost daring it to move, challenging it do something, literally _anything_. It could scream. Honestly the statue looked like it wanted to scream. It was spooky looking. 

“I think I’m seeing more and more angel statues,” Charlie piped up from beside him. Throughout the school year, he saw one after another, but he couldn’t recall if he ever saw them again. He probably had but something inside of him told him that he hadn’t. “Have you seen this one before?” He asked, wanting to see if Ram had recollection of this statue since Charlie was lacking with the others.

Ram nodded his head. Seconds passed by as each raindrop hit the wings of the angel figure. They streamed down the bumpy, sculpted feathers of the wings, eventually dripping off and hitting the water at the bottom of the fountain. Thinking back to Charlie’s words, he thought the same thing. He saw an angel statue here and there but he never thought much of it, because that was all they were. Statues. Maybe, Ram thought, there was something to it. After all, a tattoo did try to kill him. 

“Yeah,” He said. He looked over his shoulder to find Charlie staring up at the statue. “Why?”

“I just can’t recall seeing some of them again,” Charlie said. He said it casually but both of them knew that there was a worried undertone to it. 

There was the underlying possibility that perhaps something was wrong. Maybe it was nothing, but it could definitely be something. These days it seemed to be more something than nothing. Ram only nodded his head. Their guts twisted in anxiousness at the unspoken agreement. Some angels weren’t in their original places. That was probably something to tell Quill and the others. 

The two boys slowly took their eyes off the statue and cautiously walked away, occasionally glancing over their shoulders to see if the angel was still standing in its place. They both let out a sigh of relief once they had turned the corner, out of the statue’s sight. Not knowing if there was something to be skeptical about worried the two of them greatly. Usually something happened and they would know that there was a problem and they would stop it. While around the figure, the two boys had a nerve-wracking feeling. They felt like there was something to worry about but they weren’t entirely sure. Yep, definitely something to bring attention to. 

For the moment, while the two had no concrete evidence and no one else was around, they let the thought of the statues slip away from their minds, giving themselves another moment’s rest before having to go off and worry about saving the world again. 

The two strolled beside down the sidewalk in silence. They were friends, and in some ways they were both similar, but they always struggled to make small talk. Whenever they talked, they were usually around their friends, or they were talking about an alien, or they were speaking about something personal. Small talk or actual, _normal_ conversations weren’t something that they did often. So the two walked in silence, hands buried in the pockets of their light jackets. 

“So what were you doing out?” Ram asked. They hadn’t intended to hang out with each other; they met by happy coincidence. That seemed to happen to Charlie quite a few times. Ram was out for a walk, a long one. Usually he would go for a run but he wanted to do some thinking. Maybe not thinking, more like dwelling on thoughts, reoccurring thoughts. He hoped to clear his head a bit after thinking about it, but so far he hadn’t had any luck. Then Charlie found him. 

Charlie held out a plastic bag. “I needed to buy a few things from the shop.” 

He was nervous about what he had purchased. He had listened to Matteusz’s idea and purchased a coloring book. He wasn’t quite sure if he was actually going to color it, but incase he ever decided to give it a shot he thought he might as well have it in the house. With that actually came a few essentials that Charlie actually needed, and while he was there he thought that he’d grab a few snacks as well. 

“And you?” He asked Ram in return. 

“I needed to clear my head,” Ram said. 

“Is there something wrong?” Charlie asked bluntly. 

He stared at Ram with innocent eyes. Those eyes were usually revealed when it came to an innocent question. For Charlie, innocent questions were typically about pop culture. He would have this look of child-like curiosity on his face, but sometimes, those innocent, curious eyes would appear in a sincere, slightly worried question. Ram supposed that the question itself was still innocent but it wasn’t the same as asking about such things like Halloween. 

“Nothing, really, I just…” Ram let out a sigh. He didn’t quite know how to explain it, and honestly he didn’t know if he really wanted to talk about it, but while Charlie was there and asking, Ram figured that he might as well try to give it a shot. “I don’t know. I just feel like something’s going to happen.” 

Little did Ram know that that was a feeling that Charlie was familiar with. Charlie wondered if they were dreading the same thing. School was out, so he supposed that Ram couldn’t be dreading a pop quiz or something similar to that. Perhaps he was dreading whatever alien/supernatural creature would slip through the crack. There were several cases that Ram could be feeling. 

Charlie and Ram had lost many people, and almost all of those people were murdered right in front of them. There were a few exceptions, there were always exceptions. Everyone loses someone. There are times where they lose someone to death, and there are times were a relationship simply comes to an end. Both of the young men have experienced both of those loses. Sometimes they felt as if it has happened to the both of them too many times for someone their age. Maybe its because so many relationships ended all at once. Not all relationships last, and _no one_ lives forever, they were very much aware of that, but they were left with this voice in their head that told them that the people who remained in their lives wouldn’t be there for much longer, that they would either die or they would grow apart. 

That voice left them waiting and dreading. They didn’t want to lose anyone else, not to aliens, not to murder, and what friends they had they didn’t want to lose touch with, but yet they thought they would. No matter how much they didn’t want it to come to end, each day was a wait to see if it would. It was anxiety riddled waiting, not exciting. A part of them dreaded every day that was to come for what possibly waited for them in their future. Every day the two boys were fine, all except that one part of them. It was small but awfully powerful.

“Like what?” He asked, wanting a little more clarification on the question. 

Ram shrugged his shoulders. “Something bad.”

Charlie nodded his head. It wasn’t quite the clarification he had desired but he supposed that it eliminated some happy options, although he didn’t see why one would be nervous about something happy. Never mind, he did. He was happy whenever he was with Matteusz but there was this underlining dread that his boyfriend would eventually break up with him again. Because why wouldn’t he?

Charlie didn’t mean to pry but his curiosity wanted more, so he asked, “Bad as in…?”

“I don’t know, mate,” He said. “It’s hard to say. Sometimes it just feels like something horrible is going to attack us and it’s going to kill someone.” Ram paused for only a brief moment. “Maybe even kill one of us.” 

So then Charlie realized that yes, Ram was experiencing the same feeling of dread that he was. He supposed that dread felt the same no matter what, but that maybe sometimes it was more severe. Dreading a test and dreading the possibility of death were _extremely_ different. In the end it was the same, but dreading something bad – like death – created a feeling way worse that the dreading of a test. 

Charlie was stunned for a moment, but Ram didn’t know that. In reaction to the alien boy’s silence, he felt himself becoming a bit irritated. Because what he said was serious, something that had been on his mind the entire day, and Charlie had been asking, but he didn’t say anything. He forgot that sometimes Charlie’s reactions were a bit postponed. 

_Do you know the feeling of dread?_

Once again, his own words rang inside Charlie’s head. It was resting on the tip of his tongue and he was tempted to repeat it, but he figured that he had already asked Ram enough questions so he swallowed the question down, allowing it to only stay in the privacy of his head. 

Finally Charlie nodded his head. His eyes met Ram’s for only a second (because they had to keep an eye out for where they were walking). His eyes weren’t as innocent as before, they were blue and a bit sad. He had given Ram a little smile and that was when the other boy knew that Charlie felt the same thing. They stared ahead at the sidewalk that dimly glistened underneath the cloudy sky. 

“I’m scared of losing Matteusz again,” Charlie confessed. He didn’t know why he had confessed it but something told him that he should. Maybe it was to further clear up that he knew how Ram felt. Perhaps it was because he wanted to share something else with Ram. It remained true that all they continued to have were personal conversations. 

Charlie breathed in deeply before continuing. “We’re happy right now, really happy. And yet, every day I wake up and I think today’s the day he’s going to break up with me again. Maybe because he realizes that he didn’t really accept the cabinet, or maybe because he doesn’t want to be with me – I don’t know – but every day I wake up thinking and dreading that he is going to come to me and end it again.” 

He knew that a break up wasn’t the worst thing in the world, especially when comparing it to death, but that feeling was there _all_ the time, sometimes it was all he thought about. Sometimes it wasn’t even limited to Matteusz, it applied to all his friends. 

“I’m scared of losing my mum,” Ram admitted. He hadn’t ever spoken about his mum with Charlie. Ram knew much about Charlie, but Charlie didn’t know much about him. He didn’t talk much about his home life with Charlie. Usually he talked about that stuff with April or Tanya. He was friends with Charlie and Matteusz but he had yet to be as close with them as he was with the other two. 

“Ever since I lost my dad I’m scared of losing her too.” Ram bit down on his bottom lip. Whenever he looked at his mum, he prayed that he would never lose her to an alien as well. He feared losing any people to aliens but never once thought that somehow they would get to his parents. He never wanted to lose any of his parents. He knew that he would but a part of him neglected to believe it. But ever since Corakinus killed his father, all that Ram could think about was that an alien was going to take away his mum. He couldn’t bare the thought of losing her too.

“I never thought I would lose him to an alien, and now that it’s happened it’s all I can think about sometimes,” Ram said. “I don’t know I just have this _feeling_ that an alien is going to get someone else I love.”

“Same here,” Charlie said quietly. “Do you – “ Charlie cut himself off for one second. “Do you ever dread the future because of it?” 

“Sometimes, yeah,” Ram answered. “Do you?”

“Occasionally,” He answered, trying to give Ram a small smile. 

They walked in silence after that. They walked for a long while. They weren’t even heading towards a certain place anymore. It was more like aimless wandering. Neither of them knew why they didn’t go separate ways or split. For some reason, they stuck together. Maybe they wanted to clear themselves of the heavy mood they had gotten into. Perhaps it was that the moment was so personal and weirdly comforting that they kind of didn’t want it to end. 

The two had expressed these emotions to other people before. Ram to April, and Charlie to Matteusz, but neither of their lovers quite understood it, mainly because that didn’t have that feeling. Both of them had experienced dread obviously, but it wasn’t like this, or at least, it wasn’t the same as theirs. The two boys supposed that their feelings weren’t exactly the same either. Similar, yes, but perhaps not the same. Charlie and Ram understood it, and they didn’t want to leave that slightly comforting feeling that had come with that conversation. Sometimes knowing that a person felt the same way was comforting. 

It wasn’t until they decided to depart that they spoke again. “Do you think this feeling will ever go away?” Charlie asked, turning to face Ram. 

All Ram did was shrug his shoulders, because that was all he could do in response to that question. He had dealt with this feeling for so long. To his knowledge, that feeling hadn’t faded away one bit. Sometimes it was difficult to tell if something had changed or developed, usually because Ram felt that every day. Maybe in the future more a difference would be made but he didn’t know for certain. Not while he wasn’t in the future.  

“I don’t know,” He said truthfully. “If we ever closed the crack or got away from this place, maybe it would but I don’t know for certain.” 

“Do you ever want to get away from here? Even for a short while?” Charlie asked. He had been considering doing something. He had meant to ask Matteusz. They had a few more weeks of summer left, they could very well get away from this place for a short while before school started. They would not only get a break from school but from aliens as well. They didn’t have to worry about tests in the summer but they continued to worry about aliens. 

“Yeah,” Ram answered. 

“Would you ever actually do it? Just go away for a few days?” Charlie hated how many questions he was asking but he couldn’t help himself. He was curious, and he wanted to get away from this place. He had his friends and Matteusz but that didn’t change the fact that he had grown hateful towards this place. He was grateful for the people it had brought him but nothing more. It was nothing more than a hellhole. 

“Probably not,” Ram answered truthfully. Because while he wanted away, and while he wanted a break, he would be fearful of the mess that he would come back to. He would be fearful that throughout the trip something would be happening back at Coal Hill that could possibly destroy the world. He would be too scared to actually do it. Not when there were people at risk. Not when his _mum_ would be at risk. “I’d be too scared about what would happen.”

“What if we could travel through time?” Charlie suggested. “We would be gone for _weeks_ but for everyone else we would have only been gone for a few minutes.”

He had always wanted to travel with the Doctor. In this case he didn’t exactly want to travel with the Doctor, he merely wanted the Time Lord to take him somewhere new and leave him be for a few days, only for a few days, nothing more. Then the Doctor could pick him up and bring him back home. That was what he wanted to do for now. Traveling all across through space and time was an exciting idea that appealed to Charlie. It appealed to him so much that he hoped to one-day travel alongside the legend, but for now he had school. He wasn’t in it at the moment but it was on the horizon, as were many other life duties. He needed to fulfill those first. Then maybe he could go. And hopefully it would be with Matteusz. It was all a maybe. It was nothing but a dreamy wish to him. Something he held onto to keep him fighting. 

Like Ram, he didn’t know if he could actually leave without knowing that the crack had been sealed shut. Without that, he feared he would never leave this place. He was scared that the six of them would have to fight these aliens for the rest of their lives. He hoped not, but there was a chance that his hope was nothing more than another dreamy wish. 

“Unless that’s a guarantee, I think I’m gonna pass on that too, mate.” Ram had given him a little smile. Probably because he had figured out what Charlie was getting at. It was _most definitely_ because he knew what Charlie was talking about. He heard many stories about the Doctor from both Charlie and Quill, and to be honest, Ram wasn’t quite sure if the Doctor knew what he was doing sometimes. This was a situation where Ram would rather be safe than sorry.

Charlie nodded his head and had returned the small smile, but it had quickly faded as he braced himself to say goodbye. Quietly he said, “I never offered my condolences for your father. I’m sorry.”

After the Shadowkin were gone, communication was almost instantly cut off between the five of them. Tanya and Ram had run back home to their families. And after a while, Charlie had realized that it was probably time to offer the two his condolences, but he had been too confused and too afraid to. He was worried that he would make it worse for them. He was scared about how they would react to him. He didn’t know what to do so in the end he didn’t do anything.

Ram blinked in response, taken aback by the sudden declaration. He hadn’t been expecting it. A sad smile had grown on his face this time. Ram felt his eyes burning at the words. He didn’t know if it meant anything to him really. Sometimes the mere mention of his dad would get him overwhelmed. After a moment of rapid blinking because of his teary eyes, Ram said, “Thank you.” 

They hugged each other goodbye after said. They didn’t say much else. Charlie had promised to speak to Quill about the angels, and the two boys agreed to tell their friends in the group chat they had set up. 

Charlie and Ram had two very different personalities. Sometimes they were so different that it was hard to believe that the two of them could ever be friends but they were. Neither really understood each other most of the time, but that was only most. There were moments where the two young men understood each other so well that it was difficult to believe that anyone else would quite understand them that same way. 

They were certainly an interesting duo. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm planning on the next one being Charlie/Matteusz. Once again, I don't know when I will be updating. I thought it would be forever until I got this chapter up but then I wrote most of it on Friday night and finished it. I'm struggling to write my next chapter so I don't know when it will be up. I also have school and that is keeping me quite busy. 
> 
> Feedback is greatly appreciated!


	29. Would You Stargaze With Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School has been super busy

Matteusz was very much aware that he should be staring up at the stars but his eyes kept on wandering over to Charlie. The two boys were buried underneath in a couple of blankets. Charlie was wearing his pajamas, meanwhile Matteusz was wearing sweatpants, a hoodie, and a tank top. The two laid on their sides so they would be able to look at each other. They had a small bag of chocolates resting between them. Everything was set up on the floor of the balcony outside of Charlie’s room. The stars shined bright above them. 

“Tell me something that I do not know about you,” Matteusz said, tossing a piece of chocolate into his mouth. 

“Like what?” Charlie asked. He was sure that there plenty of things that Matteusz didn’t know about him, but the second his boyfriend brought up the question his mind had drawn a blank. Everything that he had thought about telling Matteusz had suddenly slipped his mind. 

“What were you like as a child?” Matteusz asked. 

He sometimes tried to envision what Charlie was like a child. He liked to think that at one point, Charlie was a carefree child. When they met, Charlie wasn’t a teenager. He was, but not really. He was far more obedient then most of the other kids in classes. Well, he was obedient in all of the classes, besides Quill’s. Matteusz didn’t have every single class with Charlie but he did have history with him as well. It was there that he saw how obedient he was. Whenever a student spoke out of turn, or talked while the teacher was talking, Charlie’s eyes would widen, and he would gape at the student who rudely interrupted their teacher.

While Matteusz did not like that behavior either, he had seen it before from many shitheads in class. He was used to, and unfortunately, the teachers probably were as well. While everyone else was annoyed, amused, or angry, none of them were horrified by that kind of behavior. They had been around that kind of behavior for a long time. So not only was Charlie obedient to his studies, but Matteusz had a bit of a clue that Charlie probably hadn’t been in many schools. Matteusz had originally guessed that Charlie had been homeschooled. He was awkward, he hadn’t been keeping up with any pop culture, and he found most people strange, Matteusz could only assume that he was homeschooled.

Homeschooling wasn’t bad, Matteusz imagined that it would be quite fun from time to time, but some people who had been homeschooled for most of their lives tend to lack social skills. Charlie could easily talk to other people, but he lacked reactions sometimes, or his reactions weren’t typical ones to have. So he had made the assumption. Of course he found out that he was wrong at prom when it was revealed that Charlie had been a prince. 

Back to the original point, Matteusz liked to think that there was a time where Charlie hadn’t been so obedient. Obedience to responsibilities was all and well, but for Charlie his obedience was everything. He was a prince, a prince who ruled besides his mother. Matteusz doubted that Charlie skipped out on many responsibilities, especially since he had been trained not to since he was a child. Having been raised to be so loyal, and to take all that responsibility so early on must not have left much room to rebel or to be carefree.

He liked to think that there was a time where Charlie wasn’t burdened with such responsibility, where he was more carefree. He liked to think that there was a time where Charlie would draw on walls like a child, instead of doing schoolwork. He wanted to think that maybe Charlie had one other friend when he was younger than seven, but he knew for a fact that he only had the one friend. It was the man who wrote his speeches. One man out of an entire planet was Charlie's friend. Only one person. He liked to think he had another friend at one point, but he knew Charlie didn't. He liked to think all of those things, maybe because he wished Charlie had the opportunity to experience so many things that he hadn't gotten the chance to before, but something told Matteusz that Charlie had been like himself for a long time. 

“What do you mean?” Charlie asked. 

Matteusz had asked many questions about his childhood before but he never asked about what _Charlie_ was like. Charlie wasn’t like other children. He knew a few things that set him apart from the others, but he didn't know all. He thought an awfully lot about his childhood. He wasn't quite sure what to make of somethings. He needed to talk about his life on Rhodia. He needed to talk about many things, but this was something that would need to be spread out over multiple conversations. 

 He didn’t know what the other children on Rhodia were like. He had seen them but he didn’t know them. He was never allowed around them. As a child, he would see them, but he was never allowed to speak to them. No matter how much he wanted to, he never did. He never knew the kinds of lives the other children led. He never knew about the childhoods of others until he had met his friends. He knew he was different from the other children, he was a prince, but there was something off about his life. Other children had friends, Charlie didn’t when he was younger.

“I don’t know, um.” Matteusz paused for one second to think of a specific question. “Did you always draw?”

Charlie nodded his head and swallowed down the rest of his piece of chocolate. “That was how I got so good at it.”

Practice makes perfect, Charlie supposed that was the saying that worked. 

“Do you know when you started?” Matteusz asked. He wanted to know how much time Charlie had spent drawing. A little sign that maybe his boyfriend had made some time for himself when he was younger. His fingers lightly grazed over the back of Charlie’s left hand. Eventually he let his hand fall on top of Charlie’s. Matteusz held Charlie’s hand in his and his thumbed stroked the top of it. There wasn’t any other reason for doing this action except to touch his boyfriend. 

Charlie had shaken his head side to side. “I remembered doing it when I was really young, but I don’t remember when I started.” 

“Did you ever draw on the walls?” Matteusz had done that once. 

His parents had given him a box of crayons. They weren’t paying great attention at the moment, and Matteusz had grown bored of his coloring book, so he had made the decision to draw a great big picture on the wall. His parents were furious with him. In due time, his parents had painted over it, but not without taking a picture of it first. They showed it to him years later. It was quite an ugly drawing, although he supposed that many drawings made by a five year olds were ugly. For Matteusz, his drawings hadn’t gotten much better than that. Mainly because he didn’t love it that much. As a child, yes, but he wasn’t the creative type. 

Charlie had given a small smile. “Once I had. My mother was furious with me, she hated it. She sent me to my room and had it painted over. I stuck to drawing on pages after that. Have you?” 

“Yes,” Matteusz answered, giving him a small smile. “It was a very ugly drawing.”

Charlie had smiled at that. He had even laughed a little at the comment. 

“Has your favorite color always been blue?” Matteusz asked next. 

“How did you know what my favorite color was?” Charlie questioned with a dead serious expression on his face. He didn’t recall ever exchanging favorite colors with his boyfriend. 

Matteusz’s smile widened and he chuckled. His cupped the side of Charlie’s face a lightly brushed his lips over his. “Almost everything you own is blue,” He said after they had broken apart. 

“Oh,” Charlie said, pausing to think about the statement. It was true. “Right.” Matteusz’s hand slowly fell from his face and Charlie asked, “What’s your favorite color?” 

Maybe this was something that they should’ve already known. Maybe not. They knew loads about each other. Perhaps they didn’t know all the facts like favorite colors, but they knew each other well. On a deeper level they knew each other. Not just love, they were able to recognize signs in the other when they were upset. They understood each other emotionally. They had shared plenty. When it had come to such things like that, favorite colors seemed to be insignificant, although Charlie was always curious to know and learn more about Matteusz. 

Matteusz pursed his lips and dragged his fingers along the back of Charlie’s hand. “Probably blue. Maybe grey too.” He was awfully fond of both of the colors. Silence fell over them for one moment. Matteusz was curious for more but didn’t know if he should ask, so he repeated his question from earlier. “Charlie,” He said slowly. “What is one thing I don’t know about you?”

So it was up to Charlie to decide how to answer it. He didn’t have to talk about anything he didn’t want to, he knew that, Charlie could simply say that he didn’t like marshmallows or something and that would be fine. Matteusz was only curious to know more about his boyfriend. He didn’t matter what the fact was as long as it was something that he didn’t already know. 

Charlie breathed in deeply and his fingers gently pinched the rim of the bag. It was hardly noticeable. Charlie had remembered what it was he had wanted to talk to Matteusz about. “I want to leave this place,” He confessed quietly. 

The expression on Matteusz’s face had quickly fallen. His boyfriend looked upset and worried by the response. 

Charlie had quickly continued, not wanting Matteusz to think that he wanted to leave him. “I want to get away from this place only for a little while. At most, two or three days, and I want you to come with me. I just…” Charlie let out a deep sigh. He held Matteusz’s hand in his and held it up to his chest. He gazed into his boyfriend’s blue worried eyes and said, “It feels like I’m suffocating here, Matteusz.”

“Sometimes it feels like all we ever do is fight aliens at that fucking school. And we're about to go back to school and – “ Charlie had cut himself off. “I keep thinking about all of it and I can’t stop.” 

It was oppressive being around that school. He wasn’t in it at the moment but catching a glimpse of it was enough to make him feel sick. He needed to see something else for a change. It wouldn’t fix anything really because he would have to come back, but for a few days maybe he would be able to feel like he was able to breathe again. Perhaps it would be enough for him to catch his breath. He didn’t know what a trip would do to him; he just knew that he couldn’t stay near Coal Hill any longer. Not without going insane.

Matteusz stared at Charlie, whose blue eyes were filled with distress. They weren’t in a confined space, but feeling trapped was enough to send Charlie into an attack, and having his thoughts focus on the events of _that_ day certainly weren’t helping. Slowly and gently, Matteusz tugged him forward by his hand. He tossed the bag of chocolates aside and made room for Charlie beside him. Matteusz wrapped an arm around Charlie’s shoulders and held him close, and Charlie reciprocated by wrapping his arm around Matteusz's waist. 

“Is okay,” Matteusz whispered to Charlie softly. “Is okay,” He repeated. He slipped his finger underneath Charlie’s chin and gently lifted his head up, letting their eyes meet. “Just breathe, remember?” 

Charlie nodded his head. Along with Matteusz, he breathed in and out through his nose, loudly and deeply. They did that a few times until Charlie’s breathing had slowed down and he was calm. He hadn’t gone into an attack, but his breathing was becoming quick and shallow, and very soon his heart would’ve been pounding. 

“I feel so trapped here sometimes,” Charlie admitted. 

It made sense. Sometimes Charlie seemed on edge and antsy like he was itching to leave, like he _needed_ to leave, but Matteusz never knew where from.

Charlie loved Matteusz and his friends and Andrea (and he had grown used to being in Quill’s company) but he didn’t think this place could ever feel like home again. Maybe it could. In a few years that is, but Charlie couldn’t see that day. Maybe it was possible but it didn’t seem so in that moment. He felt like he could never leave this place no matter how much he wanted to. He didn’t believe that there was a way to close the crack, so he would stay here to fight off the aliens that made their way through. He believed that he was going to sacrifice his life and his sanity to protect the other people on this planet. With all of that tied to it, no, it didn’t feel like a home. 

Home is where the people you love are. That is true. Charlie always felt home and safe in Matteusz’s arms, but outside of that it didn’t feel like it. Not anymore. If aliens weren’t coming back and Charlie had already graduated from sixth form, he wasn’t even sure if Matteusz could convince him to stay. Maybe Matteusz wanted to leave; maybe he didn’t, but if he didn’t Charlie believed that he would go, even though it would break his heart. He didn’t want to dwell on those feelings any longer, already knowing full well how they felt.

“Do you ever feel like you’re losing your mind here?” Charlie whispered, curious to find out if his boyfriend felt the same way. 

“Yes,” Matteusz said.  

The night fell quiet for a moment.

“Do you want to leave?” Charlie asked.

“Sometimes.”

The night fell quiet again. 

“Would you ever leave with me?” Charlie’s voice was soft and quiet like he was telling Matteusz a secret, and in a way he was. It was a desire he had not yet spoken with Matteusz about. It wasn’t a secret per say, more of something that he hadn’t confessed yet. It wasn’t a secret, but it felt heavy like it was one. Maybe because Charlie wanted it to happen so much that he was afraid of denial. Of course he would accept it if Matteusz didn’t want to go, but he would love it if he did. 

Matteusz smiled a little. “Maybe. Where would we go?” 

Charlie felt like his breath had been knocked out of him. “You would go with me? Really?”

“We can’t go far. Like you said, we fight aliens and we can’t leave our friends here to fight them on our own, but yes, Charlie, I would go with you.” 

For a second Matteusz thought that Charlie was going to tell him that he loved him. He could see it in his eyes. He’s seen those loving eyes before. He had the same still expression that he had on his face when Matteusz first told him that he loved him. He had a bit of disbelief in his face, like he was waiting to wake up from a dream. And there was a bit of surprise as well. Charlie had hoped that Matteusz would want to go with him but he was never certain if he would agree to. Charlie didn't want to get his hopes up. 

Charlie's mouth hung open ever so slightly like he wanted to say those three little words, like he could feel the words on his tongue, but he just couldn't say it. Instead, hesitantly, Charlie kissed him. It was soft, and sweet, and short, but it was nice. Really nice. His hand gently rested on Matteusz’s neck, his fingers were cold, but Matteusz didn’t mind. 

“I’m sorry,” Charlie said. He eyes looked down at their feet like he was disappointed in himself. “I can’t do anything else right now.”

“Is ok,” Matteusz reassured him softly, taking Charlie’s hand in his free one. “You do not have to do anything you do not want to do.” 

Charlie had given a small smile. More than anything he wanted to tell Matteusz how much he loved him. It was on the tip of his tongue but the words were stuck there. He leaned forward once more and kissed Matteusz again, wanting him to know how he felt. Then he kissed him again and one more time after that, simply because he loved being this close to him, and because he did like kissing Matteusz. 

“We could go somewhere that’s a few hours from here,” Charlie whispered when their lips broke apart, but he rested his forehead against Matteusz’s. “I don’t know anywhere specific,” He said. 

“We’ll find somewhere,” Matteusz said. “Don’t worry.”

And for once, Charlie wasn’t. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I am coming close to finishing this fic. Do not worry, I plan on turning it into a series with one shots, but I think this fanfic needs to come to an end soon. I feel like there's lots more to explore but I don't think I want to do it in this fanfic. I plan on writing a few more chapters because I've come up with an idea for it's ending point. I don't know how many more chapters it will have but I don't think it will be many.
> 
> I have nothing written and I have no idea what I want to write for the next chapter so it might be even longer until I update.


	30. Where Do I Want To Go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry its taking me so long to update! I'm writing a longer chapter right now and I'm not finished with yet so to make up for the long wait I just created this little snippet. I am working, I promise, but I don't have much time and this chapter requires a lot of thought.

Charlie had been awake for a while. His were shut, heavy on his eyes, probably because he wanted to go back to sleep, but his mind was awake and thinking. Where did he want to go? There was an entire world out there, what did he want to do? Sadly Charlie couldn’t fly anywhere for a day, and the others didn’t seem to want to fly with the Doctor. As amazing as the Doctor was, they sometimes struggled with time, which Charlie found amusing since he was a Time Lord. 

Where did he want to go? His mind whirled around in dreams. He tried to picture it in his heads. His toes curled in his bed, like they wanted to dig into something. Sand quite possibly. He didn’t want to dig his feet into the dirt. It was messy and disgusting. He wanted to see the water. A body of water, not a pool or a pond. He didn’t want to be able to see it in the distance. 

He knew what he wanted to see. Slowly his mind drifted asleep. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where does Charlie want to go?


	31. Does Any Of It Matter?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is long and that's why I haven't updated sooner. I just finished it this morning so I haven't had a chance to proofread so please excuse any errors. Also I apologize if this chapter is repetitive or doesn't make sense. It made sense in my head to myself but I don't know about other people. There isn't much dialogue, just a shit- ton of writing.

**Once Upon A Time** there was planet known as Rhodia. It was known by a few but not the whole galaxy. No world would ever know every single planet in the galaxy. That only happens in Star Wars. On this planet lived two species: Rhodians and Quill. They lived in war, not peace. Maybe they lived in peace at one point, but neither Charlie nor Miss Quill were alive to see that. They were raised during a time of war. Quill was quite possibly raised in war. Meanwhile, Charlie had been sheltered, hidden away from the war and practically everyone else on the planet. They lived different lives but eventually they came across one another, and in a horrible way as well. A connection that neither one of them wanted was forced onto the two of them. They were stuck with each other. They didn’t like each other. They would make the other miserable. 

Their dislike for each other traced back to the war between their people. Rhodians and Quills hated each other. Rhodians were raised on the teachings that Quill were scum, the worst of the worst, meanwhile the Quill hated the Rhodians for oppressing them. No Rhodian knew all Quill, and no Quill knew all Rhodian, but yet they despised every one of them. They killed each other. Over and over again they murdered each other. Quill killed Rhodians to fight back for their species, and the Rhodians would fight back, sometimes killing more then the Quill did. And sometimes they enforced an even worse solution than dead: enslavement. Enslavement was what brought Charlie and Quill together. He was a Prince who needed protection and she was a freedom fighter who had to do the protecting against her will. He hated her and she hated him, but while hate is sometimes the same, it was no with these two. 

Charlie, brought up on the belief that all Quill were monsters, hated her for what species she was. He hated her for her mean behavior, constantly insulting him and sometimes others. He hated Quill for who she was. Quill hated Charles for who he was as well, but hers went much deeper and much farther than his did. Her freedom had been ripped away. A creature had been planted in her head to keep her obedient and restricted. He enslaved her and never saw it as such, for his entire life he had been taught that it wasn’t. Her hatred for him traced back to his Rhodian heritage, but it was more than that. She hated him for his ignorance, his constant demands, and his willingness to offer her up for anyone else. She hated him for using her and continuing to rob her of her own free will. They hated each other. 

All of it mattered to the two aliens, but it no longer mattered to their lives. Their people were gone, their history erased. The war between Rhodians and Quill were no more. It was buried in ashes along with their people. Charlie and Quill were the only two to survive, saved by the Doctor. It was then that they had to leave behind everything they knew. The war was nonexistent. No earthling would know about the war. They didn’t even know about Rhodia. They were advised not to speak of it with anyone else but themselves. They needed to blend in with the humans. They couldn’t go around telling stories about their people. Everyone would think that they were delusional. So their history stayed between them, but it wasn’t alive anymore. The war was a memory, no longer their lives. Did the history of their people matter anymore if there weren’t any people? It mattered to Charlie and Quill, for what happened on Rhodia determined how they had felt for one another, but did it matter? Was it important to remember? To them it was, but was it important to remember for the sake of life? Their people were no more, there was no way of history repeating itself, so was it important? It bared no meaning to their lives anymore, only to the history of Charlie and Quill themselves. 

It was important for them to remember. For themselves they had to remember, but did they have to remember for the sake of their perished race?

Everything about their planet was something that no longer mattered, not to anyone else. They had to pretend. Pretend that they were human. They had to abandon the knowledge of their home planet and trade it for the sometimes-useless knowledge of the human race. Charlie was a Prince who helped his mother rule the kingdom, and Quill was a Freedom Fighter that planned and fought for her people. They had to take their identities and create new ones. Their old ones were to be erased. They were no longer a Prince and Freedom Fighter, they were a student and a teacher. What they were no longer mattered to anyone else, what mattered was the lie they lived. They had to pretend to be different people in the hopes that they would stay well hidden.

They left their physical appearances as well. They hardly looked like themselves. No one would know what they once looked like. This human, mundane look was now permanent, unless changed by the Doctor. Not even the aliens themselves could change the way they looked. There was no going back to their original form. They both wished they could do it on their own. They had grown so used to their human forms that sometimes they forgot how they used to look. That one hurt. Their true forms were part of who they were and they could no longer be themselves. 

What mattered was being human, not being themselves. What mattered was their fake history, not their real one. Their history, their appearance, and their identities meant the world to the two aliens, but not to anyone else. The people who knew about Charlie and Quill were curious and cared about them and what they had lost, but it wasn’t the same. Nothing was ever the same. So Charlie and Quill would go on remembering and caring; meanwhile, the rest of the world would only know what they told them. 

There was the subject of the arn as well. That was another thing that no longer existed. Quill was so miserable, so restricted and threatened, that she risked her life to get the arn removed. The arn was the most important thing when it came to their relationship. There was no forgetting it, just like there was no forgetting anything else. The arn was more important than the history of their people. People can move past prejudices. After learning and understanding, prejudice and ignorance can be fixed. Brainwashing and propaganda could be reversed. While it was be a long process, it could still be reversed, but what couldn’t be reversed was Charlie’s abuse towards Quill. The damaged he caused could not be undone. He used the arn to his advantage. Repeatedly he ordered for her to sacrifice herself for others. He could change, but his past actions could not. The arn, while no longer present in their lives, still mattered to Charlie and Quill and their relationship. The arn mattered, but what was really important was what the two aliens did with it. _That_ was what held significance in their lives. Their own actions, Quill’s battle to get free, and Charlie’s influence over Quill, was what mattered. The creature itself didn’t matter so much anymore for it was dead, but the memories were alive and well. 

That was all they were left with at this point. They only had memories. They were slowly growing accustomed to their new lives. In some ways, both of them loved their new lives more than their old ones, and in other ways, they hated them more. 

There were simple, luxurious elements that they enjoyed on this planet. Ones that they wished they had back on Rhodia. For the two of them, it was a positive for the planet. To say that these elements made them love their human lives would be a lie. They were great things that they loved, but that wasn’t what made their human lives special. 

For Charlie it was love, something he severely lacked on his home planet. He hadn’t been expecting it. He certainly hadn’t been looking for love, it just sort of…happened. He was to be married to a Queen so the prospect of falling in love wasn’t one he really thought of, but then he met Matteusz. It was sudden to say the least. Charlie had fallen for him quick and hard; thankfully, Matteusz had fallen back. It was with him he experienced many firsts. 

Charlie didn’t know if he could put into words how Matteusz had made his human life bearable. He noticed him. No one had really paid attention to Charlie, but Matteusz did, and he was nice to him. Charlie could talk to him. They talked and they talked, and over and over again Matteusz was nice to him. He had made Charlie feel like he belonged there, like he was fitting in with the rest of the humans. He found his strangeness endearing instead of weird. He was the first person to make Charlie laugh. Charlie didn’t smile much in general, so getting him to laugh was much more rare, but somehow Matteusz did it. Charlie had felt like he was trapped in a dark cave and Matteusz had entered with a flashlight, bringing love and warmth with him. Charlie had been miserable but Matteusz somehow got him to smile. He looked forward to everyday because of him. He was funny, kind, caring, charming, and handsome was a plus. He was wonderful and Charlie couldn’t help but fall in love. 

And it was Matteusz who taught him new beliefs, one of them being that one could choose another family. Just because someone is related to you by blood doesn’t mean that they’re family. _But if your family is wrong for you, you can choose a different one._ That one belief in particular stuck with Charlie. He thought it was quite beautiful. He wasn’t quite sure if it was a belief for him until he had a new family. He believed that he was to live out his life truly alone, but then out of the blue an angel appeared. He found out what Charlie was but he didn’t let that change the way he felt about him. He stayed with him. He loved him. And Charlie did the same for him. They had become each other’s family. 

Love didn’t fix everything though. While he loved Matteusz, there was still a dislike for his human life. HIs upbringing left him little to no social skills. Being an alien from a different planet has to do with some of it, but not all of it, Quill was proof of that. She was an alien as well but her social skills were far better than Charlie’s. He didn’t realize his social skills were poor. Not until detention. Slowly he connected the dots. 

Loneliness is a dangerous feeling, even more so when things have ended badly. No other contacts were on his phone. He wondered why that was. He thought he had been fitting in but he hadn’t been. That realization dawned on him in detention. He hadn’t been too worried about it before. No one really did anything. Strangers would look at him strangely, and Charlie would wonder why, but he never really knew. Post-detention, he was now more self-conscious than ever, even with his friends by his side. He was too blind to so many things and asked too many questions. Stupid, stupid questions. He was blunt, that was the word he was. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand humans (although he didn’t), it was that he didn’t understand _people._ He never had because he never really knew any people. Seventeen years he lived without a friend, and when he finally had the opportunity to make some he couldn’t. He didn’t know what to do or say, and whatever he did just seemed to be the opposite of fitting in. Instead he stood out. Why? Because others found him annoying.

He wanted to make more friends, but how could he when one of his greatest fears now was making a fool of himself, and annoying other people. He has suffered the feeling of loneliness. He has actually _been_ alone. He had thought that his fear of being alone would have made him far more sociable and outgoing than he was, but it didn’t. Charlie was to forever carry the fear of being alone. And quite possibly in future, he would be alone. He would be alone and he wouldn’t have a clue as to how to make a friend. On Rhodia he was alone, but he hadn’t realized it. Charlie sometimes wished he hadn’t realized it. He despised his human life for making him realize that, and he despised it for making him live with that horrible feeling. He hated that feeling, and he hated knowing that he was why he was alone. Well, outside of his friends, he had no one. He wasn’t alone but in the future he could be, and in the past he was.

Then there was a separate kind of loneliness. Quill experienced this as well. She hated it too. The lonely feeling that _truly_ no one would ever understand them. No person had the ability to fully understand another human being, but there was a large extent to where they did, but not with Charlie and Quill. There seem to be a small extent that which other people understood. Charlie and Quill understood each other better than most but yet they were limited as well. Everyone could understand a part of the two aliens, but it felt like a very small part. They could talk and talk and people would listen but never fully get it because they hadn’t lived their lives. 

Being the last of their kind was incredibly lonely. 

There were perks in Quill’s human life as well. After the arn was removed from her skull, she was able to fight for herself again. She could use guns, knives, whatever the hell she wanted, she could use it. Aliens wiggled their way through the crack on a almost weekly basis, and sometimes she got to fight those aliens. Sometimes she didn’t, mainly because sometimes the creature wasn’t something to physically fight, like the Lankin. But nevertheless, it remained constant in her life. 

She had found love as well. Briefly before with Andrea’s father, Ballon, and once again with Caroline. After the loss of her first love, she didn’t think that she’d find it again. Not because she wasn’t a catch, no Andra’ath was well aware that she was a beautiful woman, but because humans saw her differently. Humans saw Charles as an awkward idiot; meanwhile many saw Quill as cold. Humans were ridiculous, and sometimes not kind. Charles had his group of friends, but no one outside of that. And Quill, well… she didn’t have any friends. Tanya was far too young for her to be considered a friend. Besides, Quill saw her more as a clever girl whom she would protect from harm. 

But she had found love. She too hadn’t been searching for it when she had arrived on this planet, although she had craved it. Most people wanted affection, platonic or romantic it was desired, especially after witnessing everyone you ever knew die right before your eyes. Loneliness had sunk in slowly. It took time for everything to sink in. Quill didn’t really begin to accept it until weeks after being in her human skin. Loneliness had sunk in with acceptance and heartbreak and it was unbearable. She had no one but her enslaver, so in other words, she had no one. Wanting comfort in affection in that time was not a bad thing. Hell, wanting affection and comfort was _never_ bad thing. People need affection, that’s just a fact. Platonic or romantic, people needed those elements. Isolation was never good for anyone. She was lonely, and quite deprived of any other form of communication aside from the kids. She talked to other adults, of course, she did, but she only talked briefly. She didn’t really have anyone. 

Then she had met Ballon. He was the first in so long. Their romance was short-lived, much shorter than Quill had wanted it to be. She had gained her freedom and was ready to start a new life. A life filled with possibilities and changes. She was ready for a completely new life, one that she was in charge of completely. But that didn’t happen. 

The universe seemed set on constantly putting Quill in heartbreaking situations. The Rhodians took the resources of the Quill. Rhodians took the lives of her soldiers – friends – on the battlefield. She had to watch as every one of her species died. She was put on this ridiculous planet with her enslaver. The Doctor left her behind at a school. Then Quill had gotten her freedom. She had finally gotten what she wanted. With the help of Ballon – her friend – she had gotten the arn out of her skull. For the first time in months, someone held her. Had Andra’ath been given more time than she would’ve said that she was in love, but it was only a day. Still, she had feelings for him. And after she was free, after she was intimate for the first time in _months_ , they had to fight to the death. She had forgotten about her gun…It fires backwards on anyone who wasn’t Quill or Rhodian. He died. 

Then she was pregnant. _Months_ pregnant. It wasn’t exactly ideal. Quill loved her daughter, but she wished she had a bit more time. She wished she had her when she was supposed to have her. The Cabinet had sped up the pregnancy. Instead of having Andrea months down the line, she had her after one month. And she wished that she hadn’t found out differently. Waking up to a swollen belly, with no recollection of how or when it got there, was scary. She woke up confused and with a due date in a month. And she didn’t have anyone with her but her enemy. 

Eventually the time had come where she had to give birth to Andrea. The process was a human one. Quill had learned a little while before the birth that she would not die from her child. Her child was human. Of course she really wasn’t. She was half-Quill and half-shape shifter, but she had the natural appearance of a human. Quill wasn’t in her real form when she was conceived. While her daughter wasn’t human, she practically was one. It was difficult to explain. She basically had a human but also a non-human for a daughter. Because of this and because Quill was in her human form, the birth would just like the other mother’s on this planet.

She was small…and beautiful. And she was going to be strong. She was already strong; she was the daughter of a Quill. All Quill women are strong. Women in general are strong. Her daughter was going to be strong like a warrior. Maybe one day she would be a warrior as well. 

That was her year. It wasn’t even a full year yet. 

But right after that her daughter had come along things had begun to look up. It wasn’t one of those ‘oh I have a child and my life suddenly has meaning’ moments, Andra’ath’s life had plenty of meaning already, but it really was the beginning of a better time. It was most likely coincidence. Mayhem had calmed down a bit. The Shadowkin were no more. School was out for Christmas. The time was rather peaceful. Aliens had still found their ways through the crack - as they always would - but it had slowed down just a bit during that time. It was just enough for all of them to have time to themselves and to figure out the events that had occurred weeks prior.

Even after that, things in Andra’ath’s life were looking up, although the lack of sleep was a real pain in the ass. She was drinking more coffee than before. Charles kept to himself, which Quill was more than happy with. She met Caroline at the school. She was another teacher. She was a _good_ teacher, Quill might add. She was a genius. She was kind. And she was far more patient than Quill was. She was also incredibly beautiful. At the beginning, it had only been talking. They talked quickly and with ease surprisingly. She was a fast talker; meanwhile, Quill was fast with remarks.

The more they talked, the more flirty things had become, and the more Quill had begun to like her. She didn’t know that Andra’ath was an alien. She hadn’t stopped thinking about telling her ever since they officially started dating. She wanted to, she really did. Quill wanted to tell her everything about herself; Caroline had already revealed much of her own life, she wanted to do the same. She trusted her.

While Andra’ath did not like Charles, she doubted that he would have ever told Matteusz if the Shadowkin hadn’t attacked. The Doctor had advised him not to tell anyone. The little Prince believed the Doctor’s words to be the law. He would never disobey the Time-Lord. She didn’t know about now, but then he did. 

She wanted to tell her. More than anything she did. She wanted to so badly that some days she hoped an alien would come down and she would have to fight it in front of Caroline then explain to her that she was an alien. 

“Matteusz and I are going to the beach next weekend,” Charlie said, abruptly interrupting her thoughts, and breaking the solid silence in the room. “We’re going to ask the others to come along with us and I thought I’d ask you as well.” 

Their past was what separated and united them. What they have gone through together was what made the two understand each other. Charlie knew as well as Andra’ath that she too was suffocating here. There was a whole world out there that she hadn’t visited either, and yet here she was, stuck teaching a school. She continued to do it. Charlie didn’t know why she did, it didn’t seem like it was making her happy, but nevertheless she continued. Maybe she cared for the rest of the group. Perhaps she wanted to fight aliens. Charlie didn’t know and he thought that he shouldn’t ask. It wasn’t his business. 

He looked up from his bowl of mac and cheese to look at Quill. She was silent. Her tongue was prodding around the front of her teeth, puffing out the skin around it. Her eyebrow was raised as she glared at him. She didn’t know what to think of the request. Did she really want to go out with these ridiculous scoundrels? She already spent more time around them than she wanted to. But did she really want to stay near that school?

“You could invite Caroline if you wanted to,” Charlie added.

He was going to be with Matteusz but he could certainly take Andrea for a few hours if need be. They had their problems with each other. There were times where Charlie still despised Quill. He sometimes couldn’t stand her, but nevertheless he was grateful for her staying, and thankful that she kept him in the house. The house continued to be as cold and empty for him as it was all those months ago. It wasn’t his home. It would never be his home again, even if Matteusz moved in again, it would never return to the feeling it once held. But despite his hatred for the place, he was grateful that she didn’t throw him out. Maybe that was because she had every reason _to_ throw him out and yet she didn’t. Perhaps it was because he had his remote, little area in his room that he was happy to go back to every day. He hated this place, but at least there was a part in it that he could turn to. He had one teeny tiny part in his room, that was all he really had for a while, and she let him keep it. 

“You don’t have to make a decision now,” Charlie said. “I just wanted to ask you.” 

Quill was silent for another moment before asking Charles, “If the Shadowkin hadn’t attacked, would you have told your boyfriend that you were an alien?” 

Charlie hadn’t thought about that. Quill watched as his eyes traveled across the room, mind probably too deep in thought. She rolled her eyes and continued eating until the Prince decided to speak up. Charlie didn’t know if he would’ve. There was a chance that probably would’ve broken up with him sooner if he hadn’t. There was nothing to know for certain, Charlie was just guessing, if Charlie hadn’t told Matteusz that he was an alien, his strangeness that Matteusz was fond of went unexplained. Matteusz loved that about him when they first met, but Charlie wondered if that fondness would’ve eventually turned to dislike. He didn’t know for certain, but he wondered. Matteusz would tell him that no, he would not have left Charlie all because he was strange, but Charlie had grown to dislike so much about himself, that he would’ve believed the opposite of Matteusz’s words. 

Truth be told, he didn’t know. His life didn’t turn out that way. The Shadowkin did come and they had revealed his secret to Matteusz. His boyfriend knew, regardless of whether or not Charlie had wanted or planned on telling him. All he knew now was that he was grateful that Matteusz knew.

So Charlie said, “I don’t know.” 

Quill let out an irritated huff then Charlie added, “If you want to tell Caroline then you should. Half the school already knows that we aren’t “normal” people.” 

That was true. Most of Charlie’s year saw the two fighting against the Shadowkin. They might not acknowledge that memory, but deep down they knew.

Quill didn’t say anything. Her eyes only briefly flashed over to look at Charlie. 

They had another year to go. A lot could happen in a year. The last of their kinds, the lonely ones, the two aliens that occasionally comforted the other through dynamic. Sometimes they were even able to make the other feel better because they weren’t completely alone. Loneliness is a feeling that could haunt anyone and it resonated in both Charlie and Quill.

History, war, genocide, and saving, all rested between the two. They were on different sides but they had both lived through it and therefore understood it, even if it was from different perspectives. They remembered. They felt. They would never forget. 

The dynamic was well…interesting. Often it was filled with bitterness, anger, and resentment, but now it was towards each other for their own actions, not for the actions of their people. While both held grudges towards both species, it was not why they were angry at each other. There isn’t really a name for their dynamic, but what made this connection continue was that it made the other feel less lonely. Who knew how much longer they would decide to be in each other’s lives? And who knew how much longer that dynamic - that _feeling -_ would remain? While they definitely had it for another year, they might as well remember it. They might as well take advantage of that occasional comforting feeling before it disappeared. Who knew what they would feel like afterwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I officially made this into a series!
> 
> Feedback on this chapter would be great! Writing Quill and Charlie always makes me nervous.


	32. Why Can't I Do This?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I haven't had a chance to proofread this so forgive me for any errors. I plan on going back tomorrow and fixing whatever mistakes I have. The reason why I am posting this so soon is because I haven't updated in like over a month which feels like a year to me so I wanted to give you guys some content. 
> 
> Secondly, unless my next chapter doesn't end up being as long as I'd hoped, then I might add one more in-between but right now I'm planning on this being the second to last chapter. It's kind of a different chapter. This one is completely Charlie. No one else is present in this chapter. I believe that only other few times I've done this those chapters were only like a paragraph or so. Nothing much. But this one is 2,500 of just Charlie (and a little music). I hope you guys enjoy it!

Matteusz was on top of him, arms and legs spread out across the bed. Charlie had forgotten that his boyfriend often slept like a starfish. He tried moving around, trying to make Matteusz move in his sleep without waking him up. Charlie has done it before but he was having no luck. The crowded space wasn’t the only thing that was keeping him up. 

He was wide awake, which was the head space that Charlie didn’t want to be in. He wanted - _needed -_ to be passed out asleep. The trip was tomorrow. The trip he planned. The trip he had been dying to go on for ages. It was tomorrow and Charlie hadn’t gotten any sleep. They were only staying one day and Charlie was going to be exhausted that day because of his lack of sleep. Tomorrow was going to be either a freeing or heavy day. There was a chance of it being both. No matter the outcome, Charlie needed his energy for it. 

He wiggled out of his bed and out of his boyfriend’s arms. He sat on the edge and unbuttoned his shirt. He loved being close to Matteusz but sometimes his boyfriend was like a heater in his sleep, and that has always made Charlie very hot. He shrugged his pajama shirt and threw it on the floor. He looked at his phone which read 1:30 am. It was times like these where he missed schoolwork. Not school - not Coal Hill - but just the work of it. At least that way he would be productive. But school was out and Charlie had nothing to work on or to distract himself with. He didn’t have anything to work on to tire himself out. 

He considered getting back in bed with Matteusz, but he knew it wouldn’t do any good. He would just go back to lying in bed and staring up at the starry ceiling. The stars usually helped. They usually possessed the ability to calm him down. They also possessed the ability to make him think. Of course, tonight out of all nights was the time to think. Maybe there was a reason why they were making him think, but Charlie really wanted to go to bed and couldn’t be bothered with his thoughts at the moment. He didn’t want to think about any of it. He just wanted to wake up already, but he didn’t think that was going to happen. 

Quietly and carefully, Charlie slid off the edge of the bed. The ground was cool underneath his feet. He unplugged his phone from the charger, unlocked his phone, and turned up the brightness of his phone screen. He held his phone out in front of him as he moved through the room. The light from outside was bright enough so Charlie could see where he was going, but he wanted to grab a few things and that required more lighting. He quietly tugged out the drawer in his desk and took out a pack of pencils and a book. He quietly pushed it back in and tip toed out of the room.  

He went downstairs to the living room where he wrapped himself in a blanket and tossed his things onto the table. He switched on one of the lights so it wasn’t too bright in the room, but he was still able to see everything. He opened the coloring book and then threw himself down on the couch. He stared up at the ceiling. Again. His eyes closed shut in irritation. He couldn’t bear to stare up at the ceiling any longer, but he didn’t know if he had the energy to actually draw anything.  

Charlie held the blanket close to him. It was wrapped around his back and covered the bottom of his chest. He let the inevitable happen and he let his thoughts start reeling. 

He was worried…and scared, and he knew exactly why. This was a day he had dreamed of for a while. He didn’t like that it was shortened down to a day, but he’ll take what he could get. If a day was all he had then he wasn’t going to complain. Or at least, not out loud. He supposed that maybe he was allowed a few negative thoughts in his head. Although it still felt uncomfortable. Unless someone was evil or if Charlie _believed_ them to be evil, then he was uncomfortable complaining about other people. Complaining about someone you love was the normal on this world, and it was a normal that Charlie was trying to adapt to. This time it wasn’t to fit in.  

Matteusz had told him once that Charlie was not a horrible person for occasionally complaining about him. Whether that be in his head or not, Matteusz had told him that that didn’t make him a bad person. Charlie hadn’t done much complaining about him or anyone really. Except Quill, but that was different. They hated each other at the beginning. Charlie had no problem complaining about her and she most certainly had no trouble with complaining about him. She probably still hated him, understandably so. Charlie didn’t know how he felt about Quill. He was more just used to her presence. He didn’t think that he liked her really, but he definitely didn’t hate her. 

He was trying to break the habit of shoving each negative thought out of his head. Old habits die hard, he supposed. He still often bit his tongue. Mentally, he meant. If he ever did complain, then he most certainly never said it out loud. He didn’t think he could complain out loud about Matteusz or any of his friends, even if he wanted to. So baby steps first. He needed to not throw out such thoughts when he thinks of them.  

Now just because he didn’t complain about the people he loved, didn’t mean that he didn’t talk about things that were negative, aka disagreements, and usually those disagreements were serious. Disagreeing and possibly arguing wasn’t the same as complaining. Charlie has disagreed with the people he loved. He was in a relationship. Those don’t go without a few disagreements (like the Cabinet). Him and Matteusz, and him and his friends, have all had disagreements, and they’ve all had arguments. Their time in detention had certainly brought up many of arguments, some of which Charlie had already had with some of them (once again, cabinet, and Quill). He disagreed and sometimes argued, but that wasn’t the same as complaining.  

This has gone off topic.  

Charlie was annoyed at the fact that all he could get was a day, but that was not what was keeping him up. It was fear and sadness that kept him awake. Those had always the two feelings that kept him up. There were the usual feelings of worry and nervousness that have followed him and everyone else since they made the plan to do this, but there was something else.  

He wanted to leave. He has wanted that for a long time. Or at least, it felt like a long time. There was a high chance that it hadn’t been as long as he thought. A whole year hadn’t even passed but it felt like a lifetime to Charlie. He felt tired. He imagined that he was as tired as someone much older than he was, but he wasn’t certain. Mainly because he has yet to become that old. He felt it, but he wasn’t. Who knew how he would feel in ten years. That was if he lived ten more years.  

Aliens were unpredictable…as was life.  

Charlie wanted to leave. Permanently. He was worried that he would leave on this trip and never return. Charlie hadn’t even left yet and he didn’t want to return. He wanted to stay the hell away from Coal Hill and Shoreditch. He wanted to be anywhere else. He believed he had made that clear. He would come back, but what would happen after that? How would he be able to live back in Shoreditch, after having been away? It was only a day, but Charlie planned on taking in every second of it. How would his head space be after this trip?  

He didn’t have the answers to any of these questions. No one did. He hoped to forget them once they left. He did a lot of hoping.  

He wondered if he would be able to leave in future. He wondered if any of them would be able to. That was another question. Would aliens still come through the crack of all of space and time? Would he be able to leave without everything becoming worse? Maybe he could just leave and make the Govenors or UNIT take care of it. They should’ve. It never should’ve been them. Or at least, his friends never should’ve been the ones to deal with it. It should’ve been the Governors or UNIT. Aren’t they more equipped to deal with aliens? He doubted they would help anyway. The most they would do is probably make sure that there was another group of kids to take care of it. If he left - if they all left - what would happen?  

If he left, and his worst fears came true, then he would drown in guilt. Some days it felt like already he was. On others, he felt like he was barely getting by. But if he stayed, he would still drown. It was like he was trapped again. No matter what he did, he would die.  

He had people with him, people by his side, but he doubted they could help him. He doubted Matteusz would be able to find him. At least, not here.  

Charlie wondered if Matteusz _would_ be able to find him. He hoped that his boyfriend’s promise was not why he was with him. Charlie remembered bringing it up when he lost his temper. He hadn’t meant to make Matteusz feel guilty about it. He was frightened and confused so he left. Sometimes promises simply can’t be kept. But they had gotten back together since then, and Charlie didn’t know what that meant for that promise from months ago. It was a sweet gesture, but Charlie didn’t know if it was something they that should keep.  

Everyone should have someone. A friend or a lover, everyone should have someone. Charlie had that person. And he loved him very much. So much. But no matter how much Charlie loved Matteusz, and no matter how much Matteusz loved Charlie, their love couldn’t heal each other.  

That’s not to say that there wasn’t the possibility of Charlie getting better. In the past few months, Charlie had shown improvement. After having talked and reconnected with his friends, he had slowly started to improve. 

The reconnecting with his friends wasn’t and isn’t an instant solution either. It helped. One of the reasons being because Charlie wasn’t as lonely as before. He wasn’t all by himself. Loneliness makes everything worse. Having friends - having people that he could talk to - had made all the difference. It helped him cope just a bit better. 

There was only so much Matteusz could do to help Charlie. They talk so much – and it helped – but Charlie doubted that Matteusz could help with the guilt. Charlie doubted that there was anyone to help with the guilt of it all. There were many feelings that he believed would never go away. He hoped to be proven wrong. Maybe he would be proven wrong. But at the moment, that was how it felt. He didn’t believe that Matteusz had the ability to change any of that, and he didn’t want his boyfriend thinking that it was his responsibility to. As a couple, they need to care for one another and support each other, and sometimes that was the most they could do, and sometimes that’s the most they need. Sometimes all a person needs is for someone to be there for them.  

Charlie sat up and stared down at the coloring book on the table. He fisted his hands in his hair and sighed. _Do it_ , he repeated to himself. He knew he wanted to, but he hadn’t in such a long time. It should be easy, all he had to do was fill in the spaces, but he was so nervous about it. It should be easy, so why was he so afraid? His hands were lightly twitching in his hair. He let go and instead put his hands in his lap. He wanted to do it so badly, but… 

He didn’t know what good was going to come out of it. He looked down at his hands. The same hands that held a gun. The same hands that killed his best friend. The hands that failed his people and eliminated. He looked down and continued to see the hands of a monster. No matter how many times he told himself that it wasn’t his fault, he still couldn’t shake the guilty feeling. He stared down at his hands and remembered all of the destruction they’ve caused. What good could he do with them? 

Charlie unpacked the box of pencils, hoping that perhaps it would give him the courage to it. He wanted to. He really did. He was so close to doing it, he could feel it. He just needed…He didn’t know what he needed but he knew he needed to hear something else other than his thoughts. 

Charlie unlocked his phone and pressed on the iPod. He scrolled though his short music playlist and found something to listen to. He pressed on the song, turned the volume down, and quietly let it play on the table in front of him. He picked up a pencil and held it in his hand while he listened. His eyes were closed shut as he listened to the lyrics of the song. He let himself get lost in it. It was a rather soothing melody, filled with nothing but a voice and a guitar.

 

_Now that I’ve worn out, I’ve worn out the world._

 

Charlie ended up not drawing anything that morning. Matteusz had woken up shortly after to find Charlie sleeping on the couch with the song still playing. He had gathered his boyfriend up in his arms and carried him back up to their bed. He hadn’t drawn anything, the page was empty and the pencil had fallen on the floor, but that was all right. Some goals can’t be achieved as fast as we want them too. Everything takes time, and that’s okay. Charlie didn’t accomplish the goal that he wanted to that morning, but he still accomplished something. He found a way to lose himself.

 

_I’m on my knees in fasciation_

_Looking through the night_

_And the moon’s never seen me before_

_But I’m reflecting light_

 

For a few short hours, he found peace in his slumber.

Charlie didn’t know it – he didn’t believe it either – but eventually he was going to be alright. It will be a long journey but he’ll get there.

Charlie Smith was going to be ok.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you have watched Gilmore Girls, then you should've known that I was going to fit in "Reflecting Light" somehow. 
> 
> Once again, I apologize for any errors. I will fix them. But I am also about to go on a little trip and I wanted to make sure that I got this up. 
> 
> Feedback is greatly appreciated! Sorry for taking so long to update. College has been keeping me busy.


	33. Have You Ever Heard Of The Loch Ness Monster?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks and a day at the beach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! The last chapter of An Analysis of Charlie Smith.

**Rhodia**

_Charlie lied on his back in his bed and stared up at the ceiling. His hands were interlaced with each other and gently resting on his chest. His body was straight, perfectly aligned. He looked more like an organized corpse than he did a person. Of course, once he fell asleep, he would move out of that position, but he always stayed like that until he fell unconscious. His thumbs wrestled with each other as he stared up at textured ceiling. There wasn’t anything on it. It was a plain ceiling, but it was texturized, and sometimes one could make faces or figures out of texture._

_Charlie had always liked doing that. He liked trying to find faces or pictures in the ceiling that could help him create a story before falling asleep. Usually he was always able to find something quickly, but it seemed to be that that was not going to happen tonight. He didn’t know why but for once the textures looked like what they were. There weren’t any pictures on the ceiling. He was unable to find something this time. Instead, it appeared to be blank. There were no stories to create. There weren’t any people or ideas to dream up._

_That left Charlie alone. Completely alone. There wasn’t anyone in his mind, not anyone new. When he created stories, he didn’t want to think about his parents. What story would that be? Of course, he loved his mother, and he had loved his father, but he liked thinking about other people for a few brief moments before falling asleep. He liked to put himself in the stories. He liked to meet the other people he created. He liked to imagine becoming friends with them._

_He couldn’t find anything to think of, and he didn’t know what to think of. He wanted to friend - he wanted to meet one in his head - but there wasn’t anyone there for him either. It was empty._

_Charlie started to panic. The feeling of loneliness had begun to settle in, but he hadn’t known back then what that feeling was called. He didn’t know he was lonely – he didn’t know what that was - he only knew that he was upset. It was weird experiencing a feeling and not having a word for it. Charlie didn’t know what many feelings were called. He didn’t know what some feelings were. He had felt emotions that he didn’t know the name for, and he had yet to experience certain feelings._

_Was he supposed to feel like this? Was he supposed to be upset? Why was he sad? Was he allowed to feel such a thing? He had plenty in his life. Or, he had enough. He had enough, right? He knew people, and they liked him…right? And he had a loving mother. She was strict but she was strict because she cared about him…right? She loved him and he loved her. He had loved his father as well. And they were good to him and they cared about him…right?_

_What was he saying? Of course they did! They had to. He shouldn’t be doubting them. He shouldn’t doubt them in anyway. If his mother heard his thoughts, she would tell him how disrespectful he was being. How disrespectful was being to her and to his deceased father. And Charlie would believe every single word she said, and he would feel guilty about it - so guilty that he would most likely cry in front of her – and she might just tell him that wasn’t feeling guilty enough about it. She would call it a betrayal, and it is. That was what he has been taught. To think negatively about his parents – to remotely even doubt his parents – meant absolute betrayal. Charlie would suddenly be a traitor his family and his people._

_He wasn’t a traitor. He didn’t want to be one. The thought of being one – the thought of being seen as one – by his parents, by anyone, was a gut-wrenching feeling. It was such an awful feeling that sometimes Charlie felt sick by it. Once he had actually gotten sick because of it. It was when he was little. He had said somethings that his mother didn’t like and she had become quite angry with him. Afterwards, he had sobbed in his bedroom. It was one of those heavy, throat ripping sobs where one might heave and gasp during it. Charlie remembered that he had been heaving so much that he could hardly breathe and at one point he had begun to gag which quickly led to his stomach twisting up and he vomited on the floor in his room._

_He had felt so guilty and he had felt – he had felt_ **_something_ ** _else_ _but Charlie didn’t know what it was, he just knew that it felt awful. So awful that he had thrown up in his room._

_Charlie never wanted to go through that again. Of course, occasionally he did, but not to that extent. He hasn’t felt that awful in a long time. He has cried, but hasn’t sobbed. He has felt guilty but he hasn’t felt that awful feeling again. He doubts less and less and he is faithful in what his parents teach him. He hadn’t always but he was now. They coaxed him into that spot with fear, but Charlie didn’t know that. After all, how could he know that that was their tactic when he has only ever endured that treatment? It was normal to him. It was the only life he ever knew. There wasn’t anyone around to tell him otherwise._

_He believed in them. He believed in what they and his tutors taught him. He knew people. He was certain they liked him. They were nice to him. They talked to him. They must’ve liked him, right? Were they his friends? He didn’t know. It didn’t feel like they were. People in the castle were nice and they talked to Charlie occasionally but…He couldn’t put his finger on it. There was something missing there. He didn’t know what it was._

_Was a missing feeling something worthy of being upset over? Charlie didn’t know. He didn’t think so but yet he was upset over it. In fact, he wanted to cry over it. He didn’t know what he wanted but he knew he didn’t have it. Sometimes Charlie felt like he had everything in the world except what he truly wanted. He knew it was a silly thing to think about – he was very fortunate – but it was the truth. Almost everything felt pointless to him. It hadn’t always been but at some point in his life it had become that. He used to have toys and he took great pleasure in playing with them when he was younger, but as he got older, he didn’t enjoy them as much. Not when he was by himself. It grew tiresome._

_Charlie wondered why he didn’t have anyone else. Why did he feel this way? Why was he so upset? Why did he feel so…? He didn’t know the word for it. He didn’t know any of the words for anything. He was so confused. Why was his room so quiet? Why was it so_ **_empty_ ** _? He didn’t understand it, he didn’t understand any of it. He didn’t understand why he felt like this, or why he thought this, or why…There was so much confusion in his life._

_Charlie stared down at his hands. He had seen something the other day. He saw two people holding hands. Charlie wondered why someone would want to do that. What made them want to do it. There must be something to do it. They seemed awfully fond of each other. They clearly had some sort of relationship. Charlie didn’t know what it was, he didn’t want to make any assumptions, but they were in some sort of relationship. Charlie didn’t know why but he suddenly wanted that. He wanted to hold someone’s hand and he wanted someone to want to hold his hand. He wanted someone to want him as much as he wanted them. Charlie wanted people in his life. He didn’t want to be alone._

_Was that what he was feeling? Did it have some correlation to being alone? Could he feel it? Was that a thing? To not only be alone but to_ **_feel_ ** _alone? Charlie didn’t know for certain, and sadly, there was no one to ask about it, because why would a Prince feel lonely? Why would he feel such a thing when he has so much? He shouldn’t feel this way. He wasn’t worthy of feeling such a thing. Yes, he was unworthy. Surely some people on Rhodia have had worse than him and yet here he was, upset over being alone. He shouldn’t complain, should he?_

_For a Prince, he felt he knew very little, but perhaps his status was why he knew as little as he did about such things._

**Weeks After _That_ Day**

_Charlie rolled over in his bed to find it empty. He knew why it was empty. He knew that it would be empty when he woke up. Mainly because Matteusz told him that he wouldn’t be sleeping in the house for a few days. Charlie didn’t know where he was staying. He only knew where he wasn’t staying, and that was here. He hoped it wasn’t in his cousin’s car again but Matteusz didn’t say anything. Charlie had only asked if he had a place to stay and he had said yes. That was all they really said. That was probably the longest conversation they had had since Charlie…did all of that._

_Still, while Charlie knew Matteusz wouldn’t be there beside him, it still broke his heart to find it his new reality. Matteusz would never be there again. He had been staying with him the past few weeks, but that was probably more because Charlie had been waking up in terrible fits. They weren’t fits but Charlie wanted to sum it up. They hadn’t gotten any better really. Charlie supposed that he had gotten good at hiding it. Matteusz knew about many of his problems still, but he was under the impression that Charlie was okay enough for him to leave for a week or so. He had gotten that impression because that was the one Charlie had given him._

_He was miserable but not suicidal. He would cry but he wouldn’t cause any harm to himself. Charlie most certainly wanted to but he had kept that from Matteusz. He could see that the polish boy was going mad being stuck inside this house with Quill and Charlie. Matteusz wasn’t happy, he was terrified. So for his sake, Charlie faked it. He faked it so Matteusz would leave. He has ruined the lives of the people he loved. He didn’t want cause any more damage. He wanted Matteusz leave and save himself. So Charlie faked it. He didn’t want Matteusz to stay be miserable because of Charlie. He didn’t want him to do that._

_Charlie took his boyfriend’s pillow - most likely soon to be ex-boyfriend - and held it close to his chest. He buried his face in it and let himself break down. A sob ripped out of his throat. Charlie was grateful that the pillow was there to muffle it. His body was shaking as everything rose to the surface. Everything he had hidden was suddenly ripping through him. Charlie had felt like he was being torn apart into pieces, and he would continue to be teared until there was nothing left of him. Guilt, anxiety, fear, heartbreak, and trauma was taking over. Charlie couldn’t think straight – he couldn’t think at all. He could only feel pain._

_He was heaving and gasping so much that Charlie wondered if he was even breathing. He was getting air into his lungs but it didn’t feel like it. His throat felt sore with every sob he let out. He hasn’t felt like this in over ten years. He hasn’t cried like this since he was a child. He didn’t know it was possible to still shed these kinds of tears. Even after Rhodia, he didn’t cry those tears. He cried - he cried so much - but it wasn’t like this. Maybe that was because so much more has happened. It was Rhodia + the past few weeks. It was unbearable._

_His throat was sore and his stomach – his stomach – fuck, Charlie was going to be sick. He threw the pillow across the bed and sprinted from his room to the bathroom, where he threw up the contents of his stomach into the toilet. It was quick but awful. Charlie was shaking so much and he was in such physical pain that he cried._

_And as quickly as it happened, his body went completely lax. His head rested on the seat of the toilet while he caught his breath. Tears unknowingly fell from his eyes, but he had quit shaking. That had taken everything out of him. Probably soon, Charlie wouldn’t be able to cry. He would probably be fast asleep in his bed or on the bathroom floor, past out from exhaustion. His throat was burning. That was the only thing he could feel. Everything else was numb and weak. His hand went up to the handle on the toilet and flushed it, then he fell to the floor._

_It was cool against his burning face. It was helping. His body had felt like it was on fire only a moment ago, now it was quickly cooling down._

_He was alone again. He was lost. He was lost and alone. Charlie didn’t know how to find his way out and he didn’t know if he even_ **_wanted_ ** _to find his way out. It all felt a bit pointless now. Why work towards recovery when everything will be taken away again anyway? He didn’t know for certain if that would happen but it felt like the most likely outcome of his life. Why work for recovery only to fall harder than he did before? It made very little sense to him._

_He didn’t know what he was going to do. He tried to take his life, but…he was stopped, and he didn’t know if was going to try again. He wanted someone else to do it for him. He didn’t want to be alive anymore, but he didn’t think he could do it. Quill wouldn’t do it, and she was the only one Charlie knew who would be willing to kill him. The only one who wanted it and she wouldn’t do it._

**You have to live with the sacrifice.**

_Maybe so. That was what Charlie deserved, wasn’t it? He failed. He failed in every way possible. He failed his people. He failed his friends. He failed Matteusz. He has failed as a Prince. He had failed his duty – his sole purpose of being alive – he_ **_failed_ ** _. What was he supposed to do now? All he has ever done is rule, and when he arrived on earth, all he did was fret and worry and think about the Cabinet of Souls and his people. All of it was gone now. Everyone was gone. They were gone, leaving him all alone. He deserved to live a lonely life, didn’t he? After everything, that was what he deserved. Still, it didn’t mean that that was what he wanted._

_He wanted someone here with him. He wanted Matteusz here with him. He wanted to be held. He wanted to be spoken to. He wanted someone to help him – to comfort him. He wanted to be wanted by someone else. He didn’t want to be alone. He was so scared of being alone again, he didn’t want it. He wanted – he wanted…_

_Charlie was softly crying on the bathroom floor, arms across his chest, holding himself tightly. If he didn’t, then who would?_

_Charlie wanted to go back. He didn’t know when but he wanted to go back. He wanted everyone back. He didn’t want to be_ **_this_ ** _. He was horrible – awful. He wanted to apologize for everything. He wanted to apologize to Matteusz about detention. He wanted to take everything back. He didn’t want to be here, he hadn’t wanted any of this to happen, he wanted to go back. He wanted to be loved again. He wanted to have a family again. He didn’t want to be alone. He already felt lonely enough as it was. He didn’t want to be alone again and_ **_feel_ ** _it. One of the worse feelings was being alone and feeling it. Another terrible feeling was being with a group of people and still feeling alone. Both of them were equally horrible. it. One of the worse feelings was being alone and feeling it. Another terrible feeling was being with a group of people and still feeling alone. Both of them were equally horrible emotions. Charlie had been on the receiving end of both. But still…he didn’t want to be alone anymore._

_Loneliness is a feeling. A feeling that Charlie has become quite familiar with. He knew that it was a feeling but he didn’t know anything else about it. He knew what it felt like but that was it. He didn’t know how it had affected him. He didn’t realize how scared he was of it until he had made some friends. He didn’t realize how much it scared him until he had something to lose. Charlie had experienced the feeling on Rhodia, but it was nothing compared to what he was feeling now._

_Eventually Charlie had calmed down. Somehow, despite his dehydration, he was still crying, but he wasn’t sobbing anymore. He picked himself off the bathroom floor and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked horrible. Charlie has never seen himself like this. His eyes were red and puffy, his face was tear-stained and red as well. He looked like a boy – a child. Charlie wasn’t a child, he was never given the opportunity to be one, but for once he looked it. He wiped the snot off his face. He filled up one of the plastic cups with water and drank it. He had many cups before tossing the cup away and going back to his room._

_It was cold when he entered it. Cold and empty. Shoulders slouched, and head bent down, Charlie walked back to his bed. He picked up Matteusz’s pillow and the decorative pillows and tucked them all underneath the covers. He closed the curtains and turned off any remaining lights that were on. He buried himself underneath the blankets on his bed and hugged the pillows tightly. They weren’t a person – they didn’t feel anything like one – but Charlie could still hold it in the middle of the night. It was the most he could get. The scent of Matteusz was still on one, he could pretend for one more night that he was there. He shouldn’t pretend. He was fond of denial but this was something he couldn’t ignore. For one night, in the shadows, he was going to pretend that his boyfriend was there, after that he was going to wash the sheets._

_This was the life that Charlie was going to have to get used to living._

**Beach**

_“_ How are you feeling?” Matteusz asked, tucking a lose strand of hair behind Charlie’s ear. The two were sitting up close to the shoreline. Everyone else was further away from it. Well, all except Quill and Caroline, they went somewhere else the second they had stepped onto the beach. 

Charlie had tucked his knees underneath his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He shrugged his shoulders, giving an eh response, mainly because he didn’t know what all to say. It was such a complicated question and that was why Matteusz asked him. He wanted to know whatever was going on in Charlie’s head. He wanted the whole answer, an answer which was long quite frankly. 

“I’m tired,” He started, turning to look at Matteusz. “But you knew that already.”

“Was there something wrong last night?” Matteusz questioned next. He was well aware that maybe he should’ve asked that question earlier, but there were so few chances to have this conversation. They woke up and immediately started getting ready to go, then they actually left, then they got to the beach, and so much had happened once they had arrived that Matteusz couldn’t bring it up. Until they had all taken a little break from activities then Matteusz tore Charlie away so he could talk to him. 

Charlie was quiet for a moment, thinking about all he had thought about the previous night. Short answer, Charlie nodded. He wouldn’t say that something was wrong, it was more like he was troubled by his own thoughts, but he just nodded his head. No matter what, Matteusz was going to ask what was wrong. 

Charlie turned his head to look at Ram, April, and Tanya. April and Tanya were putting sand on Ram’s feet while he was – sleeping? – Charlie wasn’t sure. He was lying down and his eyes were closed. Maybe he was letting them bury him in sand. That was weird. Why would he do it? What if a crab was buried in the sand and pinched his feet? He was barefoot, by the way. That seemed unsafe. He could very easily step on a broken shell or some sharp piece of trash. April was telling them earlier how she had once found a glass bottle buried in the sand in the ocean. She said she had almost stepped on it. Charlie was horrified by that story so he hasn’t taken his shoes off. 

He shrugged his shoulders again, unsure about what to say. There were many things wrong, but Charlie couldn’t list them all. And to be honest, Charlie didn’t want to talk about it all. He only had one day – he only had a few hours left – he didn’t want to talk about it all… That was a lie, he did, but he didn’t know how. 

He stared out at the ocean. The dark, blue ocean. The waves rose up and crashed back down. It washed up, bringing sand and small shells to the shore. It was calming. It was beautiful. It was exactly what Charlie wanted. He wanted to wrap himself in it. He wanted the view, the feeling, the sounds, to stay with him forever, but it wouldn’t, would it? The memory would stay in his mind, but the feeling wouldn’t last forever, right? It would be hard to remember how it felt years from now. Charlie didn’t remember how _that day_ felt anymore, he only knew how it felt afterwards. 

That day - the day it all happened - seemed to be a blur in his mind. He remembered it. He would always remember it, but it felt far away. He didn’t know how it felt - he remembered _what_ he felt - but he didn’t know what it felt like anymore. Did that make sense? No one can remember exactly _how_ a past feeling has felt, they only remember that they felt it. Feelings are complicated and almost always different. 

As time passes, feelings change. Love can deteriorate or transform into companionship. As time passes, feelings change. Guilt can worsen until total consumption or it can ease until it’s hardly noticeable. As life continues, things and feeling change. Nothing ever remains the same. Charlie knew that for certain. In the past few months, he has felt an abundant amount of emotions. It was incredible and awful how much he felt. Nothing has felt the same. With every passing day, he changes. Some days, he feels better. Others, he feels god awful. Sometimes the lows are lower than his previous lowest, and sometimes not as much. Sometimes his highs are higher than the predecessor, and sometimes not.  

Nothing was ever the same. Everything was always different. Even the person that lived the most repetitive lifestyle would always come across a few differences in their day to day life. 

How Charlie’s mind railed on like this, he didn’t know. His head felt chaotic and full and disruptive. It felt like one thought was being cut off by another. He was thinking so much nowadays. He supposed that was good. He was thinking for himself. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do with these thoughts. Some of his thoughts were interesting but he didn’t know if they were worth sharing. They weren’t his feelings – they weren’t about him – they were just random thoughts he dwelled on. Not everyone needed to know every little detail about his head. Still, Charlie was a bit worried that his head might explode from carrying so many thoughts. 

“I don’t know what I’m going to do after this,” Charlie finally said. He didn’t know how long he was quiet. He never knew how much time passed while he was in his head, but he answered. Matteusz’s brow furrowed, and before he had the chance to ask, Charlie continued. “I just…I don’t know, I’m just worried, I supposed.”

Matteusz turned so him and Charlie were facing each other. He picked up Charlie’s hand from the sand and held it in his. Charlie looked down at their intertwined hands. And like always, Matteusz wondered what he was thinking about. For a moment, it was like Charlie was mesmerized by the sight of their hands laced together. They’ve held each other’s hands _many_ times, and sometimes Charlie didn’t do anything else but stare and feel the skin on Matteusz’s hand. He sometimes liked to trace it. Matteusz had initially thought that Charlie had wanted to look at it for a drawing, but that didn’t seem to be the case. 

Matteusz took his right hand and cupped the other side of Charlie’s hand. Matteusz watched Charlie as Charlie watched his fingers run over his own hand. Matteusz could see Charlie – he was so close. Of course, Charlie was right in front of him, but for a moment he was lost inside his own head, but Matteusz could see that he was coming back up to the surface. With every touch, he was becoming more awake. Maybe he was trying to find the words to say to Matteusz. Perhaps he really loved it when Matteusz held his hand. Matteusz himself loved it. 

He looked over his shoulder and met Tanya’s eyes. She stopped burying Ram’s feet in the sand for a moment and looked back and forth between him and Charlie. He gave a small shrug before returning his attention back to Charlie, who was now looking at Matteusz. 

“Do you think we’ll ever get away from Coal Hill?” Charlie asked. His eyes were sad. Matteusz wanted to tell him yes, but he didn’t know. He gently squeezed Charlie’s hand, looked into his eyes, and told him the truth. 

“I don’t know,” He said. His voice was quiet, but loud enough to be heard over the waves. He knew why Charlie wanted to get away. They went on this trip because they _all_ wanted to get away. Some days, being in Shoreditch was too much. It was overwhelming and _painful_ and stressful, but that was already clear. 

Charlie took in a deep breath, jaw clenched, and eyes sharp. He looked out to the sea and then back at their hands. Matteusz cupped the side of his jaw and gently lifted his face. His eyes were slowly turning red as they welled with tears. Matteusz leaned in, pressing their foreheads against one another. He listened to Charlie’s breathing, stroked his hand, and held his head. 

Matteusz didn’t know what the future held. He couldn’t make any promises about it. In fact, Matteusz didn’t want to make any more promises at all. Except one. 

“I promise to love you today,” He said, looking deeply into Charlie’s eyes. “And tomorrow I will make this promise again. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but we will figure it out, kochanie. Ok?”

Charlie nodded and Matteusz pressed a quick kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead. And yeah, Charlie had a lot more to say, and he would most likely tell Matteusz everything else later, but for right now he stopped there. Matteusz’s words were good to hear. They made him feel a little better. He was good with words, and he was smart – so fucking smart. Charlie loved him. He loved him. Charlie tilted his head up, leaned in, and kissed Matteusz. 

When they broke apart, Charlie said, “I love you.”

A smile quickly spread over Matteusz’s face, but he quickly tried to contain it. Probably because Charlie’s eyes were still a little wet. Charlie kissed him again, trying to get him to smile, maybe even blush. He smiled and Charlie did too. 

 

**____________________**

 

The five of them were standing in a line on the shore. Their feet were buried in the sand and drenched in water. Charlie curled his toes around the wet beneath his feet. April had convinced him to go barefoot for at least an hour. It was nice. It was much easier to walk across the sand barefoot than in shoes. The water felt good against his warm feet. After a quick second, a woman handed April back her phone and she thanked her for taking the picture. 

“Aw, I love it,” April said, and the rest of them gathered around to look at the picture. It was very beautiful. Their silhouettes were clear and strong against the yellow, orange sky. The sun was setting, and soon they would have to be leaving, but until then, they would continue to do whatever the hell they wanted. And for some weird reason, what they wanted to do, was stand in the water. 

After catching a glimpse of the picture, they all returned to their spots and created a uniform line. Their hearts about burst out of their chests when Charlie unexpectedly jumped back in the water saying, “Holy shit.”

“What?” Tanya asked, voice alarmed. 

Charlie held onto Matteusz’s arm as he looked down into the water. Matteusz was by his side with a great big smile across his face. “Sorry,” Charlie apologized to them, pointing down at the water. “I didn’t see the fish.”

“Did you say ‘shit’ earlier?” Tanya asked. She had a bright smile on her face, clearly amused. No one knew if she was amused by Charlie’s reaction to the fish around his feet or by him swearing. Charlie nodded his head, and Tanya’s smile grew, nose scrunching up like she was laughing. Maybe she was laughing. Some people do have a silent laugh. Either way, laughing or not, it was good to see her smile. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear before.”

“I have,” April and Matteusz said in unison. 

“Really?” Ram asked, looking over at April, and she nodded in response. “Shit,” Ram said as fishes nibbled on his feet. “I don’t like fishes.”

“Why not?” April asked, laughing a bit. 

“Because there’s so many of them! And we don’t know every type of fish. For all we know, something like the Loch Ness monster’s down there.”

“Or Godzilla,” Tanya added. She looked dead serious for a moment but quickly broke down and laughed.  

“Yes! Or Godzilla!” Ram agreed. Then he turned around and narrowed his eyes at Tanya, which made her laugh ever more. 

“What are those?” Charlie questioned, looking between them and Matteusz. 

“The Loch Ness monster is, uh…” Matteusz snapped his hands, trying to figure out how to explain it. Everyone else exchanged glances, unsure of how to explain the Loch Ness monster to Charlie. Everyone knew about it. Any kid could find it in a silly, superstitious magazine, or at a bookstore that usually only tourists visit. “Here,” Matteusz said. He pulled out his phone and began typing. 

“Don’t drop your phone,” Tanya said teasingly. Matteusz had problem with dropping his phone everywhere. He narrowed his eyes at Tanya for a moment and she laughed again. 

“What, she’s right,” Charlie said to Matteusz. Matteusz shook his head and smiled. 

“Here it is,” Matteusz showed Charlie his phone. 

Everyone watched as Charlie’s eyes widened. He took Matteusz’s phone and enlarged the picture, “What? Is that in the ocean?” He was seriously concerned by the picture. 

“Actually, it’s supposed to be in a lake in Scotland,” April reassured him that he would not be attacked by Nessie. “No one knows for sure if it’s real.”

“It probably is,” Charlie said, handing Matteusz his phone back. Charlie was living proof to not doubt the existence of other creatures and beings. Clearly no one would ever be 100% certain of what the world or the universe contained. Ram gave a disgusted expression at Charlie’s words. He did not like the ocean. And in this case, he didn’t like lakes either. “What’s Godzilla?”

“It’s a monster in a movie,” Tanya quickly explained. Matteusz showed Charlie his phone again and the alien boy nodded. 

“What are you all talking about?” Quill asked, already completely disinterested. So, like, in her normal voice. Quill handed Andrea over to Charlie for a moment, and the alien boy smiled at the baby. 

“Loch Ness monster.” Tanya smiled at her and Caroline. 

“Oh, what about it?” Caroline’s voice rose in curiosity. 

“We were just telling Charlie about it. He hasn’t heard of it before,” April said. 

“I’m from Sheffield,” Charlie explained, uncertain if Quill has told Caroline yet if they’re aliens. Caroline smiled and nodded her head, which wasn’t any help to Charlie. She either believed his lie or saw straight through it. He couldn’t tell. 

“Do you know about Nessie?” Caroline turned to Quill and asked. 

She pursed her lips and shrugged her shoulders. 

“Here,” Matteusz handed Caroline his phone and she handed it to Quill. 

Her eyes widened and she enlarged the picture. “Is that in the ocean?” She pointed out to the water in the distance. 

“It’s in Scotland,” Ram said. 

“And no one actually knows if it’s real or not,” Tanya reassured her. 

“It probably is,” She sighed, and everyone else tried to hold in their laughter. 

Charlie and Quill were exceptionally different, but sometimes they did have these moments with humans, where their reactions were the same. They still sometimes saw humans differently, but sometimes they didn’t. 

“Do you think Nessie’s real, Ms. Kapoor?” Tanya asked her. 

She shrugged her shoulders. “She very well could be. There’s no telling what’s out there. There are so many things that haven’t been discovered yet, so I think that it’s plausible.”

Tanya nodded her head. “That’s the right answer.”

Quill smiled at her then smiled at Caroline. She took her girlfriend’s hand in hers and they stared out into the sunset as well. 

“What the hell were you even doing?” Quill asked, staring at the five of them. 

“Well, I had wanted a picture of us standing in the water, and after that we just kinda stayed here,” April said, tucking her hair behind her ear. Her hair was long. In fact, she had been thinking about getting it cut. She’ll probably do it a little past her chin. 

“Oh, April could you take a picture of me and Andrea?” Caroline asked.

“Andrea?” All the kids said. 

“Your name’s not Quill?” Ram’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. 

Quill didn’t tell anyone her first name. The Polish one and Tanya have asked her but she lied and told them her name was Quill. Charles had asked why she had chosen to name her child Andrea, but she had just said that she liked the name. She didn’t tell him what her name was. As much as she liked Tanya, the child didn’t need to know everything about her. Her name was sacred to her. It was something she only wanted the people closest to her to know. She only wanted the people she trusted with her life to know. Unfortunately, she had forgotten to tell Caroline that she didn't want them knowing this. Oh, well, it was too late to tell her now. 

She has known Caroline for a year. During that entire year, they have been talking. Besides Armitage, she was the only one Quill liked at that school. Hell, for a while, she was the only one Quill liked in all of Shoreditch. It was a very slow development. It started with mindless chit chat that Quill actually didn’t mind and that developed into full length conversations about The Hunger Games books which then led to conversations about their lives and jobs and such which eventually led to Quill realizing that she liked talking to her and asked to get her coffee. Then sometime after that, Quill realized that she liked her. Like, she _liked_ her. Quill never thought that she would end up developing feelings for a human, but she did.

Everyone was silent for about a minute, looking around at each other. Everyone felt a bit guilty for not knowing that. 

“I’ll take the picture,” April said. Everyone stepped away from the couple, making sure they were out of the shot. April knelt down on the sand and clicked on the phone a few times. She gave Caroline her phone back and stepped back into the water.  

“Oh, I love these,” Caroline gushed, looking through the pictures with Quill. 

“Can we call you Andrea?” Tanya asked. 

“Absolutely not,” Quill answered without looking up from the phone. 

“So, you named Andrea after you,” Matteusz pointed up, smiling at the child. Quill begrudgingly nodded her head. 

“Oh, I love that,” April said. “You never see any mother’s name their child after them.”

“Yeah, it’s always the dad’s,” Tanya chimed in. 

Silence fell over them once more, but it was broken by Ram. “Do you guys know about bigfoot?” He asked.

 

____________

 

They were all quiet in the car ride, but it was peaceful, not awkward. The day was satisfying and the night was as well. The stars were out, shining brightly in the sky. Charlie has lived on two different worlds and he has yet to see a star up close. Based on the expectations put on aliens by humans, he should’ve seen plenty, but he hasn’t. He has only seen them from the ground of planets. He liked the idea of seeing a star. He liked the idea of traveling through them on his own will. He didn’t have the option to before. He was whisked away and taken to a different planet to escape the monsters. The Doctor was very quick paced to get him and Quill there. 

The music from Ram’s phone floated throughout the car. It was quiet. The song itself was probably rather loud - Ram liked this band called Fall Out Boy and they liked to scream sometimes - but the volume was low in the car. Charlie was surprised to find himself calmed by the music. His eyelids felt heavy, he could easily fall asleep on Matteusz’s shoulder. Everyone was at peace. They had actually got away Coal Hill without anything happening. A day was nothing compared to the idea of leaving for an entire lifetime, but it gave them hope that maybe they could do this again. Quite possibly, even longer. 

Charlie looked at everyone in the car. The night was dark but Charlie could still see them. Tanya was beside him, so was Matteusz, and April and Ram were in the front. Quill, Caroline, and Andrea had taken Quill’s car. Yes, Quill had a car, one that she had forbid anyone else but her from using. She had created that rule when they had first arrived. She had claimed that it was for his best interest because he would et some exercise on the walk back to the house from Coal Hill. After a while, the rule seemed pointless, because Charlie was running all over Shoreditch because of aliens. But she kept the rule. He had argued against it but she then countered with the fact that he had failed the driving test. Charlie was too embarrassed to continue to argument so he had shut up. 

He took Matteusz’s hand from his lap and held it. He felt a kiss pressed to his head and he smiled. Today was emotional, a bit terrifying, and amusing. He hoped to god that Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster weren’t real but…Well, they fought aliens on almost a weekly basis. Charlie was unfortunately confident in the fact that both those things were probably real. After today, Charlie made the decision not to go swimming in Loch Ness. He didn’t like aliens, let alone creatures that he couldn’t see in the water. 

Charlie wasn’t going to cry like how he has in the past. He wasn’t sad. He was overwhelmed but he wasn’t sad. He didn’t think he was going to cry. A part of him wanted to, but he didn’t. He wasn’t against crying in that moment, it simply didn’t happen. His chest wasn’t heavy with fear or anxiety or sadness, it felt almost like it was blooming. He was feeling so much and he wasn’t quite sure what everything was. He wasn’t exactly happy, but he wasn’t sad, but he wasn’t in the middle either. 

It might’ve been relief. Relief and thanks. Maybe that was it. That and most definitely some exhaustion as well, but it wasn’t very dominating, everything else was. It worked out. All of his friends went. All of them got a chance to get away. For the first time in what felt like ever, they were able to do something for themselves. Besides Charlie for a brief moment, no one really thought anything. For a day, they got to be teenagers. For a day, _Charlie_ got to be a teenager. Something that he barely had the chance to be. And for a day, Quill just got to be Quill, well, Andrea. She was a person instead of a teacher or fighter. While she was quite proud of being a fighter, taking a day off wasn’t a bad thing. 

“Thank you,” Charlie said, purposely not clarifying why he was thanking them. 

The day was so odd, but it was perfect. It was a good day. It gave Charlie the courage to go back to Shoreditch and to face the year ahead. School and aliens, he felt he had a bit more bravery than he had before. He wasn’t sure he could make it – he still had his doubts – but he felt more hopeful that maybe he could do it. And if he couldn’t – if he felt himself faltering and losing – he had people to help him, and if they were every lost as well, Charlie would help them right back. 

They cared for each other. They were bonded by circumstance and there was a chance that they always will be, but they were going to get each other through it because not only did they care but because they were the only ones who knew what it was like. They were the only ones who _could_ help each other. The only obstacle any of them would have at this point is accepting help. 

Charlie has and always will be afraid of being alone. Circumstance has bounded them but for a while it broke them apart, leaving each of them scattered on their own. Charlie could barely handle it. It was terrifying being alone once more. It was terrifying being alone when he so badly didn’t want to be alive anymore. Loneliness is an awful feeling on its own. Experiencing it after loss or guilt or happiness, or basically anything, was all the worse. Charlie blamed himself and hated himself for how everything had turned out. He still believed that he was the one to be blamed for everything. He probably always will. He didn’t know what to do with that feeling. It wasn’t something that any of his friends could help him with. He supposed that it was something he going to have to get on with. 

But they beat circumstance – they beat the odds – and they found their way back to each other. Loneliness wasn’t the cause of his depression, but it sure as shit made it worse. Being with his friends, being with Matteusz, wasn’t going to fix any of that, but it helped. Yes, it helped, and it meant the world to Charlie. He wondered how they had gotten to this point. It didn’t make sense to him and it didn’t quite feel real yet, despite the fact that they had reunited a few months ago. Whatever the reason why and however they had gotten there, Charlie was grateful. And he will be for a long time. 

“You don’t have to thank us, Charlie,” April said. “It was fun.”

The car ride went on for a while longer. Charlie was the first to be dropped off. They pulled up to the house and everyone sat there in silence for a moment. Charlie unbuckled his seat and so did Matteusz. He wanted to say something. He felt like he _should_ say something. He felt like this was the moment to give a long heart felt monologue like everyone does in movies but no words were coming to his head. None except, “I had a lot of fun today.”

Every said that they did too. Charlie was glad to hear that. For some reason, this felt like a very important goodbye. Maybe that was because this had meant something similar to each of them. It felt like an accomplish of sorts. They had done it. 

They decided to leave the farewells like a regular one. Pretend like this was a regular day. Pretend that they were teenagers. End the day like they had been living every day like this. 

He said goodbye to everyone and he left with the promise to meet up again soon. 

Matteusz walked him to front door where they kissed each other goodbye and goodnight. Charlie wanted him to stay and Matteusz wanted to stay as well, but they were trying not to spend every night together. It was a little rule they had made. They weren’t living together and unless something happened then they weren’t going to be living together for a while. Charlie had asked if Matteusz wanted to move back in and he had lovingly declined. As much as Matteusz wanted to spend every night with Charlie, he wanted to go slower this time, and that was something that Charlie wanted too. They were very much in love but were still working through some things. They wanted to work through them properly. 

Matteusz leaned in and kissed Charlie’s forehead one more time before letting their hands break apart. He slowly left with the promise of calling Charlie when him and Tanya got back. Charlie waved to the four of them as they drove off then he went back into the house, where he found Caroline and Quill watching tv and cuddling on the couch together. He went upstairs to his room where he slowly got ready for bed. Exhaustion from the previous night was quickly catching up and Charlie wanted to go to sleep. 

He changed into his button up pajamas, threw his dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, brushed his teeth, and got in his bed. 

His room was dark, but not completely. The house was cold but not freezing. The house was sometimes empty but not so much that it was unbearable. The stars shined brightly on the ceiling and the the lampposts exuded bright lighting that was dimmed by the curtains over the window. Charlie had his thick blankets tightly wrapped around him, keeping him warm. Charlie could not hear Quill and Caroline’s conversation, but occasionally he could hear their voices. The amount of light that was shining was perfect. The room wasn’t completely dark and the light wasn’t too bright that it was distracting. He was protected by what little light was in his room. He was safe. The conversation was loud enough to distract Charlie. Instead, the brief sound of their voices reminded Charlie that he wasn’t completely alone in the house. 

It wasn’t the hell that it once was, but it wasn’t heaven either. It was okay. Yes, it was okay.

And with that, Charlie closed his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to specifically thank @Ellienerd14, @sora_grey, @ethereal_bridge, and @TheImpossibleDetectivesAngel. You're comments and support meant the world to me. I'm so glad that I was able to create a fanfic that people enjoyed and made people happy (despite the abundance of angst). Thank you, Ellie, for helping me bounce ideas of you and for letting me talk to you for whenever I had writers block during this work. If you ever want me to write something for you, don't ever hesitate to ask! You are one of the reasons why I had the motivation to continue writing this. Thank you so much!
> 
> I got to 100,000 words! That's the most I've ever written! That's like 70,000 more words that my second longest Class fic (which I highly recommend reading). Don't ever worry, though. While this fanfic is ending, I will continue to write Charlie and I'll probably be writing on shots for the other characters as well! I don't know how many installments I'll have, but I'll continue to write for Class, so if very few installments are made, I will continue to write on this account. 
> 
> If you ever want to request that I write something, you can always get in touch with me on Tumblr @thelaziestmotherfucker.

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE GIVE FEEDBACK! And kudos and comments are always needed because I am needy for validation.
> 
> If people want this fic to continue, then I can promise updates but they will not be regular.


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